2001-09-05 - 10:43 p.m.

I am tired I wrote for a whole hour then lost the entry in trnasit! AHH!! Do you believe in prayer? a year ago I prayed the stock market would crash. I was upset with what I felt was an unhealthy, spiritually deadening growing obsession with money. (Not mine- but enough people around me) I recall having been criticized for having made a salvation army donation without getting a receipt for the IRS tax write off, and being criticized for making a cash donation mid year rather than waiting until Dec to "maximize the value of money".

Then while my house expansion was being designed, and Wesley and the architect did not listen to my concern that I wanted some smaller spaces-- and that I was disappointed that my favorite room was to be destroyed where I like to sit and read, or look at the stars at night, or watch the sun rise from... and that I really like the small cozy study and hate the idea of destroying its beautiful built in shelves to make one massive dining room,, I prayed the market would crash so that we couldn't afford to go ahead with this mammoth master plan of doubling our house size.

I think my wish came true.

It has been said you should be careful what you pray for!

Westley said he hopes I don't mind if we don't go ahead with the expansion just yet. He and I both agree that we would rather wait on the expansion and be able to continue to afford for the kids to take violin lessons, and riding lessons and play soccer and whatever extra-curricular things they'd like to enrich their lives. Westley wanted to be able to buy them the cool talking globe he found at Zany Brainy when he discovered the oldest girl has a penchant for geography.

Maybe Westely will someday understand that I really was not disappointed that we can't go ahead with the expanasion, because I REALLY like this house the way it is!

He tends to have an eternal quest to make things better, and get more things that are better, and he thinks bigger and more is always better. The quest itself saddens me, as it seems that it is an insatiable desire that he has which is really fueled by some internal emptiness.

He gets upset when he asks me "Are you happier now?

Or were you happier before?"

He means - before you came here

- before you had a nice house, when you lived in a cramped space with a leaky roof in a depressed cold northern city

- before you had a reliable car, one which doesn't need to have oil added weekly, and coolant added bi-monthy, one which has power steering that really works

-before HIM...one who is always interested and present in my life

Maybe one day he won't be upset by my answer of "No I am not happier now, but No I wasn't happier before either."

Happiness is an internal state, really not dependant on external factors much at all.

Maybe one day Westley will realize that it was my JOY which attracted him, and the answer of "No" in no way indicates that somehow he has failed me. He feels likel he hasn't made me happier- and he wanted to.

Maybe someday he'll realize that all the things in the world are not what bring happiness. ANd he'll realize that my happiness is not dependant on him- its not his responsibility , but my own.

He envisioned this grand house design as a marvelous place for us. And the truth is that while he reveled in the excitement of planning the perfect design, I cared little about how it would end up, but cared only that it made him happy to undergo the project. And I did like the idea of my very own darkroom!

But as for the rest of it, I am now in a way relieved that I can still sit in my favorite room and look out at the smiling moon as I nurse the baby, and in the morning look upon the sunrise in its brillant reds and purples and blues. And I am relieved that the charm of the house as it is is not to be destoyed.

Worse things could happen than not being able to afford to expand an already beautiful and functional home. Hmmm...

I'm going to read now in my favorite chair in my favorite room, and hope not to tip it over! ITs a papozon (not sure how to spell that!) one of those round chairs from pier one that are sometimes easily rocked and unstable. I will sit and gaze at the moon and pray that I remain stable!

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