2004-03-05 - 11:12 a.m.
Well, Westley was indeed aggrevated that I returned canned goods and the bottle returns for cash to get the tickets for the Sock Hop. His issue however is more that it is an accounting headache for him as he itimizes EVERYTHING, so he had to enter in Microsoft money the refund from grocerys and move the money into my "discretionary spending" category! HE said "Why don't you just go withdraw cash?"
That was actually a great response to hear after I told him how I was left without cash when he left to VA. I said, "Because in the past you didn't WANT me to."
He said. "I gave you a check book for each of the joint accounts."
I did remind him that he was freaking out by the checks out of sequence, so in defererence to his preference I had agreed to just use the one checkbook shared with him and let him know BEFORE I wrote any checks. (That was over TWO YEARS AGO!) Since he was gone I told him I didn't hae access to the checks
So the good news is
a. We are going to the Sock Hop
(Which may not have happened had Westely either not returned in time, or even if he HAD returned in time it may not have occurred if we didn't ALREADY have the tickets because we just got ANOTHER wicked construction bill and he's stressed by the rate of our spending in comparison to cash in...... so he's likely have given me a hard time about it and I'd likely have given in rather than argue about this. I pick my battles!
b. I did TELL him of my method of getting cash rather than being deceptive.
c. He was annnoyed at the trouble of his accounting, however neither raised his voice, nor overreacted but reasonable talked about it and asked me NOT to do that again. He did indicate it is like me "embezzling" money intended for groceries for entertainment. I listened to his views and respected them and agreed not to do this again to make accounting a bit easier.
d. WE did in fact DISCUSS the sock hop over three weeks ago when Westley was here and we agreed we couldn't afford the $50 plus dollars to take the whole family on a sleding outing in Clarence, NY with my good college book club friend and her family. At that time I said I'd rather take the whole family to the sock hop for the total of $8.00 and he had said "OK"
e. AND BEST OF ALL is this interaction has left me with greater financial freedom! I WILL indeed get some checks to hold in my wallet so I can "Just write a check" the next time I wish to spend within the agreed upon "MSAFIRE'S Discretionary Spending" amount, AND I WILL GET A NEW PIN number and feel free to start USING THE CARDS to withdraw cash in the future when my husband is unavailable! (HE had also in the past asked me NOT to do that as he had preferred to take out one lump sum then dole out some to me... ostensibly so that we could avoid unnecessary bank fees. That made sense.... as by only one of us withdrawing cash for two, rather than two of us EACH taking what we need, we reduce ATM machine charged IN HALF.)
So although I feel that meek puppy dog, or child like feeling of being reprimanded, and YES he does act like a controlling father--- And YES I KNOW this is REALLY About CONTROL... in the end... I will reiterate what he said I SHOULD have done, and reiterate I will NO LONGER return groceries for cash SO LONG as I have access to some. Westley's response to that was "YOUr right. You SHOULD have an ATM card to use- that has nothing to do with me whether you do that or not." He also agreed that I should be able to just go to him and ask him for cash from the "discretionary acct" WITHOUT ANY DISCUSSION-- as the whole intent of that agreement was for ME to have sole discretion up to a certain amount of money a month. SO we'll se how it goes when I follow through. Hopw he can handle handing over cash without conversation about it. HE is CLEARLY TRYING to give me more trust and freedom with his earned money.