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2004-12-08 - 6:39 p.m. SUNY Potsdam Webmail Form Your email to [email protected] was processed successfully. Below is the content of the message sent. Message sent at: Wed Dec 8 18:29:37 2004
1. did you actually go to court for custody of your child(ren)? - yes or no: YES Temp custody now granted to father while case pending 2. what are the circumstances that led up to your ending up in court?: MY current spouse went overboard in disciplining my daughter for lying, resulting in her head being banged against the wall. I responded most strongly and actually called the police to emphasis that I will not tolerate violence in our home. My Ex filed for custody over a month later alledging "emergency" and retained the kids after a visit (which was at their grandmother's - his mother's! )
7a. description of the incidents - judge:
7c.: description of the incidents - forensic psychologist: 7d. description of the incidents - your own lawyer: 7e. description of the incidents - social services: CPS in VA came to visit us at the initiation of my EX in NY. They didn't AGREE with my husband's discipline- but can't do much as it is in fact perfectly legal here to spank kids. 8. were you employed before and/or during the custody dispute? - yes or no: No - 8a. type of youremployment and job title.: freelance legal assistant (IN other words JD but no state BAR) 8b. how long were you employed?: past 5 years do part time work processing occassional H1B Visas for attorney's offices and corporate counsel. 8c. your approximate income.: $100 per hour 9. was the child(ren's) father employed before and/or during the custody dispute? - yes or no: YES 9a. type of father's employment and job title.: data entry for a research project 9b. how long father was employed?: 6 months 9c. father's approximate income.: $10 per hour (I guess) 10. prior to, and/or during the custody dispute, did either you or the child(ren's) father leave the martal residence? - yes or no: YES 10a. if yes, who left?: I did 10b. with the children? - yes or no: YES 11a.1. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent arranging child care - mother?: 100 11a.2. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent arranging child care - father?: 11b.1. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent picking up/dropping off child(ren) - mother?: 100 11b.2. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent picking up/dropping off child(ren) - father?: 11c.1. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent staying home when child(ren) was(were) sick - mother?: 100 11c.2. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent staying home when child(ren) was(were) sick - father?: 11d.1. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent bathing child(ren) - mother?: 100 11d.2. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent bathing child(ren) - father?: 11e.1. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent buying food for family - mother?: 100 11e.2. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent buying food for family - father?: 11f.1. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent doing homework with child(ren) - mother?: 100 11f.2. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent doing homework with child(ren) - father?: 11g.1. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent attending school conferences - mother?: 100 11g.2. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent attending school conferences - father?: 11h.1. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent attending sports/school/music activities of child(ren) - mother?: 100 11h.2. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent attending sports/school/music activities of child(ren) - father?: 11i.1. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent taking child(ren) to doctor - mother?: 100 11i.2. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent taking child(ren) to doctor - father?: 11j.1. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent organizing birthday parties - mother?: 100 11j.2. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent organizing birthday parties - father?: 11k.1. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent disciplining child(ren) - mother?: 100 11j. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent disciplining child(ren) - father?: 11l.1. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent organizing play dates - mother?: 100 11l.2. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent organizing play dates - father?: 11m.1. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent responding to emotional needs of child(ren) - mother?: 100 11m.2. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent responding to emotional needs of child(ren) - father?: 12. did the father ever engage in extramarital affairs? - yes or no: YES 12a. response to the child(ren's) father extramarital affairs - judge: FActs not yet presented. Nor will they likely be as we have been divorced 5 years not so not likely relevant. 12b. response to the child(ren's) father extramarital affairs - law guardian: 12c. response to the child(ren's) father extramarital affairs - forensic psychologist: 12d. response to the child(ren's) father extramarital affairs - your own lawyer: 12e. response to the child(ren's) father extramarital affairs - social services: 13. did you ever engage in extramarital affairs? - yes or no: NO 13a. response to your extramarital affairs - judge: 13b. response to your extramarital affairs - law guardian: 13c. response to your extramarital affairs - forensic psychologist: 13d. response to your extramarital affairs - your own lawyer: 13e. response to your extramarital affairs - social services: 14. did the child(ren's) father ever engage in sexual abuse of the child(ren)? - yes or no: NO 14a. response to sexual abuse of the child(ren) by the father - judge: 14b. response to sexual abuse of the child(ren) by the father - law guardian: 14c. response to sexual abuse of the child(ren) by the father - forensic psychologist: 14d. response to sexual abuse of the child(ren) by the father - your own lawyer: 14e. response to sexual abuse of the child(ren) by the father - social services: 15. were you ever accused of engaging in sexual abuse of the child(ren)? - yes or no: NO 15a. response to your alleged sexual abuse of the child(ren) - judge: 15b. response to your alleged sexual abuse of the child(ren) - law guardian: 15c. response to your alleged sexual abuse of the child(ren) - forensic psychologist: 15d. response to your alleged sexual abuse of the child(ren) - your own lawyer: 15e. response to your alleged sexual abuse of the child(ren) - social services: 16. did the child(ren's) father ever engage in violence against you or the child(ren)? - yes or no: YES 17a. did you ever go to the hospital for this?
17b. did the child(ren) ever go to the hospital for this? - yes or no: 17c. were the police ever called for violence against you? - yes or no: 17d. were the police ever called for violence against the child(ren)? - yes or no: 18a. response to violence of you or the child(ren) by the father - judge: 18b. response to violence of you or the child(ren) by the father - law guardian: 18c. response to violence of you or the child(ren) by the father - forensic psychologist: 18d. response to violence of you or the child(ren) by the father - your own lawyer: 18e. response to violence of you or the child(ren) by the father - social services: 19. were you ever accused of engaging in violence against your child(ren) or their father? - yes or no: NO 19a. did child(ren) ever go to the hospital for this? - yes or no: 19b. did the father ever go to the hospital for this? - yes or no: 19c. were the police ever called for the father? - yes or no: 19d. were the police ever called for the child(ren)? - yes or no: 20a. response to your alleged violence against the child(ren) or their father - judge: 20b. response to your alleged violence against the child(ren) or their father - law guardian: 20c. response to your alleged violence against the child(ren) or their father - forensic psychologist: 20d. response to your alleged violence against the child(ren) or their father - your own lawyer: 20e. response to your alleged violence against the child(ren) or their father - social services: 21. how would you describe the style of discipline you used?: I have experience for over ten years with developmentally diasabled in a group home setting, so use many of the methods I have been trained in at work: Extinction via planned ignoring of attention seeking maladaptive behaviour, praise for positive behavior, Distraction for young children, positive reinforcers, natural and imposed negative consequences (like losing out on a privalege: ex: If have an outburt in the car- go home as not socially appropriate thus miss the park etc....) and time out when all else is not appropriate My spouse uses those old world very victorian styles of discipline: spanking for serious offenses like lying and defiance. Time out, negative reinforcers for less serious offenses. 22a. response to your style of discipline by the judge: 22b. response to your style of discipline by the law guardian: Completely negative to my husbands old world style convinced it is absolutely abusive and assuming there is more to it than I related! She assumes that no one would ever tell it like it is! (HE in fact has a sociology degree and is a fan of Dewey and talks about all the sociological studies and invokes a 2000 year history in defense of his parenting.He believes the 50 year history of the perversiton of the intent of psycology which he considers a "so called" Science is largely responsible for the overwealming attitude against the use of traditional discipline) 22c. response to your style of discipline by the forensic psychologist: 22d. response to your style of discipline by your own lawyer: Skeptical of what I tell her (A friend of the law guardian's ???? She seems to believe her version more than mine.... says to me "I have a counseling degree too... and you act like a spousal abuse victim the way you are nervous and laugh" She doubts MY credibility! But I can't afford a kick ass male lawyer... 22e. response to your style of discipline by social services: 23. how would you describe the style of discipline the child(ren's) father used?: Non existant as he was never in the role of fathering. He has only been critical of the structure and discipline of my home with my current spouse. Interestingly as they have now been with him he has indicated he had to discipline my son for not bringing home homework. (Something we wouldn't discipline for.. as the consequnce would be the negative reinforcer... and we'd emphasis that,, wheras he HAS NOT disciplined him for lying when my son overly lied to me on the phone. SO style may not be that different, but core values of what are offenses that should be disciplined for ARE what differ.) 24a. response to the father's style of discipline by the judge: 24b. response to the father's style of discipline by the law guardian: 24c. response to the father's style of discipline by the forensic psychologist: 24d. response to the father's style of discipline by your own lawyer: 24e. response to the father's style of discipline by social services: 25. did the child(ren's) father ever abuse drugs or alcohol? - yes or no: YES 26a. was the father ever arrested for driving while impaired?- yes or no: NO 26b. did you ever ask the father to attend a drug or alcohol treatment program?- yes or no: YES 26c. did the father regularly drink more than two drinks per day? - yes or no: YES 27a. response to father abusing drugs or alcohol - judge: Court ordered drug and alcohol testing weekly. My EX only established his own residence and went through a re-hab program just the MONTH before he sought custody after 10 years of abuse issues. He goes to AA nightly. 27b. response to father abusing drugs or alcohol - law guardian: said "I am aware he has a terrible past history, but HE has been very open and honest about that." AS if BECAUSE he is now aware and admits his drug and alcohol abuse its not a problem! 27c. response to father abusing drugs or alcohol - forensic psychologist: 27d. response to father abusing drugs or alcohol - your own lawyer: States "The law guardian is VERY suspicious of your husband, and not suspicious enough of their Father." 27e. response to father abusing drugs or alcohol - social services: 28.1. were you ever accused of abusing drugs or alcohol? - yes or no: NO 28.2. did you do so? - yes or no: NO 29a. were you ever arrested for driving while impaired? - yes or no: 29b. did the father ever ask you to attend a drug or alcohol treatment program? - yes or no: 29c. did you regularly drink more than two drinks per day? - yes or no: 30a. response to your abuse of drugs or alcohol - judge: 30b. response to your abuse of drugs or alcohol - law guardian: 30c. response to your abuse of drugs or alcohol - forensic psychologist: 30d. response to your abuse of drugs or alcohol - your own lawyer: 30e. response to your abuse of drugs or alcohol - social services: 31.1. is there anything that leads you to believe that there was illegal collusion between your judge, the law guardian, your ex's lawyer, and/or any other group? - yes or no: YES 31.2. please explain this suspected collusion.: Possibly as at the last hearing my attorney was concerned and commented "That looks like a conference with the judge!" and she then went to observe as she believed she saw my EX and his attorney go to talk to the judge WITHOUT HER after the judge ordered full psycological testing of myself and my spouse and my EX seeking custody. 32. do you pay child support to the father? - yes or no: NOT YET 33.1. do you believe child support has anything to do with why the father
33.2. if yes, please explain?: A RESPOUNDING YES!! I had filed a case to establish and enforce a child support order after 5 years of deliquency on the part of the father. It took over a year for him to be "located" by the social services office of Child Support Enforcement. The case is to establish current support and arrears. I received a letter dated 08/19/04 that the case was finally sent to Erie County, NY as he was found (now working finally after unemployed for years, so his social security # showed up) HE filed for custody 08/22 I am willing to bet he caught wind of the fact he was being sought out. 34.1. did you fight for custody because of child support? - yes or no: NO 34.2. if yes, please explain?: Would have anyway. 35.1. judge's name:: Hendeges 35.2. county:: Erie 35.3. state:: NY 35.4. age:: 35.5. gender:: Female 35.6. years on the bench:: not even one She was appointed to fill a vacacny Wasn't re-elected 36.1. your age:: 35 36.2. race:: Caucasian 36.3. county:: Loudoun 36.4. state:: VA 37. child(ren's) father's age:: 36 38. were you married to the child(ren's) father? - yes or no: YES DIVORCED 5 years 39a. 0-5 years old: 39b. 6-10 years old: one child age 9 39c. 11-15 years old: one child age 11 40. gender of child(ren) - male or female: one male, one female 41. anything else relevant to your case that might help explain why you believe you lost custody of your children?: Temporary custody lost as no fact finding was done. Assumptions were made and not challenged as my attorney thought it best not to (as she seems to not BELIEVE ME and says "You'll make a terrible witness") My attorney also failed to file a motion to change venue despite the fact my domicile has been VA for 5 years as she is convinced the court won't grant it based on the so called "emergency" nature under the PKPA. The kids and I also spent a year in NY while our VA home was under construction and we moved back 5 months before the case was brought- so they believe they have jurisdiciton. (although we visited NY and maintained the VA
Overall I lost custody because when ONE INSTANCE Of overboard discipline DID OCCUR I ADMITTED AND ACKNOWLEDGED AND STRONGLY REACTED TO PREVENT HARM TO CHILDREN and then communicated about this TO my kid's father in the hope he could offer RE_INFORCEMENT of parenting that kids can't lie- and emotional support that even if they do lie- kid's don't deserve to be hurt by ANY ADULT! REGARDLESS of whether it is discipline or not! So my strong stance AGAINST violence, in protection of my children, has subeqently been used as an EXCUSE to get custody. ANd the kicker-- why is this happening, not because my EX cares for the kids and wants them, as the fact is HIS MOTHER IS THEIR CARETAKER WHEN IN BUFFALO!! IT's because she the GRANDMOTHER who has a dysfunctional lost alcoholic drug addicted son, WANTS her grandchildren and is being manipulative... and because Their Father can now AVOID the responsibility of child support he was about to face, as well as continue to avoid any parental responsbibilies (As Grandma, his mother the ULTIMATE ENABLER is still doing much of the child care - since he is at his AA meetings nightly!) � � |