2005-04-29 - 2:56 p.m.

When talking with Katerina the other day I asked if she had heard anything about the Math Program. She hadn't. So I told her that I inqired of UB and got the letter sent to me indicating that she hadn't been accepted into it. She was a bit disappointed but seemed to have been realistic about the possibility of her getting in. She did say she had REALLY WANTED to do it because she WANTS TO BE A CHEMIST and that she thought it would be great for that. She also then talked to me about her latest math test that she got an 80% on. (The lowest score she's ever had to deal with) She basically has never STUDIED for school math class. (Although Westley used to work with her on functional math weekly... it was in the Dewey style useful method of teaching by having her do things like work on calculations needed when installing a new cabinet, or when grading the driveway to be sure it had the right slope! Applied math!) I told her that if she wants to maintain straight As she's at the point she'll have to actually work for them. She was concerned about her average in the class and I reassured her that it was not that big of a deal as she is a consistently good student and with study she can do better next time.

I can't believe that her Father never told her the results of her testing for the math program. Out of courtesy I had not said anything at first to let him do it since he was the one who followed up and took her to the test after I asked. (He also said he didn't want to spoil her weekend but he'd tell her) But it seems odd to me that after he and I talked about it that he STILL hadn't taken the time to talk to her after almost a month! HE had told me he would. I can't help but think that it is so typical. I can't help but think he doesn't really CARE about what she is interested in. I can't help but think he didn't care about it in the first place as he never sounded enthusiastic about it and said "I'll take her because you asked"-- NOT because SHE WAS INTERESTED! Granted I filled out the inquiry form at my own initiation thinking it was up her alley BEFORE I presented the idea to her- but once I told her of it SHE WAS GUNG HO....

And she prepared a little... did the one practice PSAT math section and a few of the harder problems after homework at night.

But it seems to me that her preparation was SOLELY at her own inititive (after I sent her the book), and when I inquired how it was going a few times and she then thought about it. In some ways that's GREAT that she is taking inititive... I mean all her WORK shoule be hers... but in another way the role of the needed parent in that process was ABSENT. I think she could have used a parent to help with the logistics of assisting her in the organization of her time to have TIME to prepare. I think a parent could have SUPPORTED her efforts more than act disinterested and not discuss it with her at all short of taking her to the test.

THen there is the OTHER extreme I see-- and BOTH IRK ME: KAterina told me in great detail of a music project she worked on and how "Dad spraypainted and made rocks out of fabric to hang" since the scene she was depicting from AIDA took place in a rocky setting.

I CRINGED at the "DAD made..."

NEVER IN ALL OF HER EDUCATION TO DATE has ANY PARENT ever had HANDS on when it comes to her projects.

So he basically DID WORK ON HER PROJECT for a musio class... rather than her doing that all herself (as he has interest in that) but he couldn't even give much emotional or logistically support when she expressed interest in the math program.

I think I've talked about Science projects here before. Well I hope her DAD gets a good grade on his Diarama.
I hope he swells with pride at his ability.

Now of course the irony is that she was working on AIDA. Do you think she would dare make mention that before that class she had great familiarity with that particular VERDI OPERA? Do you think ANYONE would ever hear from her that Westley plays the MARCH almost EVERY TIME he's painting. Do you think you'd ever hear from her that on Sunday Afternoons Westley has sat with our whole family in the living room while he told the story of the opera to us all and we then listened to it. Its one of the few things Westley will do to relax and have down time. WE listen and nap with the lights out.

Italian Opera happens to be one of Westley's Father's passions. The kids all enjoy watching the Operas with Grandpa. Katerina included! (IN FACT I THINK HER MOST OF ALL!)

But will anyone ever hear of that?
Not likely other than me. She laughed as she delightfully told ME what they were studying. She said when the teacher first started talking about it she thought "That story is familiar", and then she laughed!

I also thinks its a stitch that she had to study Italian this year.

Anyway one more gripe. It came to my attentiot THROUGH MY ATTORNEY that Katerina and Soren are now being brought to CHILD AND ADOLESCENT COUNSELING in Buffalo. She passed on the Counselors name and #. My initial reaction was "GOOD"

But then only a moment later it dawned on me and I asked "As of when?"
She told me just a few weeks ago. I said, "OH- I'm sure that was attorney initiated."
She said "Probably"

I called the counselor office and there was only a machine saying they were closed today. I need to inquire if they are getting GRIEF counseling for the loss of their family as they know it. In particualar, for the loss of their MOTHER.

I am sure they'll need it. In custodial changes the effects are similar to death of a parent. Although maybe they DON"T as they seem to be more focused on the healing of the hurt from the loss of their DAD and feel like I'll always be there.

I assume the counselor knows this. I assume that their FATHER is clueless as to this.

NOW WHAT BUGS ME is that this information came VIA THE ATTORNEY! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ALL ABOUT????

COPARENTING DOWN THE DRAIN... OH that's good for kids!!!!! REALLY WHAT THE FUCK DOES "JOINT LEGAL CUSTODY" MEAN ANYWAY.

IN seriousness, I am not going to initate a call regarding inquiring what grief counseling is being done as I'll come across as "HOSTILE" rather than concerned. I will however call to introduce myself and ask that they send me any needed CONSENT forms to treatment and remind them they legally need them as I share joint legal custody, and that although his attorney forgot to mention it when he was advised to start taking them to counseling to establish their emotional scars from an abusive home....

Oh- maybe I shouldn't say that.I guess that sounds MORE hostile.

But what the hell? Who is the counseling for anyway? I suspect its attorney directed and their DAD and GRANDMOTHER coached to deal with their "emotional" issues. YEAH...

So while that annoys me I figure any counselor worth their salt will see what's really what. They'll see that the kids ARE STILL so emotionally hurt from our divorce. They'll recognize that its the relationship with parents that they have had attatchment to early in life that is most important. They'll realize that Soren is hurting most from that severing of his DAD's relationship. YES THEY'LL SEE THAT MY KIDS DON"t HAVE GREAT LOVE for their STEP-FATHER who they still regard with resentment at having taken their DAD's Place. ANd they'll see that however difficult that is that it is NORMAL under the circumstances and that their desire to be with their FATHER is a HEALTHY One out of their love and need for him, and not out of FEAR of their STEP DAD. AND YES, even the fact there is not a tremendous attachment to their stepdad shouldn't be a big concern. (IT'S FANTASTIC WHEN THAT ATTACHMENT AND LOVE AND BONDING IS THERE- BUT NOT BEING THERE IS OFTEN ALSO OK AS LONG AS THERE IS MUTUAL RESPECT!)

REGARDING LOVE- What is it anyway? by my definition of LOVE IS ACTION ,WESTLEY has demonstrated more love for KAterina and Soren then their DAD EVER!!!

WHAT THEY WILL ALSO SEE is the same thing the one social worker saw- a SCARY and unhealthy relationship with their Grandmother who seems to actually be happy to be in the role of mother. The social worker told me that it greatly concerned her when she asked KAterina "Aren't you worried about not having your mother to be there for you as you go through all the changes of puberty?" THAT KATERINA'S RESPONSE WAS "NO- I HAVE GRANDMOM TO TALK TO."

My reaction was "YES And she'll grow up to someday either resent me for not being there, or grow to realize what's happened and resent her Grandmother"

The social worker seemed seriously distrubed by what she recognized as unhealthy attachment to grandma and not having that attatchment to me.

I've avoided writing about this-- but what the hell. Who CARE WHO READS THIS AND FINDS IT. They may just be enlightened. I used to worry maybe Katerina's Dad or Grandmother could come across this. I write for me though and I really am sick of deleting what I write ALL THE TIME because of FEAR it will be read.

NOT THAT I WANT IT FOUND. I DON"T

BUT I USE THIS FORUM AS I feel like its less likely to ever be found than a hard copy--

So I didn't edit today like usual. Someday I WANT to re-read my perceptions!

Now the irony of the counseling is this:
The whole genesis of the custody case WAS and the whole focus REMAINS the fact that WESTLEY refuses to share with my EX HIS PRIVATE experiences in dealing with HIS ISSUES.

So let me get this straight: ITS WRONG FOR ME (IN the eyes of my Ex and some who think I'll lose custody on these points) TO NOT SHARE PRIVATE INFORMATION ABOUT COUNSELING OF MY HUSBAND, A NON PARTY TO THE CASE, A PERSON WITH NO LEGAL OR EVEN MORAL OBLIGAION TO CARE FOR MY CHILDREN WHO HAS BEEN DOING SO OUT OF HIS LOVE AND MARRIED COMMITTMENT TO ME, YET

IT IS OK FOR MY EX WHO I SHARE LEGAL JOINT CUSTODY of OUR MUTUAL CHILDREN to proceed in getting MEDICAL, SCHOOL, and COUNSELING SERVICES ETC... and NOT SHARE ANY OF THAT INFORMATION WITH ME.

I think there indeed is something wrong there!

�

�