2005-09-12 - 11:52 a.m.

Follow up on the TARGET shopping I had been so pleased about: In the end this worked out to be the best kind of shopping! Enjoyed the experience... but then ended up NOT SPENDING the money as we RETURNED many of the items. And to be honest I don't miss the ones returned as they were not any we NEEDED. I did keep a nice new nightgown and a lovely pair of PJ pants I have been cozy in. Gone are the HELLO KITTY items which were really for fun! The effect was had by them being seen and the great reaction of WESTELY... although I didn't get to wear them! HE did indeed find them hideous... but I think I saw a crack of a smile so the did indeed get him to laugh (although not as much as me!) See the shopping was SUPPOSSED to me on MY CREDIT CARD which I could float the balance of for the next month.... but since that didn't work, I had asked WESTELY if I could use the AMEX and HE SAID OK! HE had JUST HAPPENED to call me while I was in the store to tell me his travel itinerary as he was waiting in an airport. What I hadn't realized was that he was WAITING WITH BUSINESS ASSOCIATES and he didn't exactly feel COMFORTABLE having a lengthy DEBATE or DISCUSSION with me as to Why he DIDN"T SUPPORT me charging a winter jacket for SOREN right then and how we couldn't really afford to spend ANOTHER DIME ON THE ALREADY OVERDRAWN AMEX ACCT we owe on! It would have been one thing to put the purchases on a DIFFERENT account that could be paid of in another month! But the AMEX bill was ALREADY overdue... which he didn't exactly want to discuss just then! So Westley got upset at the AMOUNT of the bill and judged that we didn't need MOST of the things. He wants to wait to redeem points for school clothing for SADIE as he thinks the LLBEAN quality is better (and why pay cash--even at a discount when FREE is available with the AMEX points?) But most of all, he WAS LIVID when he looked at the receipt and realized they had NOT USED the AMEX for most of the purchases, but used the AMEX to purchase GIFT CARDS and then used the GIFT CARDS to make the purcase. I in fact REALIZED that was done on the large order ONLY AFTER it had been done! THe implication that returns would only then be returned back in a GIFT CARD and not directly back to AMEX alluded me... but not WESTELY who was SO MAD he called it CORPORTATE EMBEZZLEMENT and went on about how the so called 10% employee discount is a SCAM but merely a ploy to get employeed indebted to the company. I has ALSO THOUGHT I was getting paid that FRI! I had promised to cut a check for a parking ticket I got in Buffalo that Westely paid! (THat's another story worth hearing.... let it be said that in BUFFALO they have stupid signs that are interepered DIFFERENTLY in the rest of the world! I am sure that's an intentional source of revenue for the dying city as it results in unexpected parking tickets!) In any case, I didn't get paid that week and had to wait ANOTHER week for my next paycheck. OOPS that promised payment to WESTELY apparently was one he BUDGETED in and COUNTED on to add to the AMEX payment. So he was just HIGHLY UPSET! He actually returned what he could and got back a gift card worth $165 . They took back the first order of the coat and a few clothes for SOREN as that one was put directly on the AMEX. So those are returned and I can purchase them again once I have the cash ready. I did decide this FRI when Paid to wait on that and this week paid back WESTELY for the parking ticket and other money owed him that he clearly LOANED me as well as sent my attorney a check of the remainder of my pay. I also realized it will be EASIER to scope out LLBEAN CLEARANCE and OVERSTOCK.COM and have a coat directly SENT to SOREN anyway. I also think the one I found at TARGET wasn't the best quality so wasn't really thrilled about it but was more impulsively just wanting to get that DONE ! THe thing is if I buy it and have it here he can't use it ANYWAY until I make another trip to see him! So I am better off ordering one and having it delivered directly. KAterina got her jacket and is thrilled with it. They took back all the other returned purchases and gave Westely a gift card for the returns. HE promptly CALLED AMEX and told them the story. They indeed refunded his account for the AMOUNT of the charges and he is sending them the gift card. They really do have great customer service! We didn't want to be stuck with $163 in a gift card! I really didn't blame WESTLEY for being so upset as I too made all the purchases thinking that whatever HE DIDN't LIKE AND AGREE for SADIE for school, or the jeans for him, could be returned with a refund back to AMEX! It didn't occur to me that if we didn't want some of the purchases we'd get stuck with a gift card! We just don't buy that much stuff at TARGET normally! (IT isn't a SUPER TARGET so hasn't many groceries.) But it all worked out. Took a few minutes of silliness to take a DREAM TEST

http://web.tickle.com/tests/dreams/authorize/signin.jsp?url=/tests/dreams/index.jsp

My result:

"The Dream Interpretation Test
What's Your Dream Theme?
The recurrent theme of your dream life is Mastery

You're dreaming about maximizing opportunities and achieving well-deserved success. This means that in some area of your waking life, you are adequately prepared and things are working out just the way you want. "

I find that just fascinating as the HONEST answer to all the questions Was NEVER with the only exception being the one question about sexual dreams to which I answered I've had them three or four times.

OTher than that-- I have NO RECOLLECTION of ever having any dreams with any of the other mentioned themes.

I took the test thinking it might be interesting as the questions I left blank on that MMPI which seemed to so perturb the psycologist MOSTLY REFERRED to dreams--- and I COULDN't ANSWER them as I hadn't any CORRESPONDING EXPERIENCE with such dreams to judge from!

I was curious what the dream analysis would say for one who doesn't dream much! VERY ODD.....

I guess I am still somewhat bothered by that fact I don't recall dreams often and wonder WHAT THE HECK that really indicates.

But maybe it really is just a sign of being happy! (DELUDED MAYBE...HA HA!! AS I am sure my life is FAR FROM "MASTERY"!!!!)

Anyway.... that's my respite for the moment. Off to get Sadie to school which SHE LOVES! I did manage to crank through my e-mail without too much distraction, and although I didn't yet achieve scheduling the DENTIST appt if I can for the same day as a Dr. Appt with a cardiologist for the chest pain (at Westely's suggestion since he has to take off work. The only appt the Cardiologist had was at NOON!) THE GOOD news (and aytpical) is that I HAVEN"T FORGOTTEN that is a goal! Once I FIND the dentist phone # I 'll call and schedule it. I came on line to see if I could find it as I FORGET where it was HERE SOMEWHERE.

Westely thinks the medication is not yet helping. I think it IS IN SOME ways.... but it is not a cure all. I in fact felt more upset than ever when AFTER starting it I STILL was stuck not being able to go do what I intended the other day WHEN I MISPLACED MY KEYS and had to instead search for them.

Westely is upset I STILL burned him in the shower when I FORGOT that if I run the water in the kitchen when he is in there it WILL redirect all the cold to me and scald him. That was ironically this morning when I noted it was 8:30 am sharp and was pleased to remember to take my medication at the PRECISE exact time I took it yesterday and got myself that glass of water.... to the scream of scalding Westely! OOPS... AGAIN.... I can't wait until the upstairs bathroom is fixed!!! (I did however tell him that since he can't FIX ME HE COULD just decide to go use the functinal bathroom and get over his issue that all the little girls ALSO use it and make a mess!! LIKE ALWAYS.... I tell him to deal with me, and that he has to control WHAT HE CAN and maybe its time he decide not to get burned every morn! He said that the other shower head is set too low for him and he is too big for that shower! OH well... ) The medication may be a HELP but I have warned WESTLEY that IT WILL NOT MAKE ME SUDDENLY A DIFFERENT PERFECT PERSON, and that furthermore, his ANNOYANCE at ME IS NOT ABOUT ME but about HIM. He needs to look within HIMSELF to figure out WHY HE IS SO ANNOYED at my imperfection which is the stuff of humanity which we all are made of! As far as whether the medication is helping me... there is not any APPARENT difference. But I did feel like the first day I took it when I took the girls to the library I was MORE PRESENT with them. It was such a SUBTLE difference though and almost hard to identify and articulate. But I feel like I actually was MORE ATTENTIVE to them and less distracted worrying about MY AGENDA of MY PERSONAL STUFF. I did check my e-mail but did so fast and then was more engaged with them I THINK than usual. Its hard to really know... but I think it made a subtle difference. Typically they play with each other and are so happy and independent at the library. I watch and help them all and juggle to monitor all of them. It just seemes a little EASIER in a way. In a weird way I don't think I DID ANYTHING vastly different, yet it SEEMED a little different. I do know I checked the e-mail in record time and then was on the floor reading with the girls and PLAYING with them in a more engaged way-- and THAT SEEMED a bit of a change. But that was the first day, and other than that library experience I can't really TELL if there is a difference in the rest of my days. I still have lost keys a few times. I have still misplaced things. I still have trouble finding things... So I'll give this a try and talk to the Dr. and see what exactley SHOULD BE THE TARGET behaviors to take note of as problematic and whether they are ones that a medication can help. I want to be realistic in my expectations and have a good sense of whether this is helpful to me or not. I think I need to try to STUDY this week and see if that experience is any different. The Dr. asked about READING and I said I read alot. Truth is though that I don't RECALL DETAILS all that much! IN fact I made it through law school pretty much without reading and just listening then reading and doing research and writing decent papers. But as for the DAILY reading... I hadn't time! When I did attempt it I fell promptly asleep. I don't really recall how my reading was in undergrad, but even when reading for pleasure I fall asleep. I fall asleep reading childrens books to the kids. I always fall asleep reading... which sounds funny from one who professes to love to read! BUT I DO... for the part in which I am awake. It does take me an extra long time to get through a book though. Yet I excelled in English literature and writing and philosophy. But I think I actually did so while LISTENING and taking NOTES and not necessarilly through READING. There is one kind of reading I DID DO which I can do well: I can read and do RESEARCH when I have an idea I want to flesh out and substantiate. I can read seeking out any premises or ideas in support of a theory I want to flesh out. I did fall asleep whenever I actually attempted to study, but would get REALLY into doing research for a piece of writing I was preparing to do. In a way that was an ACTIVE reading exercise. It seems very different to me than reading to extrapulate information. I don't know why the difference is there for me- but I can easily read in doing reserach and in fact OBSESS on a topic and get really engrossed reading anything and everything I can find on it, while if given other stuff to read I will promptly fall asleep. Since part of my reason for trying medication is to see if it will affect the tiredness associated with poor glucose processing in the brain of ADHD folks, I think I need to start to take those practice BAR EXAM tests to see if the medication indeed helps me stay focused and awake! Apparently it is the problem with glucose processing that makes ADHD people fall asleep when sedentary... thus the hyperactivity is actually serving a NEED for a person with ADHD! Two other things I did note from the medication: I have DEFINATELY had less of a sweet tooth. I think the drug may be the same one used in DEXATRIM for weight loss as it is an appetite suppressant. I wonder however if there is indeed some affect on glucose processing which then curbs sugar cravings. And when going to bed I actually THOUGH about stuff rather than just falling to sleep immediately. I wonder if the brain is less distracted during the day therefore needs the time at night to work out all the stuff that perhaps ADHD folks normally DO DURING THE DAY as their brains are going non stop regardless of what is going on. I also noted one other very interesting thing. I HAVE HAD DREAMS. Other than the one about the turtle months back, I couldn't recall many s in the whole past year! So this week I actually awoke aware of dreams!! I don't even remember them now...but I found that VERY INTERESTING. Again my theory is that those with ADHD literally DAY DREAM and in doing so work through stuff throughout the day (although distracted in the moment!). Maybe that accounts for the sound and seemingly dreamless sleep! That is really the most fascinating thing I noted thus far. (Thus my interest in that dream quiz that I happened to have an e-mail advertising today!) The other possibility is of course that my memory is really so poor I never recall dreams! In that case then the medication may in fact somehow have had an effect on that as I actually awoke AWARE of and recalling in the moment my dreams of the past few nights (even though I now forget them!) So I am over the let down that I wouldn't lose my keys and that suddenly life would be clearer, and over the expectation that things would be tremendously different as soon as I started medication. I am at the point of being hopeful that there will be some benefit, and ackcknowledgement of the fact that it really is hit or miss- as some medications help some but not others, and some things can not ever be changed even with medication, and that it is a process of trial and error before one finds the right medication IF THEY are someone medication would be helpful for. On a very positive note I DID HAVE A LOVELY Birthday on SEPT 11th! I turned 36 and celebrated with a lovely fruit flan shared for breakfast with Westely and the girls. They gave me adorable MEXICAN clay pots in a hanging. Westely gave me a set of three Mexican clay pitchers as he knows I enjoy art from there since my trip there years ago. They are painted a lovely red-orange and earthy brown or tan color. I was very surprised and happy with that thoughtful gift. WE took the girls to lunch after mass which was also nice. (Even if only at the local grocery store as they have an area of tables to sit and eat and a $5.00 pizza special!) My Mom and Dad sent me a check for $200 to help with travel expenses or whatever I want to do with it for myself. I talked to Westely about babysitting on Fri nights as they have that dance studio literally down the road. There is also a dance program run at the elementary school so I might have Sadie enrolled in that. She is interested and it is so reasonably priced and convienient! I was thrilled when that flyer came home last week. My mom also ordered me a lovely LLBEAN sweater and it came with a catalogue. There in the CLEARANCE flyer were lovely red pea coats in fleece. THEY ARE EXACTLY what Westely and I have been looking for for the little girls for about two years now! WE JUST COULDN't find nice dress coats for little girls that were not wool! WESTLEY is VERY allergic to wool, and I am as well (although not as badly as he is!). They were on CLEARANCE for $29.00 each down from the original $69! So I couldn't resist... we bought them for the girls. Three little dress coats to match for church on Sunday to wear over their dresses! (WESTELY thought the baby grows too quickly to get her one!) Westley said he will try to pay for them, but if he can't after all the bills when the bill comes then I will. So I am earmarking $100 from my parents for that if needed. (Its on that AMEX which miraculously is not yet cut off!!!) If he can cover it when it shows up on the bill then I'll do something else with that money, but if he can't I am happy to have bought those when the opportunity arose. I didn't want to pass it up after seeking coats like that for so long and then having them appear on CLEARANCE! We'll save them for Christmas Presents. I also found a decent coat for SOREN in the CLEARANCE flyer. I am waiting for my next paycheck when I have the cash in MY ACCOUNT and then will seee if it is still available or will check out the web site to see if there is anything nice for SOREN. The coat I found for him seems MUCH thicker than the one I found at TARGET and in fact is on sale CHEAPER. So I think in the end it might work out better the other was returned as it was the impulsive buy and I think I can find something nicer.

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