2005-11-04 - 1:58 p.m.

Reading some of the writing of this dude Dr. Sam Vaknin. I was curious how the guy who is a Dr. yet had his pHd in Philosophy has succeeded in publishing so extensively in the area of mental health and in particular on NARCISSISM and ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS with Narcissics. When I looked up his Psycology and Mental Health credentials it appears he HAS NONE!

AH HA! Very typical of a NARCISSIC... hmmm... putting themself out there to be an expert in an area they REALLY don't have the credentials for.

However, I actually DO THINK his writing is VERY HELPFUL and that his knowledge is really attuned and accurate. YOu see It turns out he REALLY IS HIMSELF a Narcissic person who thankfully became elightened about this, and then like any good narcissic obsessed on it and became a bona fide expert on the topic! (Like everything else a Narcissic does-- they MUST DO IT AS PERFECTLY AS POSSIBLE!)

Here's one of his sites. There is ample reading here for anyone who IS INTERESTED in this topic. I started reading his stuff as he is one of the few people who writes about abusive relationships with guidance on HOW TO ATTEMPT to improve them and how to ATTEMPT to break destructive behaviour patterns by NOT BEING A VICTIM BUT HOLDING STEADFAST TO ALLOWING CONSEQUNCES for the abuser (which I think it important to point out doesn't even necessitate IMPOSING consequneces... society has ALREADY done a damn fine job of that for the most part if one lets them and doesn't DENY abuse!) and setting healthy limits rather than only espousing the answer of "LEAVE" as the only POSSIBLE means of dealing with abuse.

http://samvak.tripod.com/cv.html

In any case... interesting reading. And I had to laugh when I did look up the "Credentials" of the Brainbench testing which indicated the writer above got 33/40 questions on his COUNSELING TECHNIQUES test.

Here's that site of the TEST for EMPLOYMENT SKILLS they offer!

http://www.brainbench.com/xml/bb/business/aboutus/aboutus.xml

Listing this as a "Credential" making one considered having background for publishing in an area seems akin to an i-village test, or one of those tests you find on the back page of SEVENTEEN magazine.... or some other pop culture silliness.

I found that to be very amusing!Had I the time I could ascertain what I am "Expert" in and teach a course on SUITE 101 too!

Funny fluff... I mean stuff....

Anyway... it was interesting reading for a few moments of a break in between listening to my law tapes which I have been doing (AGAIN!) Today has been spent mostly catching up on folding laundry while listening to tapes. I let the girls watch a few videos after they grew tired of playing outside. THe weather is just beautiful!

I am looking forward to finishing study of EVIDENCE I am currently working on and then taking one of THOSE practice area tests AGAIN! I actually FEEL LIKE the material may be sinking in. I HOPE there is an improvement in my retention. That's suppose to be the great promise of medication as a means of addressing ADHD. IT's Often said to be effective in improving focus and RETENTION of what you read. I can't say I notice any grand differences in any OTHER area of my life. I again lost a credit card last week, routinely start something then get a thought and urge to go do something else, and often attempt to acieve many things (ALL UNREALISTIC) and drop a few... forgetting them. So I can't say this is REALLY working for me yet. I was hesitant to try ANOTHER increase (Although apparently many people do need a higher dose to get an effect) UNTIL I AT LEAST ATTEMPTED to REALLY STUDY so I can gauge if the medication is at all helpful in that area! Since that is the PRIMARY reason (so I can actually sit and study and have a HOPE of getting through a BAR EXAM) I wasn't ready to increase the medication without actually TRYING to do some work in that area so I can ASSESS if there is any difference.

In the past I have always fallen asleep within moments of trying to study. I actually did that a few times this week, but I think I may have been listening a little better and a little longer to my tapes than in the past. They usually end up a BIG BLUR and I don't recall munch from the audio tape EVEN AFTER jotting notes as listening! I seem to ACTUALLY REMEMBER some of what I have heard-- those little details that always seemed so elusive to me. SO MAYBE there is some benefit. I will keep studying whenever I can over the next week then take the EVIDENCE test and see if there seems to be any positive difference.

In the meantime, the DOC I saw asked ME WHAT I WANTED to do-- so I said MAINTAIN the current med and level until I can try out studying. HE told me I should pick up the book DRIVEN to DISTRACTION which he said some patients have found helpful in either identifying or ruling out ADHD. He said that in response to me telling him I really don't see a diffference with this medication than without it! I laughed as I recognized the name and told him I wrote it dowm once on one of those lists of ADHD resources I made but can't find. I told him I make lists and bookmark stuff but can never remember where they are filed....

AS IF THERE WERE ANY QUESTION I AM ADHD !! HA HA !!!

IN any case, the library called as my books I ordered are in. I also placed an order for one of PATRICIA EVAN's books about spousal abuse. She really is the best resource and its been a few years since I read one of her books. I think it helpful to re-read AND TO LEAVE HER STUFF LYING AROUND FOR WESTLEY TO TAKE NOTE OF, and If he WANTS maybe he'll pick it up someday. He has ASKED about some of the stuff I have read and I know looked at it on occassion. HE's too curious NOT TO.

I remember reading about the wife of an alcoholic who went to a meeting for family members of alcoholics and left literature around for years. She wrote of the process of DETATCHMENT and at the same time allowing opportunity for her husband to JOIN HER on her journey toward HEALTH and after YEARS he finally did. NO Nagging, just HER doing it for herself and leaving resources around so they were available. She decided at some point to take greater CONTROL of her life instead of being pulled into his illness. And eventually she succeeded in pulling him out-- but even if she HADN"T she was HAPPY to have HER LIFE BACK by not being sucked under by his illness.

That brings me to the MAIN reason I came on line today (that I almost forgot about!! AHHH-- see I SHOULD write a TO DO list BEFORE I turn on the computer and get tempted to search about those interesting topics like spousal abuse...and narcissism ..HA HA!! God, how sad that is my "interesting" down time surfing!) ANYWAY... I INTENDED to go to my WORK SITE to see if I can log into the HR site and see if my direct deposit is set up. I need to balance my checkbook, pay for PRESCHOOL that I am now sending RAITLIN to two mornings a week in addition to KAtie! (YAH! Thus my study time!!) I want to see what is left to go toward my BABYSITTING fund. I am working on the goals of:
1. Studying for the BAR
2. Paying off my debt and
3. Saving for a BABYSITTING FUND which I can use for a combination of TIME FOR ME! and time with Westely if he will acquiese AND IF NOT then happily use for more time MYSELF. (I am excited about the fact there is a dance studio down the road! But first I will find a SITTER so I can make plans that CAN NOT BE SABATOGED and are not dependent on WESTELY!) I also think it essential to find a babysitter as well as have funds in the account to pay for emergency babysitting so I can go to work without calling in if ever needed at the last minute. I want to ENSURE success at my job (Even if it is only TARGET!) That is essential to maintain my healthy independence!

I am convinced the ONLY way my marriage CAN BE HEALTHY is if I in fact have that financial independence-- however little it is. That of course IS IN FACT what was so upsetting to WESTELY and threatened his sense of control WHETHER HE RECOGNIZES this or not! At one level he is HAPPY I am working so I can pay for those things he doesn't want to financially support, but at another level that takes away a degree of control as he hasn't the economic trump card to pull anymore.

So while he ESPOUSES that he is happy I have a job, I have noticed that he hasn't been as helpful in watching the kids the past few weekends after I have worked! HE is sure to plan his big weekend HOUSE FIX IT PROJECTs and protect HIS TIME to get them done and feels free to WAKE me rather than ensure my sleep as he did when I FIRST started working! (By calling for help as if he is reliant on it! I ignore him)

But that seems like a temporary toddler tantrum of yelling "ME! ME! ME!" and I have been good at just IGNORING HIS ATTEMPTS to thwart me and insistent on getting my sleep as needed when I first get home but also being helpful to him LATER IN THE DAY so he gets his TO DO list done with me as his helper and he feels VALUED! (He's such the little boy in need of affirmation!) I HAVE FOUND the healthy balance (IN part because HE IS THE ONE Who always takes those late afternoon weekend naps anyway!! AH HA... so I sleep again THEN TOO! and it really is enough for me!

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