2005-11-26 - 2:10 p.m.
I am reading DRIVEN TO DISTRACTION which is indeed one of the best books available on ADHD. I can only figure my Psychiatrist told me to read this as a means of ruling out or confirming my opinion of whether or not I have ADHD because I HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN ON TIME for every appointment! You see, that is a most atypical behaviour in an ADHD patient! But then again most people don't go through WESTLEY'S BOOT CAMP for 6 years before first walking into a Psyciatrist's office for ADHD treatment!
It is so clear to me why I am in my relationship with Westely! He is SO VERY GOOD FOR ME! Despite all of our relationship's problems, challenges and flaws, and his and my own personal issues and problems we bring with us, we both do help each other IMPROVE in the areas we each need help in!
I think of Sunday Church as the best example of this. I used to be chronically LATE for anything. Westely used to be OBSESSIVE about OTHER PEOPLE BEING ON TIME, and self consious about being late himself so much that IF HE WERE NOT ON TIME HE WOULD NOT GO (To church or anywhere else!) I recognized at some point that he himself had a problem with being on time! He himself has difficulty with time management, so this inflexibility on his part is really HIS WAY OF MANAGING HIS OWN BEHAVIOUR. This was a HUGE source of conflict when we first got married! Likewise he also had insecurity if I were to go off and do something WITHOUT him when we first were married! HE took it as if he were being abandoned-- that irrational fear of abandonment. I also YEARNED for time off ALONE to do things! That response in me from somewhat OVERPROTECTIVE parents who really did restrict my freedom moreso than most.
Going to church, which is SUPPOSSED to be a time of worship and peace USED to be such a stressfull experience for us! I was ALWAYS running late, WESTELY WAS ALWAYS ANGRY AND BLAMING ABOUT THIS. HE WAS ALWAYS INFEXIBLE and then would refuse to go altogether if we were late.
Its so nice that we now compromise! We are now SOMETIMES on time. SOMETIMES We are late- but often if less than 10 minutes late Westely has learned to compromise and quietly go without making a crisis out of this, not blaming or attacking me and even more importantly not FEELING like its a big crisis. I realize that it was him FEELING like he was somehow BAD and JUDGED if he was late that was the real issue! HE seems to have resolved some of those feelings of anxiety and self judgement that used to swell up when he was to be late! AND SOMETIMES, when he KNOWS we are going to be late, and he doesn't want the stress of it to manage, like last week when I looked up at the clock at 11:30 and then realized MASS is at NOON here, not 12:30pm (that's the church in VA), well then I CHOOSE TO GO MYSELF WITH WHOEVER I CAN GET READY. This is a big change, if Westely DOES start to revert to his old ways of complaining, I DON'T FEED INTO IT. I ASSERT MYSELF MORE in NONCONFRONTATIONAL WAYS, and don't let him be the one to call all the shots of what we do as a family.
It was nice we didn't argue. He did try one old control move he used to use but trying to say in an authoritarian manner "YOur not leaving until the kitchen is cleaned"
I didn't argue, I didn't acquiesce, I didn't stress, just calmly said "Yes I am. I 'll be glad to clean it when I get back if you haven't gotten to it."
And he indeed then let me be as I proceeded to get the girls ready and informed him I was leaving the baby with him. She was in her playpen and ready for a nap.
That was an aytipical Sunday for us of late. USUALLY we all go to mass together- about half the time ON TIME (YAH!! GROWTH FOR ME!) and about half the time about 5 or 10 minutes late without Westely even so much as complaining. (YAH ! GROWTH FOR HIM!)
And the resolution of this issue this past SUNDAY is ALSO one I think is a sign of growth in our relationship. I feel like we both in the end RESPECTED that we each need to handle this issue of being on time our own way at times!
Funny I was GOING to write about something else- but I have to go intervene w/ kids now!