2005-12-14 - 3:10 p.m.

I AM SO FRUSTRATED! I STILL CAN't FIND MY KEYS! THEY HAVE TO BE HERE SOMEWHERE.... so taking a break. Read for a few moments to relax

Almost done with DRIVEN TO DISTRACTION

Read a few nights ago with GREAT INTEREST the description of all the subtypes of ADD. There is a list of 20 behaviors and indicators with the suggestion that checking off 14 is a good indicator of ADHD as a diagnosis.

NOT surprising I check off MANY-- I'll count now...
Hmmm I checked off 13. Wait.. then I re-read and it says a diagnosis is likely if 12 are checked! OOPS misread... I thought... weird I don't have 14, but that's because I DO NOT CHECK OFF LOW SELF ESTEEM!

This is really one of the most remarkable things that I APPRECHIATE and contribute to my AMAZING PARENTS! I think they REALLY ARE The MOST EXEMPLARY PARENTS possible for the fact that they ALWAYS LOVED AND ACCEPTED AND VALIDATED ME. You see I grew up UTTERLY UNAWARE that I EVER had any attention problems. That could be seen a a problem in an of itself, however I think the fact I had a STONG SELF ESTEEM and drive and ambition are the result of them not being critical!

Because of their unwavering love and acceptance and validation I have achieved much DESPITE my limitations!

Likewise the only other things on the list I DIDN'T CHECK OFF are:
A tendency to worry needlessly,endlessly;a tendency to scan the horizon looking for something to worry about, alternating with inattention to or disregard for actual dangers.

A sense of insecurity

Impatient;low tolerence of frustration

Impulsive, either verbally or in action, as in impulsive spending of money,changing plans, enacting new schemes or career plans, and the like; hot tempered

Mood swings, mood liability, especially when disengaging from a person or a project

A tendency toward addictive behavior

Chronic problems with self esteem

Family history of ADD or manic-depressive illness or depression or substance abuse or other disorders of impulse control or mood

Now those are the things I DIDN"T CHECK I won't write the LONGER LIST of the things I DID CHECK off.

What interests me here is this list of the criterion THAT I DON'T MEET. What fascinates me is that in fact WESTELY actually ALSO MEETS the criterion suggested!
When I look at the list there are THIRTEEN items he MOST DEFINATELY fits the description of. The other ones I can't assess for him are those that measure THE INTERNAL THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS OF A PERSON as I COULD NEVER KNOW THAT-- but only guess. But the ones I CAN CHECK OFF FOR HIM are OBSERVABLE BEHAVIORS.

When I read the subtypes of ADD a few nights ago one really jumped off the page at me. It was the one called "ADD with HIGH RISK BEHAVIOR" or "HIGH STIM" ADD It described adults that need the stimulation of EXCITEMENT to FEEL SECURE. IT described how these folks CREATE CHAOS and excitement as then they are COMFORTABLE IT described how these people CAN NEVER REALLY BE CALM As they ARE LITERALLY UNCOMFORABLE BEING SO. For some reason the extra stimulation HELPS these folks be FUNCTIONAL AND FOCUSED AND GET STUFF DONE THEY THRIVE ON THE STIMULATION and therefore CREATE IT by being difficult people.

I also just read a section also of interest how ADD can be mistaken for PASSIVE AGRESSIVENESS. (I know all about how that goes! I have been accused of being passive aggressive and not believed when I really did forget to follow up on something!)

Now I just read another interesting theory:
"Similarly, ADD may be the cause of behavior that seems narcisstic. The narcissist, in simple terms, has trouble paying attention to other people. He appears to be wrapped up in himself, preoccupoes with his own place in the world, and incapable of genuine empathy or love. If this inability to attend to others can be traces to the individual's early life experiences of deprivation, narcissism is the probable diagnosis, and the proper treatment would then be psycotherapy or psycoanalysis. However, if the inability to attend is due to ADD, psycotherapy or psycoanalysis will not help. If the person receives treatment for ADD, the "narcisstic" symptoms will fade, and the person will be able to engage with others meaningfully."

So BRING ON THE COFFEE.....

The # 1 WAY that many ADULTS with ADHD SELF MEDICATE-- WHETHER THEY REALIZE IT OR NOT!

And this all goes back to those moments when we have had problems with our interpersonal relationships that erupted into DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.

I had JOKED WHEN THE INCIDENT WITH KATERINA happened a few years ago now and I was on the phone with her DAD telling him about it..." I think things will be OK now- We have coffee again! " Westely had given it up for a bit as he thought it fair that he do so since he asked me and the kids to scale back the extra curriculars temporarily. He said in fairness he also should give up something so he decided to give up his coffee.

I was joking at the time when I flippantly attributed the DR JECKLE/ MR HYDE behavior to the fact we had run out of coffee.
HOWEVER I saw that circumstance happen again-- that WHEN NOT HAVING COFFEE WESTELY is at his worst.

That really is an amazing thing! I was reading something from this book TO WESTELEY about a month ago and he said defensively "STOP trying to diagnose me!" Which at the time I said "I am not- I was reading this to you as I thought you would find it funny as I did!"

Whatever that was, at the time I wasn't thinking along the lines that WESTLEY could have ADD. HIS DEFENSIVENESS made me MORE AWARE of that as a possibility.

This book indeed has been enlightening... but in ways I never intended or imagined! I thought I was reading it SOLELY TO UNDERSTAND MYSELF!

I think I'll ask WESTELY if he will read it so he too has greater understanding of ME!

Hmm.....Maybe he will... OH and I found out another thing which is striking. ADHD and AUTISM are on the same "spectrum" They are a matter of DEGREE.... ASPERGERS and AUTISM are considered to be EXTREME COMMUNICATION DISORDERS as the SAME TROUBLE present in ADHD is SO ACUTE AND EXTREME.

JUST FASCINATING! Maybe like the THE CURIOUS INCIDENT OF THE DOG IN THE NIGHT that WESTELY did read and enjoy... which he responded to with the surprising comment that HE THINKS LIKE THE PROTAGANIST therefore he thought it a brillant book, MAYBE he WILL be interested in this book and be surprised to like it. When I gave him that novel JUST FOR FUN thinking he's enjoy it, I was SURPRISED by his response, as he also was! (HE expectedto not like a novel!)

And I think I will NEVER AGAIN make fun of WESTELY for ONLY WANTING COFFEE as a gift! THat is indeed perhaps the best gift one could and should ever give him and ALL OF US!

And I feel badly that he REALLY WANTED to go to STARBUCKS to get some coffee with his work gift card but he used it all up on grocery shopping! He WANTED to reserve some for the coffee... but overspent at the store buying food. I hope after my trip to BUFFALO that I have enough cash to go buy a premium coffee for him for his gift!

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