2006-01-04 - 2:15 p.m.
HERe√‘ something I wrote for myself, but I think it worth reiterating and thinking and writing about.
Maybe it will help someone struggling with this same issue SOMEWHERE. I write thinking that my perspective is one MOST PEOPLE ARE AFRAID TO HONESTLY ADMIT AND ADDRESS
YET I feel like UNFORTUNATELY I AM NOT SUCH AN ANOMOLY. I wish that were NOT THE CASE, but after TALKING to many WOMEN I have heard STORIES from SO MANY WHO I KNOW that have analogoud stories and situations and I believe that DOMESTIV VIOLENCE IS INDEED STILL THE BEST KEPT SECRET IN AMERICA.. WHY? BECAUSE WHEN ONE ACKNOWLEDGES AND ADMITS THE PROBLEM, the ROUTINE RESPONSE IS THAT FAMILYS ARE TORN ARPART IN THE ATTEMT TO HELP. VERY FEW PEOPLE HAVE FAITH IN THE POSSIBLE WORKING WITH, REHABILITATING, OR OF THE IDEA OF REMINING IN A SYSTEM WITH AN ABUSER.
I WROTE THE FOLLOWING A FEW MONTHS AGO:
ŇģY husband is an abuser. And he doesn√’ seem to know it!°¶lt;/p>
MY HUSBAND IS AN ABUSER AND HE IS AWARE OF THIS AND IN FACT HAS ACKNOWLEDGED IT.
ŇĶhe night before last he was very upset with me. I had caused damage to the DENALI when I bumped the side of into one of those poles at the bank drive through. RATHER THAN OFFER EMPATHY and recognize I was upset by this and be NORMAL and an emotionally supportive partner, he had to ATTACK Me verbally. Calling me an idiot, acting like it was a personal affront TO HIM that I did damage to HIS CAR!
Then he came home that night and announced, Ň™ am going to trade in the car and buy the truck°¶lt;/p>
He keeps talking about a truck he wants. I said ŇĶHE BMW?°¶lt;br>He looked at me like I am crazy and said ŇĮO THE VOLVO. We discussed this°¶lt;/p>
I reminded him Ňļes we discussed this, and if you recall I told you I CAN√Ķ AFFORD to buy a new truck now! I can√’ yet afford the payments! AND I AM NOT SELLING MY VOLVO TO BUY ANOTHER VEHICAL unitil I can afford to. IF I SELL MY VOLVO I HAVE BILLS TO PAY°¶lt;/p>
But oh yes°¶those are not to HIS BENEFIT SO he had to then be the royal control freak asshole and insist that I have Owed HIM A LOAN that he made to me for the maintenance and insurance and taxes on the VOLVO for the past three years. HE is an asshole as he first of all would HAVE AN OBLIGATION TO PROVIDE a SAFE VEHICAL for his children. BUT NOTWITHSTANDING THAT: HE now doesn√’ have to CONTINUE To maintain the VOLVO I understand that AS LONG AS HE MAINTAINS THE DENALI for the kids to be safe in (and its no legal obligation , but an ethical one I think! ) REGARDLESS, he claimed in the past to have FORGIVEN the so called Ň•EBT°¶but is so full of shit.
SO now he wants me to be accoutable for the damage to the car and the past cost of maintining the VOLVO
I said ŇßINE!°¶ I would rather OWE him the estimated $1600 for the DENALI repairs (I also hit the back bumper in the Bjs parking lot about a month ago!) And his estimate of around $2500 for back taxes, insurance ETC AND HAVE TO BE NOW PERSONALLY responsible to GET MY VOLVO into working order IT NEEDS NEW BREAKS
FOR SAFETY I NEED THAT!!!
SO YES I AM CERTIFIABLY WACKED TO STAY HERE! WE SHOULD GET THE HELL AWAY FROM HIM. AND TO BE FINANCALLY BEHOLDeN AND ENDEBTED IS ALSO ANOTHER FORM OF CONTROL AND IMPRISONMENT> BUT IT THINK ITS ALL THE CRAP THAT I SIGNED UP FOR WHEN I
MARRIED AN ABUSER
I√Ň rather STAY HERE REMAIN MARRIED and REMAIN EMPOWERED And NOT CONTROLLED while STILL FOCUSING ON THE FACT BOTH westley AND I DO LOVE EACH OTHER>
so when he THEN TOLD ME ŇĶHEN TAKE YOUR VOLVO AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE°¶lt;/p>
I SAID ŇĮO°¶
HE SAID ŇļOU HAVE TO IT«ī MY HOUSE°¶lt;/p>
I Said Ň™TS MY HOME AND YOU CAN√’ just kick me out at any whim whenever. If you REALLY WANT a divorce you can file papers. You can give me legal notice °¶lt;/p>
He stoof up and Said get the fuck out and I picked up the phone to dial 911
He called me an asshole or something. I stood with the phone in my hand and he said GIVE ME The keys to my car, I√Õl give you yours. Then he wrote me a letter giving 30 days notice to move myself and all my belongings out of this house in NY and the residence in VA.
He then threw my key on the floor accross the room saying here√‘ your key
I articulated all of this, and it was immediately after talking about why I won√’ get rid of the VOLVO unless I first have ANOTHER CAR TITLED in my name for my use that is not under his control, that he then became more enraged. HE THEN DEMANDED Ň®IVE ME THE KEYS TO THE VOLVO I WANT TO GET MY FILER OUT OF IT°¶lt;/p>
HE HAD THOSE WILD EYES of ANGER and I SAID NO I Was afraid he would damage my CAR!
HE then pushed me with his hands around my neck back toward the wall of the living room. I still held the phone in hand. He demanded I give the keys. I still unwavering said a calm NO!!!
I told him Since he had his hands on me it was CLEAR he wasn√’ in a good rational state of mind and that he could get his stiuff LATER when he was calm and acting normal.
He did calm down and I did give my key and trust him and let him move the filer out of the car.
And now I am left with that memory AS ARE THE GIRLS WHO ALL WATCHED IT!!!!!! (Except Kristen)
And I am left with DECISIONS
AT THIS POINT I REFUSE TO MOVE OUT
I believe I have a right to remain in my HOME regardless of ownership unless he REALLY WANTS A DIVORCE
And I think he is FULL OF SHIT and was trying to manipulate though FEAR
WELL°¶I guess I am just not afraid of him!
Maybe not! °¶lt;/p>
HE still isn√’ at the point of COMFORT of seeking outside help FURTHER than what he has already recieved and we have received together. But at least HE TALKS TO ME about HIS ISSUES. HE has talked to ME ABOUT HIS CHILDHOOD, HIS FAMILY and in fact has at times acknowledged HIS ANGER PROBLEMS. He at times says things like Ň≠EAD Caused aggression in children. My home was FILLEd with lead. No one knew then°¶
1/4/06 The following is an entry I wrote that may not have been saved properly so here it is cut and pasted so my writing time is not lost:
So I looked at it today and watched how it CONTINUES to do well and then I placed and order FOR ONE SHARE.
That's all I have left in cash in my piddly retirement fund. The cost of the transaction is almost 50% the value of one share of stock... but I felt like rather than regret that I never bought it I am now happy to have ONE SHARE so I can happily follow it WITHOUT REGRET that I NEVER Moved on it!
Its a satisfying feeling-- one of doing somthing I feel like I SHOULD HAVE DONE LONG AGO! BETTER LATE THAN NEVER even if its only one share! Now I can occassionally watch that ticker without regret but with excitement!
This morn I am taking it easy catching up on reading e-mails that piled up.
Westley caught one of those last INDEPENDENCE AIR FLIGHTS as he had points and figured he may as well schedule a meeting in VA today to use them. (SO Much for saving them to fly the girls to Orlando with him sometime. We were planning on arranging to have at least the oldest accompany him there when he has work there and arrange for her to be picked up by my parents or her Uncle for a visit)
So we'll have to budget for that and plan for that Grandparent visit another way.
Yesterday Westley was happy to get his expected raise, but the bubble was burst when he got home to ANOTHER TAX bill... this time an UNEXPECTED one for $4000 for COUNTY SERVICES. HE was baffled as he thought he paid all the taxes for the year back in the Fall. So the raise was pretty much accounted for in that bill. So much for Preschool which he was going to foot the bill for,
The little girls were excited when they heard Westely got a raise and IMMEDIATELY SAID "YEAH WE CAN GO TO PRESCHOOL!" which we took a hiatis from.
They are so beautiful though as this morn we opened an E-MAIL CARD from their UNCLE MIKE who send a donation to WORLDVISION in our names as his Christmas gift. The girls were really APPRECHIATIVE of this! I read to them how a child who couldn't otherwise GO TO SCHOOL in a really poor part of the world would be going to school FOR A WHOLE YEAR thanks to the gift of tuition , a school uniform and school supplies.
Uncle Mike happens to be in between jobs so finances are tight as his last contract ended as a software developer.... so I thought that was a FANTASTIC idea of a gift! WE really don't need STUFF... and he in fact was wonderful to loan me money for my legal battle so I OWE HIM. I have him on my new plan for 2006 as being included in my monthly payments of folks I am paying back.... which he said came at a good time and then told me he's looking for another job.
So I hope Mike has luck as he is a brillant guy who has done well contracting out his services but it indeed is a challenge for even him to find viable work!
May 2006 bring good tidings to us all! I look forward to positive changes!
He said Ňłell it didn√’ work- you√”e still here°¶lt;/p>
I told him it also includes any time he grabbed or slapped at me- and pointed out that there HAD BEEN AN INCREASE over the last year WHICH WAS EXPECTED AND PREDICTABLE EVER SINCE THAT ONE TIME I DECIDED NOT TO CALL THE POLICE AS TO DO SO WOULD MEAN HE REALLY WOULD HAVE BEEN THROWN IN JAIL AND THAT IF THAT HAPPENS AGAIN THEY WOULD BE NO MERCY. I called the police in the PAST on FIRST INSTANCE WITH ME... and FIRST INSTANCE WITH KATERINA . Since then we we were in counseling and ADDRESSED MOST OF THE OTHER INSTANCES - except for the RECENT ONES which seem to have occurred WHEN WITH HIS FAMILY WHO ACT LIKE IT IS FUCKING NORMAL BEHAVIOR AND WHO DYSFUNCTIONALLY ACT LIKE I EGG HIM ON.
I said ŇįK- If you want to file on the grounds that I insist on getting a job- go ahead°¶lt;/p>
At which point he got angry and said Ň™ refuse to help you at all. You can take care of your VOLVO. You can√’ drive my car to work.°¶lt;/p>
And I said in response Ňīo go file on the grounds that you want a divorce BECAUSE I WANT TO TAKE CARE OF MY OWN FINANCIAL OBLIGAITONS. BECAUSE I WANT TO BE FINANCIALLY INDEPENDENT AND NOT DEPENDENT ON YOU. BECAUSE I WANT TO NOT BE IN A POSITION OF SUBSERVIENCE BUT THAT OF AN EQUAL°¶lt;/p>
He went outside and shut the door leaving for his flight to VA.
And I went to bed- knowing once again he is FULL OF SHIT. And I went to bed RELAXED AND SLEPT WELL and THOUGHT ITS BEEN YEARS SINCE I HAVE FELT LIKE I HAVE WALKED ON EGGSHELLS!
He earlier tried to make some distinction that I won√’ do what I did for my oldest two children for our four little ones. He seems to have forgtten THAT I WORKED FULL time when I had them THREE MONTHS AFTER EACH BIRTH. HE had not much to say when I reminded him ŇļES I AM TREATING OUR CHILDREN THE SAME. IF you recall we had put my son in PRESCHOOL At age 3 at GEORGETOWN And then at LOUDOUN COUNTRY DAY SCHOOL so I could finish law school. If you recall I had A NANNY when I was working full time. I told him HE HAD ACTED like he was interested in an AU PAIR as an assistance to our family BEFORE I TALKED OF WORKING and that it is bull shit that now he is not interested NOW THAT I WANT TO WORK. I told him this is not about the girls and what is best for them AS THEY LOVE PRESCHOOL AND WOULD BENEFIT FROM IT. He said the baby wouldn√’ and he wants a parent watching her until she is three.. He is also pissed when he said YOU CAN√Ķ AFFORD CHILD CARE and I told him YES I CAN and then at some point I said I intend to get this part time job as a legal secretary and KEEP MY TARGET overnight job two nights a week. He was adament in that he would not support me in that. He said Ň™F you keep this up I√Õl leave the house five minutes before you have to leave for work at night.°¶lt;/p>
I am most annoyed about one thing though- the Ň√aby°¶who is not a baby but now fifteen months only is MOST DEFINATELY in the early stages of the terrible twos. She indeed WAKES UP at night in the hope of getting one on one MOMMY or DADDY time. Of course at this phase of development the thing to do is IGNORE her when she wakes so she√Õl go back to sleep. Westley in his impatience INSISTS I GET HER SO HE CAN SLEEP. Last night I REFUSED and put her back in her crib and he then went ballistic. I told him he is short sighted as he is REINFORCING her waking at night! He insisted I get her and I finally did so as he was having a caniption. I should have held out°¶but figured WHAT THE HELL so I got her and moved her downstairs then LEFT HER ALONE and she fell asleep. Then I moved her back to her crib and was back in bed moments later. He insisted he was right- that SHE WAS HUNGRY (although he didn√’ realize she picked at the cereal and didn√’ eat it HE did√’ realize her cup was still half full of milk. )
But I think THE REAL REASON he is being difficult about this IS ONE OF CONTROL. He has had THREE OTHER BABIES at this point. I can√’ believe he is a DIMWIT when it comes to PARENTING and DOESN«Ķ RECOGNIZE that getting the toddler up in REINFORCING. I HAVE TO BELIEVE HE DOES THIS AS IT GIVES HIM FODDER TO COMPLAIN ABOUT WHEN I GO TO WORK AT MY NIGHT JOB. You see, if SHE DOESn√’ WAKE UP, there is REALLY NO REASON FOR HIM TO COMPLAIN ABOUT ME WORKING THE NIGHT SHIFT AT TARGET!
HE ENJOYS HAVING THAT TO COMPLAIN ABOUT SO IT SEEMS THAT ITS SUCH A SACRIFICE ON HIS PART THAT I WORK. I TELL HIM - ŇßUNNY, When I am home she sleeps throught the night. It must be something you are doing that is reinforcing her waking°¶and he indeed HAD STOPPED with that manipulative nonsense after a few months of trying it°¶as I IGNORED HIM. But having gone to VA where she was sleeping IN THE ROOM WITH US and where he would move her to OUR BED whenever she stirred and where she increasingly WOKE UP to PLAY WITH HIM has really put a damper on her nighttime resting. So I have to start over again with the TRAINING of her to sleep at night.
Maybe he indeed just is a parenting dim wit. I guess maybe it ISN«Ķ OVERT MANIPUATION ON HIS PART. Its POSSIBLE°¶as I recall THE SAME ISSUE with our firstborn. By the time the next two were born I think he was so hands off with the kids that he let me take control and I put them to bed, and logistically I think when they woke and stirred MAYBE HE DIDN√Ķ HEAR THEM and they didn√’ disturb him when they awoke. So it IS POSSIBLE that WHILE HE LIKES TO BE ABLE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT MY NIGHT JOB, that the THWARTING OF THE LITTLE ONE SLEEPING at night is NOT A CONSIOUS thing! But I AM SURE there is SOME UNCONSCIOUS ISSUE THERE REVOLVED AROUND CONTROL. It was a CONTROL issue when we argued about how to parent our first born. Now I think it is a control issue when the baby is an excuse for his position of me not working.
But I recognize that CHILDREN GROW UP. So once they are in school the issues we actually argue about will be NON ISSUES. Once they are out of school THOSE ISSUES will be non issues. If in fact These ARE THE REAL ISSUES then when we are in a children free house we should get along just fine- right? If I am correct that the REAL ISSUE is one of control- at that juncture my beloved will find SOMETHING ELSE TO ARGUE ABOUT which hasn√’ been an issue before. Kind of like how now there really is not a lot for him to complain about so he FINDS things like Ňłhy did you buy this pancake mix. You know we get whole grain for the girls and its not whole grain>°¶lt;/p>
But I welcome those CONTRIVED issues°¶in particular as I lobbied for the family to not eat WHITE BREAD or WHITE FLOUR for a few years- so to hear him complain when I bought AUNT JEMIMA is a bit of a VICTORY FOR ME! And it is so very funny that the only thing he can criticize is something so banal.
Which is why he recently picked a BIG fight over A PAST EVENT.
Now the most recent complaint came in him COMPLAINING about how much my CARE OF ADHD costs him monthly. HE CLAIMS that he thinks it√‘ a waste of money and he sees it as an unnecessary expense at $35 a month (the $20 prescription co-pay and $15 Doctor Co -PAY)
THE VERY FACT THAT HE COMPLAINED ABOUT IT is BECAUSE IT INDEED WORKS AND HE CAN NOT COMPLAIN ANY MORE ABOUT ME NOT FOLLOWING UP ON ANYTHING HE ASKS OF ME. HE CAN√Ķ CLAIM I AM PASSIVE AGRESSIVE AND INTENTIONALLY IGNORING HIS REQUESTS as I ACTUALLY REMEMBER THEM AND DO THEM ALL!!
YES ALL OF THEM! And with the medication it is indeed miraculously easy!
AS far as whether it works, I ran out of pills when I FORGOT TO TAKE my second daily dose and then FAILED TO PACK the pill bottle as we left VA. Hmmm... The second dose REALLY DOES SEEM TO ALSO MAKE A DIFFERENCE. When off medication until I filled it late yesterday afternoon SADIE DIDN«’ MAKE IT TO THE BUS ON TIME., I THEN GOT EVERYONE TO THE CAR AND HER TO SCHOOL----- but it was about AN HOUR AND A HALF LATE.
I could list all the other ADD DAYS when I was unmedicated. But it√‘ the NORMAL struggle to pay attention to time. LIKE THIS MORN my incessant writing as I took the first dose LATE and I think it really didn√’ kick in yet after days of not being medicated properly.
So SADLY I THINK this ENCOURAGING ME TO NOT TREAT THIS is indeed one of the most insisious signs of my hubbys FEAR of me being CAPABLE and CONFIDENT and INDEPENDENT.
I think he is indeed THREATENED by those very qualities which ATTRACTED HIM. That is the strange irony. I told him HE COULD HAVE GOTTEN A MAIL ORDER ASIAN BRIDE but HE CHOSE TO MARRY AN ASPIRING LAWYER. When he talks about how he provides all my needs as if he is a hero, I tell him YOU COULD ALSO PROVIDE FOR AN AOMEBA or MARRIED ONE.... but that I have aspirations of NEEDS OTHER THAN THE BOTTOM OF MASLOV√‘ TRIANGLE being met. I have HIRING ASPIRATIONS AND DESIRES OF SELF FULFILLMENT. When he talks of the HOUSE and the CAR and the good food I say Ň®REAT- but that√‘ what MAKES YOU HAPPY and to me its all INCIDENTAL to the development of OTHER THINGS IN LIFE that I FIND FULFILLING°¶like a career and persuing the arts and actualizing my talents etc.
When he made a comment about how I want to work but I have trouble getting the kids to school on time and then asked Ň©ow is a sitter going to do it? I SAID ŇĶhat√‘ exactly the point°¶ THE THING TO DO IS OUTSOUCE THAT WITH A SITTER WHO ENJOYS DOING THAT and then SPEND MY TIME ON THINGS I ACTUALLY AM VERY GOOD AT!°¶lt;/p>
Heck, I think I have honed my trial technique and debate skills tremendously over the years. Not only by Debate Team and MOOT COURT°¶but in the family battles as well. NOW I NEED TO JUST GET IT TOGETHER TO GET THAT DAMN BAR EXAM
I hope to get a call and job offer and actually be able to find sitting to do that. And I believe that despite all his efforts to thwart my goals, I will achieve them. And I still think that WESTELY MAY NEVER CHANGE, but that it doesn√’ really matter. In the end I can meet my goals. Despite his ATTEMPTS to THWART and the fact he doesn√’ make it EASIER FOR ME°¶I really think HE DOESN«Ķ MAKE IT HARDER EITHER! Should I leave him I would REALLY BE ON MY OWN. The one way it would be easier is that THEN I WOULD HAVE CHILD SUPPORT PAYMENTS for child care so could more readily get sitting as HE WOULD HAVE TO HELP without me arguing. BUT HEY°¶I COULD EVEN ENFORCE THAT WHILE STILL MARRIED°¶a FACT I THINK HE MAY NOT HAVE REALIZED!
Another motive for me not working was also revealed. HE indicated he wants the girls and I to go to VA TO PLANT over the summer. This is important to MAINTAIN the family farm and thus the MASSIVE TAX WRITE OFF. When he made the mistake of mentioning that I immediately picked up on the FINANCIAL BENEFIT TO HIM of me staying home and I immediately called him on it. HE said Ň™TS FOR OUR BENEFIT°¶ At which point I brought up not only the nuptial I signed but also the issue of TAXES and again discussed the idea of me filing seperately.
ALL JUST TO REMIND HIM OF THE POINTS OF LEVERAGE I DO HAVE and that despite all his efforts I STILL AM NOT POWERLESS and NAIVE. I UNDERSTAND THAT BEING HOME FOR HIM HAS A FISCAL BENEFIT. I UNDERSTAND THAT DESPITE A NUPTIAL AND WHATEVER IT SAYS, that THERE IS INDEED FINANCIAL VALUE TO THE SERVICES I PROVIDE HIM. HE must realize that°¶that if WE DO OUTSOURCE CHILD CARE and FARMING and as a member of the FARM BUSINESS I should either divest myself of it of not to the LABOR I HAVE DONE... that he couldn√’ sustain it. HE said as much that he√‘ have to sell it. Well then, he could do so. I think there is benefit in NOT DOING SO°¶but told him AS LONG AS I HAVE NO OWNERSHIP OF ANYTHING the benefit is NOT MINE. SO regarding the issue of POWER things are not as UNBALANCED as they seem. HE IS THE ONE who has LIVED FOR THAT VA HOUSE AND PROPERTY. He is as dependent on ME to achieve his dream of them as I EVER WAS on him..
I know this. And therefore I am confident that if I do get an offer I√Õl be off to work a few days a week and that furthermore, despite what HE WOULD LIKE, he will likely cease his complaining and thwarting and in the end BE SUPPORTIVE JUST AS HE HAS BEEN WITH MY TARGET JOB WHEN PUSH COMES TO SHOVE. IN THE END HE HAS WATCHED THE GIRLS AND STOPPED THE GRUMBLING. IN THE END HE EVEN SUPPORTED MY INSANE WORKING OF FOUR NIGHTS IN A ROW SO I COULD EARN WHAT I NEEDED FOR CHRISTAMS TIME. IN THE END HE STILL PAYS FOR MY TRAVEL EXPENSES IN SUPPORT OF MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY OLDEST CHILDREN.
AND IN THE END, DESPITE HIS FEELING THREATENED BY IT FOR ITS NEWNESS AND ITS TAPPING INTO EMOTION WHICH IS SCARY SINCE AS A CHILD HE WAS SO ATTACKED AND HARMED BY THE NEGATIVE ABUSE OF HIS PARENTS, WESTELY HAS LEARNED TO LOVE
I really think that is what this power struggle IS ALL ABOUT. IT√ī THE FUNDAMENTAL AGE OLD STRUGGLE OF GOOD OVER EVIL, the power OF LOVE To overcome ABUSE.
And in the end, Westely HAS BEEN ABLE to be LOVING and supportive of me and all our family MOST OF THE TIME.
So I remind myself of that at this juncture of the new year°¶WHEN I AM ACTIVELY COURTING MORE POSITIVE CHANGES in MY LIFE and by extension in OUR LIVES.
CHANGE INDEED IS THE SCARIEST THING OF ALL.
It really SAD that there has been an increase in his violence by means of GRABBING MY ARM ONE TIME, or the ONE SLAP TO MY FOREARM when he was driving the car and I went to change the radio, and the ONE GRAB and picking me up and moving me OUT OF HIS PARENTS HOME, and THE ONE GRAB THEN PUSH to my neck in an attempt to intimidate and get me to sell my car.
I THINK THIS IS SO VERY SAD AND SO VERY PREDICATBLE AND ALSO WAS IN FACT SO VERY EXPECTED OF ME WHEN I MADE THAT CHOICE TO HANG IN HERE AND ADDRESS HIS ABUSIVENESS BY CALLING IT WHAT IT IS AT EVERY INSTANCE.
YOU see there is OFTEN an INCREASE in MALADAPTIVE BEHAVIOUR when it is INITIALLY ATTACKED HEAD ON AGGRESSIVELY. IRONICALLY THAT IS THE ONLY MEANS BY WHICH IT WILL EVER CHANGE.
TO DATE THERE HAS IN FACT BEEN AN ALMOST CEASING OF BEHAVIORS of CURSING, NAME CALLING, CONSTANT INTERRUPTION OF MY TIME WITH OTHERS°¶WHETHER WHEN ON THE PHONE OR WHEN OUT WITH OTHER PEOPLE.
In Adressing the VERBAL ABUSE and SOME ASPECTS of PSYCOLOGICAL ABUSE over the first few years of my marriage°¶WE HAD A GREAT DEGREE OF SUCCESS.
Coupled with that success though is the ONSLAUGHT of PHYSICAL abuse. This Indeed was employed ABOUT A YEAR INTO OUR MARRIAGE VERY AGGRESSIVELY at which the police were called and charges filed. I STILL MAINTAIN THAT WE COULD NOT STAY MARRIED HAD I NOT DONE THAT.
Ironically, NOW that there is a decrease in OTHER FORMS OF ABUSE°¶this Past year WESTELY HAS TESTED ME BY THAT Slap, push etc... knowing THAT IF I CALL THE POLICE WE WILL NOT REMAIN MARRIED
Its almost like he is a toddler having a tantrum. Since he can√’ do the OTHER STUFF he will do THE ONE THING HE CAN POSSIBLY GET AWAY WITH.
AND indeed I LET HIM GET AWAY WITH THAT OUT OF THE VERY FACT THAT HE KNOWS THE ONLY OTHER ALTERNATIVE.
HE LIKES HIGH RISK BEHAVIOR AND HE IS PLAYING RUSSIAN ROULETTE as if he pushes that too far HE WILL FIND THE MOST OBVIOUS RISK ACTUALIZED.
Some would say I TOO AM PLAYING RUSSIAN ROULETTE. BUT I DON√Ķ THINK SO. I DON√Ķ THINK HE WILL EVER REALLY HARM ME as I believe his resorting to petty slap and pushing etc IS MERELEY TO INTIMIDATE
I feel like CALLING HIM ABUSIVE indeed HAS DONE WONDERS for him. I feel like THIS IS AN OPPORTUNITY FOR GROWTH that maybe I CAN HELP HIM WITH. I feel like I MARRIED HIM AND MADE THAT COMMITMENT AND HAVE AN OBLIGATION TO TRY TO HELP HIM AND OUR WHOLE FAMILY AS LONG AS IT IS NOT DANGEROUS AND ADVERSELY AFFECTING THE CHILDREN OR MYSELF.
Maybe I am wrong that I AM NOT ADVERSELY AFFECTED°¶but I still feel like I see and experience everything from an INCREDIBLY HEALTHY PERSPECTIVE
I BELIEVE I AM STRONG AND BRAVE AND THAT I AM NOT DECEIVED AND IGNORING A THREAT. I think WESTELY ONLY THREATENS HIS OWN SELF. HE ONLY THREATENS HIS OWN STABILITY EVERY TIME HE ALLOWS ANGER TO OVERCOME HIM.
Thanffully he in fact HAS HAD CONTROL and AWARENESS TO Stop himself, and HE HAS THAT HEALTHY FEAR EVERY TIME HE STARTS IN AND I IMMEDIATELY GRAB THE PHONE AND DIAL 911. I have done so then disconnected the call before it went through when he did in fact control himself.
For Christmas I gave WESTELY One other gift. I called our VA MARRIAGE COUNSELOR and left a message asking if he was available. HE was unfortunately our of town. BUT I offered to pay for a session while there and reiterated my commitment to continue to try to work on developing a HEALTHY FAMILY life and told WESTELY THAT I BELIEVE WE CAN DO SO SOMEDAY. I also told him, Ň£ETTER LATE THAN NEVER- and THE GIRLS WILL DEAL WITH WHAT HARM WE√◊e done in therapy as everyone else°¶lt;br>HE didn√’ argue with that.
Its true ALL FAMILIES HAVE ISSUES. ITS ALSO TRUE THAT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS INDEED POSSIBLE THE WORST ONE TO HAVE. THE Fact That its MORE COMMON THAT WE√• ALL LIKE IS REALLY SAD. BUT I ALSO THINK IT TRUE THAT IT CAN BE OVERCOME.
This year was one in which WESTELY ONCE AGAIN HAD TO FACE HIMSELF PERHAPS EVEN MORE HONESTLY THAN EVER BEFORE. WE GAINED A LOT MORE INSIGHT INTO HIS CHILDHOOD WHERE HE RECALLS HUNDREDS OF TIMES OF BEING SPANKED AND LITERALLY BEATEN WITH A BELT. That tapped into SOMETHING THAT HE HASN√’ ADDRESSED BEFORE. HE himself has said and has lived up to the promise THAT HE WILL NEVER BEAT HIS KIDS THE WAY HE WAS BEATEN. He himself HAS A HABIT OF COUNTING when he does spank. I HAVE GIVEN UP FIGHTING OVER EVER SPANKING And have made what our marriage counseling helped me to see is the HEALTHY STEP OF recognizing that HE NEEDS MY TRUST TO ALLOW HIM TO PARENT HIS WAY SOMETIMES and MY CONFIDENCE that The OCCASSIONAL SPANK will not turn into a BEATING
We have resolved the argument of fighting over this, and indeed we are COHESIVE IN OUR DISCIPLINING OF THE KIDS. They are not being beaten, I occassionally spank, and lo and behold WESTELY actually instills POSITIVE PRAISE AND REINFORCERS AND USES TIME OUT MORE THAN HE USED TO. I have seen how BOTH WESTELY AND I HAVE BENEFITTED IN OUR PARENTING BY ALLOWING OURSELVES TO EACH LEARN FROM EACH OTHER AND FROM THE COUNSELORS WE VISITED.
I feel like we are indeed at a PIVOTAL POINT in our relationship. I have PUSHED THE POINT OF IDENTIFYING EVERY INSTANCE OF ABUSE. MANY HAVE CEASED, the physical increased as the test this past year during which had I followed up and pressed charges WESTELY WOULD HAVE BEEN JAILED.
NOW we are out of the woods of litigation. In a sense its new start. Westely can do what he chooses and I will continue to not accept abuse. HE knows this. He was genuinely SHOCKED when I told him it was TWELEVE TIMES this year he put a hand on me in intimidation. He has been presented a honest picture of himself
(OOPS I Just looked up my stats: OK so its ELEVEN TIMES ALL BETWEEN JUNE AND DECEMBER VERY INTERESTING! HIS COURT CASE WAS IN SEPTEMBER!!! MOST WERE BETWEEN JUNE AND SEPT WHEN HE KNEW HE COULD GET AWAY WITH IT AFTER THE FIRST TIME THAT JUNE WHEN WE WERE IN A CAR AND HE SLAPPED MY FOREARM AND I DIDN«Ķ FILE A COMPLAINT AS I DID IN THE PAST! THEN NOTHING PAST SEPT UNTIL WE SPENT TIME WITH HIS FAMILY IN DEC!!)
Again, Westely is like the toddler testing the limits. At times a parent TRIES PLANNED IGNORING SO AS NOT TO GET INTO THE CONTROL BATTLE WITH THE TODDLER. WHEN A PATTERN OF MALADAPTIVE BEHAVIOR CONTINUES THEN OBVIOUSLY PLANNED IGNORING ISN«Ķ WORKING AND THE BEHAVIOR ISN«Ķ MERELY ATTENTION SEEKING THEN THE RESPONSE HAS TO BE CHANGED.
So I am at the juncture where I will indeed REINTERATE as I did last night that PHYSICAL VIOLENCE WILL NOT BE IGNORED.
I note that WESTELY PICKED THE NIGHT BEFORE HIS SISTER√ī WEDDING to pull the crap with KATERINA, and he picked CHRISTMAS WITH HIS PARENTS to pull crap with me THIS YEAR.
I have a long letter to give to him about THAT FAMILY PATTERN OF DYSFUNCTION AND HIS PATTERN OF FALLING INTO IT WHEN AROUND HIS FAMILY
B. SIMPLY REFUSE TO SPEND ANY SUBSTANSTIVE TIME WITH HIS PARENTS BUT MAKE VISITS REALLLY BRIEF AND DON√Ķ STAY THERE.
The second method is actually the one that one of his SISTER√‘ has intentionally employed. She learned that it is the best way for HER TO HAVE A HEALTHY relationship with ANOYONE ELSE as her Mother is so overtly controlling and manipulative. IT was nice that his OTHER SISTER and BROTHER IN LAW talked about ŇģOM°¶and how they manage this tendency.
And at this juncture of the NEW YEAR I MADE a DECISION OF HOW TO NOW SEEK Community support for our family. I wrote a note to SADIE'S TEACHER asking that she meet with the SCHOOL COUNSELOR in response to our family issues. I did this for KAterina and Soren when they lived with us, and I in fact met with the school counselor WITH THEM ON OCCASSION.
I think School Counselor's are often a very good resource for familys to turn to! The ones we talked with in the past were indeed helpful for the children, and I think it ALWAYS best to be honest with teachers about issues which affect children. I never found that Katerina or Soren's TEACHERS treated them any differently because they went to the Counselor to address any concerns. I don't expect there is any reason to worry about any possible NEGATIVE IMPACT.
I also think the very fact of TEACHERS and COUNSELORS being MANDATED STATE REPORTERS OF CHILD ABUSE not only A GOOD THING BUT ANOTHER EXTERNAL SUPPORT THAT FAMILYS CAN TAKE ADVANTAGE OF!
I think it will be helpful for Sadie to have the reinforcement of WHAT HEALTHY FAMILY COMMUNICATION SHOULD BE, and helpful for her to talk about What she saw over CHRISTMAS And to identify it AS UNHEALTHY. It may be good for her to discuss with a counselor HER FEELINGS ABOUT THIS.
I also had to offer explaination for her being late two days in a row! Yesterday she indeed did have an accident right before leaving, thus was late BUT THE REAL REASON Was that I hadn't taken my ADDERALL and was therefore just a MESS at keeping organized and having her and all ready on time. TODAY I think it hadn't really kicked in well and I was a bit HYPERFOCUSED and again lost track of time. I in fact didn' t take the 2nd dose at noon... OOPS WILL DO SO NOW.
But it was WESTELY'S COMPLAINING OF THE COST OF IT AND DISCOURAGING ME in receiving treatment in the face of the disorganized house, me not getting anywhere on time (including being late MEETING SADIE when she got off the bus- thankfully only by about five minutes! She gets home 3:45 or 3:50 and we pulled in at 3:50 to find her waiting!)
But in the fact of that most obvious AWFUL DAY and the knowledge they occur in greater INTENSITY and FREQUENCY when I am UNMEDICATED (Or not medicated enough) HIS LACK OF SUPPORT IN TREATMENT IS WHAT MOST UPSET ME AND TRIGGERED IN ME A REACTION OF REALLY ASSESSING HIS ABUSIVENESS AND CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR OVER THE PAST YEAR! I WAS SURPRISED WHEN I REVIEWED IT ALL!
AND although I OBSESSED ABOUT THIS ALL MORN, I think the apology to the teacher and directly TELLING HER Of the issues and seeking help is indeed the best thing to do right now for family support!
So off to school. Late- but she is getting there today. And she is getting there with a note that acknowledges our family history and seeks support.
IT makes me A LITTLE NERVOUS to do that. I never USED TO BE NERVOUS IN SEEKING OUTSIDE SUPPORT- but as it backfired in the past and was used as a catalyst to pull Katerina and SOREN FROM OUR FAMILY SYSTEM I RECOGNIZE THE RISK INVOLVED.
YET AGAIN, I recognized the risk THEN and still acted with what I thought was the BEST COURSE OF ACTION. SO now I do so again, knowing there is risk (THIS IS NY AND THEY ARE NOT AS FORGIVING AS VA when it comes to FAMILY ABUSE. KIDS WITNESSING ADULTS MISTREATING EACH OTHER ARE INDEED SUBJECTED TO ABUSE!!)
YET ONCE AGAIN, THERE IS NEVER ANY BENEFIT IN IGNORING ISSUES AND IF YOU LET IT REMAIN UNCHECKED THOSE PRONE TO BEING ABUSIVE GET WORSE!
So the recent PSYCOLOGICALLY ABUSIVE lack of support of work, lack of support of my medical treatment coupled with PHYSICAL ABUSIVENESS when with Westely's family makes me know I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING NOW TO ADDRESS THIS.
And that CAtHOLIC CHARITIES WE WERE ostensibly on the wait list for family counseling never did call back after a few calls in which they said they still had no openings but we are on the list....
I can seek help from the school. And I can SAVE MY MONEY to purchase the VIDEO PROGRAM I found for BATTERERS AND THEIR PARTNERS.
That is indeed one of my goals for this year. To get that program and HEAD ON ADDRESS the issue WITH WESTLEY-- HOPEFULLY with his willingness and support.
I think he is MORE AWARE of himself, and suprised, and scared by the reality. THat indeed makes me hopeful that he will continue the dialogue and growth.