2006-01-04 - 9:38 p.m.

POETRY. COM IS STILL ATTEMPTING TO WOO ME INTO SPENDING MY MONEY ON VANITY. I think they ran out of ideas though as todays E-MAil Solicitation was the same one I already received months ago for the PRESTIGIOUS POET pin for $19.95... I think they call it the "EDITORS CHOICE" award pin.

Hmmmm.... they don't have a very discriminating editor!

I actually DID write what I thought was indeed a VERY GOOD SHORT story to submit to a contest last month. I was VERY PLEASED with the outcome, but alas I FINISHED my rushed writing and cranked it out EXACTLY 30 MINUTES AFTER THE DEADLINE!
I e-mailed it anyway and was thankful for the burst of creativity and motivation that contest provided. It is a holiday story, so I'll archive it and edit it and then try again next year.

THe only thing that was rather interesting is that the WINNER in that publications contest HAD SOME STRIKINGLY SIMILAR ELEMENTS in her story! And I thought mine was SO UNIQUE! Honestly her's was even better so I was glad she won! But it was a bit weird to read the winning story with some of the VERY SAME ELEMENTS and realize mine was not so very creative. Odd....They both had to do with SANTA being REAL IN SOME WAY.... so what can I EXPECT when using such a cliche as part of the story! But I liked the reality of mine.... which was mirrored as well in the winning story. But this just must be RIDICOLOUSLY BORING TO READ-- especially as I haven't any way at this point to link my work or incorporate it her YET since I intend to edit, improve and submit it elsewhere.

It was nice to creatively write though- especially since I gave myself only ONE HOUR to do that project in! It took only an hour and a half which is a REAL RECORD for me! (AGAIN-- a benefit of medication possibly?) I have always been able to just get caught up in a creative project and then focus and do it--- but my typical problem is that I have a hard time BEGINNING as I procrastinate and make myself worry and put it off until the pressure of the LAST POSSIBLE MINUTE. Then oddly the tension of that stress which is self induced kicks my brain into this hyper processing mode and I just CRANK OUT REALLY GOOD STUFF super quickly. Then I CAN't STOP my writing to meet a deadline, or am not satisfied and enter HYPER PERFECTIONIST MODE and rationalize that its ALREADY late so it MIGHT AS WELL BE AS CLOSE TO PERFECT AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE BEFORE I HAND THE DAMN THING IN. I figured if I rushed and made careless mistakes or didn't edit etc... that it would be B WORK anyway if on time, so I always then OBSESSED about polishing any work before handing it in.

So I was the student that handed in A or A- WORK CONSISTENTLY LATE, then got a full grade dock OR I HANDED STUFF ON TIME BUT WITH CARELESS ERRORS AS I MISSED DETAILS or didn't follow instructions or made careless mistakes! Thus my SOLID B- AVERAGE.

That HABIT was really a total COP OUT from dealing with the ACTUAL STRESS and difficulty of getting organized and focused enough to get shit done. It was a COP OUT from the stress of actually sitting down to do work! I somehow couldn't plant my ass in front of a computer or work to read and stay awake until the panic button was hit at the last minute that would pump the adreneline that kept me from dozing off. It was clearly a Physiological thing as well. Even when I had to do paperwork as a manager of a group home I ended up finding it so soporific that I would put it off until the last minute, or do it DURING MEETINGS when there was enough other stuff going on I WAS SUPPOSSED TO BE LISTENING TO. Having work to do DURING A MEETING was a GREAT THING to help me Actually SIT THOROUGH LONG , tedious, inefficient staff meetings without falling asleep or being totally antsy about having to sit there! Come to think of it, I employed that technique as young as grade school when I would SMUGGLE literature into math class and when busted I ALWAYS had another stashed somewhere! I was a SERIAL READER throughout grammer school to ward off intense boredom and to keep my restless self ACTIVE when having to sit in a seat with the torture of mindless nonsense which was ridiculously easy and banal. I recall reading EINSTEIN'S theory of realativity then the teacher thinking I was being a wise ass... and another occassion of reading DON Quiote (However that is spelled) and him ALSO thinking I was being a wise ass so he made the mistake of asking me to tell the class about it. I SAUNTERED UP FRONT AND HE DIDN"T HAVE THE FLOOR THE REST OF THAT CLASS as I started in on the story with great animation and acting it out - very into it, and I just didn't stop.

IT was a highlight of my elementary school really--- along with a few other
"FUCK YOU" moments when my passive aggressiveness came out at the dimwit teachers who hadn't identified I wasn't WITH THE CLASS when called on as I was so damn bored (and as I realize now also hadn't the PATIENCE and attention focus to stay with them!) But I am more forgiving of them now seeing WHAT A PAIN IN THE ASS I must have been as an obstinate student.

Anyway, I guess I think of all of this as I had a GREAT CHAT with my DAD whom I called tonight. I was REALLY CALLING my MOM BACK as she left a worried sounding message. I wondered if somehow SHE READS this site! But I think its just that she has that MOTHER'S INTUITION!

She had always had that intuition with me, and it doesn't make her feel ANY BETTER when I try to assure her things are OK! But anyway, my DAD answered and I frankly discussed my marriage and he is just SUCH A GOOD SUPPORTIVE LISTENER who is never judgemental!

He really is such an outstanding example!
It was great to tell him all the REAL STUFF and for him to still have this loving attitude toward both ME AND WESTELY My DAD just REALLY GETS IT. HE really UNDERSTANDS that I am not a dimwit and that I have good judgement, and furthermore he understands that WESTELY CAN GROW and overcome his issues with LOVE and WORK over time!

I don't sugar coat ANYTHING with my DAD. I never did with EITHER Of my parents. This makes my mom a wreck, but DAD is just calm and unflappable.

I think perhaps that is because him himself is the child of an alcoholic and he had siblings who struggled and I think the issues WESTELY and I have delt with are just NOT SO FOREIGN to him. I think he has SEEN people grow through them and overcome dysfunction.

For some reason I feel like My MOM whose FATHER WAS ALSO AN ALCOHOLIC, is more in DENIAL of the reality of her family and it is almost too much for her to handle when I talk of my issues. I feel like in her case she may HERSELF have some unresolved issues and that for some reason there is more stuff of HERS that come into how she responds when faced with abusiveness. It seems to hurt her more and certainly ANGER her more. But then again maybe its just SHE'S MY MOTHER and women tend to be more empathatic than men so perhaps any pain I encounter is more acute for her than for my more rational and less emotional (by nature!) DAD.

In any case I do feel like I am very lucky to have a loving and supportive family of my parents and brothers. (Even the ones who at times are a bit immature!)

Tonight after I picked up Sadie from school we went shopping with Raitlin who had $35 to spend. She was given a "LEOPORD" Faux FUR COAT from her Godmother for Christmas. Now Raitin is THREE YEARS OLD. Not only was the coat TOO BIG, it was TOO MATURE Of an item for such a little girl, and well TOO OLD ITALIAN AUNT STYLE for both WESTELY and I (Anyone know about that?It's the typically GARISH , OVERDONE, LOOK AT ME type-- the bright prints with HUGE FLOWERS as another example, along with overly done hideous makeup that makes the elder ladies look like they got lost in a circus during an Alzheimer's episode... until you note the OBVIOUS STRONG ITALIAN FEATURES with STRONG PERSONALITIES to match that don't quit the "LOOK AT ME" antics... and then it makes sense)

Anyway, such AUNT who WE JUST LOVE DEARLY... in all regards but STYLE, wouldn't be sad to learn of RAITLIN'S beautiful generosity in exchanging her gift. ( I felt badly we hadn't returned it RIGHT AWAY as we would have had MORE MONEY since this week there is another sale... but nonethless the bargins on the things Raitlin picked out were so good that I think in the end it was good we waited!) Raitlin considered getting herself a SALON HAIRCUT with some money leftover to buy a toy or clothing. She considered (rather strongly) the DISNEY PRINCESS NIGHTGOWN with all its frills. She considered the singing CHRISTMAS PLUSH DOGS which delighted her. She ever so briefly looked at a stuffed animal, a doll, cookies and some socks and tights. BUT THEN SHE SAW IT AND KNEW THIS WAS WHAT SHE WAS GOING TO BUY! THERE THEY WERE- BALLET SLIPPERS! RAITLIN WAS THRILLED and forgot about all other possibilitys (Kind of like when one really falls in love that first time!)

This however is the beauty of it-- she then picked out NOT ONE, but FOUR PAIRS OF BALLET SLIPPERS- One for herself and EACH of her estatic sisters! And they ALL HAPPENED TO BE ON CLEARANCE! She then even had enough to buy one leotard and FOUR TU TUS. I opened a PENNY'S card for the additional 10% off the whole order and I sprung for an adorable pink fluffy DANCE BAG for all the attire to be stored in! All the items were on CLEARANCE and there was an additional 20% off CLEARANCE items today! With the 10% for opening a card Raitlin took it all home (along with a children's EXTRA LARGE pair of ballet tights which happen to fit me--- I wasn't SURE if they would, but figured hey- the girls can grow into them for the bargain they were! But they do-- somewhat scary due to my ADDERALL side effect. But I digress) AS I was saying, all for the GRAND TOTAL of $42 and change. So I CHARGED $8.00 and some small change which will be the first and last charge I'll put on that card!

What a blast! The girls came home GIDDY and danced around while I made a quick pot of soup from prepurchased broth, frozen turkey and fresh sauteed carrots, onions and celery. It was quite good for being a quick soup! I chatted with DAD while they danced-- ALL INCLUDING the 15 month old in her little ballet slippers and oversized TU TU that I put on over her shirt and pants. The others pulled out the leotards we already have plenty of.

It was an all girl night!

And we certainly made the most of it!

I was proud after the past two days of being a MESS with getting anything organized or done on time to have then whisked them all into PJS at 7:30 sharp, then I let them eat dinner in Jammies and whisked them off to brush teeth and go to bed at 8:15. After cleaning their room and reading stories it was 9pm when they all went off to sleep (one hour past the TARGET BEDTIME of 8pm) NOT TOO BAD for having come home at 6:30pm after running the errand! (We usually EAT DINNER around 5pm to get them in bed by 8pm)

I also got the bathrooms cleaned and threw some laundry in. I think my medication finally kicked in! I don't feel at All DIFFERENT-- but just NOT OVERWEALMED and LESS FUZZY And CLEARER.

LESS FUZZY is by far the oddest yet most accurate desciption of what it feels like to be medicated to me. When I forget to take the medicine, as when I FORGOT TO PACK IT when we left VA so I went without it for a bit, or as in when I FORGET a dose --- I DO NOTICE that things start to become not only harder to manage, but I get not only distracted but EASILY overwealmed and CONFUSED by such seemingly simple things in life like managing meals and laundry and getting kids teeth brushed. I ALWAYS HAVE ACHIEVED ALL THOSE THINGs, but with a kind of FOGGINESS of thought in the whole process. Its hard to describe- but MUST be NOTICABLE TO OTHERS since my knickname in High School WAS ALICE As in OFF IN WONDERLAND. (A lovely nun coined that for me and it stuck)

I just get spacy and flighty. Nothing was EVER MORE CONFUSING than trying to ENTERTAIN and HOST A WHOLE GROUP OF PEOPLE.
A friend who I visited said I seem "LESS SCATTERED" and I think that too is a really apt desciption.

Anyway I likely AM OBSESSING about this topic and at this point have written it to death-- but its my way of dealing with what seems to me to have been a real PHOBIA of drugs... an extension of the phobia of alcohol that my mom ingrained in me! Westely had to help me overcome anxiety at the thought of having a drink! Thank GOD I truly did not have very painful labors as EVEN IF I DID I think I STILL Wouldn't have taken and drugs in childbirth .... OH yeah... I finally did have drugs after Alexy's delivery when they clearly told me I WAS HEMMORAGING PRETTY BADLY AND PROGESTERONE REALLY WAS NECESSARY AND NO LONGER OPTIONAL UNLESS I WANTED TO ACT LIKE A JEHOVAH WITNESS. I trusted my DOC so he didn't actually USE THOSE WORDS but just told me "IT's a GOOD IDEA" and Westley LATER TOLD ME that I was in fact bleeding severely.

In any case I REALLY DO recognize it is just ridiculous to have had that fear of substances to such an extent. At some point I realized it was a real phobia for me (likely the only one I have EVER really had!)

So I guess that's why I write about this topic so much-- it helps me accept that not only is medication NOT HARMFUL but IN FACT IN THIS REGARD OF TREATING MY ADHD VERY HELPFUL.

And Westley will just have to accept that EVEN WITH MEDICATION I AM NOT PERFECT! That indeed is HIS discontent and his issue to resolve-- The medication doesn't make me ALWAYS ATTENTIVE to his needs and desires-- just MORE OFTEN attuned and focused and organized. He FEELS LIKE IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE as he still notes the BAD DAYS but also I think HE ACTS UNSUPPORTIVE as he SUBCONSIOUSLY DOESN"T LIKE that when I am more organized it gives him less fodder to complain about and therefore less he can attempt to be controlling about. He really has had little to critize. It is uncomfortable for him as when HEALTIER the balance of power is definately shifted! THUS THE RECENT REGRESSION ON HIS PART IN RESPONSE!
But he trys to DISCOURAGE ME saying he sees no difference. I think that BS. I think He is either UNACCEPTING because of the actual changes OR HE IS ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO WILL NEVER BE SATISFIED AS THE GLASS IS ALWAYS HALF EMPTY! Either way, his impressions are at TIMES helpful to me. He has honestly at times told me he sees a difference. He has at times said "Did you forget to take your medicine today" when the answer WAS IN FACT "Yes- Is it that obvious?"

So he ALREADY has communicated that HE SEES THE BENEFIT OF MEDICATION.

The fact he SAID LAST NIGHT that he doesn't think it helps RIGHT AFTER asking me how much it costs then complaining "What't the use of cutting out the cell phone to save money when that's the same cost", lets me know that in that moment he was merely HYPER FOCUSED ABOUT FINANCES and not THINKING OF ME AT ALL, and that he also is possibly THREATENED by the positive benefits and DOESN'T LIKE that when I have all my shit together he has no way of criticizing me and accusing me of passive aggressive behavior every time I fail to follow up on something he's asked of me.

When he asked WHY don't you pay for it? I said "BEcause I am your wife and your dependent" and then I brought up the TAXES. That was the point at which I said I would pay for it if we were filing MARRIED FILING SEPERATELY which made him even more exasperated and feel even more threatened-- but indeed shut him up about selfishly complaining about the cost of my medical maintenance.

He said something like "There is no benefit in you doing that" and I countered,
"BUt there is a HUGE benefit to you for me to file jointly with you" and then I listed that fiscal REWARD for him. He knew I had seen through to his motives and his interests and there wasn't alot for him to say in response. So I am angered with his selfishness, but at this point figure with writing to vent about it I won't be hearing a complaint from him again about my COST of medication and Dr. care!

He really is so one dimensional! HE truly thinks and worries about money to such an unhealthy degree, and then gets himself in over his head with living truly beyond his means. I haven't alot of sympathy for him as it is all of his own doing based on his own grandious vision of what he wants to have. I really sometimes wonder though- despite the fact he has managed to keep it all together to date, if there is not Something SERIOUSLY wrong with him that he always has to CREATE that artificial financial stress for himself. To me it really is a CONTRIVED stress that is self imposed. NORMAL PEOPLE struggle for ONE MORTGAGE-- NOT THREE MORTGAGES on TWO HOMES (HE took out a home equity for construction) I really sometimes wonder if he is not a truly MANIC person. I wonder if his LOWS could be manifested in ANGER episodes as Depression in men often is. I wonder what the heck it is in me that would be ATTRACTED to a BIPOLAR person (MY EX) and POSSIBLY even WESTLEY,

But I am playing Psycotherapist again and really have no business doing so!

Except in relation to myself-- and I still can't quite figure out WHY I HAVE BEEN ATTRACTED TO OBVIOUSLY BRILLIANT BUT PSYCOLOGICALLY DIAGNOSABLE MENTALLY ILL MEN!

HEck my first boyfriend ever threatened suicide when I broke up with him! SO he too was not stable!
It is a question I had raised when talking with that social worker who was the only sharp one in the folks I met in Buffalo in the litigation. She was the only one who knew I was honest and saw through the EXs crap. I had shared with her my assessment of BOTH my EX and my hubby and my EX MONSTER IN LAW with the controlling temperment not unlike my current mother in law.

Men with overly dominant mothers.... there's another pattern. I just don't get it-- I just can't figure out WHAT IT IS IN ME that made those traits ones which appear in my life IN PATTERNS. I do wonder about my own mother and think perhaps SHE TOO was depressed. PERHAPS That is indeed the missing link for me- a real understanding of my own mother. I don't think I REALLY HAVE that insight about her. I feel like she is just not an open enough person to frankly TALK TO ME about possibility of MENTAL HEALTH issues in herself or her family. MAYBE That alone is an indicator OF SOMETHING

Maybe I never will figure it out. But I will at least occassionally re-visit these questions!

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