2006-04-10 - 1:58 p.m.
I just called the IRS to inquire about whether you can file an amended return going from having filed MARRIED JOINTLY to filing MARRIED SEPERATELY.
You CAN do the reverse.
What that means is that my SEPERATE income which is for my use is TAXED at my husband's tax rate.
What that means is that when he put MY INCOME into the tax formula the refund we would have received dropped by $948
So Westley now thinks that I SHOULD PAY HIM THAT DIFFERENCE
I said "Are you nuts? Lets look at this-- If I am to pay that difference, then you can also look at ALL THE DEDUCTIONS and allow me to allocate 50% of them TOWARD THE REDUCTION OF THE TAXES I WOULD HAVE PAID ON MY INCOME EVEN IF IT WAS TAXED AT YOUR EARNED INCOME TAX RATE"
I thought that would pretty much end the discussion.
I said "Let's just file MARRIED FILING SEPERATELY And then you won't have to worry about me paying my appropriate share."
He had said "IS it fair that I PAY TAXES ON YOUR INCOME?"
I just pulled my W2 and ran it all through the 1040 as if I were to file Married Filing Separately-- and he is correct, I would then owe.
But the amount is $34.88
He's such a stingy bastard sometimes.
HE can just get over the fact that to be married is sometimes a liability in the fiscal sense! But what the hell DID HE EXPECT????
I am after all a DEPENDENT. That means he is in fact SUPPORTING ME.
Now what angers me most of all about this is that he doesn't ACNOWLEDGE that there is really any MONETARY VALUE to my staying home with children. He really doesn't get it that IF I WORKED AND HE AND I HAD TO PAY FOR CHILD CARE it would be MORE CASH OUT OF HIS POCKET.
Since we have SEPARATE FINANCES therefore it is really only MY FINANCIAL SACRIFICE to stay home. So I think it nervy for him to fucking complain about his lost $900 in the tax refund when I am the one who is not even really in the job work force. (OK so I work, but I STILL THINK OF MYSELF as a STAY AT HOME MOM and hardly think of the few nights at TARGET as a REAL JOB!)
It would indeed be MOST ECONOMICALLY ADVATAGEOUS FOR ME TO JUST NOT BE AT ALL DEPENDENT and to work full time and then for us to SHARE child care and household costs EXCEPT that because of my hubbys standard of living WE HAVE BOTH CHOSEN to maintain a lifestyle which I just could never support financially! That being the case I get the lifestyle benefits (or so he thinks ) of his income.
But the reality for me is that translates into MORE HOUSE to clean (as yes he is now to financially strapped to continue to afford housecleaning which we USED to have but have done without for years now!)
And that means he never has any money for anything I WOULD CHOOSE TO SPEND MONEY ON. And he IS NOT GOOD AT SHARING.
HE Provides good food and a roof-- but heck ANYONE CAN GET THAT
I have told him before that is the base of the MAslov triangle. ANd I aspire to have ENRICHMENT IN LIFE other than meeting merely basic needs!
SO HE THINKS ITS A GREAT QUALITY OF LIFE HE PROVIDES
and I tell him HE LOWERED MY QUALITY OF LIFE as I had a GREATER QUALITY OF LIFE in a small apt with no mortgage and enough to provide not only for the basics but ENRICHMENT AND ENJOYMENT IN LIFE AS WELL!
He really just doesn't get it.
It really hit the nail on the head when I was talking to my older brother who asked about how it was going "With Westely's problems with money"
Westely THINKS he is so GOOD with finances - however when living WAY BEYOND OUR MEANS with the mortgages on two houses and a 2nd mortgage for construction which is YEARS from seeing completion (if ever) I think THE REST OF THE WORLD WOULD AGREE MY HUSBAND HAS SOME SERIOUS MONEY MANAGEMENT ISSUES!
So at least NEXT YEAR we can file MARRIED FILING SEPERATELY!
I suggested it about EVERY YEAR but didn't push the point. This year I shall. He said something like "WE CAN't this year as we have the farm business which is the pass through tax right off."
Which would translate into him losing EVEN MORE income to taxes and ME GAINING MORE as I would have to pay NONE!
He tried to act like "NO that can't be done... but if you sign over your interest in the farm business next year we can do that."
Now I am not the idiot he is trying to play me to be. However DESPITE that--- since I have no OWNERSHIP of the farm ANYWAY... I have NO QUALMS ABOUT SIGNING OVER MY RIGHTS TO OWNERSHIP OF THE BUSINESS which also means giving up any associated OBLIGATIONS.
Similar to any work I do FOR OUR FAMILY... running of a family farm business for me is a LABOUR of LOVE. Some things are not entered into for what we will get out of them, but for the sheer enjoyment and commitment to doing the thing in and of itself. I would think when one has kids and a spouse the motivation to do so wouldn't be overshadowed by FINANCES.
That seems so clear to me!
The family farm is the same. NO ONE REALLY goes into farming small scale expecting to make a profit! What people do is go into it EXPECTING IT TO OFFER A WONDERFUL LIFESTYLE for their kids growing up! They go into it thinking they WILL ENJOY It. The fact of the tax write off is KUDOS based on the fact the IRS recognizes there is VALUE in providing produce and rural areas and scenerey.. and avoiding overdevelopment etc...
This week we ALL intended on going to VA to do some Spring planting. It turned out though that WESTELY REALLY wanted to go himself. So even though we all planned on going, and even though we were ALL PACKED and ready to go, at 9:30 am he FOUND SOME EXCUSE to act like we were not ready and said he would leave by 10AM by himself if I hadn't finished DOING ALL THE REMAINING LAUNDRY IN THE HOUSE!
I said "That is not possible-- however if you don't feel comfortable LEAVING dirty laundry in the hamper while gone for a week then we can bag it up and all go together RIGHT NOW. Its no excuse to PRETEND we are not ready!"
He went on a rampage and pointed to one spill on the floor and claimed the house was a mess. I really just ignored him in his delusional wackiness which was REALLY designed to TRY TO MAKE IT SEEM like I hadn't done my share to be ready (when I had) so he could PRETEND TO HIMSELF to have an EXCUSE TO LEAVE WITHOUT ME AND THE GIRLS!
Westely REALLY has this serious problem with ALLOWING HIMSELF SOME RELAXATION AND PLEASURE IN LIFE!
HE really only feels VALIDATED when he is ACHIEVING SOMETHING BY WORKING. HE needs a project to complete to give himself a pat on the back.
I suppose that workaholic tendency is common among children who grew up with abuse as it gives them a sense of validation and they can be BUSY and AVOID HAVING TO REALLY FACE THE PAIN OF INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS.
Its the PAIN OF HAVING TO REALLY EXPOSE ONESELF and then
Its the damage caused by abuse.
I think he is scared to do so which results in avoiding the possibility much of the time.
Fortunately at OTHER TIMES WESTELY WILL LISTEN as I tell him I THINK THIS IS WHAT HE HAS DONE.
HE DOESN'T ARGUE WITH ME.
I told him that HE DOES DESERVE TO HAVE A REAL BREAK and A REAL VACATION away from us all if that is what he needs! I told him HE COULD JUST MAKE THOSE PLANS AHEAD OF TIME RATHER THAN SABATOGE THE ONES WE MADE INCLUDING ME AND THE OTHER GIRLS!
HE WON't Give himself PERMISSION to slow down. He won't give himself PERMISSION for PLEASURE in life (very often! At least he DOES relax SOMETIMES!)
One thing that IS SO GOOD for us is when we interact with FRIENDS. It has been terriffic that Westely has also learned to relax with BOTH of his sisters. When they first came to VA he was AS GUARDED and difficult with them as with anyone... (maybe moreso) but after a few years he became more comfortable with them. Likewise with some of our good friends there!
But the REAL REASON for the leaving on his own on SAT was that I MADE PLANS for us to see our MARRIAGE COUNSELOR in VA TUE NIGHT!
Westley said he didn't want to go. I told him I was making the appointment TENTATIVELY with the counselor and would call to confirm. I told him I was getting our good friend to babysit so WE WOULD HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY and that he could decide at the last moment. I told him that I EXPECTED THAT HE COULD DO SOMETHING I WANT TO DO WHETHER HE LIKES IT OR NOT FOR ME! I TOLD HIM I DO THE SAME FOP HIM ALL THE TIME. I TOLD HIM EVEN IF HE WOULDN"T GO TO THE APPT THAT WE COULD THEN GO OUT TOGETHER FOR A FEW HOURS!
I have been pushing this point lately that I DESERVE THAT TIME from him to go out. I have been saying ITS RECOMMENDED ONE NIGHT A WEEK IS DATE NIGHT. I told him I WILL START WITH SETTLING FOR ONE NIGHT A MONTH as that's what I can afford right now! I have told him that I AM MAKING PLANS FOR US AND GETTING A SITTER AND EXPECT HIM NOT TO SABATOGE IT!
I have REFUSED TO ACCEPT NO TO EVERY SUGGESTION I MAKE and have instead said "SO YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO DO"
He said Go to STARBUCKS which is down our block. So I am working on a sitter for that one SAT morn in NY. (I did call and the one teenager athlete we had babysit once is REALLY BUSY with sports but some SAT she might be available and if not I'll keep trying other sitting leads! She may have just been too overwealmed by the girls who refused to go to bed the one time I did hire her so I could go to a book club at the library!)
Westely TRIED to Sabatoge the TUE plans by CALLING DIFFERENT FRIENDS OF OURS AND INVITING THEM OVER FOR TUE NIGHT! BUt he forgot the appt I made was for 5pm and the guy he called WORKS. I placed a call to his wife and told her about MY AGENDA and she TOTALLY CRACKED UP at his attempt to weasel his way out of it!
See this is THE FUNNIEST THING OF ALL IN A WAY WESTELY KNOWS I TALK HONESTLY TO FAMILY AND FRIENDS WHICH TERRIFFIES HIM! YET WHAT HE FAILS TO SEE IS THAT WE HAVE ALL THESE GREAT FRIENDS WHO REALLY DO KNOW BOTH OF US WELL -- both our strengths and our flaws AND THEY STILL LOVE US AND REMAIN OUR FRIENDS!
So what he DOESN'T SEE is that HE DOESN"T HAVE TO BE ASHAMED AND HIDE HIMSELF FROM THEM! HE DOESN'T HAVE TO ACT LIKE HE IS SO PERFECT... THEY ALL KNOW OTHERWISE ALREADY!
I think he WOULD HAVE BEEN EMBARASSED to have my one friend come and babysit and for her TO SEE HIS ANXIETY At leaving the girls in her care! Because he wouldn't want to offend her-- but she would have UNDERSTOOD and ACCEPTED that HE HAS AN ANXIETY PROBLEM when leaving the girls and ACCEPTED HIM IN HIS IMPREFECTION! She would have tried to REASSURE HIM. She in fact is one of those former workaholics who HERSELF has an addicitive personality who UNDERSTANDS HIM WELL! So I called her and had a great chat CANCELLING her coming to sit.
So when WESTELY Called and said he missed me and asked on Sat evening if I WANTED to drive down I said "I'm not really looking forward to the long drive. But I will if you will agree to go to the appointment then out for coffee with me. That would make it worth it."
HE quickly said "I've got to go. I have something to do now..." and I said
On Sunday morning he didn't call himself but at 10:30 am I called him. He talked of how the next door neighbor was giving our little one a pony ride soon! (She turned out TO BE AFRAID to get on the pony!)
We DID HAVE the conversation and he said he wouldn't go to the appt. HE also acknowledged that HE WAS MORE RELAXED without all of us there as he could GET SO MUCH MORE DONE. HE said "It's my vacation and I just want to get things done. We had a relaxing vacation here last time where I did relaz and didn't get anything done, this is a working vacation for me to get a lot accomplished"
I told him HE DID DESERVE To do that and he did agree it would have been better to PLAN IT THAT WAY.
At least it turns out our neighbor wants to keep her horses on our land a bit longer. (She's had them there for three months now) So that means the land is in AGRICULTURAL FARM USE as she runs an Equine business. So Leasing to her means it not so imperative for planting to be done this week (which was to be my job with the help of the girls!)
I wasn't AT ALL DISAPPOINTED to not have to go do the farm work! I was in fact EXCITED to get to go to see the dance preformance on SUN instead! End of June or Early JULY we will all head down to VA TOGETHER and then I will catch up with friends there!
So now that I have straightened out MY TAXES and its all very clear I am going to ENJOY the rest of these days with WESTELY GONE! ITS SO NICE TO NOT HAVE TO BE GOING BACK AND FORTH TO THE BUS TWICE A DAY, and TO BE ABLE TO SLEEP ALL NIGHT for this week and to just RELAX and do things the girls and I enjoy.
I am going to look up PAPER MACHE as that is what is on our agenda! We WERE GOING to try to make a dinosaur like the ones the girls saw at the libary that the cool local preschool did. (The one I contacted but never sent my resume to as I determined the pay there wouldn't cover the tuition for ALL THE LITTLE GIRLS not yet in school! I am keeping that idea filed for NEXT YEAR since then two of four little girls will be in school. By Then I will ALSO have decreased my debt so I MIGHT be able to arrange something so I could work and have the other two girls go to that preschool!)
Katie announced though that she doesn't want to make a dinosaur. She changed her mind and informed me "I WANT TO MAKE A BARBIE"
So this should be a blast! Paper mache Barbie day!