2006-05-03 - 3:04 p.m.
I was planning on doing dishes and laundry while the girls home napped. I hoped to catch up on chores and make dinner this afternoon so when Sadie gets home we can eat early and have the house CLEAN when we return from SOCCER practice tonight!
SHE IS SO THRILLED!
I was thinking about KAtie who of all our children has had to deal with EMOTIONAL CONTROL and in fact has this aggressive streak (I THINK NOT UNLIKE WESTLEY!) that appears. I was wondering about him and Katie so came on line to SEARCH my old entrys for information on NARCISSISM which can be a manifestation of ACTUAL ABUSIVE PARENTING. I WANTED TO READ ABOUT THAT AGAIN THINKING OF WESTELY AND WONDERING IF THERE IS ANYTHING WE CAN DO TO PREVENT THAT TYPE OF LACK OF EMPATHY IN KATIE. KATIE WAS INDEED SPANKED MORE THAN THE OTHER KIDS AS SHE INDEED DID THOSE THINGS THAT WESTELY BELIEVED SHOULD BE HANDLED BY SPANKING! (She seems to be empahtetic to her sisters sometimes at least! She also "plays well with others" at school but I hope it is because she CARES TO and not merely a mechanical CONDIDIONING TO DO SO!)
I WANT WESTELY TO READ THAT ARTICLE SO HE CAN SEE THAT NARCISSISM IS INDEED CONSIDERED TO BE A RESULT OF ABUSIVE PARENTING WHICH HE MOST CLEARLY WAS SUBJECTED TO AND IN ENCOURAGEMENT TO NOT EMULATE TO ANY DEGREE! EVEN THOUGH HE DOEN't BEAT THE KIDS AND BELT THEM OR PADDLE THEM LIKE HIS PARENTS DID, I STILL THINK ANY SPANKING AT ALL IS DISRUPTIVE AND NOT HELPFUL AND IN FACT CREATES HARM. I have talked to him of these things MANY TIMES before. Sometimes he gets angry and sometimes he is open to it. HE HAS IN THE PAST AGREED TO USE TIME OUT RATHER THAN SPANK, and IN THE PAST HE WENT THROUGH PERIODS OF FOLLOW THROUGH BUT THEN HE REVERTS TO HIS PRACTICE OF SPANKING AGAIN AND I HAVE TO AGAIN ASSERT THAT I DON'T THINK IT OK AT ANY LEVEL. I hoped to e-mail him the link. The youngest is emerging into the terrible twos and that is the developmental time that he has been the spanking dad so I hope we can agree to do other things (AGAIN) and he can follow through! Indeed he DID NOT RELY on spanking with SADIE but then did so with KATIE as she was by NATURE herself more aggressive! BUT the problem is that I don't think it HELPS CURB THAT NATURAL INCLINATION so I THINK SPANKING HIDERS HER MORE than not using it would have! (HE thinks she would have been WILD and now that she is so CALM AND HAS SELF CONTROL he feels JUSTIFIED!) I think that is NORMAL DEVELOPMENT and that she would have DEVELOPMENTALLY HIT THAT POINT REGARDLESS OF WHAT WE DID, but that she may have a poorer sense of SELF and a poorer sense of BEING LOVED and a poor sense of WHAT LOVE IS by having been given that EXAMPLE, as well as have the idea THAT MIGHT AND POWER ARE MEANS OF GETTING A DESIRED RESPONSE FROM PEOPLE (WHICH I THINK UNFORTUNATELY WESTELY REALLY BELIEVES!)
I COULDN'T FIND THE ARTICLE THOUGH.
Instead I found ANOTHER link and started re-reading DR. PRESCOTT'S theorys on the ORIGINS OF LOVE AND VIOLENCE that I have read before.
WOW IS IT JUST JAMMED PACKED WITH SO MUCH INFORMATION. ITS INFORMATION OVERLOAD LOOKING AT HIS STUFF!
WHat is fascinating is that Katie was the ONLY CHILD who I had a difficult birth with. She indeed emerged with the cord around her next COMPROMISING HER OXYGEN and it was slipped free by the Dr. SHE ALSO HOWEVER WAS LIKELY IN DISTRESS FOR OVER AN HOUR as she was PUSHING AGAINST MY PELVIC BONE and I HAD EXCRUCIATING PAIN but that DAMN DR. REFUSED TO BREAK MY WATER TO ACCELERATE THE PROCESS ! (NOT THE ONE I TYPICALLY HAD, but this DR. AKBAR who was FILLING IN FOR MY OB/GYN who had his one weekend off!)
I recall the NURSES were angered by his seemigly sadistic comment "SHE WANTED TO GO NATURAL... LET IT HAPPEN NATURALLY" and his REFUSAL to assist when THEY AND I ASKED seemingly as he was ANGERED THAT I HAD REFUSED THE DRUGS HE TRIED TO GIVE EARLIER AND I INSISTED ON A NATURAL CHILD BIRTH PLAN THAT HE WAS APPARENTLY NOT COMFORTABLE WITH.
THANKFULLY my husband's aggressive nature then CAME IN HANDY as he finally was ready to storm the DR LOUNGE where the guy was SLEEPING and the nurses said "GO AHEAD!"
SHE COULD HAVE BEEN BORN TWO HOURS EARLIER WHEN THAT SIGN OF HER BEING READY WHICH IS THE HITTING OF THAT MOST SENSITIVE SPOT AT THE VERY BOTTOM OF THE PELVIC BONE THAT OCCURS AS THE BABY EMERGES! The water not having broken was all that seemed to be in her way!
I think of this as I wonder if there was any distress during my HUSBAND'S BIRTH? HE WAS IN FACT BORN PREMATURE AND IN FACT REMAINED IN THE HOSPITAL SO THE MATERNAL BONDING WAS DISRUPTED. AS A PREMIE THAT HAD TO BE IN THE HOSPITAL, HE WAS THEN NOT NURSED.
WESTELY THINKS THAT THE DIFFICULTY WITH KATIE IS BECAUSE HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH HER WAS SO DISRUPTED AND SHE MAY HAVE THOSE FEELINGS OF HAVING BEEN ABANDONED AS HE WAS HOME AND THEN TOOK A JOB IN CA AND WAS NOT HOME FOR AN EIGHT MONTH PERIOD. HE would visit then, but only ever three weeks for a weekend.
I think BOTH her birth and that disruption of HIS RELATIONSHIP are indeed factors that made her this ANGRY child. I THINK HIS METHOD OF SPANKING When she was about to hurt either herself or others or inflict property damage (his criteria for spanking that we have ARGUED ABOUT SO MUCH!) has in fact NOT HELPED HER AT ALL but rather made her angrier. EVEN THOUGH SHE HAS LEARNED TO HAVE SELF CONTROL AND IS WELL BEHAVED I tell him that is likely something SHE WOULD HAVE DEVELOPED EVEN HAD HE NEVER SPANKED HER, and that KIDS WHO ARE NOT SPANKED LEARN THOSE THINGS!
She still however has this ANGER issue that although is MANAGED the other kids don't have. CONSIDERING WESTELY PARENTED the others pretty much the same it seems LIKELY THAT IT IS EITHER THE RESULT OF THE BIRTHING EXPERIENCE OR THE RESULT OF THE DISRUPTION OF HER RELATIONSHIP that is the cause of that.
I ALSO Think that MY PREGNANCY having been during THE STRESSFULL TIME JUST AFTER WE WERE HANDLING OUR ISSUES COULD ALSO BE A FACTOR!(Which WESTELY ADMITTED WAS INTENTIONAL ON HIS PART AS HE AT THE TIME WAS SO FEARFUL OF ME LEAVING THAT HE WANTED ME TO BE PREGNANT! EVEN THOUGH THAT WOULDN'T BE THE REASON TO STAY AND IN FACT MORE LIKELY WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE OF A REASON TO LEAVE HAD HE CONTINUED TO BE ABUSIVE!!) WE have both read or saw some show about TESTOSTERONE LEVELS of WOMEN BEING ELEVATED WHEN STRESSED And how that AFFECTS THE DEVELOPMENT OF BABIES. THEY HAVE FOUND IN STUDYING GENDER IDENTITY THAT LESBIAN GIRLS OR WOMEN WERE OFTEN CONCEIVED AND DEVELOPED DURING TIMES OF EXCEPTIONAL STRESS TO THEIR MOTHERS WHO IT IS SPECULATED HAD HIGHER TESTOSTERONE LEVELS. SOME STUDIES LINK ELEVATED TESTOSTERONE DUE TO STESS IN THE EXPECTANT MOTHER TO BABY GIRLS BORN WITH GENDER IDENTIFICATION ISSUES (When they don't identify themselves as GIRLS) AND TRAITS CLOSER TO MALES. (OH YEAH IT WAS A SHOW ABOUT PEOPLE WHO CHOSE TO UNDERGO SEX CHANGE OPERATIONS. IT MENTIONED THE ABOVE RESEARCH!)
We had joked (among ourselves and now won't again so it is not heard!) about "DADDY's LITTLE BOY KATIE"
She is just SO MUCH LIKE HIM.
When she first TALKED as A BABY it was JUST HYSTERICAL AS THIS DEEP GUTTERAL VOICE EMERGED and we joked it was "UNCLE VITO REINCARNATED"
It really did sound like the voice of an old Italian man coming out of this adorable baby girl sitting in the high chair. Boys (or girls with high testosterone levels who are in some ways more like boys) tend to be higher in systemizing and organizing skills and lower in EMPATHY than the typical girl!
So it was with fasination that today I READ THIS after following the link from the above article.
"Dr. Prescott's report" which HE CLAIMS had been attempted to be COVERED UP. (Hmmm... he comes across as a bit NARCISSIC himself!)
The part about studies indicating just how VITAL those birthing experiences are to later development are JUST FASCINATING.
I think Dr. PRESCOTT was apparently considered to be OUT THERE as he was FIRED and if you follow the links you can read how he alleges that his research was COVERED UP as no one in the GOVT really wanted to ADMIT the real etiology of violence!
HE ALLEGES it was too distructive TO OUR CULTURAL NORMS for people to accept conclusions of his research. HE ALLEGES THAT THE PRACTICE OF MEDICATING MOTHERS AT BIRTH IS DESTRUCTIVE and he cites studies in a variety of cultures that indicate DRUG ADDICTION to the type of drugs used to allevie a mother's pain being present in the newborn LATER AS AN ADULT are SIGNIFICANTLY INCREASED than addiciton to those same drugs in a control group who were not exposed to them at birth.
HE CITES SCARY THEORYS such as SUICIDE BY AFFIXIATION can be possibly linked to the experience of HAVING A BIRTHING EXPERIENCE IN WHICH OXYGEN WAS DISRUPTED FOR MORE THAN AN HOUR. Apparently when studying that the results show that those who had committed suicide by affixiation had a GREATER INCIDENCE of oxygen being cut off at birth (OR VICE VERSA- I FORGET WHICH) than a control group. (Although what contol group?)
NOW MAYBE THE GUY WAS LET GO BY THE NIH because he was himself a narcissic dude who was promoting his own research and improperly following his own agenda rather than theirs. Maybe he is a QWACK. Maybe he was off the deep end on his own mission of self promotion. COULD BE. HOWEVER IT ALSO COULD BE THAT HIS RESEARCH WAS TRULY GOOD SCIENCE AND AS VALID AS ANYTHING ELSE BUT TRULY TOO DISRUPTIVE OF SOCIETY'S STATUS QUO.
To suggest that it really IS CREATING PSYCOPATHS by MEDICATING MOTHERS during birth, disrupting that initial maternal bonding after delivery of babies (AS MEDICATED MANY MOM'S THEN SLEEP) and increasing the propensity of addictive behaviors in society by the ROUTINE USE OF DRUGS DURING CHILDBIRTH truly would disrupt the norm and not be easy to swallow.
HE literally suggests that the whole culture of WORKING MOTHERS and KIDS IN CHILDCARE AT YOUNG AGES is disruptive to normal healthy brain development.
AS an individual who was an orphan at AGE three one could surmise he just has issues HE WANTS TO HAVE RESOLUTION OF HIMSELF and that he is not credible.
However when I read his stuff the only think I HAVE A HARD TIME RECONCILING is that he sees RELIGION as an indication of societys that are MORE VIOLENT. AND EVEN THOUGH I WANT THAT NOT TO BE THE CASE, when I think about that it actually seems HISTORICALLY CORRECT.
So even though I DON'T LIKE THAT CONCLUSION I CAN'T REALLY ARGUE That THERE IS SOME TRUTH THAT THE HEIRERARCHYS OF ORGANIZED RELIGION AND THE JUSTIFICATION OF RELIGOUS FAITH HAS BEEN THE FOUNDATION FOR MORE WARS AND SOCIAL VIOLENCE AND SUBJEGATION OF PEOPLE (WOMEN, and others) in organized societys. But like the use of DRUGS DURING CHILDBIRTH I think RELIGION ALSO HAS BEEN A SOURCE OF PEACE FOR MANY.
HECK HOW MANY WOMEN WOULD HAVE BEEN CURSING VIOLENTLY DURING CHILDBIRTH WITHOUT THAT PAIN RELIEF? THAT WAS A REDUCTION IN VIOLENCE! (Ok--- so only in that MOMENT! )
If indeed he is CORRECT that the short term gain of having the mom not cursing and screaming in pain is NOT WORTH the long term results of use of drugs, then we are in a scary prediciment as EVEN WHEN I WANTED A DRUG FREE BIRTH EXPERIENCE I HAD TO REALLY FIGHT FOR IT AND I RECALL three our of five times my husband at the time had to ENFORCE my choice and STOP the nurse or DR from administering drugs! (I don't RECALL whether this was an issue when KATERINA was born)
So it is so CLEARY the NORM to drug women during birthing experiences. SO clearly the norm that often AT THE MOMENT OF BIRTH is disrupted
Another show WESTELY and I watched demonstrated how INTELLIGENCE is developed and that CONNECTIONS ARE MADE even from the moment of birth and that if a baby is left to FIND THE MOTHER'S NIPPLE the infant will CRAWL and become ACTIVE and more interactive EARLIER as their brain HAS TO WORK TO FIND FOOD. They showed that the childs brain development is ACCELLERATED and they are ACTUALLY SMARTER BABIES THAN THOSE WHO DON'T HAVE TO DO THE WORK FOR THEIR OWN FOOD! AMAZING! IN that amazing show about BRAIN DEVELOPMENT a baby left on the MOM's belly crawls to find the food after being born. WESTELY WAS SO IMPRESSED THAT WE DID THIS WITH SADIE! (and with KATIE we really were not so patient as she was lethargic after having such a difficult delivery so we just MOVED her to the breast after a little while! IT was a longer time than we had waited for SADIE to come to the breast though, and Katie just seemed to have NO ENERGY or INTEREST to do this herself.) I can't ever really know if that difficult birth is a factor in KATIE or if her issues with anger and emotional control are simply genetics! But I do think it interesting to read about and think about.
I have to find that OTHER ARTICLE to send to WESTLEY so he can think about these things as well sometime, but for now I will send him this link. I am afraid its just TOO MUCH INFORMATION and he might be resistant! But hey maybe it will be received better than the one suggesting he is narcissic which isn't REALLY the point- but the point that we should EXPLORE THE BEST PARENTING FOR THE KIDS SO THEY ARE THE BEST THEY CAN BE may be overshadowed by him feeling CRITICIZED. But heck I am not perfect either! The last time I read this stuff I was aware I HAVE TO MAKE MORE OF A POINT OF TOUCHING THE KIDS as by nature I DON'T NATURALLY DO THAT! My mother is very TOUCH ADVERSE in fact! MY DAD TOO was never a physical person. While this may in fact be a CULTURAL THING I also noted in reading that IRELAND IS ONE OF THE CULTURES WITH BOTH THE HIGHEST ALCOHOLISM AND VIOLENCE RATES! THE IRISH ARE BY NATURE NOT AS PHYSICAL and this in fact COULD BE A MANIFESTATION OF YEARS OF TRULY DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY PATTERNS AS A SOCIETY! HECK JAMES JOYCE WAS TRYING TO GET TO THAT IN "The Dead" Studying IRISH LITERATURE was just FASCINATING as that was explored! The whole SELF ESTEEM PROBLEM of IRELAND AS A WHOLE is likely a result of a CULTURE OF ABUSE! I heard an NPR piece about EDUCATION in IRELAND and how the SCHOOLS used to use physical discipline and the norm of abusivc teaching and parenting practices is being overcome. One day maybe Westley will realize when I share these IDEAS with him it is not to ATTACK him, but for us both TOGETHER to be the best we can be: Individually and as a couple, AND as a FAMILY!
TIme now to REALLY clean up the house and make dinner so we can get off to SOCCER on time!