2006-06-16 - 10:04 a.m.

In a leap of faith and trust, and wanting to not be a total LEECH that has a sense of entitlement (HA HA That narcissistic trait showing up in me AT ALL made me feel guilty, even if it is not pervasive!), I reviewed my direct deposit of my pay check today and decided that instead of paying my last attny bill I WILL TRUST that WESTELY TOLD ME HE WOULD HELP ME WITH THAT SHOULD I AGREE TO GO TO VA TO FARM, and I will swallow my pride and ASK him to cover it. I also will stick my Doctor bill for the last three CO-PAYS ($45) on his desk as well, and INSTEAD I SPENT MY MONEY ON ME!

YES I DID IT. I spent money on MYSELF. And since I just did that for my COLLEGE REUNION I hope this doesn't become a selfish trend! I DO think it better to in GENERAL keep being the tight wad so I have money for the things like RIDING BOOTS for Katerina. (Which thankfully I STILL HAVE here for a future gift!) I do think buying clothes for the kids should be priority, but now I am happy knowing that Katerina is taken care of in that regard and I also know that I personally send enough clothes for Soren throughout the year and I know that Katerina has denim shorts that happened to have been a boys size 12 that will fit him SO I KNOW HE'LL GET BY fine.

So I resisted the urge to send this money to everyone else! I have one more paycheck that I actually think will cover my attny anyway. Instead of doing the math to figure that out I JUST TRUSTED AND ACTED ON FAITH that this will work out and did something I have on my TO DO LIST for me:

I PAID for this acct.
I think it about time...

I then ALSO did something ELSE FOR ME which was more on the IMPULSIVE Side.

Last night I was just SO TIRED. I was WAY TOO TIRED to do dishes and laundry so decided to leave it and get to be earlier and do it this morn! THe luxury I occassionally relish when Westely has to travel! He called yesteday at 4:30 pm to tell me he was stopping home very quickly and then had to catch a charter flight at 7:30pm. I had JUST laid down and intended on napping but he asked politely "Would you mind helping me? I forgot I have to pick up my car. Can you get my travel bag ready at the door for me and dinner to go?"

So instead of a nap as I hoped for I did get dinner ready and all the girls to the table and packed the bag. He was off to Orlando for a meeting and will catch a charter back tonight at 7:30 pm and assures me he'll be back in time for me to go to work.

I was SO TIRED but decided I needed to RELAX for a while before bed.

I went on a site my friend introduced me to some time ago that I very rarely visit, but when I do I like to read the posts. And it struck me in reading posts about gatherings and her web site how she has developed this great COMMUNITY of supportive (mostly women) friends!
I have been thinking about the whole web community thing alot lately as a few of my night target co-workers are into gaming and my brother (the one with social anxiety) is into METS message boards and I think also some politics message boards in FL. My other brother said the bro who obsessess on those boards went to some function organized through one of them. I had said "That's great! Maybe it is really good for him and maybe he has developed some relationships"

I had asked my DAD if he thought my brother might be interested in gaming as my co-worker I am friends with (who is this wonderful girl VERY MUCH LIKE MY BROTHER) told me I should invite him into their gaming world. She and her husband just love it. She is in fact autistic (although very functional when she finds comfortable situations such as s night job where she only has to interact with a small group! I believe I am the only one at work that KNOWS she has been identified as that! She really comes across as excessively shy until you know her and doesn't have any of the more obvious phyical motor control or vestibular needs/issues)

I was interested in a subscription to the gaming as a birthday gift for my bro. My DAD said one Dr. said it is an ESCAPE and that the people who get really involved in on line communities when they have social dysfunction end up ENABLING THEMSELVES IN THEIR ILLNESS.

I really disagreed. I said "Maybe sometimes for some people if they have OCD type tendencys that are not curbed and then stop doing OTHER THINGS" .. so perhaps so for my brother who is not working and has gotten worse over the years, but as I told my DAD, "Perhaps for some people it is in fact THE FIRST MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIPS and communication they have had with others! I think for some people those communities ARE VERY GOOD as they allow connections and friendships to people who otherwise have difficulty!"

Dad said he agreed but in my brother's case he indeed has had obsessive compulsive issues and to date they haven't found effective medication that WORKED in assisting controlling that!

I CAN UNDERSTAND THOUGH that if my brother has not had meaningful relationships EVER that if he has found them that it is SO HARD for him to INTERACT IN OTHER WAYS! And of course even though my parents don't see it THEY ENABLE him in his illness moreso than anyone... as THEY provide the computer access and the means by which he gets into his own world.

But the thing is- he is actually INVOLVED at some level WITH OTHERS.

I was EXCITED to hear he has gone to events ! I think that is wonderful!

In any case the whole concept of enabling can be looked at negatively, or at in light of ACCEPTING AND INDEED SUPPORTING SOMEONE FOR WHO THEY ARE DESPITE DIFFERENCES.

I have long ago decided it is not my place to judge MY PARENTS in their love of their son and their willingness to have him live with them. Isn't that what loving parents do? ACCEPT AND LOVE AND OFFER SUPPORT UNCONDITIONALLY?
I think they have let go of his issues and tried to be a support while not taking on his battles while at the SAME TIME being open and willing to help in any way they can. I think they have found the balance of this with my younger brother's help at encouraging them that IN THEIR HOME they can set ground rules and that if he chooses to live with them that my brother DOES give up some autonomy and some right to be treated as fully emancipated ADULT as he is in fact A DEPENDENT OF THEIRS. THerefore if they want to do something like cut off their computer access to get him off it- go ahead. He can go to the library or get a job to get his own if he wants to. That might be a MOTIVATING AND HEALTHY THING TO DO. (I suggested it!)

But at the same time, I think the FORUMS are WONDERFUL TOOLS that like anything else can be USED WISELY or abused when it comes to yourself!

SO last night when seeking to relax for just a little while, and not wanting to put on TV and get caught up in a show (which would be on FAR TOO LONG than I wanted to stay up!) and really not wanting to READ (as that was what kept me up till way too long the previous few nights which is WHY I WAS SO EXHAUSTED, I visted a forum I haven't looked at in over six months. Then I clicked on some wonderfully amusing web sites linked from it. AND I HAD SO MUCH FUN.

So the IMPULSIVE THING I DID today with my own money that is about to all go toward BILLS, was I ALSO JOINED THAT FORUM. I feel like even though I LURK and read the stuff only ONCE IN A WHILE that it is the HONEST thing to do! Especially as I know not only my friend but a FORMER friend who posts there! I felt like it was the best thing for me to do as:
a. I can come clean in a sense and not feel like a voyaristic person violating boundries (HA HA! THERE it is again... that worry about not being appropriate since I read of that boundry issue and indeed realized I have it sometimes!)

b. It may be a vehicle for me to communicate with not only my friend BUT ALSO MAKE NEW FRIENDS

c. If I don't do it NOW as I am about to stop working for a little while I MIGHT NOT HAVE THE MEANS TO DO IT FOR A LONG TIME!

d. Westley told me "I have an inteview in NJ" to which I said "What and who is in NJ????"
Of course its a big company with a big job and a big ass job title

But HE ALREADY IS THE BIG ASS

Under d. the main point being that if Westely can't be convinced that THERE REALLY IS NO HARM IN STAYING PUT AND ACTUALLY LETTING PEOPLE GET TO KNOW YOU well and that YOU DON'T NEED TO HAVE A BIGGER AND BETTER JOB TO FEEL VALIDATED then, even if we end off shuffling off to who knows where (as of course I can try to DRAW THE LINE and have been ASSERTIVE ABOUT THIS but if he doesn't compromise and the only other option is DIVORCE its not something I will get a divorce over!), Then it WOULD BE NICE to have SOME MECHANISM to develop relationships and a sense of community that could remain somewhat THERE REGARDLESS OF WHERE WE ARE REGIONALLY!

Enter the on line appeal of virtual communities- they provide that sense of "Community" for those of us in this day and age who are so mobile in our work that we don't foster community in the places we live as people used to since everyone is SO MOBILE that even if WE STAY PUT all those around us are constantly changing.

So I am in. And now perhaps since I am done writing I can go and take care of my TIRE That is still in need of repair like I would have likely done at 9:30 AM this morn if I didn't waste time on line! (HA HA !!) But I just LOVE this escape sometimes even if it DOES detract from REAL LIFE!

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