2006-07-10 - 7:51 a.m.

Yet another article that attests the #1 Factor that influences whether kids exhibit violent behavior is VIOLENCE IN THE HOME, INCLUDING SPANKING

http://msnbc.msn.com/id/13596118/

I just think it very sad that when Westely's bro in law came by and said he thought Westely would do "whatever you want" and claims Westely said that he wants to not lose us all and wants to work through this that the things he mentioned
ALL MISSED THE MAIN POINT.

He just doesn't get it.

Nor do I think he ever really will. I mean it is SO HARD to overcome years of teaching of your own family.

Despite the fact my bro in law said he Westley is "not pleased with his parents right now" I think that while it is GOOD he has all his family's support, that they won't be able to HELP HIM WITH THE INSIGHT HE NEEDS.

What is actually sad about that is that when he was in college and in grad school I think Westely saw the world from a perspective that was new and appealing to him. When we got married he professed that he did not believe in spanking as there were better more effective ways to discipline.

He indeed HAD GROWN and allowed his experiences to shape him as an individual. But now I feel like he has regressed back to the familiar and has not allowed his real self to develop.

I think that is so sad as Westely has so many WONDERFUL parenting attributes-- but with that addition of ABUSIVENESS all those strengths and wonderful things about him just are not relevant to consider.

That's the tragedy in this. There really is no way to do any sort of cost benefit analysis when it comes to abusiveness--
Because NO MATTER WHAT IS ON THE POSITIVE SIDE, IF ABUSE CONTINUES IN A RELATIONSHIP IT WEIGHS ON EVERYONE MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE.

The impact is too great of setting an example for kids of a parent who belittles, doesn't respect, and in fact physically threatens and intimidates the other parent!

Perhaps someday he'll take responsibility and realize I am doing what is best for our girls. They can't be raised in that climate. They can't continue to be hit (even under the so called spanking!) It is not spanking when they are hit in the leg, and the stomach, and the back. It is not spanking when they are smacked on the butt so hard and so often that they are sore and their capillarys are broken. It may have been mistaken (by me!) for diaper rash- but when it continued AFTER DIAPERS ARE NOT WORN but the girls were still being SPANKED that was a wake up call to me.

Their butts are healing nicely this week.

So I can not deny what was the cause of irritation.

I just think it sad to have received a note from him that Westely left BEFORE THE PPO as he was heading out the door with an officer I guess that said nonsense such as
"try to be more patient" regarding my telling him I wanted to work and "My job is in NY" and then the kicker "I don't know what Sadie hurting herself by jumping on the ceiling fan has to do with this."

Pathetic.
To frame the bruise on her stomach that was an imprint of his hand as having been caused by her JUMPING on the ceiling fan which is a physical impossibility merely makes him look like a desperate liar.

To act like this is all about me wanting to work clearly misses the whole point of me wanting to work WHILE IN RELATIONSHIP WITH WESTLEY! I only sought work as he thwarted any HEALTHY child centered activity at home (NO CRAYONS, NO PAINT etc....)
and as he did not value paying for children's activities and I thought I HAD TO WORK TO MEET THE NEEDS OF THE FAMILY HE NEGLECTED AND THWARTED!

Heck I VALUE AND ENJOY staying home with the girls AS LONG AS FEASIBLE if
I am ABLE TO ACTUALLY DO ACTIVITIES WITH THEM WITHOUT PRESENCE OF SUPPLIES BEING A CRISIS! WITHOUT KID's NORMAL MESSES BEING A SOURCE OF ANGER!

Basically I would LOVE TO STAY HOME WITH THE GIRLS
WITHOUT WESTELY THERE TO CRITICIZE, ABUSE, ADMONISH AND BELITTLE ALL OF US EVERY DAY.

But I also look forward to teaching them TO TRUST PEOPLE and therefore I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO BRINGING THEM TO ACTIVITIES AND HAVING SITTERS IN THE HOME FOR THEM

The reality is that Westley HAS NO TRUST and therefore he wouldn't do those things. Its clear to me that is because HE himself was a victim of abuse at his parents hands.

NOw his parents BOTH acknowledge that- but EACH claims it was the other. and WESTLEY himself attested to remembering "hundreds of times being spanked"

Maybe he'll wake up and realized that being belted is not a spanking but a beating.

Maybe he'll realize that being BEATEN by your parents HUNDREDS OF TIMES DOES DO SOMETHING TO YOU.

And maybe he'll really get it someday.

So when my brother in law asked "What do you want"

I didn't answer except to say "Right now- NOTHING but not to be mistreated. But I do think there is one thing he should do- Pycotherapy."
My brother in law said "But he can't do it without you.He needs your support"

I said "No- HE HAS to do that without me. He had to really look at himself and he won't be able to have a healthy relationship with me or anyone else until he does that."

And then I said, "And if he wants to talk to me about how its going in a year, I might then be able to listen and be supportive then."

When I was asked "what are you going to do"
I answered honestly "Now? I don't know. But I am not in any rush to decide so I am going to take time to think and figure that out."

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