2006-07-15 - 12:30 a.m.

I just read an e-mail from the marriage counselor Westely and I visited for a long time.

The same one that Westely REFUSED to go to when I asked, and when I had scheduled an appt SABATOGED the whole trip to VA this Spring.

The same one that Westley called this week in his momentary effort.

So the e-mail says he is taking accountability for the actions he took which drove me away.

But I don't really believe that.

Perhaps its the fact he told the postmistress that I am not to use the P.O. Box as HE PAID FOR IT

Perhaps it's the fact that he HAS NOT TURNED ON THE PHONE YET

Perhaps its the fact that he HAS NOT GOTTEN FINANCIAL ASSISTANCE TO US. And it doesn't take a rocket scientist to LISTEN TO THE POSTMISTRESS WHEN SHE SAID "I will give her any of her mail that arrives here" to know that IT IS NOT MY AFFIRMATIVE DUTY TO COMMUNICATE WITH HIS ATTORNEY TO GET THAT BUT THAT HIS ATTORNEY SHOULD BE ASTUTE ENOUGH TO DROP A CHECK IN THE MAIL

Unless of course there is a game of CHESS going on so he REALLY IS STILL trying to uphold the farce of this not being my HOME.

So GOD FORBID HE MAIL A FUCKING CHECK TO US
OR USE FED EX or UPS as that would be just too risky for him as it could then be seen as VALIDATION WE REALLY LIVE HERE TOO....
but what the hell? It is so damn threatening to have YOUR WIFE ACTUALLY LIVE WITH YOU IN YOUR HOME?????

To me, even after all this crap, to be worried about that BECAUSE OF THE FEAR OF HIS BELOVED PROPERTY
MEANS THAT HE REALLY HAS NOT TAKEN ANY ACCOUNTABILITY FOR HIS ACTIONS AND NOR WILL HE BE ABLE TO AT THIS TIME

HE IS JUST AS SELF ABSORBED AND SELF INTERESTED AS ALWAYS

Its a total BS move on his part to not send the check of support or turn on the phone.

Either that or his attorney really is an idiot.

I got calls today saying that there are checks at his attorney's office for me. Well that doesn't seem like they have made any AFFIRMATIVE STEPS TO GET THEM TO ME just by calling others to tell them that! I mean there is such a thing as the post office. And it is NOT MY DUTY but HIS TO FIGURE THAT OUT. I am not spending the last of gas to head out to his attny's office which I already went to expecting that the dude had common sense to have gotten some financial means from him immediately to turn over to me then and there.

I told the attny then I would call him when the phone was turned on.
At which he asked for the number and I immediately thought " YOU FUCKING ASS I KNOW YOU ARE HOPING THAT I CAN'T RECALL IT AND THEN YOU CAN CLAIM I CAN'T REALLY CONSIDER THAT MY HOME IF I DON't EVEN KNOW THE PHONE #"

But I rattled it off as I actually successfully memorized that one in preparation for my job hunting DESPITE NEVER BEING ABLE TO RECALL PHONE NUMBERS! *(THAT IS ANY NUMBERS INCLUDING MY OWN! BUT THE FACT THAT IS THE NORM FOR ME WOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN MENTIONED BUT ONLY EXPLOITED!)

And considering that an asset in the amt of $41,000 was moved into Westely's PERSONAL ACCT on July 10 ...I think I can see VERY CLEARLY WHAT ACCOUNTABILITY WESTELY IS TAKING

OH YES-- HE is taking PERSONAL ACCOUNTABILITY ALL RIGHT

But not in the sense he WANTS the marriage counselor to believe.

He's rather quick to take care of all his "accounts" and I am sure quick to move anything that could be considered marital property ASAP.

HE is just such a game player.
But I guess even though I get impatient with chess and really lose focus so am not very good at it, I CAN BE IF COMPELLED TO PAY ATTENTION.

AND I AM PAYING ATTENTION.

NOT BEING COMPETETIVE BY NATURE I AM USUSALLY NOT COMPELLED, YET WHEN I KNOW THAT SOMEONE IS POSTURING AGAINST ME, MY INSTINCTS KICK IN AND I SEE THEIR MOVES WAY AHEAD OF TIME.

Its one of those skills that I would almost rather not have.

But that's OK, its kind of like when we had those really fun RISK tournaments back in the Autistic Services Days when there was a group of us who regularly played. Once in a while I would get in the game. And I was then damn good at strategy.

But for the most part I didn't want to game play but went to enjoy everyone's company while my roomie competetively took over the world.

The similaritys between my old roommate and Westely here are once again striking.

But my roomie never STRUCK ME he just beat the hell out of me in the game of RISK!
And also baked me the most awesome cakes and threw me the best birthday party I ever had! so I could let him win happily...
but that diversion is so off topic.

IT WAS AN AMAZING CAKE THOUGH THAT HE ACTUALLY SHAPED AND DECORATED TO LOOK LIKE A MUCH SEXIER ME THAN I EVER REALLY WAS IN A RED DRESS MADE OF RED ICING! IT WAS SO ADORABLE!

See the thing is that David actually held me up on a pedastal sometimes in this position of honor. So while he was competetive he was also tender.

(AND GAY) Oh let's not forget that-- Even my PLATONIC FRIENDS and my Will to whom I was Grace (though not as neurotic) Knew how to HONOR me sometimes!

And that has just been MISSING in my relationship with Westley for so long.

THE LOVE PART! THE RESPECT PART THE APPRECHIATION AND LITERALLY TAKING TIME OUT TO DEMONSTRATE HOW I AM SPECIAL

And I really deserve that.

So does WESTELY . So does EVERYONE

I think if someone FEELS THAT LOVED then there can't be room for violence.

SO WHERE THE HELL DID WE GO WRONG IN THE LOSING HOW TO RESPECT, LOVE and HONOR EACH OTHER?

When did it turn into this dysfunctional CHESS GAME?

I think at some level the answer really is WHEN WESTLEY STOPPED BELIEVING In HIMSELF.
WHEN HE STOPPED ACCEPTING HE WAS LOVABLE

and then no longer could really BE LOVING to others. TO me or to the girls.

And I don't know WHY That was so- but
I feel like he just refused to ALLOW us to really love him. He not only stopped truly honoring and apprechiating ME but wouldn't allow me or anyone else to REALLY HONOR AND APPRECHIATE HIM EITHER.

So he is taking personal accountability?
REALLY??

To REALLY DO SO I think Westley would have to SEE HIMSELF AS HAVING NOT ONLY BEEN WRONG, BUT NOT NARCISSICLY LOOKING OUT FOR HIMSELF OUT OF FEAR AND INSECURITY AND NOT REALLY FEELING COMFORTABLE IN HIS OWN SKIN SO ALWAYS HAVING TO PROVE HIMSELF,

But coming into TRUE ACCEPTANCE AND LOVE OF HIMSELF

Not the narcissistic unhealthy kind which is really out of NO SENSE OF SELF other than looking from the outside in - And having to build your ego and fragile self thorough accomplishments that are MEASURABLE and VISIBLE as the self is really only that exterior shell.

BUT A REAL SENSE OF PEACE AND COMFORT WITHIN HIS OWN SKIN without the need to FLAUNT or BOAST OR SEEK VALIDATION FROM ANYONE EXTERNAL.

Without the need of THINGS to feel secure.

Without the need of ME TO FEEL SECURE.

In order for him to really take accountability, I think Westely first has to REDISCOVER WHO HE IS. I think he has to DISCOVER WHO HIS FAMILY IS, and I think he has to CONSCIOUSLY choose to work on the things that have created such pain FOR HIM in HIS LIFE.

I don't feel like I even belong in his picture of figuring that all out. I feel like I am SO ANCILLARY to that big question of "WHO IS WESTELY" which is the real problem that I think he needs to address.

But I think of my old friend MAX who lit into me one day when I asked him if he would accompany me to a yoga class
"That is something you do for yourself!"

And then who gave me a self righout speech that left me stunned and hurt.

And I don't want to come across as callous and self absorbed as MAX did to me then! OR AS SELF RIGHTOUS AND EGOCENTRIC AND EGOTISTICAL as Max was in that moment.

I would LIKE to have been able to have been a support for Westley as he traveled on his personal journey, but HE WOULDN'T LET ME.

I feel like to get an e-mail now asking me to call from our counselor is just so little so late.
TOO LITTLE TOO LATE.

But more than that, I have no trust left.

And that is a horrible place to be.

I just don't trust that it is genuine.
I don't trust that this is anything more than a chess move on his part.

I feel like he is setting up and seeking his grounds of abandonment one way or another. Now I will be emotionally abandoning him if I refuse to go to counseling- RIGHT?

It really is hard to trust when the dominant emotion you feel around someone is FEAR.

So I don't know if I am even going to respond to that e-mail or what I would say if I do call the counselor.

What do I say - "I KNOW YOU WANT TO BELIEVE THIS CAN WORK... I DID TOO.. I bought into the dream of even abuse being able to be overcome by IMAGO THERAPY... AMD WHILE I STILL BELIEVE IT POSSIBLE, I DON'T THINK IT POSSIBLE FOR US!"

I guess I would tell him that at the end of the book LOVING THE SELF ABSORBED it is mentioned that the only therapy recommended that MAY BE HELPFUL is IMAGO THERAPY

And I think I would ALSO HAVE TO TELL HIM THAT I JUST CAN NOT BE HIT OR PUSHED OR SPIT AT OR CURSED AT EVER AGAIN.

EVER

AND that when someone says "I hope you burn in hell" that what is needed is not marital counseling, but intense therapy and likely medication for mental illness.

AND I GUESS I COULD ASK, IS THAT THE KIND OF PERSONAL ACCOUTABILITY WESTELY IS TAKING?

But even if so... it still may be impossible to undo the damage.

And I just don't see what the rewards could possibly be for me or the girls who for the first time IN AGES are not living in fear.

�

�