2006-08-13 - 3:55 p.m.
The following article is interesting to me for a number of reasons. One being that I currently have a PPO with distance from Westley for the next 2 yrs as a result of my calling the police and his having to face that consequence when he pushed me, attempted to throw me out of the house and spit in my face and then on the same night slapped Sadie in the stomach under the excuse of it having been intended as a "spanking" that missed.
Yet here we are and the cycle continued.
What is most difficult is that now WESTELY himself has told me that he is doing this HEALS program on the advice of Ron Clark our Imago Therapist. Westely tells me that he is in therapy with a Psycotherapist and that although he doesn't yet have a diagnosis he has what is called an "abusive dismissive personality".
Westley himself acts contrite, is crying in pain and saying he feels like he awoke from a DREAM STATE where he was so disconnected from reality in his inability to feel emotion that he blocked it all out by anger which he said was explained by his therapist to be the quickest way to evoke intense amounts of endorphins which for him ARE CALMING of his intense anxiety.
He recognizes that he needs to work on his issues. He recognizes the abuse not only instilled by him, but that of his family of origin. He has been talking to them about it with of course resistance on their part. He told me he had to SHOW THEM the criminal complaints and tell them it was TRUE he has been abusive.
I however am at the point where I HAVE LOST My STRENGTH
I don't distrust his DESIRE TO CHANGE
"The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak" is so true of ALL OF US.
Its so difficult as it is SO CLEAR that by ending our marriage that is one way to end the abuse.
TO me , calling the police, getting the safety of a PPO and to file for divorce WOULD BE THE EASY COMFORTING THINGS TO DO.
I hope that if I do so it is indeed though because it is the BEST thing and not because I am acting out of the motivation of FEAR.
I feel like WE WERE at the point where That HAD to be the motivator because of the abuse which strips away even SAFETY and reduces people down to the bottom of MASLOVES triangle.
I think for me the question of whether he could change could only be answered after YEARS OF DEMONSTRATION.
And some say to even SAY THAT makes them scared as they feel that it would be CRAZY to EVER CONSIDER even a possibility of him being able to change.
That is what is so hard. I don't want my choices to be informed because of OTHER'S FEAR nor soley my FEAR but to be made based on a honest acceptance of the REALITY.
AND THE REALITY IS THAT OUR MARRIAGE WAS NOT A MARRIAGE FOR YEARS.
So the FACT of CODIFYING THAT in DIVORCE for me is just putting that in writing and in a real way MAKING HIM ACCEPT ME AS AN EQUAL as in the eyes of a court I WOULD BE AN EQUAL AND THEN TREATED AS SUCH.
THE FACT HE IS BEGGING FOR ME NOT TO DIVORCE HIM makes me more skeptical that he is truly changed in any substanative way.
He says it is because he truly loves me and is appalled at what he is done.
At least he AGREES that the period of separation is ESSENTIAL.
If we can not work through this, it will be that the difference is that at this point I AM THE ONE WHO CAN NOT TRUST HIM.
Because even if he is changed, at this point so am I . And sadly, I am now ALSO someone who has a lack of faith and trust. Something I never really experienced before.
When divorced from my first husband it was most definately due to the fact of needing to do that for the health of our children and MYSELF as at that point I STARTED TO FEEL THE WEIGHT OF IT ALL AND DIDN'T WANT TO BE PULLED INTO DEPRESSION MYSELF. I left because I wasn't strong enough to stay. I left because I was angry and not patient enough and had lost that faith. I left because I didn't believe there was love.
In some ways this is analagous as I also left literally for the same reason of NEEDING TO for health and safety and security of children.
AND ALL MY CHILDREN -- I have to be able to have a healthy relationship with the oldest who now live in Buffalo!