2006-09-16 - 12:40 p.m.
I am enjoying a morning at the library where I had accidentally left a picture disc!
I have lost a few things this week. Most importantly a notebook and a leather brown folder that had documents I intended to bring to the safe deposit box.
I stopped taking my Adderall last week after an incredibly unusually and bad day in which I felt SO STRANGE
I am now reading about side effects to see if that could have been a result of the medication being taken while under stress and then FORGETTING to eat well due to the side effect of APPETITE LOSS.
I most definately have my NORMAL healthy and hearty appetite back since not taking it! It is NICE to feel pangs of hunger and even the lightheadedness of low sugar if I get caught up and forget to eat!
The catch 22 is that I FUNCTION SO MUCH BETTER when medicated and when NOT UNDER STRESS don't really have a problem with eating normal healthy meals as I routinely prepare and serve them to the whole family. So I EAT even when not hungry when taking the medicine.
Now the catch 22 is that I can TELL the huge difference when not on the medicine. I am so much more disorganized. But the reaction I had that day- Sept 7th to be exact WAS SO BAD that it was enough to make me stop it.
Now the most scary thing is that on that day I SWORE I was drugged.
I had the experience of BEING FOLLOWED by a WHITE VAN all that morn. Now it could have been an intentional CAMPAIGN by Westely to MAKE ME THINK that I was just being PARANOID as it is in HIS INTEREST if I am not at my best (as in the ADD state of disorganization)
So I am afraid he intentionally did hire someone to trail me and then when I told him of this he talked of PARANOIA being a side effect so I would stop my medicine.
I STOPPED it however because I SUSPECTED it was tampered with.
So that is my real fear, that I was manipulated into stopping it as I HAD to at that point because :
The significant thing is that BAD DAY was THE DAY BEFORE THE FIRST COURT EVENT which was on SEPT 8th- THE SETTING OF THE TRIAL DATE FOR WESTELY's APPEAL of the PPO.
So I think there WAS an intentional campaign to try to intimidate and freak me out PERHAPS in a very LITERAL manner that date!
I don't feel like it worked EVEN if a bit more disorganized. I can go to a DR here and get a new prescription. I can continue my EFFECTIVE treatment with a new bottle I KEEP ON MY PERSON so it can't be tampered with. I can REMEMBER TO EAT WELL so it can not have a bad effect for my body weight.
IT IS EASIER TO REMEMBER TO EAT WELL THAN TO LIVE WITH A DISORGANIZED STATE AND THEN TRY TO REMEMBER WHERE I LEFT EACH LOST ITEM... ETC....
I have some good habits I KEEP when treated. They help WHEN I DO them without the medicine.
MOSt of all though, this week I had a few scary driving moments. I most obviousnly notice a positive effect of my treatment when driving!
That makes me know that for my safetly and that of others I need to keep treatment consistent.
The fact I threw out the bottle of remaining pills is not great as either I WAS PARANOID or I WAS DRUGGED.
The thing is that I had transferred some pills to a small different bottle and had been using those ever since I traveled to Buffalo and FORGOT my medicine and noticed the effect. On Sept 7th it was the first time I ran out of the pills in the smaller bottle and took some from the larger ADDERALL bottle that had a full supply in it for three months. So it COULD have been tampered with on one of the MANY occassions I came home to evidence of entry into my home.
The day of the horriffic experience (which some day I might write of... it was truly both a physical and mental one in which I WOULD have been hospitalized had I sought medical help! Knowing it never happened BEFORE and knowing it seemed unusual for my NORMAL MENTAL HEALTH I chose to instead drop the kids off with a friend to sit for me and then visited another friend A PROFESSIONAL NANNY when I felt well enough AND HIRED HER!!)
So I HAVE A NANNY!!! YAH!!! And I will do what I can to pay her!
The job of watching a friend's dogs covered this week. THE SUPER NANNY took the job thankfully KNOWING I had $ for the short term and can assure temp work for a few weeks but knows we both need to secure income ME TO PAY HER and HER TO GET A STABLE FULL TIME POSITION. So if she gets a better offer before I get income to employ her long term I will lose her--
SUPER NANNY was on duty THU and Friday and the girls SO BENEFFITTED from her!
That one on one nurturing PHYSICAL time which I need to provide (and it is something I need to PLAN AND DO as not in my natural nature!) was SO GOOD.
So the girls had their emotional needs met BETTER than when I am with them alone.
And to top it off I had TWO JOB interviews in two days.
So much more to write of.
Interestingly some things that are missing are RELATED to that....
So it COULD BE ADD or it could be a result of intentionally TAKING THINGS FROM ME That they are missing.
My journal with all legal notes
In any case the last place I RECALL the folder those were in and the notebook being WERE IN MY CAR that I WAS NEVER GIVEN THE ELECTRONIC KEY BACK FOR.
Westely said "IT was broken, don't you remember"
YES WESTELY I DO REMEMBER VERY CLEARLY THAT IT WAS NOT BROKEN BUT YOU BORROWED IT WHEN YOU WERE DRIVING THE CAR ALL WINTER IN VA!!! AND I RECALL STATING AT THE TIME I DID NOT WANT YOU TO HAVE IT BUT YOU TOOK IT ANYWAY
I REMEMBER VERY CLEARLY.... you said "You don't need it. I am using the car. I won't lose it- I don't lose things"
I RECALL dumping my folder and envelope and notebook OUT OF THE BLACK diaper bag I was using to hold them, and then taking the diaper and wipes and adding some clothes and giving it to my friend along with the kids when she was watching them for me. AND THE IMPORTANT THINGS WERE LEFT IN MY CAR.
Upon cleaning out my car after being home one day (As I always do) they were not there.
This is also likely well designed so I can be the irresponsible parent not meeting needs of kids.
BUT its really not that important as UNLESS the kids disappear, it will not be effective.
My only other fear is that the certificates could be used for someone to take off with the children. And Westley as FAther can get his own, so unless they were taken BY SOMEONE ELSE I don't think it is a big deal they are gone as I can get new copies from RICHMOND, VA within days if I need them for any children's activities. And the two oldest are already enrolled in school.
I think it more likely they were taken ALONG with the other DESIRED item of my notebook.
It it is likely because I OVERTLY was writing down the plate #s of those following me and after observing one woman WATCHING Me and the girls and then jotting notes I circled around and came up BEHIND her car and looked in and READ her notes!
HAD I NOT READ HER NOTES SO CLEARLY I THINK THEN MAYBE I COULD HAVE BEEN PARANOID AND MIGHT FEEL BADLY THAT WHEN I DROVE BY A FEW MOMENTS LATER SHE WAS CRYING AND COVERED HER FACE AS MY CAR WENT BY SO I COULDN'T SEE HER
But I read those notes.... and I guess I am as adept at spying as any of those who were hired to stalk me. I really did feel a bit bad for the poor lady.
I in fact had been waving to the white van at every opportunity and the driver did think it funny too (even if our marraige counselor who I went to talk to thought it was in my head!)
I felt vindicated though as when I went to the PPO Violation hearing I BROUGHT IN MY WHOLE DAMN PHONE SYSTEM and the DA SAW the call log of WESTELY CALLING ME EVERY TWO TO THREE MINUTES !!!
So she knew I was not IMAGINING being stalked!
My phone handsets also had disappeared-
BUT WESTELY did not control the compulsion to call on the 11th and 12th so I had the NEWEST obsessive calls to show the DA.
AND IT STOPPED now that he is aware it was SHOWN to someone!
HE did have some paper indicating he ordered a phone on JULY 7th, so there was no other evidence and it would have been in his favor as him having fulfilled his order to turn on the phone EVEN THOUGH ANYONE CAN TYPE IN AN ORDER AND THEN PRINT IT BUT THEN NOT FOLLOW THROUGH WITH REALLY PLACING IT.
EVEN THOUGH VERIZON TOLD ME the order was placed July 24, not July 7th.
So I agreed to drop that case rather than waste the courts time. BUT BEFORE DOING SO I got to tell the DA of all the OTHER ACTIONABLE things he has done to STALK me. And she has heard it all before. The thing is EACH CASE is only about the things ON THE DOCKET AT THE TIME.
AND THIS IS THE IMPORTANT THING:
That was really the desired outcome of filing the PPO VIOLATION
TO MAKE THE STALKING BEHAVIOR STOP
I think I achieved that.
Library time up.