2006-11-15 - 11:49 a.m.

My name is Maureen Blake.

I Want to take ownership of this diary as my TRUE PERSONAL ACCOUNT of my struggles as a wife who deeply loves my husband who has abused both me and my children, and most of all, has harmed himself at each act more than anyone else.

I want to take personal ownership of the fact that I AM NOT ASHAMED of either having LOVED and still loving this man who I now MUST DIVORCE in order to have any protection and assurance of my own, and my children's, personal integrity and safety and stability.

I do this because I WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW that IT IS NOT JURISPRUDENCE when a CASE IS DISMISSED within 5 minutes of its scheduled time on the grounds of a RESPONDENT NOT SHOWING UP, when the RESPONDENT HAD AN ATTORNEY THERE AS HER REPRESENTATIVE (and then walks in at 9:08 AM!)

I WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW THAT IT IS NOT JURISPRUDENCE WHEN AN APPEAL IS MADE TO A PPO THAT A JUDGE ORDERED, and then as I Was told today THE PPO WILL BE THROWN OUT as the LOUDOUN COUNTY CIRCUIT COURT JUDGE WHO I WAS TOLD DISMISSED THE CASE seems to believe that being late jutifies not being offered protection against violence.

I WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW that SOME ABUSERS CAN OVERCOME THIER MALADAPTIVE PAST, AND SOME CAN PRETEND TO.

I WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW THAT AS DR. STOSNEY SAID IN A PHONE MESSAGE TO ME "Doing well in a class is just that. It is not any guarantee that behavior will be changed. That can only be know within the context of the relationship."

I WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW THAT IS PRECISELY WHY I HOPED TO HAVE A PROTECTIVE ORDER AND TIME TO DISCERN WHILE SEPERATED WHETHER TO EVEN CONSIDER THE POSSIBILITY OF CONTINUING THE RELATIONSHIP TO ALLOW MY FAITH AND BELIEF IN NOT ONLY MY HUSBAND'S CAPACITY FOR GROWTH AND CHANGE, BUT MY BELIEF THAT THE INHERENT GOODNESS OF MAN OURSELVES AS SENTIENT AND GRACE FILLED SOULS OF GOD'S CREATION THAT CAN REASON AND MAKE JUDGMENTS BASED NOT ONLY ON ANIMAL NATURE, BUT OUR WILLS AND THE HELP OF A HIGHER POWER AND GRANTED GOD'S REDEMTIVE GIFT

I WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW THAT I RECEIVED VERY LITTLE SUPPORT IN THAT DECISION. I WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW THAT MANY THOUGHT ME CRAZY FOR NOT HAVING FILED FOR DIVORCE IMMEDIATELY, AND OTHERS MINIMIZED THE ABUSE. I WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW THAT BOTH RESPONSES SEEM UNBALANCED TO ME AND BASED ON FEAR.

ONE IS BASED ON ONLY FEAR OF HARM AND EXCLUSION OF ALL THE OTHER ASPECTS OF OUR HUMANNESS, including denial of grace and spirituality of man being able to overcome sin.

I WANTED TO BE OPEN TO THAT POSSIBILITY OF REDEMTIVE GRACE

The other response is based on FEAR OF ACTUALLY FACING THE REALITY OF ABUSE as if it is acknowledged in MY RELATIONSHIP, it would then mean those individuals must question the integrity of THEIR RELATIONSHIPS which is too painful for them.

THIS I BELIEVE, that it is our FAITH which both heals and at times can be our greatest cross itself. IT is deep FAITH AND BELIEF and TRUST in THE CORE VALUES OF GOODNESS AND FORGIVENESS AND LOVE BEING REDEMPTIVE Which allows us to overcome adversity and pain, and yet as a double edged sword at times paradoxically makes us vulnerable and easy targets for those who in their weakness take advantage of this. Our gretest strength can at times be exploited into our greatest weakness.

YET THIS I BELIEVE, EVEN IF VULNERABLE, I MUST REMAIN TRUE TO MY SELF AND MY VALUES:

WE ARE SPECIAL
EACH ONE OF US
AND AS SUCH WE CAN GROW
WE CAN HEAL
WE CAN FORGIVE
AND WE CAN STOP ABUSE CYCLES

BUT THIS TOO I BELIEVE

THAT DREAM OF MINE CAN NOT BECOME A REALITY WITHOUT FIRST ENSURING SAFETY AND SECURTIY AND ALLOWING THAT POSSIBILITY TO EXIST WITH SUPPORT OF COMMUNITIES THAT NONJUDGEMENTALLY PROTECT AND DON'T DENY WHEN WHAT IS ABUSE IS NAMED AS SUCH.

I WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW THAT THIS I ALSO BELEIVE:

AS INDIVIDUALS AND AS A SOCIETY, WE ARE NOT WELL DEVELOPED ENOUGH TO BE ABLE TO HANDLE THAT GROWTH IN THIS AREA YET.

SO THIS I BELIEVE

WE HAVE A CRISIS OF SOCIETY. AS A SOCIETY WE SPEAK IN THEORY OF WISHING TO STOP ABUSE, YET IN REALITY WE ARE NOT STRONG ENOUGH AS INDIVIDUALS OR AS A COMMUNITY TO TRULY STAND UP AND PUBLICALLY NAME IT.

WHEN ONE DOES SO, THEY ARE MORE ISOLATED THAN EVER.

THIS I BELIEVE, ALL THE TALK WILL NOT CHANGE A THING UNTIL PEOPLE ARE NOT ASHAMED TO ACKNOWLEDGE AND DISCUSS THESE ISSUES-- NAME THEM and FACE THEM without either fear or shame or judgement.

AND THIS I BELIEVE

I WAS THE ONE WHO STOOD IN JUDGEMENT TODAY.

I've stood in judgement for a long time. NOT because I have not been believed, not because I have not had adequate compelling evidence, not because what I have tried to address is not true or credible: but because I have NAMED IT: DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ABUSE

And when I did so it made everyone cringe, because at SOME LEVEL, to acknowledge the issues that I NAMED made THEM UNCOMFORTABLE as to do so would make them question themselves.

Which is why when we believe it was an injustice that the LOUDOUN Board of supervisors opposed our expansion, people wrote letters. When it was a clear injustice that my children who live in Buffalo were taken from our family system, even though it was one of dysfunction, people could write letters of support as OUR DYSFUNCTION was so SIMILAR to that which so many struggle with that they could DEFEND it as not worthy of breaking up a family system, but when in that system it became clear that OUR DYSFUNCTION WAS NOT HEALTHY AND WAS NOT CHANGING AND THAT REMAINING IN IT WAS NO LONGER AN OPTION FOR ME: NO ONE SHOWED UP AS A WITNESS ON MY BEHALF

Because to do that is NAMING IT ABUSE.
AND TO NAME IT makes us all feel that mush more vulnerable- as it PERSONALIZES the act of SPEAKING OUT IN THEORY into one of SPEAKING OUT AGAINST A PARTICULAR INDIVIDUAL

And that is the fatal flaw. THAT IN ORDER TO PROTECT one has to NAME ABUSE and it is seen as an ATTACK of an individual, and most often ATTACK of the very individual who is likely most pained by this all: as the abuser him or herself is likely the greatest victim of all. Yet we lack that capacity to empathetically call for responsibility for actions and accountability without demonizing. Since we don't want to demonize, we then don't follow through on demanding responsibility and accountability

And THIS I KNOW That what then falls out of reach is the dream. What falls out of the realm of possibility is redemption-- as when accountability IS ACHIEVED it is only when DEMONIZING is also undertaken, because we as a society can'd acknowledge that there is anything similar to OURSELVES in those who we have called abusers.

YET I THINK fundamentally this is a flaw. I think fundamentally the abuser is one who has become DISCONNECTED from society-

AND WHY?

I feel that disconnection and see the scary realtity-
THIS I BELIEVE, THE DISCONNECT WAS NOT ONLY FROM THEMSELVES BEING A VICTIM, BUT MOST POIGNIGNT IF AT SOME POINT THAT VICTIM NAMED THE ABUSE AND ATTEMPTED TO STOP ITS CYCLE.

SO THIS I BELIEVE:
THE CYCLE OF ABUSE IS NOT ONLY ONE OF INDIVIDUALS, BUT ONE THAT SOCIETY TOO PLAYS A HAND IN.

NOT BECAUSE WE WANT TO SANCTION IT, BUT BECAUSE IN OUR HUMAN CONDITION WE ARE NOT CAPABLE OF EFFECTIVELY SUPPORTING AND ADDRESSING IT DUE TO OUR OWN WEAKNESSES WHICH WE VUNLNERABLY TRY TO PREVENT BEING EXPOSED.

So I continue to write and continue to seek connection and support of any commmunity who will offer it.

FOR THAT IS WHAT PREVENTS A VICTIM FROM BECOMING AN ANGRY PURPETRATOR. THAT IS WHAT ALLOWS FOR GRACE AND HEALING, WHEN OTHERS ARE AVAILABLE TO BE CONDUITS FOR OUR OWN REDEMPTIVE PROCESS.

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