2006-12-23 - 11:49 p.m.
I am at the point of being too tired to continue re-typing a boring document into a Word file. I have strong "de je vu" This is reminiscent of writing overdue papers days before Christmas in my college dorm.
The difference is that while living on loans that are rather equivalent, I am not now in a room the size of a box, and am supporting a family of five eating something other than mac and cheese made with leftover half and half creamer containers collected off tables after waitressing which would otherwise have been thrown out. So I am actually feeling pretty good when I also consider that then I didn't yet have my undergrad degree, and now I at least have my JD.
The real problem is that this is a distraction from the studying that I should be doing. Completing my interrogatories is not going to help me learn a darn thing that will be useful for the BAR.
Similarly though to college, I am going batty here trying to focus and still finding means of procrastination to prevent from dozing in the hope of keeping stimulated enough to get through this boring tedious task.
I took a drive intending to pick up pictures of the girls that were ready today. I planned another errand around when these would be ready. I got that other thing accomplished, but returned home having FORGOTTEN about the main reason for heading out! Im annoyed as I intended on giving them to Westley for Christmas and now I don't know if I can get them tommorrow. I always got pictures of Soren and Katerina for their Dad when they lived with me, and likewise I thought Westely would really like a nice picture of each of our girls.
The de ja vu was startling when driving this afternoon. The sun seemed to just be glaring, and everything seemed just so ACUTE. When taking photos back in the manual camera days when I actually used to take ALOT of photos I almost always used a diffuser filter to soften images. My perspective of the world is akin to having had that diffuser taken suddenly away.
Everything is just glaring and dizzying.
So I then remembered that I ordered a supplement from a health food store. That was what I achieved when I drove out to Sterling today. I went to Sterling over a month ago now to find this, and it had to be special ordered.
My health insurance had been cut off, and then it was turned back on- however none of the Drs I have called have yet called me back so I haven't yet seen one here.
I have gotten by the past few months with half my prescribed dose of Adderall,and taking it when I most needed it. However after a few moments when I knew I really needed it (as when driving) I deceided to just try to be consistent in taking the half dose once my insurance was active again a few weeks ago. I figured I would get into a Dr. within a few weeks.
Well that didn't happen.
And frankly, as I now sit here and look at the "piles" of papers surrounding me, I can recall the description of Halloway in Driven to Distraction of an ADHD person's so called organizational attempts and I don't know if I should laugh or cry!
I can recall the words of his writing, but can't recall what is in each of these piles surrounding me...
So today I have done alot of dancing... I have to get up and move.
I wanted to get this project done and then go out dancing somewhere. The problem is that I am NOT DONE and I have NO IDEA where to go.
How I wish I could have an amazing dance partner materialize out of thin air, dance with me, not speak AT ALL.. just take me to that place of "flow" while he leads and I don't have to think at all... and then just as quickly disappear so I can get back to work.
Ah....I swear my brain is more masculine than feminine sometimes.
I had such the ideal parter in college. JP was his name and he was a fantastic dancer. We hit every formal the campus offered (usually first picking up a burger at Fuddruckers for $5 while all decked out rather than actually buy a ticket for the formal meal. We's show up for the dancing.) To be fair we did hang out and chat, but just as often we just danced. It was one of the best platonic relationships I have ever had.
So recently when I went out dancing,with every intention of enjoying the company of my girl friend and our "bodyguard" as we joked of her oldest guy friend who is like her brother, who thankfully saved us from creepy guys and allowed us to enjoy dancing and each other's company, I was totally taken by surprise when an amazing rhythmic Latin beat started playing and out of nowhere this attractive man offered to dance, and lo and behold- HE COULD DANCE.
I was taken to another plane, literally transported mentally into the most amazing, relaxed , peaceful state. It's almost hard to articulate, but if you dance I think it is understandable. I was in that creative "flow" state of not being at all self consious as there I was allowing my dance partner to lead.
But then he ruined it by talking. He kept saying "Ask me a question" so I did.
Then I answered his as well. And I made it crystal clear I am not available for any sort of relationship. I set the boundry in a healthy way (considering where I am at!) So the guy very insistantly gives me his card and emphatically says "Call me."
I then thought that he was such a marvelous dancer and I was SO GRATEFUL for the few moments of his leading, that I thought I would just send a thank you note. SO I did so, to the address I had on his card.
But then later I thought about it and realized that was a totally not cool thing to do as I hadn't furnished a return address, or a #, and I thought I might find it disconcerting to get a card from someone without any contact information to respond to! I thuoght it was a bit TOO controlling of me- and not necessary to be SO afraid of making a friend.
So I deceided to send one more quick postcard one day which included my contact info, and thought I shouldn't be SO AFRAID to make a friend.
For me, who had no discipline as a dancer, no training and developed skill I can't really achieve that state of "flow" when dancing alone. If your an athlete of any sort I think this can be understood. You need a certain amount of skill and training to really achieve that freedom. It's true of music and writing and any creative endeavour. One way to get there is to regularly persue the art, which can be done as a solitary activity to an extent. However, even writers need critics if they ever hope to be any good!
So then, despite my saying I wouldn't call, and then in fact trying NOT to call but to be polite in writing to open a door to a healthy platonic friendship down the road, I then did call the dancer.
I did so when my brothers were visiting as then I felt comfortable with the safety of them around just in case he was a creep and disingenuous in his attesting that he too just goes out to dance and is not looking for anything more. As he ih fact danced professionally for about 10 years I believed and trusted that. He also has taught and that was apparent, and also a reason I was comfortable dancing with him as he did not give off any of those vibes of being there for any reason other than his desire to dance- much for the same reason as me, to relax and remain healthy in daily life!
Now the strange thing is that this guy initally gave me his work card. I ALMOST NEVER make personal calls to anyone when they are working, nor do I make personal calls from work EVER.
SO I was REALLY not comfortable calling him at work. I had called his home number as it was listed and left a message and he had called me back and we called vice versa a few times.
So he had said he was a bit taken aback that I called the home # initally. I was also a bit pleasantly surprised he called me back and thought it cool he seemed open to a friendship on my terms of what I am willing and can offer at this time. I think there was a bit of testing the waters so to speak, of firting and seeing just where those boundrys lie- but I made it really clear.
I just so apprechiated what he had to offer me as a dance partner! I just want to dance.
He however suprisingly encouraged me to feel free to talk about anything, and seemed open, and said to call him at work if I ever needed someone to talk to.
So one day, when particularlly upset I did call.I had NO INTENTION of even telling him what I was upset about. I didn't want to talk about it. But I just was in a spot I am rarely in. I really so rarely get very upset and am pretty emotionally even keel. But at that point I was not.
I should have called my mother.
HE gave unsolicited "advice" that I was so insulted at that I totally deflected my anger and upset mood and lost it.
I swear I never lose it.
And I did that day on the phone as I didn't get the empathetic friend answering I hoped for. Or if I did, I didn't HEAR a friend.
I got one last message from him that was sweetly left with what I see as a sign of character. He can't be involved in my life now which is what I was also trying to say! My problem was that when I intentionally called at times I didn't expect him to be home to leave that message he answered the phone and was so sweet I just thought maybe I COULD handle this friendship.
I don't want, and can not have involvement with any man at this point in my life.
Thank God one of us finally got a message left without the other being there to mess it up.
And as for him, he is looking for a dance partner to competetively dance with and I hope he finds her.
But oh boy, if only I could whip up a dance partner out of thin air for during my study breaks.... if he could just show up with the music and the moves and take me to that state of flow then leave me without speaking so much as one word.
That's my fantasy.... the dream dancer teaching me Salsa and the Tango in my red dress in my living room...
In completing applications that consistently ask for grades and rank, it can't help my job hunt when those are left BLANK.
Now it may not be the most important thing on anyone's resume, but if it's a weed out tool for pre-filtering resumes EVER, well there are then likely at least a few jobs for which I haven't been in the pool of considered applicants because of that silly non grading system.
So I came on line upon finding my so called "grades" from law school in order to try to interpert them and figure out what their equivalent would be in the real world. (This is the stuff of ADHD, going off on tangents of other things in the middle of doing something else-- because if I don't follow up on the tangental activity it might NEVER be done)
I came across this article
My favorite part of the article is
"And, the faculty decided to replace the H/Q grading system with a new system that uses more conventional A/B/C grades.
We, of course, have many of our alumni/ae to thank for supporting these developments at the Law School. "