2006-12-25 - 3:36 p.m.
I was a bit shocked that Westley called this AM to say Merry Christmas and responded to what I wrote just this AM.
I am so used to writing in this forum out of habit, and for so long no one read this site. I have the stats of consistent hits per day of ZERO.
When he first brought up this site I thought it was merely another tactic to attack and thwart me being me.
I thought no one reads it and who the hell cares anyway? I mean how self centered to even worry what someone thinks of my personal forum? This is such stream of consious rambling that I can't even imagine anyone reading for more than a moment!
And who the heck would ever actualy figure out the identity of all the psudonames?
I guess I never really considered him being hurt by my writing immensely. He must see it as a personal attack. I saw it as a method of dealing with stuff and working through issues at times I had the need and no one to talk to.
But today I heard it said from a husband's perspective just how important it is to feel like your wife honors you.
And it was pointed out that only passionate emotion can elicite a passionate response.
Only when one is touched deeply can they be so hurt. If we truly don't care about someone we don't care about what they think..
Andit made me realize that perhaps I have instilled a hurt as deep as that I have felt. I think I have not been compassionate or aware of that.
Writers do tend to be self absorbed and at the same time just let go of ego so totally in such a juxtaposition of not being at all self consious when in that "flow zone"
Yet it a liability that we write of what we know or want to know. We write as the cathartic act of our own growth and in seeking undertanding. Yet we have to be respectful of thos in our lives we inevitable represent whether we mean to or not. The disclaimer "all people in this work are fictional ... etc" goes only so far when used.
It a challenge to love a writer.
A greater challenge to have a love of a jounaler.
Perhaps that's why I have such difficulty with trust now- because I can't really fathom that someone who had trouble of letting go of past transgressions could ever really forgive this exposure.
I came across something i wrote years ago about how I was not disciplined in writing every day. I wrote how my poetry and music of life was in my creations- the birthed fruit of my labour, of our labor, which manifested itself in clanging of dishes, and banging of pots with a wooden spoon and of giggles and crys when a knee was skinned. I wrote that was my poetry, and as I only spun words to weave into poetry when I wasn't so busy living an enriched life- it was OK I had no other artistic work at that time.
I wrote with joy then of how I could allow those gifts to lay dormant until my children learned what their unique gifts are.
That has to be my focus.
I have written here out of a need to nuture myself back to that heathy state of strength when one can joyfully embrace the beauty of letting their gifts be used to help others actualize their potential.
One can't do that if they have not been nurtured and healty and have been thwarted.
I feel like I am at a point I haven't this compelling need, but rather this HABIT of writing regularly.
NOw I have a need to find a new forum for this talent and habit as I never intended to hurt anyone, most expecially Westley whom I have loved and at some level still do.
He is still my husband. I am still his wife.
Although I am not a fundamentalist, I do thing it sage advice that men and women NEED different things in relatinships and we are called to meet those needs
Husbands love your wifes
And the hits on my stats have been ZERO consistemtly.
But he has found it and that makes me think that regardless of whether ether of us love each other, we both do have a duty to respect and honor each other in any way we can.
For a long time I thought I WAS Honoring him and marriage in general by my openness and honesty at loving and trying to work through our issues. I felt I was creatingsomething that IF FOUND would be one of the only thing anyone woudl find out there in the world thqat SUPPORTS the notion that abuse can be overcome. I believed that grace and redemtion and the power of love are stronger than anything else.
At some point I lost faith.
ANd only today did I realize that no matter how many times I TALKED of those VALUES, by writing only when upset and not writing when happy with Westley I have not ACTUALIED love in my relationshp with him!That action of writing had been the antithesis of what I was seeking, and I realize that at some level that is not much different than the violence of one who really wants nothing moreso than to love and connect but in their deep passion and anxiety in seeking that pushes the other away in the most volitile painful way.
At some level to dishonor a man is akin to hitting a woman. Both hurt so deeply, and I think I realize that this relationship is so damaged not only by Westely but by what I hd to turn to for my own self preservation and health. To ask which occurred first is like asking the old adage "chicken or egg?"
Its really amazing how much of this is gender stuff! Ina healthy way women chat and get crap off their chests and then go home and do honor and love their husbands. To do so in this forum is not akin, although I have such a comfort with it I have FELT like it is and TREATED it like such.
I therefore am going to take at least a hiatus from this site as my therapy. I think depite all I owe Westely that last act of honor if it can even be pathetically called such. It seems like a poor flippant choice of word as I really think this has dishonored him in a truly painfu way and I have not seen that in my own pain. I couldn't see him when stuggling for my sense of self that was so crushed.
I am sorry.
I am going to lock this soon, but leave it here long enough for him to read this last entry.
ONe last thing though-- I have in my convresations acknowledged the good that had been in our relationship. I don't allow anyone to only focus on the negative- even me. Where there has been passionate anger there has also been the flip side of passionate love. The ying/yang of this all.
When one gentleman did ask me of my lfe and of my husband and I spoke he said in response "Now don't get nostalgis" when I said "He is a brilliant, dedicated, loyal and organized and very committed man. In many ways I have learned much from him and have grown"
When he said "Now don't get notalogic I replied
Husbands love your wifes. Wifes honor your husbands.
Regardless of whether we ever love each other again, I can at least not dishonor.