2007-01-07 - 2:11 p.m.
Taking a deep breath and I SHOULD TURN OFF NPR.
I have been having a GREAT weekend. I have been FOCUSED, getting studying done. Took breaks in ADHD fashion of cleaning up my desk sporadically, called an old friend accidentally. The # I found on a scrap to be thrown out was hers! I called it thinking it was someone else just to leave a quick THANK YOU to someone who helped me PROFESSIONALLY thinking it was their work voicemail, and instead it was her! (They have the same area code at least!)
IT was great to connect as I left her a cryptic message some months ago and she said "OH THAT WAS YOU! I don't think you said your NAME!" TYPICAL
My relaxation was just thrown. My focus was thrown.
The kicker for me is hearing the question of "When was the mob at its strongest?"
Next they interviewed an expert on the MOB and OPGANIZED LABOR UNIONS....
He was persuing me concurrant with when Westley did.
OR was it AGAIN another example of how I am perversely and consistently attracted to only these horrible choices of men?
Hearing the report that then came on about the MOB and Union connection totally cracked me up. Its just weird as I haven't thought of these things in YEARS.
But in my analysis of my life relationships someone said something about the MOB wives that end up over and over in the same boat, and when they said it I was a bit freaked as I literally moved back up to BUFFALO NY after college to have the self control to NOT continue to date a guy who DID treat me like a princess and so wonderful , but who I figured out in the end would be bound by family code.
It was a hard thing to have that best friend - the guy who I said I didn't want to date, so we were just "friends" yet we ended up best of friends that spent all our time together. My brother mentioned when talking to him how that is how his significant relationships naturally evolved over time....
So the airing of the report now is just a HUGE distraction I am writing of in order to get it off my chest. WHEW... the tension is totally being relieved for me just by this writing. Thus the reason I do this.
It's just weird as I thought of that relationship for other reasons this weekend as well. I talked with a friend of it (and I haven't spoken or written about it in years either. It is likely I NEVER mentioned it here- but heck apparently the MOB was so strong in NYC in the 80s I feel like it doesn't matter now for me to mention this.)
ITs irritating but I now am TOTALLY interested in continuing to listen to the report on RICO, in particular as I know a lawyer,politician here in the our neighborhood so to speak who was one of the first to successfully litigate on that basis against the MOB as a prosecuter, and in fact was involved in its formation.
Damn, this is just too interesting of a topic and it of course would never be on the BAR exam.
What I find most fascinating is the discussion of RICOs formation and how they crafted it such that it wouldn't be used against ANTI WAR demonstrators, yet interestingly to me is how it was in fact applied against Operation Rescue . I am not sure that will be mentioned but from the Constituitional LAw prespective that is a fascinating question... ah ha... that is where they are headed now in the interview..
WHEW.... Con law issues do not make my heart feel like it is being pulled up my chest and like my breath is being squashed with its swelling like mention of the MOB in the eightys in NY does...
AHH... and the report ended. Thank GOD. I should have just turned off the radio but didn't.
A HUGE sigh of relief... when I turned it on a while ago it was the innocuous PRARIE HOME COMPANION.
It's safe for me to head back to the kitchen for the next step in bread baking. The yeast has proofed and I have mixed the flour. Time to knead. That physical effort with my hands will be soothing and then I can hopefully FOCUS on the VA LAW site I intended on visiting when I turned this internet connection on this afternoon!
To the bread and boring but necessary study!
SELF DISCIPLINE is what I am practicing most of all in relation to actually sitting still long enough to really study. Turning off the radio will now be a big step....I find that if I write I am going to do something it give me greater accountability and incentive JUST IN CASE someone ever asks! (That would be my big bro the one person who actually reads this now! OOPS the knowlege I locked this just was recalled. DARN IT. I don't want EVERYONE to have access, but a few select folks like my good friend and my brothers is a great tool for both safety and connection and ACCOUNTABILITY. I am TOTALLY STILL PROCRASTINATING....TIME TO STOP and instead of TALK about what I am going to do, just do it. A friend said that to me just this Fri evening. I am thankful for that challenge that was posed in the question of a fear that I would not follow through. It was pointed out I TALK of study, and then asked "HOW MUCH HAVE YOU ACTUALLY DONE?"
That comes from someone who said they can't be my friend as they have nothing to offer me. That comes from someone who said they shouldn't be my friend as my life is not stable, and they feel nor it theirs. That's OK they don't have to offer anything more than what they already have: the honest assessment with integrity they gave and the kick in the butt of that challenge for me to not TALK about what I need to do but really DO IT.
I am grateful for the honest exposure that I really DO talk about goals but then not have the discipline to follow through. Much of the success I have had has been on absolute talent and ability without the sustained effort- but those moments of brillance that carry me. It's the sustained disciplined effort that I have not learned and need to be grown up enough to just DO.
I am learning to be at peace with that which is BORING. Its an important thing- to be able to do the uninteresting and boring. I have great respect for those who do that. Especially those like my college roommate who had the wisdom to recognize that in her relationships stable and boring men are those she will be happiest with! She and her hubby DO have romance and friendship and a HEALTHY model of marriage. Its exemplary. She had the wisdom to not persue those other more passionate options and develop the REAL thing. LOVE IS A COMMITMENT, LOVE IS A CHOICE
Similar to that... we have to each LOVE OURSELVES to be COMMITED TO OURSELVES to do the hard work of self development to later reap the rewards EVEN WHEN IT IS MUNDANE AND BORING.
YET WHEN IT COMES TO ACTUALLY STUDYING FOR MY OWN GOAL IT IS SO DAMN HARD.
I realize that is because it is something I WANT
Fundamentally I am more motivated to meet OTHER'S needs.
So I have to realize that SELF DISCIPLINE is a form of SELF LOVE.
We should all love ourselves enough to believe in our own potential for success.
The only real love is that of action.
So for me to really be all I can be I have to LOVE MYSELF. To do so most fully now requires I believe I AM WORTHY OF THE SPACE AND FOCUS OF STUDY FOR MY OWN GOAL.
That is what I need to truly believe in order to be a self disciplined and therefore a self actualized person.
I deserve this success.
The only way to achieve it is for me to WORK in a disciplined manner.
And I do deserve to come first right now in this moment.
JUST DO IT.