2007-03-24 - 4:19 a.m.
I am still awake.
I didn't go to sleep tonight.
I wondered at one point if there could be a possibility my not falling asleep at a reasonable hour could be a side effect of my ADHD medication.
Now I know that has nothing to do with it.
I haven't taken it for days now, since Tue in fact. That was the day I went to fill my prescription and confirmed that my insurance was cancelled again.
Its $150.00 to fill the prescription without insurance. Not a priority just now as other needs have to come first.
In part I am just still used to that night schedule from working the night shift on Fri and Mon nights for about a year.
But in part I HAVE INSOMNIA.
I am not obsessing or worrying about anything. I actually really enjoyed reading a wonderful book tonight.
I enjoyed chatting with a few friends as well.
And then I did the dumb thing of internet surfing-- stupidly!
I read a HUMAN RIGHTS WATCH REPORT on the conditions of prisons and in particular on the issue of children being incarcerated in adult facilities. Very interesting. What struck me most of all was the comment that in isolation HEALTHY ADULTS experience sensory deprivation which results in psycosis! The effects of such sensory deprivation are greater in children!
IT made me think of why my au pair was getting depressed last week, as well as why I get a bit nutty at times.(Being a bit anxious)
I need to make a point of having music and perhaps TV which I always hated actually a priority now! Or the radio! We need to have some sensory input here!
I was really irritated last night as Westely had the nerve to CALL ME and give me the third degree ABOUT MY JOURNAL! I was fucking annoyed and hung up. I didn't discuss anything with him. He has some nerve though. He then KEPT CALLING OVER AND OVER AGAIN. In the same damn behavior pattern of the stalking like calls. HE doesn't respect when I tell him I don't want to talk to him.
Well, Sherlock isn't that bright, or he would have understood what I wrote was INDICATIVE of having a belief in God and Faith and a RONOUNCING of worldly values. I may have used colloquial frank language in actually DISCUSSING and ADDRESSING the fact that what I am avoiding is temptation to sin by NOT being sexually active without it being appropriate to a relationship.
I may have used crass language in conveying that I am not going to commit adultry, but also conveying that I have had the opportunity and temptation!
But nonetheless my message was indeed the consistent one it has been "lead me not into temptation" while honestly expressing
THAT I FEEL TEMPTATION!
HE's just such an ass. I hate the question "What abuse?" when he is in the middle of incessantly calling me after I hang up... similar to the screaming in the parking lot of "I HAVEN"T BEEN ABUSIVE!"....
Considering that just two weeks ago, on a THU morning to be exact, he nastily said he wanted two specific picture frames and said BRING ME THOSE PICTURES OR I WILL DESTROY ALL THE ONES I HAVE OF KATERINA AND SOREN"
I think he really needn't ask what abuse I am referring to. Pick whichever incident of interaction with me you want Westley. I can't think of ONE in the past few years in which you HAVEN'T BEEN ABUSIVE in some manner.
And as for my frank crass language? Maybe the fact that for at least the past three years you wouldn't ever KISS me or say you loved me (except of course AFTER OUR SEPARATION!) but occassionally would say you want to FUCK me and that "YOUR A GOOD FUCK" has something to do with that brokenness in me.
And maybe the fact that I hoped to have some connection with you, so did try to please you, and then I at times FELT that that physical sharing (if it can be called that) actually DID meet your needs, and DID for a brief moment bring us closer has SOMETHING to do with the fact I am vulnerable in that regard. Maybe since that was THE ONLY TIME YOU EVER TOUCHED ME in the past three years. Maybe since NO ONE TOUCHES ME OTHER THAN THE CHILDREN and I am seeking some connection....
Just maybe....that has something to do with me recognizing just how vulnerable and needy I am that I could even find SEXUAL connection without any commitment and love of temptation now. (since it was the only touch I experienced at all from you-- an occassional sexual connection of a FUCK in an angry manner)
Heck, that was what I experienced with you Westely for the last three years of what I consider a SHAM of marriage. OUR marriage was dead YEARS AGO.
It was DEAD the moment you deceided to divorce me YEARS AGO.
It was dead the moment you first consulted with the attorney regarding how to prepare for divorce YEARS AGO.
Don't fucking pretend otherwise. I may not have RECOGNIZED IT THEN because I didn't want to. BECAUSE I LOVED YOU and BECAUSE I BELIEVED WE HAD HOPE.
BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO RECOGNIZE ALL THOSE SIGNS
BECAUSE I WAS IN DENIAL
AND MOST OF ALL
BECAUSE I HAVE FAITH IN GOD
BECAUSE I BELIEVE IN THE REDEMPTIVE POWER OF GRACE AND FORGIVENESS AND I KNOW THAT GOD CAN HEAL EVEN YOUR BROKENNESS.
So don't fucking ask me if I believe in God.
Not only do I believe in God, but I CREDIT HIM FOR HAVING SAVED ME FROM THE HELL YOU PUT ME THROUGH.
Maybe someday you'll get over your self absorbed narcissitic pride which was the fall of Lucifer himself. Perhaps you might realize that someone has a stronghold on you, and it doesn't seem to be God. Perhaps, Oh King Solomen, you'll realize your castle isnt that thing of great value in this world or the next. Perhaps you'll wake up yourself to the reality that you can't do all things YOURSELF. YOU NEED TO TURN TO A HIGHER POWER FOR HELP. YOU NEED TO HUMBLE YOURSELF IN ORDER TO FIND YOURSELF.
I locked this diary earlier today. I did so as a girl friend was concerned it will be used against me. But I have NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.
And in fact, after YEARS of keeping this journal PRIVATE and writing for ME ONLY with the one exception of one girlfriend who read this site AS A SAFETY NET should we have violence erupt in our relationship again, I BROUGHT THIS PUBLIC out of a desperate need to have some connection when you had cut off the phone line (Again!)
At this point, with my home phone NOT SET UP FOR LONG DISTANCE AND SHITTY CELL SERVICE This is the BEST MEANS of me actually BEING CONNECTED to my family and friends.
Westely YOU MADE THIS SITE PUBLIC. YOU CALLED ATTENTION TO IT and FOUND IT then SHARED IT WITH LAWYERS AND YOUR FAMILY, and then it seemed at that point that I might as well ALSO share it with my family as a means of communication.
But the it became apparent this is one of the ONLY RELIABLE MEANS OF COMMUNICATION WITH MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS.
You are actively threatening to kick me out, and now threatening to shut off the electricity and phone service altogether. YOu have already stopped payment of the family vehical so I had to do without it. MOving of the support case from domestic court to circuit effectively rendered a child support order that DOES NOT include the six months of ARREARS during which I maintatined our household with LOANS and during which you liquidated $40,000 from and IRA and approximately the same in sales proceeds from the equiptment titled to MAPLE ORCHARD.
AND YOU ASK WHAT ABUSE?
Lying in a courtroom to claim that OUR HOME has not been MY HOME.
LYING TO CLAIM I hit you with a piece of paper and I made up the testimony of you yelling and screaming, pushing, shoving, throwing me across the room, spitting in my face, throwing objects at me, hitting our daughter in the stomach, and I MADE UP the RESPONDING OFFICER and the PHOTOGRAPH of the welt our six year old's stomach in the shape of your hand.
YOU ARE TRYING YOUR DAMNDEST TO MAKE IT DIFFICULT FOR THOSE NEEDS AT THE BOTTOM RUNG OF MASLOV'S TRIANGE TO BE MET FOR OR BY ME.
Ad you dare to ask WHAT ABUSE and DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOD of me?
GOD BEING HERE FOR ME TOMMORROW is indeed THE ONE SURE THING IN MY LIFE I CAN COUNT ON. I WAS DEPENDENT ON YOU FOR ALL THE REST OF MY NEEDS, AND PERHAPS THAT WAS WHERE I WENT WRONG. PERHAPS it was unbalanced and I should have been relying on GOD and thankful to HIM ALL ALONG.