2007-06-13 - 11:48 a.m.

Litigation update: not a great hearing on the nuptial as it was determined valid. Heresay precluded me from entering my hard copy diary from the time of the signing being entered in the case. I felt good that the truth of the story was conveyed however under oath. I was overwealmed as evidence I did have tucked in a folder in the front of my three ring binder where I had all evidence labeled mysteriously was not there when I was trying to run my argument. It threw me and I was trying to find it and couldn't focus on the case. I never had time to write the case out so it was disjointed and I actually almost FORGOT all about calling of the witness who was allegedly my attny at the signing of the nuptial! I met the dude just a few times, and not knowing him literally almost dropped that pivotal issue in the case! Although it seemed to not be that important in the end. I think going PRO se made it seem even less important that I didn't have counsel, nor time to retain anyone, nor finances to do so at the time, etc....

I felt bad for that poor guy I left in the hall for hours!

When he did take the stand it was pretty clear he never represented me. The highlight of the trial was that under cross ex I asked the attny I genuinely like who prepared the nuptial and represented my hubby the same question -- with a bunch of other questions in between. HE assertively answered it with certitude the first time, but the second time said "I don't recall" and seemed unsure.

So I then asked "was the lapse of memory within the last five moment, between when you before answered with such ceritude " blah , blah blah..." OR is that answer also a questionable one as you really don't remember."

SLAM DUNK

The only problem is that I vowed not to attack the credibility of any counsel and I don't see the point in that venture UNLESS I HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE

so despite I did a fine job, it still felt like crap.

I am frustrated that there is this attempt to make ME look unreasonable for having refused to settle when the fact is that my hubby and his attny NEVER PRESENTED A STETTLEMENT OFFER TO MY DIVORCE LAWYER and they insisted on attempting to do so ONLY to the lawyer I was paying all of $750 for to represent me in the PPO MATTER ONLY.

I instructed him NOT TO NEGOTIATE as I didn't want to waste his time as I WASN'T PAYING HIM
fOR THAT!
Not to mention the settlement offers were insulting ridiculous ones which all stipulated I move out of our family home here within 30 days. I was offered only $2000 a month in housing support for this family of seven that I care for! Add an au pair as I hope to do again, and its a household of 6 most of the year, and then a household of 8 the times Katerina and Soren are with us.

I actually think that I could go pro se this point fourth more capably as the tramatic part of the circumstance of being thrown in a car and taken for a ride and being threatened to be dropped off in a rural area unknown to me at night when 8 months pregnant was indeed one of the most insidious and painful episodes of abuse I had trouble even talking about without becoming a blubbery mess.

But the fact of that were told in court so now I think I can refer to the oath and transcript and the fact I pretty successfuly have questioned credibiltiy of others but my testimony is not likely not credible as I have never lied about a thing (other than the fact of when fertile which I learned to do a few years back so as to not be pregnant again!)

Considering that when fertile it was the only time my hubby would come near me- that seems justifiable. It was survival mechanism.

I do realize though that I have used writing theraputically as always. I STILL have this big problem with actually pulling other people into this though. I am so busy caring for the girls I have no time to devote to this case. They are getting bathing suits on now so I can write quickly as they get ready just thrilled to go out to swim in the sun. But other that venting here- I have such trouble even talking about all that has happened.

Essentially as even though I chose to leave my abusive marriage, I loved my husband and wanted so much for it to work. I still feel like it is just wrong to ever say a bad thing about him unnecessarily. I believed the story told from OTHERS who observed and had their own experiences with him would be compelling enough to establish a history of a volitile tempermant. Others WITNESSED the abuse. I had trouble bringing that out in testimony as the hearing was ONLY regarding the TIME of the signing of the nuptial. I was precluded from more GENERAL testimony of OTHERS as to what they themselves experinced and observed as I had no idea EXACTLY the dates and times of their first hand knowledge.

Such is the problem when we live lives.

Similar to immigration matters, it is sad that those who are liars can PREPARE for litgation and literally CREATE evidence as an ends to a means-- albeit by lying or falsehoods. Ethics of some apparently feel the end justify the means.

My ethics are my compass that compel me to never lie nor not be oresent in the daily moments with my girls as I put anything else before them- including litgation. My ehtics are such that I have not PREPARED for this case. I felt TRUCH needn't be PREPARED.

Unfortunatley my organizational skills and lack of knowledge and experience with litigation have made me appear to not have it all together. And one will never see that is because I let this goal go while playing with girls and watching and caring for them and myself. One will never see that sometimes we are late for school as I am appropriately handling a child who is volitile and aggressive and needs gentle firl redirection and time out that will begin AFTER she stops the kicking or biting or lashing out hitting. One will never see the fall out of distubance in my children that I so capably handle as I just DO IT One will never be able to know that with my background I know I am good at that and I know that the girls have been restpred to a healtier point but I ALSO KNOW that despite it all they NEED THEIR FATHERS LOVE AS MUCH AS THEY NEED MINE.

I have to now tend to the moment. Which is what I do. A party awaits for my 5 yr old. And that is more important to me right now than even knowing if I am going pro se tommorrow morning or if I can hire counsel to take over. I'll work on that after the girls are in bed-- if I have energy and time. And if not, I'll continue to have faith and do the best I can.

SO BE IT

ANd hope to be carried on angels wings

Because I believe in the end that LOVE is STILL stronger than hate.

And I believe in the end that TRUTH is still more compelling than organized lies.

ANd I believe in the capability of wise counsel and the prudence of our judges that sit on the bench.

I believe goodness will be the outcome for all, regardless of what happens.

In the end that is what is most important. That my children and I are happy and healthy and still have faith in God and goodness of the people of this world.

That is the most important thing I can impart to them. The ability to love and be loved.

Because LOVE HEALS
and LOVE prevails.

ANd I see that moreso than anything else it is THEIR LOVE which had healed their father. WE CAN ALL LEARN A LESSON FROM THE LITTLE ONES

THe love unabashedly like they have never been hurt. Even Katerina who was punched in the head by her step father IS STILL APPRECHIATIVE OF WHAT GOOD THINGS HE DID GIVE TO HER.

And I am SO PROUD OF HER FOR THAT.

I am proud that myself and my children are not bitter.

And I wish that Westely were not and that he too could trust and just LOVE. EVEN WHEN he is not getting what he hoped out of this marriage. Even when he has to sacrifice for the good of his family. That's what love is about.

I just wish he had some faith and trust and could therefore SHARE the fruits of this relationship that we STARTED on the foundation of love. Even with its unbalance of out home - the foundation which was behind every bit of motar and stone that built this home was one of LOVE and his commitment as a provider.
I just wish he could trust and want to WILLINGLY continue to do that unabashdly without questioning that there is any other motive that maintaining this home for our children's benefit in the way we BOTH KNOW is best.

HE NEVER SUPPORTED ME IN WORKING outside the home- and that was out of LOVE ALBEIT MISGUIDED as at some point I SHOULD have been supported to then be able to give to my children who were in NY in the way I could (BY clothing purchases etc when not with them but still meeting their needs as a parent should!) But even that misguided attempt of his to thwart my work was essentially out of LOVE as he KNEW it best for the girls for me to remain home. HE KNEW THEY NEED ME. HE TRUSTED ME AS THEIR MOST CAPABLE CARETAKER. And he esstially ASLO trusted Katerina and Soren's father as capable of providing for them.

HE used to say he WANTED what was best for them- that he DOES love both Soren and KAterina. I believe that to be so. I also believe he was right that their Father's rehabilitation and wellness which was a result of HIS LOVE of his children was in some way the best thing for Katerina and Soren.

I believed when I read in the Bible (I think in Timothy) that we are where God means for us to be. We may not always like it in the moment.

So I have this great peace still that God's will shall be done and there is this growth of us all which we can either embrace or fight against.

We can either be AFRAID to do that which we know is right, or we can have trust that it is the thing we are meant to do-- even if it makes our job now vulnerable, even if it offends some, even if it makes us feel like we are vulnerable.

Westely did always like that phrase "To thine own self be true"

I hope that he is being true to what he knows is right in this matter.

His attny who drafted the nuptial assured that he would take care of us all. I hope he is correct and somehow despite it all still believe that. I still wonder that the home is in a life estate trust. He said we were the beneficiarys. I still wonder why he is trying to kick me out as I somehow believed when he indicated we would be supported here if anything ever happened. I still believe in the end Westely will overcome the fear that I am trying to strip him of all joy and accomplishment and see I am only aspiring to allow us all to be the best we can be.

I still have this vision of him someday actualizing his dreams for this place. Perhaps it is crazy stubbornness, but I see no reason why that can't come to be.

I don't believe that he will in the end allow biterness to motivate him to attempt tp destroy not only me, as the only thing it would continue to harm will be himself. King Solomon may in the end be left with all his stuff, but what a horrible price to pay for it. Is it worth the tarnishing of your very soul and sense of self to continue such self destructive path?

I really think not.
And in the end, I hope Westely thinks not as well.

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