2007-09-22 - 12:34 p.m.

I picked up a mug from the one company I was on the Friends and Family IPO list for the ice cream I was eating just now as I took a break from housecleaning.

I did a search for IPO Friends and Family and SEC

Found this interesting article:
http://www.corplawblog.com/archives/000043.html

I agree reform of IPO rules would be appropriate. Now of course it may NEVER have happened that a person was USED by one who was an insider and who couldn't sell under a black out period, by making them a CONDUIT to be on the friends and family list and move a transaction through them....
Say a finace, one recently became engaged to , in anticipation of marriage and in anticipation of an IPO....

NO I can't affirmatively say that EVER happened.

However reform of IPO legislation would indeed prevent that from ever being a possibility.

I thought about a conversation I recently had regarding how people often project THEIR ISSUES onto someone else. As an example, if someone seems to have a preoccupation with fear of their partner cheating on them, its the #1 indicator that person THEMSELF are the party with a fidelity issue.

Often the greatest fears come from the greatest guilt. I don't know if that projection is a self defense mechanism, due to thinking that if one makes a big issue about a bad behavior others will never suspect they could preform such a behavior- A smoke screen so to speak,

or that the very act of preforming a bad act is that which creates such turmoil in the actor that their choice will haunt them by guilt driven fears.

For instance, an ongoing obsession with being on time when one themself is habitually late, or constant emphasizing honesty when one consistently does things such as lie on their taxes, or Project the fear that their wife married them for their money, when in reality the need for a wife was essential in order to actual a goal of coming into a large sum of money.

Hmmm..... I can't attest those things as FACT, but I think they are pretty good theorys which explain alot.

Protecting against exposing possible insider trading indeed WOULD be one possible explanation as to why what has been going on with me seemed to be about so much more than just WESTELY and I .

But then again, maybe its not a matter the SEC would be interested in. Maybe there was no impropriety and it was all legal and just coincidence. Maybe the man I thought was my friend that put me on the friends and family list is really just a friend.

Maybe.....

Regardless, I am glad it is not my issue, and I am glad to be packing and moving soon. I was glad to remain here this past year as it provided stability for the girls, and it allowed Soren and Katerina to come back home.

I think these thoughts came about today as I packed up and recalled that one week after Westely punched Katerina in the head and she went to visit her DAD, Westely started packing up her and Soren's things. I was very upset and asked what he was doing. He said "They are not coming back here"

It was as if he intentionally threw that punch wanting that outcome. He was so insensitive and bitter and nasty about making it clear he was GLAD they were not here.

I haven't thought about this in a long time. For some reason the lyrics of Eye of the Hurricane by David Wilcox made me cry this AM when I heard them and I thought of that pain of the children being gone and wondered if it ever really heals when one loses a child in any way.

And I wondered if it feels like this when one has an abortion, or a miscarriage, or the shattering of a dream of expecting a child of yours to be born and then having that joy and hope shattered. And I guess I understood that fear and why for so many who lose a child they are so broken.

And it made me sad.

It made me feel so sad, and wonder how anyone can have such lack of empathy that they can be so heartless.

I think this welled up in me because at the school open house the other night I was telling the librarian with pride how Soren is reading storys on the Reading Rainbow site. Westely walked in and I asked if he knew about that.

HE looked at me FLAT and INDIFFERENT and EXPRESSIONLESS and shrugged, and turned away conveying the message "Why would I care?"

He doesn't care. That was so clear.

It might have seemed to some had they observed it a small thing. It might have not seemed aggressive or abusive to some.

But for some reason that indifferent cold lack of empathy was more biting to me, and harsher than any of his violent outbursts.

I don't know why the demonstration of him truly being heartless should be such a surprise to me. I think it was the difference that this time I saw the stab of pain in the eyes of the two women present. I think it was because I swear one of them looked like SHE was going to well up being upset by how I had just been treated. I shouldn't be so thrown by that. I mean he has brought strangers to tears after they observed his violent screaming at me in parking lots before. I have watched women in cars at Bloom waiting with cell phones in hand observing with sadness. I have seen a stranger come up to me in tears and ask

"WHY DID YOU HUG HIM AFTER HE TREATED YOU LIKE THAT?"

But I guess this was just rubbing of salt into the deepest wound that he has inflicted.

So when I was packing today, I was disappointed that my brain recalled that moment of him packing Katerina's and Soren's things and putting them up in the attic.

I guess that is also not so unusual as it was the last time anyone packed anything from here that I observed. (HE has come to pack up stuff when I haven't been here.)

I have been very happy and positive and looking forward to moving.

So this moment has come and now will pass, and I am going to try my best to let go of it, and to let go of the pain and move forward with joy. We are all doing well- this I know. We are all healthy and happy. We are all changing and growing and will continue to do so.

All the children and I are very excited about our new home!

So I need to focus on that positive in our lives now that I have vented and let go of difficult moments.

I just hope that someday this pain will pass. I think it was the lyric, "She can run by she can not hide" essentially saying how the pain is always there which made me sad.
I hope that is incorrect. I hope SOMEDAY it indeed can be gone.

But I know I am greatly changed.
I am often OK with that.
I am USUALLY OK WITH THAT.

Just sometimes, I do miss the wonderful state of being so intrinsically happy with an innocence of not ever having known such pain.

And at some level I feel like it was that state of happiness which is what drew Westley to me.

In a bizarre way as he wanted to destroy the thing he loved. He wanted to touch, taste, feel and BE that happy. But he COULDN'T and then he turned to destroy that which he could not possess.

He tried so hard to find that happiness in THINGS.

Which of course NEVER works...

I guess I wanted to destroy that which I thought was the CAUSE of the dysfunction. So in a polar opposite of his greed, I prayed for the stock market to crash. I PRAYED we would not have MONEY AND THINGS to distract.

Its wonderful at some level to not be distracted by stuff. To not be worshiping money. But at the same time I was making the mistake he made.

He wanted to destroy the things he could not possess, as if that was the cause of his unhappiness. He seemed to be so unhappy as he WANTED me to make him happy and having me in his life did not do that for him. He never could grasp it and make it his own. So he hated me, as if my happiness rubbed salt in his wounds by its reminder of that which he could not attain.

He never realized his happiness is internal. It has nothing to do with things or others. It has nothing to do with me. I could neither provide it for him, nor prevent him from attaining it.

I made the same mistake in a way. I thought that money and stuff in our lives somehow was a source of evil. I was looking EXTERNALLY thinking if something changed our lives may become more balanced.

Yet it wasn't the stuff, it wasn't the things that was the source of evil. And praying for the stock market to crash, and seeking to not have things to distract would not suddenly make the evil go away.

It is in the hardened heart. And the hardened heart can only be changed when touched by the hand of God somehow. There is nothing I nor any other person can REALLY do when someone's chosen to remain closed and refuses to open their heart. I too wanted to find a simple way to SOLVE the problems of Westley. I thought that not having money would suddenly take care of the problem of greed, and imbalance, and values having been distorted.

We need to look internally to nurture our own souls. We need to look to GOD to become healthy in spirit. We need to seek God to be within our own souls if we are to ever find peace and joy and real happiness.

Eyes indeed are the window of the soul.

I am just so sad now at having once again looked upon dead eyes without a glimmer of life within them.

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