2008-04-20 - 8:57 p.m.

I haven't written in a while. This is in part because I have started a full time job and as a Professional I know one is always a representative of their company so that does make a difference in my comfort level of a stream of consciousness style of writing. I simply WILL NOT EVER write about work. That being said, I love my job, am VERY BLESSED to have finally found meaningful work in my field for which I am valued and appreciated but also PAID WELL. I have a marvelous opportunity to use my skills, learn new ones to advance professionally, and have been hired into a position I believe I am not only well prepared and capable of, but also was placed in a supportive environment with a company that has a culture in which they set each person up for SUCCESS. What that means is that they invest in training, actually give thoughtful feedback and constructive criticism, provide all the tools and support needed and encourage and assist each other. I believe they are basically exceptional at hiring and and have been able to choose people with remarkable capability and esteem so there is not one bit of that low self esteem unhealthy competition within the workplace itself. There just doesn't seem to be anyone that feels the need to cut down others in order to feel superior THANK GOD.

I am so happy to be surrounded by wonderful individuals who seem self actualized and HAPPY and who know how to laugh!

One thing I observed in myself which I need to be aware of and curb (and which I don't think was part of my thought process eight years ago) is that truly destructive tendency to use NEGATIVE HUMOR . I don't think using sarcasm to display intellectual wit is ever REALLY funny. I just find it distasteful at this point. Yet at times I realize I DO IT.

So the question for me now is WHY DON'T I JUST LOCK THIS JOURNAL?

In part it is sheer stubbornness as every time I end up in court over some dumb thing THERE THESE WORDS ARE and TIME TIME AGAIN I WALK AWAY FROM THOSE EXPERIENCES FEELING VERY VALIDATED

I mean, every time I am attacked, I just KNOW it will never work to try to use my very healthy outlet and method of communicating to those I love to malign my character.
As long as I still in this phase of a sporadically dependable, sometime choppy and sometimes outright dead phone line... which costs me all of $18 a month... I continue to depend on this forum as a means of knowing I am always connected to the world.

I started writing out of a need for safety. I continue to keep this site as at some level it still gives me that sense of security and comfort . I seldom have moments of sheer terror, but on the now thankfully rare moments of being at all afraid it still provides a calm sense of comfort to know I am always CONNECTED to others by this tool.

I do look forward to getting out from under what could be crushing debt (to those who would let it destroy their spirit), and eventually I will get a Dependable phone line and may feel like this is not necessary.

Thankfully my friends are loving and tolerant. They do sweet things like show up at 7:30 AM with a gift of a new phone and answering system after the answering phone mysteriously stopped working, and the vonage phone answering system ALSO mysterious stopped working.

This technology challenge is nothing new to me. But at least I now HAVE A JOB so don't rely on a decent phone for potential offers.

I also feel like MAYBE this writing will inspire SOMEONE. If it helps just one person SOMEWHERE have a sense of hope, I think it hasn't been in vain.

If not helpful to anyone else, then it may then be solely vanity. But I guess I NEEDED that at the time and place I have been at... at Some level! If nothing else has been positive, this writing has made me feel better about ME.

I haven't written as I have been emotionally in a place where I haven't had the NEED to do so.

That is indeed a good thing.

So here I am tonight... because tonight I DO HAVE THE NEED.

It was just a rough day. One of those rough days I don't want to ACTUALLY write about - Believe it or not there is A LOT which I have not ever written about! But the very act of writing is therapeutic for me.

At this point however, I think I might just put a password on this. Some may wonder why I ever took it off? Main reason is having it on is always a royal pain for me. You see I can never remember ANY of my passwords and therefore have to reset them constantly. Having it locked just made it one more for me to remember and manage. Sounds dumb doesn't it- but that is the truth. I am at times a technological idiot (Who can read and understand engineering specs if necessary! Makes little sense but it is true!)

If there are any readers out there who actually care to continue to read, send me an e-mail and I will send you a password should I decide to lock this.

Watch I will only get a few e-mails from local attorneys of my EX who I don't give a hoot if they read it or not. Its almost amusing to me when at every court hearing they have wasted their time pouring over this dribble only to have me say something outright in court they hoped to call attention to themselves by presenting my journal. The silly thing is I am always initially sitting there with the same thought , " I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY HAVE MY JOURNAL AGAIN? How utterly tacky! They are going to try to attack me with my words AGAIN"

I know.
Its silly for me to truly be surprised every occasion that has happened. But I have been. So in those moments, after the inital surprise, I then wonder what they heck they are going to try to use NOW... and try to think of the strongest and possibly most offensive things I have written. They I am SURE TO TRY TO SAY THE SAME THING IN COURT BEFORE THEY HIGHLIGHT THE JOURNAL ENTRY.

Its a great tactic.
Its actually really amusing.

Its hard to present my words as if they are so outlandish right after I SAID THE SAME THING and I got a SMILE from the judge in reaction!

Because of course, one can read ANYTHING with ANY INFLECTION ONE WANTS. So when I SPEAK MY OWN WORDS with the INTENDED SENSE, INFLECTION, NUANCED MEANING... they can't be as easily manipulated or misconstrued.

Here's a great example: At the latest hearing I was proud to tell the judge " I admit I at first thought you were CRAZY to impute income to a mom who has been a stay at home mom for the last eight years, but then I did realize at least you were the only one who actually had a vote of confidence for not only my ability as a mother but as a provider for my children as well"

To which the perhaps not so loony Judge, but rather a decent judge of character , smiled and replied "My estimate wasn't far off, was it?," as he was overlooking my offer letter which does indicate salary. I swear he looked PLEASED and PROUD OF MY SUCCESS in Finding a job!
(And I did land a rockin job! They gave me FIFTEEN THOUSAND MORE THAN I NEGOTIATED FOR!! How often does that happen??)

My favorite part of the hearing had to be when I said "I AM PROUD to pay the legal fees for the case before the Court of Appeals... I was told my one attorney who turned it down, it would cost me twenty thousand dollars to lose, and I achieved that for $11,000. That was a bargain." (Paraphrase as in the court I named the attny who turned it down)

And there the opposing cousel was with highlighted pages of this journal and of course tried to use them to say how I KNOWINGLY brought forth a case WITHOUT MERIT...

NO the attorney KNEW he/she screwed up and failed to object to evidence not being allowed it, and THERE WAS MERIT or the VA Court of APPEALS wouldn't have HEARD the case at all. I lost as there wasn't a STRONG ENOUGH ARGUMENT... Mainly because you can't introduce and argument on appeal for the first time, and the VA court of appeals judged the argument I presented was not adequately raised in the trial. The Attorney KNEW in domestic violence cases the burden to achieving justice is ALWAYS EVIDENCE.

I heard a GREAT QUOTE FROM THE POPE which he said before the UN in NY last FRIDAY "Legality is at times the biggest obstacle to justice" (or something very similar... my paraphrase)

But I am rambling... Back to my main point being that I was not once HURT by the introduction of my journal into litigation. Judges are not dumb people. They of course DO read the highlighted sections presented, but like most, they don't STOP THERE and even when opposing counsel WANTED to present things OUT OF CONTEXT,I believe the judge kept reading (like most curious folk might), and each time there was inevitably more to the forest that could be gleaned than the one patch of poison ivy creeping up the one tree they attempted to zone in on.

But frankly, I think the judge at each occasion just doesn't give a damn what I wrote, any more than most would. Its a JOURNAL for goodness sake. He understands what that means! HE gets it.. They all do... that its my personal venting..for my own health and communication to others as well. But to think this somehow be an embarrassment to me was a grand waste of their time. I hope they at least were sometimes amused as well.

Sayanaro for now. Time to actually connect my new gift from beloved friends I know it came from a few... one gave me the phone and it actually has a few old called ID #s which leads me to believe it was passed on from another. VERY SWEET! The battery had to charge six hours.. Since my OLD Phone once again WILL NOT CONNECT and I get DEAD AIR and my sweet boyfriend is trying to call... my rambling is ending, and new phone connecting beginning..

I FEEL LOVED.
I wasn't feeling that when I started writing tonight.. I swear if you ever feel down just doodle away.. or ramble on .. IT always works for me!

Going to put on that fun song by Sarah Vaugh... I believe called "The Doodle Song"

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