2009-07-31 - 7:09 a.m.

WHOOO HOOO I am celebrating I still have a job!

I enjoyed my work yesterday as I was busy and productive.

I felt a bit better after another attorney witnessed that my funky computer at work indeed had the buttons which turn on BALLOON COMMENTS totally GREY and unable to be selected as an option.

It was one of those weird funky glitches. It explained why I couldn't
see the Customer redlines.

We figured out a way to get it to work, but it was odd.

It felt good to be validated that it wasn't MY USER ERROR as it is just very unusual that those buttons would have been unavailable.

The good news is that I had a work around the trouble rather quickly and it posed no more issues the rest of the day so I was successful in getting my work done.

Its such a shame that I feel side effects of the Concerta. I had trouble falling asleep last night, not due to worry but definately a side effect as it was still in my system.

I had a couple of moments of paranoia.

I am disappointed that those occur with this medication as they did with Adderall. I get the sense that I am actually better off WITHOUT medication (unless I can find one without those side effects.)

Soren actually has some song on his I-POD that came on just after I was talking to him about the medication dilemma in the car the day we found the GO CARTS. That same day as I was talking the song "NO MEDS" came on! He laughed and commented on it as a pretty clear sign that might be the best route for me to go in handling my ADHD.

I chose to go back into treatment after speeding tickets and the car accident in which I spaced and rear ended someone in traffic in a total lapse of attention. Treatment DOES definately help in my attentiveness when driving.

The other thing I note is that while it helps my focus, I definately get that HYPER FOCUS to a BIG DEGREE. I left work late the past three days. On each occassion I had NO CONCEPT of what time it was until I was off task and completed what I was doing.

So interestingly I find it makes it HARDER to have good time managment skills. (I have already tackled any problem with being on time long ago by behavioral managment and developing good habits.)
The hyperfocus makes it hard to stop doing something. (And is often a TRAIT in ADHD so it is interesting that the medication brings that one on worse for me.I have moments of that when not treated, but it seems accentuated when under treatment.)

As far as the quality of my work, that is really hard to judge.

I'll give it a bit of time and make an appt to talk to the Dr. about the side effects. At least I recognize when I have thoughts that they are paranoia (even if triggered by REAL stimulus, like REAL layoffs and REAL comments I hear-- which off course I KNOW REALLY have NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. That is just so strange I have have never been one of those people who reads into things and speculates some negative outcome EXCEPT When on medication. I hope with a little more time that will just pass as a symptom. Its only been two weeks of trying this again.

THey say these symptoms are in the minority of those who seek treatment. Alexy certainly seems to do well with the medication she takes which appears to help her tremendously.

I think since the studies show that medication only works for about two years and then the effects taper off, that it would be prudent for my oldest daughter to try treatment for these final two years of High School which might assist in learning some study skills and good organizational habits. (She tells me she never studies and I believe that cause the truth is I never studied either. Even through law school... I just never had time to do the reading so skimmed it in class. I did assignements of course, but never really did learn that skill of sitting down and STUDYING very well, although I did so when taking Biology and Latin and then it didn't seem to help!)

She'll do alright though. I am proud she is about to embark on the International Baccalareate Program at her school. She is a B student overall (I think. Iknow she had an A in World History and a high grade on the AP exam which she was thrilled about), with something like an 80 in Chemistry-- so it all balances out to a B AVG (maybe A-) The thing that is heartbreaking was to help her just sit down and FINISH the SEVEN CHEMISTRY labs which she had 3/4 of the way done that she hadn't handed in. She had them all ALMOST done, ran out of time, FORGOT about them, they piled up and then became overwealming. I was proud she faced that challenge and got it all done and handed in (Even if late) but would love to see her be able to navigate school without such moments a bit easier. I do think medication helps those of us with ADHD with FOLLOW THROUGH on those tasks we otherwise start and then just LOSE and FORGET ABOUT as our minds are on other things.

The thing is, I don't think one would have the paranoia symptoms unless they ever experience some trama that can be a catalyst for hot buttons to be triggered (which the medication seems to trigger.) Had I never experienced serious computer issues at HOME (such as my resume files appearing locked so I couldn't access, things I tried to print of any importance coming out SCRAMBLED... only when I did my taxes, or tried to write a cover letter or resume but never for things NOT important) Well then I wouldn't have a FEAR of HACKING which kicks in when I have some funky glitch with the computer at work.

(That's one example of a trigger that I think Might make me feel fearful for a BRIEF moment, but when on the medication I think becomes a GREATER FEAR.

OK SO maybe that is not a good example of paranoia (As it too easily COULD BE REAL INTERFERENCE AND HACKING)

A better example is worry about a small comment my co-worker said that I was afraid could relate to me.

But these symptoms do seem mild at this point so I am going to keep trying this treatment at this time. If I don't, and have a lapse of attention I could get another speeding ticket and not be able to drive!

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