2010-02-05 - 10:55 p.m.
I did something I don't often do, and something I almost NEVER do last night:
I re-read a few old entries from this;
I passed it on to my "Virtual Boyfriend"
I had commented to my therapist that the MOMENT I was out of the relationship with my now Ex Boy, that my Ex Husband seemed to me to kick into high gear the attacks of me.
She joked that I should write about a boyfriend here (knowing that my Ex is still stalker like.)
Now I laughed and said " I could never do that as everything I have written thus far is TRUE!"
My Marine friend did volunteer for the Job however! So he is my VB. We figure a MARINE is the best prototype there could be for the job! The Hunter seemed to elicit respect and fear from my EX to enough of a degree to lighten up and leave me alone without attacking me in the courts.
MY Very Best... Very Bright... hmmmm.. Have to come up with some good descriptors... Very Bodacious
I like that one!
YES ! HE is Bold! It take a bold man to be comfortable dating multiple woman at a time... Visceral Bod...
HEY--- Months ago he said to me "Come to Aspen with my friends. We are planning a trip in Feb"
I was complaining about having been disappointed that my EX LAUGHED when I suggested I go with him skiing in Aspen (while still in that relationship. It was hurtful!) HE had laughed and said "You can't go skiing!"
What the hell? What do you mean I can't go skiing??? I had told him I LOVE skiing. He didn't believe me. It was so weird!
I REALLY was planning on going to Aspen this Feb if I got an invite (and could afford it!) However the fact the VB has a REAL girlfriend who he is meeting in Aspen rather than a group of friends put a little kink in the plan of me joining him and his world there for the Feb ski trip. The fact that a friend of his who worked at a resort and was the host of their gatherings there got fired (for having too many partying friends in complimentary suites I believe!); meant the party of a group of friends that it might have been comfortable for me to join was not happening!
As He said "Aspen is complicated..."
So instead he invited me to join him skiing in Lake Placid.
And for good measure it was a weekend with his family :) Daughter, sister, Brother, Nephew... Now that is one smart man! Avoiding the temptation of a house in Lake Placid for the weekend all to ourselves!
SKIING WAS WONDERFUL! I Just LOVE being on the slopes! It was so beautiful even on one of the coldest days of the year.
The company of my Virtual Boyfriend is wonderful! We actually have been lucky to enjoy some time in Buffalo, and then here in VA in Dec as he was traveling for work so its been nice to develop this friendship more deeply. He is an old college friend I have known pretty well throughout the years.
It truly was therapeutic and healing to go skiing with my friend after having someone act like I wasn't capable of doing so.
Now the WEIRD thing is that I re-read a few old posts- just randomly clicked, and lo and behold I had selected two. One was a description of terrible PTSD and it was written RIGHT BEFORE my first date with the man that then was my boyfriend for two years. And it totally struck me that when in that relationship the symptoms subsided! Even when HOME ALONE the relationship gave me a sense of SECURITY. He was a HUNTER and a PROVIDER and PROTECTOR by nature. He was attracted to me as he felt good caring for me and helping out. It was a good relationship for us both.
HOwever the PTSD symptoms DID kick in like mad whenever my boyfriend was out of town and I found myself alone. I did my best to try to obviscate that from him! I didn't want him to know I became so unhinged when he was gone.
Its so very weird as I have ALWAYS been SO VERY INDEPENDENT.
So that's the struggle for me. I am trying to find ways to feel secure and not have the PTSD symptoms become unmanageable while alone. It was just such a shock for me to read that old pose and some other paper journals of when my boyfriend was gone and to realize that pattern of being fine when in relationship with others but being totally unhinged when alone and the symptoms come flooding back.
Another thing that struck me in reading the old post was the description of how I borrowed the truck (of the man who was at that point a new friend as I had just met him but wasn't yet in the girlfriend role)- for my camping trip with my girls and Pocohontas. In contrast, this past summer when I went camping with my kids off on my own he was so very NEGATIVE and NOT ENCOURAGING and he acted like I couldn't possibly go camping with all these kids all by myself. He was encouraging me to get a hotel, then He was trying to talk me into a cabin. He had this message that he kept sending at that point in time that I was not CAPABLE and wouldn't be able to handle the trip. It was the same attitude about backpacking Montana when he was planning a trip and it was clear he wasn't including me. The same attitude about going to ski Aspen. There was this need he had of a weird sense of superiority and validation by a very subtle manner of acting like I was not capable which seeped into our relationship with this ever so gradual shift.
It's amazing the contrast. The thing that was remarkable about that man however is HOW LOVING and GENTLE and kind a GOOD to me he was all of those two years. He too is a controller by nature. That is the root of the resentment that he had developed. HE too wanted to be the one in control of decisions and didn't feel comfortable with my independence. He too has those SAME personality traits of my Ex husband, and to a degree my good friend (my VB!) shares those also. A need for precision and achievement and doing things exceptionally well to the point of being a bit obsessive, lack of patience, super smart and overachievers. But the thing is that both my Ex boyfriend and VB KNOW THEMSELVES so very well and therefore Temper their own selves and AVOID making life choices which will put them in situations and commitments that they will not be able to gracefully handle.
I respect and appreciate knowing ones own limits.
I always said about my Ex Boyfriend that he never got married as he never wanted to put any woman through what his mother went through! He never had kids as he never wanted to put a child through what he went through from his Father.
And he knew that he had his own issues and the wisdom to know that they will arise and be challenges.
The sad thing for him is that I think he FEARS those challenges TOO MUCH and shortchanges himself opportunities to grow in life. He bails from a relationship JUST at that juncture of the opportunity for growth. That is the point at which one is uncomfortable! Right at the cusp of changing and growing there is ALWASY a very uncomfortable fear and anxiety and then often some pain in the process! But if one works through that, the do experience the reward of coming through the experience a better, and more actualized and I think complete version of who they are meant to be.