2010-04-27 - 12:35 a.m.
I am just amazed that when I look at the on line record for the active case in Loudoun that once again it looks DIFFERENT than it did recently!
That really was a nonsensical one.
The mirage continues...
Not that I mind if everyone forgets the past and moved on.
But I am bothered at people who can't even CONSIDER the possibility they might have made a mistake and be OPEN to another possibility.
When I got to the court today about 5 - 10 minutes late (I thought it would only take me 30 minutes from work but forgot that there is a good 10 minute walk from my office to the parking lot. OOPS! I also made the mistake of taking a call from the attorney I was working a deal with and she too is chatty... oh well...)
I LIKED going to work before a hearing as it keeps me relaxed and doesn't allow time for me to get stressed.
Good to be focused on the deals at hand at work.
Its busy at work now so that IS GOOD! (THANK GOD!!)
So I opened the door to the courtroom and there was a trial in full swing.
I swear the law guardian lied to me. I think she is just full of crap as she said "It was called at 1:00 and you weren't here so it was re-scheduled" to which I first said " Isn't it 1:00?"
However the BS of the case already having been heard and rescheduled because I was not there at 1:00 sharp is not believeable to me as
Wonder how the court just HAPPENED to decide since I WAS FIVE MINUTES LATE to then move a criminal trial into our spot and whip up a jury that quick- impromptu...
Also evidenced by the fact that when those two parties walked away as I was left to talk with the law guardian, his PARTNER- The CRIMINAL LAWYER who had represented my husband walked into the conference room close to where we were sitting talking in ear shot I am sure to take notes on all I said.
I watched him do so, and frankly I didn't see his name on the docket today for the dog case.
So it seems that the interest in being there at that place and at that just HAD to be Wesley.
I didn't exactly maintain my patience well today and suggested to the law guardian that she might actually do the due diligence this time around. I really lost my cool on her a bit. That was after she asked me if I would be agreeable to CONSENTING for the girls to live with Wesley during the week and come to me three weekends a month. I told her if she actually did the due diligence she likely WOULD agree there is a NEED for a custody shift, but not as Wesley expects- but a shift TO FULL CUSTODY TO ME as he clearly is damaging to the girls well being and their relationship with me.
Teaching your kids to HATE their mother is something that is universally agreed is not in children's best interest.
I told her this time around she might want to actually do some due diligence on behalf of the children.
She was paid $17,000 last time around and didn't talk to the responding officers to our home? HOW The hell can you represent kids in a divorce initiated by family violence without speaking to the responding officers when they are only a phone call away?
I just don't get that at all.
I asked today WHY NOT? and she said "you didn't give me the contact information"
How hard is it to CALL THERE and find her?
Considering you were the lawyer representing the children I think you would have had interest in taking the initiative to do so!
I mean the message I got today was that I HAVE TO DO THE DUE DILIGENCE FOR THE CHILDREN
I am annoyed because the last time around I sent her a letter, I hand delivered it, I faxed it, I e-mailed it AND I left a lengthy message on her phone with twelve people to call.
This time around I have put off giving her contacts in part because
Its all just utter nonsense.
Trouble is, disengaging is not an advised legal strategy in a custody battle.
IT IS My conditioned response to abusive, controlling behavior however, and as I see the court system being used as a tool for abuse and control I am resistant to ALLOW that method to be EFFECTIVE in controlling me.
Problem is I think I tend to get a bit PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE in response.
I am ANGRY
And I think it comes out in ways like being late for court and asserting
I am sure that wasn't the smartest thing to say today, even if it IS TRUE that although I am tired now and haven't an ounce of energy left that if I am to lose custody and have time on my hands and no kids at night but for weekends I just might go gangbusters as they say at filing an appeal.
However, I would prefer to just find an attorney to take this case.
That would be the best at this point.
Because clearly I am going to lose it on that law guardian if I don't.
I am the end of my patience.
The fact she sent me a Bullshit letter saying that I called but didn't leave my number AFTER she had left me a message in response makes me annoyed and not trust her.
Something I had A VERY HARD TIME DOING TODAY.
Which is why I DO need to file a motion for her removal.
My ANGER at her for having placed the girls in this vulnerable situation is a bit deeper than I really knew or acknowledged. I have listened to my older children vent their disbelief and anger and upset feelings about the situation for the past few years.
I have supported them and tried to take on the role of trying to calm them down and help them not be bitter and angry.
But the one thing I HAVEN'T DONE is EXPRESS MY ANGER AT HER.
And it does lay there, lingering, deeply where I let it sit as I am UNCOMFORTABLE with anger and am one to NOT OFTEN give it an outlet. I so rarely FEEL ANGER that when I really do I think I AVOID it and suppress it.
BOY did that bubble up today.
I put off communicating with her as it is tremendously painful.
I tried to write a succinct letter giving contacts for her to reach out to.
It was a SEVEN PAGE RANT.
I then did write my two pargraph e-mail to her just last night with a few key contacts.
But BOY WAS I DRAINED after that seven page rant.
I went through all the things I think she overlooked.
KUDOS to me that I DID NOT SEND IT and decided that it was really more for ME and not needed for the law guardian.
The trouble is, seven pages is not enough to meet my need.
I could write a book about what was wrong with that litigation. However I don't think it is a book ANYONE would WANT TO READ. NO ONE WOULD ENJOY IT.
And I hate negativity so really don't want to put more out there.
Which is why I suppress and avoid I guess as I just can't STAND focusing on the negative.
Hmmmm... wonder how the trial about the alleged dog killer went?
I didn't stick around to find out. I lingered after the other parties left just so I could go back into the courtroom to CONFIRM the case REALLY was not going to be heard. I have NO TRUST LEFT at all of the process in Loudoun NOT being manipulated.
But then I got up and headed back to work.
It was a lovely evening!
And BOY did I FEEL BETTER when at 9:30 pm I said to the West Coast attny I was working with, "Hey I am proud of my work on this one... I thought it took me along time, but when we went over my draft it took you just as long as it took me so I guess that wasn't that bad after all"
Which TOTALLY CRACKED ME UP!
And YES it made me feel SO GOOD in that moment!
I am NOT the only one.
In fact, some of the most incredible, amazing, productive, hard working, workaholic, detail oriented and dedicated attorneys I know ALSO fall into a project with such zeal and focus that they TOO lose track of time when caught up in their work.
That is the reason I run late.
Its the HYPER-FOCUS when working and tuning out everything else.
When stressed I get MORE Hyper-focused and that workaholic tendency comes out with zeal, and a bit of obsession that is hard to stop.
Working is CALMING for me.
I so HATE doing the dull, routine things that don't require thought.
Maybe its also because I just ENJOY the process of working with others. We have been working so much more individualistically of late in my group I think.
I think I thrive on interaction with others so enjoyed a bit more interaction with others than I currently have at work.
Off to sleep.