2010-06-12 - 8:58 a.m.
Today's lesson on being aware of the manipulative psycological tactics of an abuser is on DOUBLE SPEAK.
It is often helpful to have a concrete example in order to understand a concept. (Thankfully I work with some amazing people who tend to chime in and re-write my verbous theoretical legal issue spotting e-mails into SHORT, SUCCINCT examples that the clients we serve can actually digest and make sense of. So this entry is practice for me in an area I would like improvement in !)
I will start with the example, and then the analysis AFTERWARDS.
Last night I drove to pick up girls,admittedly 15 minutes late. I got there, did not see them, drove home and heard a message left shortly prior at 7:19 from their Dad that they were waiting. I drove back and picked them up and was told "They have a baseball game tomorrow at 8:30 at the A Community Center.
The phone rang this AM and it was Dad, offering to pick them up which of course I said NO to as the field is a 6-10 minute walk, all SIDEWALKS with only two side streets to cross in OUR NEIGHBORHOOD which I was happy to live in as it is the walking neighborhood for the local school and community center.
Then he said " The game is at B" (Different Location) and then he said
Got off the phone. KNEW to do that WHICH ONE MUST DO WITH AN EMOTIONALLY AND PSYCOLOGICALLY ABUSIVE MANIPULATOR WHICH IS IGNORE ALL COMMUNICATION
Seriously That is ignore all BUT ESSENTIAL COMMUNICATION
and I continued to the web site which I REALLY was about to look at. Confirmed the game is at A COMMUNITY CENTER which is where the girls thought it was, and where Dad said it was last night.
And what I heard and passed on to girls regarding the phone call was "That was lovely that your Dad called to offer you a ride, but its such a lovely day and a short walk of course Its just not necessary"
And I DID not go to see if there was forwarded an e-mail from Coach (as I KNOW it is NON EXISTANT)
Interesting however that as I did convey the information that I had BEEN ON THE SITE, so really called the Bluff withough words to specifically say so- that was implicit that I would KNOW HE WAS FULL OF CRAP, the phone rang AGAIN and this time he corrected the misinformation
That is the BEST part of double speak. If you call the bluff you ARE STILL ATTACKED SOMEHOW.
Better question for me is why do I bother answering the phone when it is time to go anywere? I don't need the distraction.
I can make enough mistakes about locations on my own without someone HOPING to lead me astray!
DOUBLE Speak is the verbal abuse tactic of giving TWO OPPOSING DIRECTIVES and then setting up the situation that if the LISTENER does not follow through it is THEIR FAULT for having misunderstood; as there is an abilty to then cite ONLY THE ONE STRING OF COMMUNICATION and completely PRETEND that THE OTHER DID NOT HAPPEN.
It is a VERY Effective technique of manipulation IF there is a listener who tends to TRY TO PLEASE OTHERS and IS EASILY LED, or is DEPENDANT ON THE OTHER IN SOME WAY.
I however have learned long ago of this technique, and have therfore learned to protect myself by being INDEPENDENT to the degree necessary.
COMPLETE INDEPENDENDCE is the BEST DEFENSE, but not always possible if the person succumbing to this tactic is a co-worker or a family member that you must interact with.
Now I am going to the GAME to watch the girls play as siblings are now ready. I let them take their time while I wrote this AM.
I am going to the GAME at the field it is REALLY AT.
Because I did not succumb to false trust, or manipulation or lying of the one who intentionally wanted to lead me elsewhere this AM.
If this didn't happen OFTEN, I would then Believe it was just an error.
I KNOW OTHERWISE.
And fortunate that I do, as it doesn't work with me.
Now in this case if I went to FIELD B he would say he told me it was at Community Center A, and he would have had the WITNESSESS of the girls who were PRESENT THEN for that communication to confirm and validate that I am off my rocker....