2010-07-05 - 6:15 p.m.

I am happy to be in my new home!

Pocohantas really just rocked at getting the place organized!

Not done yet, but it is remarkable how we fit all our combined stuff into this home!
It is a nice four bedroom, three and a half bathroom- and is a wonderful space.

The thing is that is is 1000 feet smaller than the home we moved FROM. So that was a logistical feat in downsizing.

I just read and article on the record lows of 30 year fixed mortgages, and am proud that the mortgage rate I received is a full half percentage rate LOWER than the average.

My motgate broker and realtor just did awesome work for me!

Which is why when I met my realtor (who was my friend first) and other friends last night to watch fireworks I was surprised to hear her say she is throwing in the towel as a real estate agent.

She was fed up with all the FEES that she had to pay to keep her liscence active. After all her hard work the past few months to find a place, then getting one and closing on it, the return for her is so little that it really is not worth her time.

She has a 9-5 job and is going to rely on that for a change after seven years of working as a real estate agent at a local office.

That is a little disappointing to hear. Its sad to hear how hard it is for her, someone who served me SO WELL, to make a living at something she enjoyed doing and did well!

Back to work. I have a proposal due tomorrow AM that was given to me on Friday. I was GLAD for this project thrown my way and enjoyed hyperfocused getting lost in "FLOW" on it on Sat for most of the day. (Friend commented at one point "Do you know you have been working for 13 hours straight now?"

I had NO IDEA! I LOVE THAT! I love nothing more than having work I enjoy getting into which is challenging and fun and pushes my limits to preform and then getting totally ENGROSSED in it.

Problem is, that in the cubicle environment with simpler, routine tasks, I just FIGHT SLEEP and don't get that motivational drive. I TRY SO DARN HARD and then the routine work is not done consistenly well. I make small errors...etc...
(or big ones! LOL... not really though)

The other problem however is that sometimes people think I havebn't followed through when I have. I realize I take the FALL GUY role and take accountability as SOMEONE HAS TO and it seems more efficient to do so and then move on. I have just so lost the desire to ARGUE over ANYTHING anymore.

Maybe that is an unhealthy state of giving up.

I am realizing I have done that lately- even at work.

I took the lump and apologized for somehting being not done. I said "It is very likley I SAID I would pick that up and then I forgot to do so."

I later realized that was not accurate. I looked through my files and e-mail and realize I never did so.

But that's OK, everyone needs to save fact sometimes, and if someone has a need to do so I don't really care if I am the fall guy.

Because the truth is, I am also just OVERJOYED to have REAL WORK to do that is valuable and also FUN and challenging and I can do WELL by then picking up the pieces over the weekend to wrap it up.

So I am doing so.

OK Getting motivated to finish and continue to do so...

After the marathon of working on SAt, I stopped around 1pm on Sun to then enjoy the holiday. Swimming, picnic and fireworks were lovely.
I then relaxed with a movie last night and my date who I likely disappointed when I went home after the movie and wasn't amorous as I think he would have liked.

I just am not there.

I mean its really hard for me to consider a romance WITH ANYONE RIGHT NOW

The fact he is wonderful and availble, interested man doesn't make it any more appealing to me as right now

I AM NOT READY

and to be honest, my heart is aching over my Marine being hurt in the hospital.

I really did expect him to be here visiting at some point over this weekend. We hadn't codified plans, but that was OK cause we most often DON't Until the last moment.

I understand that... its his issue of fear of commitment as well as mine. And the choice we both have made to enjoy our friendship/ relationship for what it has been which is one WITHOUT ANY THOUGHT Of any serious commitment.

But that reality doesn't make it any less hard at missing his companionship and company and friendship and knowing he was likely going to be here this weekend with me for a while.

So its a weird thing to have other people here wanting to spend time with me in support. One offered to drive me to the hospital if I wanted-- I said NO as only family are allowed in ICU and I think it would be an intrusion.

If his daugher or family calls and wants me there, that would be different. I told his neice that if anyone needs support and there are not enough family or friends to offer it to his sister in particular just call me. Not sure if I CAN HELP but would be willing to offer what help I can.

I just so enjoy the time with him and the nurturing of his friendship that now it is a bit of a grieving I am going to be going through, along with his family - at least for a bit, as we don't know yet if the Marine as we know him as, is with us any longer or not.

I am glad to have spent time with his family and that they talked with me on the phone to give me the update, but I will not bother them with calling and am leaving them alone out of courtousy.

So its hard not KNOWING what is going on.

And knowing I HAVE things to take care of here at home.

I have to take care of my own responsibilites and there is not much I can do for my friend now in ICU, or for his daughter and the rest of his family.

Funny thing is, that I had a dinner date at Magnolia's just a few weeks ago. I had gotten home to call my virtual boyfriend and left him what was a rather funny message along the lines of

"Damn you! I miss you! I AM NOT SUPPOSED TO MISS YOU AND THINK OF YOU EVERY DAY! That is just NOT FAIR"

He did laugh.

The last time I had gone to Magnolias was when he worked in Quantico for training of a group preparing for deplyment. The crew was taking a bus that Friday in April back up to Buffalo and he had to be there the next AM for weapons inspection. He was the inspector/instructor for that deployment prep.

He drove his truck and took a detour to pick me up on that Friday night and take me out to dinner.

It was a WONDERFUL night!

I enjoyed time with him and then I WENT BACK TO WORK! I had a proposal due that Mon AM I HAD TO FINISH.

the dinner break in struggling to meet a deadline was so relazing and energizing at the same time. I went back to my office at 10pm happy as a clam to work till the wee hours with the peace and quiet uninterrupted.

He made it to Buffalo for his inpection in the AM, happy to have time with me.

So when I had a date with a very AVAILABLE MAN HERE in VA a few weeks later, and we decided he would pick the restaraunt and he picked the SAME ONE I was just at weeks earlier...

well, that date just made me miss my Virtual boyfriend Marine.

And truth is I have been missing him ever since.

Which is NOT FAIR.

I told him when I called and left the funny message that I wasn't suppose to miss him.

I was supposed to enjoy time with him WHENEVER we get it, and likewise, enjoy time away and not think of him unless our paths cross...

But we do connect on the phone a few days a week and that was enough for me, to have that support of his relationship from afar, and the knowledge this man has fear of commitment issues and I TOO DO NOT WANT to have a man in my life who is looking to be a husband and father.

My kids all have a father, and I am not too keen on the idea of a husband after two divorces.

I would rather work on being secure and having a stable home as a single mom and enjoy a man to date and treat me well once in a while.

The Virtual Boyfriend did that beautifully!!!

OH well...
NOw its just a weird , weird shift to accept the reality of the car accident and his being hurt.

I so hope he heals and gets better.

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