2010-07-10 - 6:03 a.m.
I was served some papers LAST Friday at the transition, and thought they were for me to appear as a witness. I found it odd... I mean I am a party, and they were for the benefit of each kid. But I figured "goofy process"
It occurred to me subpeanoas were supposed to be filed by a deadline (I think) of something like perhaps 14 or 21 days before a trial. I thought that was irrelevant as I am a PARTY,so obviously still compelled to show up.
So it was with surprise that I actually read the documents upon finding them in my car mid week (when going to work looking for my work badge, which incidentally was RIGHT WHERE I LEFT it on a hook- but just buried by a bag so I didn't see it), to discover they were soubpenas of
I was appalled.
I mean who thinks it in the interest of kids under age 10 to be coached to say unkind things aboout their Mother, and then coached to say a script from another adult and then asked to be brought into COURT to say the scripted prepared lines??
I however had the thought yesterday that the girls DO HAVE AN ATTORNEY
But to then find out she met them and not only brought them to court to "visit" but didn't even engage in any conversation and ask them what they REALLY THINK just BAFFLES ME!
So clear that she is wearing the hat of my EX's attorney. Which was clear the moment his attorney asked for HER APPOINTMENT years ago and years ago she DID NOT FOLLOW UP ON CONTACTING THE 12 FOLKS I NOT ONLY PHONED AND LEFT NAMES AND NUMBERS FOR, BUT FAXED AND ALSO E-MAILED TO HER
And apparent when years ago she visited our home just WEEKS AFTER having moved back in (with only the stint of staying with the neighbor in the safe home interrupting that unpacking) so the place WAS NOT YET ORGANIZED as we were UNPACKING
I distinctly recall the boxes then left cardbord "dust" or debri on the carpet when we were moving them and opening and closing and I was shocked then that all she could say about our home after her visit then was that I was not ORGANIZED and it was CLUTTERED and there were "dishes in the sink and on the counter" and "laundry laying around"
I mean she showed up at 8:30AM while THE GIRLS were in the middle of making pancakes and had the nerve to be critical I didn't have a prisine kitchen?
AT the time all I could think of was Victor flipping out that there was flour on the wall after the girls were SO PROUD of having just MADE HOMEMADE BREAD!!
Great Farmer Friend, and I will crack the wheat and make our homemade flour as well while I am at it.
I lit into him and gave him my martial advice for the day
"DON"T EVER TELL YOUR WIFE "SHOULD!"
THAT IS WHY SHE IS ANGRY AT YOU PERPETAULLY YOU don't KNOW YOU DO IT, BUT YOU CRITICIZE A HALF DOZEN TIMES IN THE 5 Minutes you TRY To help someone.
I was pleased to run into the friend at Giant. I had big plans of walking to the store for a FEW GROCERIES
5 minutes with the narcissist gentleman farmer friend who of course is a tech guru that is SO MUCH LIKE MY EX was enough to remind me
1) Why I got a divorce and
YES I called the visiting friend to be sure it worked. It did
I asked "A recording? Not in SERVICE?"
He ALSO Said that when dialing my work # it DID NOT GO TO VOICE MAIL
Not a surprise, I have heard this before from my parents and friends who for days can't get through at all.
My theory, substantiated by the fact when I needed the ONE E-MAIL that had a # NEEDED for a SOUTHWEST REFUND that I DID NOT DELETE but which was nowhere to be found, nor ANY of the e-mails about that cancelled trip itineray which would ALSO DO ...
is that my lines and my computer and my e-mail ARE NEVER, NOR EVER WILL BE SECURE
One I have accepted with peace years ago.
But I grow weary of this nonsense.
I mean it was a bit much to get a message from EVERY place I called regarding rentals "NOT IN SERVICE" or "THIS NUMBER HAS BEEN DISCONNECTED" when I called from home months ago.
I then made calls from work to the SAME numbers and they worked.
So I just figure the ONE e-mail reaching out to a dude who was a FRIEND in law school who now is an expert on FORENSIC PYCHOLOGY and written a number of articles on the utility (or rather lack thereof) of using such as a tool in custody battles, just might have something to do with what I am sure is recent disruption of my communications systems. IF he calls me and reaches out he will not get through. Ce la vie....
"Hey, I don't need HELP to have disruption of my commmunication-- I can do that NATURALLY all on my own !"
I mean if one cares about their kids, why wouldn't they want to HELP anyone who loves and cares for their kids rather than ATTACK??
They are CHILD CENTERED.
TO me, the fact of bringing kids into court to testify against a parent IS ANYTHING BUT CHILD CENTERED
When the real issues HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THE CHILDREN but are really just one parent's attack of the other, I SEE that as
CONTROL AND MANIPULATION OF AN ABUSER
Now the LAW GUARDIAN has been a tool used and manipulated in the PSYCOLOGICAL ABUSE OF MY CHILDREN
Think about it,
Be open to the notion
EVEN IF YOU ARE NOT 100% CONVINCED:
If there is EVEN THE REMOTEST POSSIBILITY THAT CHILDREN HAVE BEEN MANIPULATED AND COACHED
WHY would ANYONE THEN WANT THEM TO GO TO COURT???
IF IN FACT there is a shift in custody (worst case scenario) one just MAY have played into the FARCE that the kids HAD SOME POWER And SOMETHING TO DO WITH THAT ACTUAL OUTCOME
Can you imagine the psycological burden that would then shift SO IRRESPONSIBLY onto the CHILDREN???
They are going to think (no matter WHAT THE OUTCOME) that they had SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT
Now I mean WHAT IF THE COURT DEEMS THEIR DAD ABSOLUTELY PSYCOLOGICALLY ABUSIVE!
What if considering his failure to follow our custody arrangement, violation of the existing order on a couple of occassions such that I was compelled to have the police ENFORCE MY ORDER to have my kids with me, and
I mean the list of psycologically abusive moments goes on and on...
However, I don't think the girls need to be in COURT to testify to his abuse for the law guardian to have seen it; particularlly as there have a been a number of witnessess that were soubpouned who can testify to such. I envision this going very much the way the protective order went. He called all these witnessess in on his behalf, and I envision one after the other testifying to his norm which the REST OF THE WORLD finds appaling abusive. So I haven't called any. I think,as in the protective order hearing, that reality EVENTUALLY is demnostrated and letting people show themselves is much better than telling a story about them to another. So I will show myself as I am: With honestly as always. I might be late, I might be implusive. Heck I might even exhibt some of the WORST ADHD or PTSD symptoms I ever have. SO BE IT. Those WILL NOT, NOR SHOULD EVER BE GROUNDS FOR SEVERING MY RIGHT TO RAISE MY CHILDREN. He might show his nature of being a good man with a temper that has issues of control and anger. SO BE IT. I still maintain those are not reasons to sever his right to parent his children. I don't have to be around his anger; he doesn't have to be around my disorganization and at times confusion and being overwealmed. SO BE IT. That is why we got a divorce. But as two imperfect parents it seems even ludicrous that custody battles stil happen in this day and age. SO WEIRD. They are so clearly NOT ABOUT THE KIDS. They rarely really ARE about the kids, but most often the court is a tool for one parent to use in their bitter attack at the other WHO THEY STILL MUST LOVE TO STILL BE HURT! SO SAD SOME HAVE TROUBLE MOVING ON. YOU CANT BE BITTER AND ANGRY IF YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT SOMEONE! Its funny but anyone who hears of this just says he is having a hard time getting over my leaving and is still in the ANGER stage of his grief. Perhaps. Maybe someday he will go to a counselour who is NOT a lawyer. Infinately cheaper and a better investment in my eyes. But so is a housecleaner if you are worried about the other parents housekeeping ability, a tutor if you are worried about the other parent's supervision of homework, and a driver if you are so upset the kids are late to school by 5 minutes once or twice a month. So common sense tells me this case is NOT About those issues of concern. There are more efficient and more cost effective ways of responding to those concerns. MAke no mistake: IT IS ABOUT A DESIRE FOR CONTROL and A DESIRE TO PUNISH S
I don't think the girls have to be in court to REPEAT his MANTRAS and HIS MESSAGES for the law guardian and court to see they are repeating an adult's concerns. I don't hink anyone has to talk to them long to realize the grievances are mostly YEARS Old, but for the few RECENT ones which were contrived or coached and happened right after his encouragement.
Anyone who listens hears them say "Mommy doesn't love me because she doesn't SPANK ME. IF you don't spank , you are not loving"
Anyone who pays MORE ATTENTION asks further questions to try to discern what their FATHER's DEFINITION OF SPANK is.
I will never forget the NY COUNSELOR WHO POSED The question of my EX
"WHAT IS VIOLENCE TO YOU?"
as his methods of "spanking" and discipline were not akin to violence.
Westley walked out of that office, after the exasperated question
as I think the answer really was
"I DON'T KNOW"
His response to me was the heart of the matter.
The man DOES NOT RECOGNIZE VIOLENCE as it IS HIS NORM.
We have all me those yellers who say
And you were not beating your kids, you were just diciplining them- SPANKING THEM.
OOPS EX HUSBAND
I have stood resolate and firm that I will take NO PART IN AN ATTACK OF ANYONE
My children or otherwise.
But to think that anyone who purports to care about children will even ALLOW THEM To be manipulated in such a destructive manner just astounds me.
I thought the law guardian was off her rocker to send me inquirys just weeks before the custody battle asking me to call to set up a time to see her with the kids. I mean, I reached out THE MOMENT I GOT HER FIRST LETTER and left a message INVITING HER TO MY HOME.
I talked with her on three occassions since them saying "COME TO MY HOME, COME TO A BASEBALL GAME The weeks the girls are with me and then the weeks they are with DAD and OBSERVE the difference. Observe happy loving normal kids, and then observe when they are with him how they HISS at their Mother and mouth "I HATE YOU" "
She never took me up on the offer.
I am a bit furious at the farce
And there was little point in having her visit our OLD home post move, nor the new home in the process of getting situated. I mean the last round let me know there was no point in that.
I have been here all of 8 days total.
8 days in our new home.
We moved in together the last THU that the girls were with me. That was the first night we slept in our new home.
They had two mornings in our new home and this will be their first week in the new home.
So she can give me a break for not having called her.
I have to find her letters which angered me, and she can be the FOURTH PERSON I CALL from my new home.
I left a message for KAthryn and Daniel on their cell phones hoping caller ID left the #.
I called their Dad to give the # from a neighbor's cell and passed on that contact info for redundancy.
She can give me a break. My parents know enough to do so. They have common sense to not expect me to call or expect me to invite visitors THE FIRST TWO WEEKS of moving in and getting settled.
And really how freakin dirty and unhabitable can a place be when one moved into a brand new clean empty home that was prepared for market and jsut bought?
Commmon sense would dictate that there is NO NEED to seem my new four bedroom three and a half bedroom home to KNOW it is SUITABLE For RAISING CHILDREN IN.
Its a standard US HOME.
Excessive, lovely, and more than anyone really needs but yes luxurious.
A lovely space
I just get irritated when I think of this farce of visiting homes in Suburban America and the amount of time, money and scrutiny we place on such farces.
I have photos of a DIRT HOME with a TIN ROOF and a LOVELY HAPPY FAMILY in the BARRIO of Mexico City.
I have photos of the PRIDE of the MOMMA with her kitchen in that barrio.
I have photos of the blue eyes dog the GRANPA mechanic proudly showed me.
I have photos of the GREASED UP 10 year old mechanic whos hands WERE NOT knotted with arthritis and who was young and agile who was PROUD to be the primary breadwinner for that family that lived in all of 200 square feet puncuated by the SHOP that proudly services cars that made their way into the barrio.
I wonder if the law guardian ever notices those on my bathroom walls and if there was any thought in response to my photographs.
I doubt it.
Just like she never once has looked at me and REALLY seen me.