2010-07-15 - 6:53 a.m.

I have to admidt that Pocohontas was correct in her prodding of me over the past years to do things like make COPIES of the projects and homework the girls did at my house.

I refused to live a life in fear and preparation for attack.

But she was dead on that I was being set up for the allegation to be made that I do not foster education of the girls.

Not like I didn't KNOW the sabatogue was going on.

But it got draining to have to find out what homework assignments were taken OUT of Friday folders intentionally not passed onto me.

It got draining to have to manage the fact communication was THWARTED

It was somewhat EMBARASSING to even think of exposing the dysfunction of a parent who has SO ACTIVELY been attacking me.

So truth is, there is only one thing I ever tried to protect others from knowing:

I have consistently tried to NOT EXPOSE the depths and levels of manipulation and interference in the success of the girls when with me.

But it was shocking to me, despite the expectation of it, to sit in a court and hear the argument woven together (after years of prep) for me to hear a TEACHER , not only one but TWO who were CONVINCED that I do not support the girls education and their Father does.

I recalled the FIRST WEEK of kindergarten when my nanny and the little one worked on homework. I don't know why I can still so vividy see that colored SUN and that word YELLOW which my daughter drew-- even in my dreams.

I awoke the past few nights thinking
"I dreamed of the sun"
and thinking "The sun is pleasant, so how can I be dreaming about it but not having a positive feeling"

I didn't RECALL The dreams fully...only that I am having recurring dreams of THE SUN.

Only this morn do I realize I must be dreaming of that first instance of manipulation of the girls success in school when with me.

It was the third week of school when I saw a commmunication log in which the girls DAD wrote that he spend the weekend "catching up" doing homework, and which was MOST UPSETTING, the TEACHER RESPONDED in some way AFFIRMING as if the child did not do her work the week with me.

This happened the very first week of school.

I wrote a scathing e-mail in response.

Then an apology as I recognized to convey FURY to her , a teacher and to tell her of the manipulation only would affect my relationship with the teacher.

That was the first communication I had had with her: A WARNING that a mirage had been created and that before she put in writing any affirmation of that mirage please confirm the reality of that accusation prior to an assumption of its truth and response in kind.

She didn't really listen or pay attention to the warning, but rather took away from that e-mail something about me.

I tried in the 2nd to rectify that, swallow my pride I decided then and there NOT TO EVER AGAIN discuss the manipulation that I knew has been going on for YEARS with the school. And I HAVE NOT.

Which is why it is baffling to me to hear it said I have "Talked to anyone possible about ....."

whatever the attorney of my husband claimed I did to falsley malign his reputation.

Its so very sad as the reality is this Dad who so loves his kids did not ALLOW their Mother to ever enroll them in an activity successfully. If I enrolled them, he would not support or bring them.

He refused to bring them to Brownies.

It just so weird that his narcissitic control and lack of support of anything initiated or suggested by ME has been used to craft a pattern and then create the mirage that I am uninvolved with the girls.

HE REFUSED to bring them to Religious Ed the year I enrolled them.

He in fact refused to bring Sadie to her First Communion!

That year I SENT AN E-MAIL INVITING HIS FAMILY-- I reached out to his sister to be sure HIS FAMILY knew of the First Communion.

I knew of the sabatogue, so my family learned LONG AGO NOT TO TRAVEL to encounter the pain. He managed to disrupt EVERY family function with some drama, or not bringing a child, etc...

So we all knew better than to make travel plans.

But what NO ONE expected was that Sadie would not BE AT HER FIRST COMMUNION AS SCHEDULED WITH HER CLASS

He had brought her the night before HIMSELF in the dress I bought for her,
and at 2pm the Saturday of the planned "joyous" occassion I fought back tears in the church where I was again being psycologically abused in a manner so effective, yet in a manner in which no one else could see the overt attack in the moment.

Its hard to NOT BECOME Utterly desensitized and YES ANGRY after years of having to cope in managing such personal attacks over and over and over again.

Interestingly it was the MONTH before the custody battle that I stopped taking my medication for ADHD out of a NEED and my Doctor's order "YES IMMEDIATELY STOP IT! We will wait a month and see if something else works"

I did keep taking the medication for PTSD but that month of June was the worst yet for me.

Actually, the spiral occured the moment I walked in the Domestic Court for that hearing on Truancy.

What I have been AFRAID to write about is just how much the fear and post tramatic moments HAVE affected me. I think I have dabbled with that here, but not with complete honesty.

Some things are hard to even write about.

Some things are hard to even think about.

Some things are best forgotten in my estimate... if one can ever forget.

Problem is, I have wondered if I ever WILL BE ABLE TO FORGET those moement of absolute terror.

The hardest thing was the experience of remembering some things I was actually BLESSED to HAVE FORGOTTEN whic for some reason did come flooding back upon entering that court and seeing Pam Brooks.

Last thing I had expected.

Here I thought I would be FINE going before her. She is a woman who has won accolades for her work with domestic violence.

I am sure it gives my Ex strange satisfaction to have encouraged the school in believing that I am an unfit abusive mother such that they have enforced that one law in order to exert control over me.

Truth is, that law is NOT applied to MOST PARENTS who are regularly 5 mintutes late. There are children at Lincoln AS LATE AS ME-- I know as I SEE THE PARENTS. It is enforced and court action taken ONLY WHEN there are OTHER CONCERNS and that is the only was the strong arm of the law can reach into a home.

I overheard two truant officers talking of that very fact- that they TOLD CPS there was nothing they could do to help as that particular child of concern was not even tardy! SHE had a stellar attendance record.

But it is sad to then hear the tautological argument made-

that a custody action is brought forth on grounds of the lateness to school that was so bad the school felt compelled to take legal action.

When the reality is, my Ex compelled the school to legal action in prepartation for his custody case.

Both were done IN TANDEM.

And while it is GREAT that the school wants to HELP children, it is sad that they make their decisions NOT ON FACTS and THEIR OWN experiences, but like children their impressions can be affected by BELIEFS based on WHAT IS HEARESAY.

I am baffled that teachers can have opinions that are not consistent with their experiences.

I forgot to ask the Psycologist about that... The one who testified had actually made a comment about that, how the teacher's assessment of Katies BEHAVIOUR (which DID show issues of not being at all social, having trouble with transition from one activity to another, an obsessiveness (which of course can be GOOD!), a defiance in insisting on doing things her own way)- ALL SHOWED up on the questionaire of behaviors exhibited, but then the teacher's IMPRESSIONS and DESCRIPTIONS of how they VIEW KATIE was not congruent with how they actally filled out behavior assessment tools.

The Psycologist had made that comment to me that it was somewhat perplexing.

I FORGOT to inquiry about that to her.

In any case, it just baffles me that I could be critizied in my so called lack of educational support.

When Katie was studying Native American Indians, Pocohantas took her on a one on one outing to the Native American Smithsonian museum.

When Raitlin was studying MEXICO, I not only was thrilled to assist her with her Project (as always) I excitedly sent her in with some of my things FROM MEXICO and wrote my friends there asking them to send postcard to her class. We ate Mexican food at home and listened to music and celebrated that moment of learning in our home.

When the kids are studying science, we go to the Smithsonian Nature Center or the Museum of NATURAL HIstory to find the interactive displays that are relevent to the subject matter at hand.

I mean, it is so WEIRD to hear some mirage of me not supporting education of children!

Truth is I am a bit quirky in my total IMMERSION and support of such *Typically!

So the fact I don't go INTO the school but we do this AT HOME makes me sad that the school THINKS they can judge me and has just chosen to have blinders on and chosen to NOT SEE ME.

I am SO TIRED of the added effort.

It IS DRAINING to have to play catch up. That was testified to (as if DAD had to do that)

For me it has been a draining extra effort to find the information about assigments that CONSISTENLY got pulled from a Friday folder BEFORE it was sent home with the girls.

For me it has been the draining communication, as one with ADHD who NATURALLY will let SOMETHING occassionally fall through a crack (I ADMIDT THAT ONCE THIS YEAR WE DID FORGET ABOUT AN ASSIGMENT- IT WAS THIS JUNE, but it was not the one on an African Animal that WAS DONE in my home and only God now can be witness to what happened to that project that was done and sent in from my home! I mean it was done in PCA... Oh yeah... I forgot that! There is a witness....but I didn't soupena her. Ce la vie....)

WHAT HAPPENED to all the work done in my home sent in??

I never wanted to believe anyone would ACTIVELY thwart a child's well being of their relationship with another parent by actually REMOVING a child's work BEFORE it was handed in so the teacher never received it.

But I wonder now if I was mistaken in my belief a parent WOULD NOT GO THAT FAR.

Maybe Pocohontas WAS RIGHT.

I wanted her to be wrong.

I argued AGAINST the possibility of such overt manipulation and I argued against the possibility anyone could successfully brainwash children.

Sadly, I think in my optimism of wanting to see the good, in this case, my Rose Colored Glasses may have NOT SERVED ME WELL.

We shall see. For the fact is there was another Mirage created: Interestingly much of the legal case I just heard over three days focused on this defensive posture of attesting to how the girls Father is NOT ABUSIVE.

I find that interesting, as the point of fact is that I HAVE NOT raised any premise that their Father HAS BEEN ABUSIVE at this juncture.

So why the strong emphasis on that rebuttle of a premise I did not set forth?

I argued in court, THAT IN FACT was the WHOLE MOTIVATION FOR THIS CASE:

Westley's desire to vidicate and clear his name; and the age old tactic of attacking the "OTHER" * whomever the other who is a good target, has been employed, just like a Bully does, to pick on the smaller guy in order to feel good and build up oneself.

Trouble is, sadly , that NEVER WORKS.

NO matter how much one tries, their anger and their discontent and their OWN LACK OF PEACE and happiness will remain- as it is NEVER about any OTHER.

It is within.

And until one is open to really looking at themself, and seeking HEALING of SELF- that state of discontent and unhappiness with EVERYONE AROUND THEM NOT BEING GOOD ENOUGH, WILL ALWAYS REMAIN.

For that is the most destructive transference and deception of all.

In the end, when one does that- the only one REALLY deceived, is your self.

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