2010-08-03 - 8:22 a.m.
I will indulge in 15 minutes of writing only this AM as I have to get to work.
Although super nanny is up and chatty so I may lose my train of thought and not last that long.
She is cleaning out the fridge which is awesome.
While riding the bus to work the other morn I happened to sit next to a NOVA student who held a paper in his lap entitled "The effects of divorce on children"
I talked with him and think my lead in was, "I think we all know they are negative effects. Are there ANY positives that turned up in your reseach?"
To which he laughed and said "No! I picked it as I thought it would be an easy topic"
He did have 25 pages well researched to support his thesis.
I recalled upon waking the first time the mirage of my parents being perfect was shattered for me.
The thing is, for a healthy self concept kids NEED to grow with that mirage. It is what makes them feel SECURE.
I am CONVINCED of that.
That is the reason you look at some who talk of their wonderful parents, and their marvelous DAD or MOM - as adults who are happy and productive and healthy, but when you meet that wonderful Dad or Mom and objectively look at the reality can then see that truly wonderful DAD or Mom was
Fill in the blank with whatever comes to mind...
Its the same story...
It doesn't matter what the human imperfection :
I mean it doesn't matter WHAT the terrible things are that are the REALITY of that parent.
Some grow with an idealized view and take that idealized view into the world- and here is the surprising thing:
Those kids then take that view as their aspiration and expectation as well as vision of who THEY ARE TO BE.
Studies also show that optimists, and happy achievers OFTEN are those who look at the world as a beautiful place with the glass half full waiting to be filled more with something wonderful.
There is a fabulous book called the Optimistic Child that talks of IMMUNIZING our children against depression and feeling beat down, and in fact training the brain to view the world optimistically.
The outlook one takes makes all the difference in how one functions and succeed- and here is the most important part- how one is HAPPY in the world they are in or not.
Because happiness, most of all, is an inner state.
So I am resolute that for my girls it is best that I do not talk, act or even THINK NEGATIVE thoughts in relation to their Father.
And it is imperative that I DO NOT ENGAGE in any attempts to pull me into the dysfunction of focus on attacks of me.
It is imperative that I remain HEALTHY AND OPTIMISTIC AND HAPPY
So its disappointing that now a law guardian and the attorney for Dad have filed yet another motion and are STILL not done with the attack of me.
Sadly the wisest attorney (and the first one I ever hired who represented in the matter of a protective order) was the one who turned down the divorce case four YEARS AGO with the words:
"I have seen the likes of him before: He is a con artist, and he is convincing. He will not give up until he feels he has taken EVERYTHING from you. His whole goal is to destroy you and he will keep on trying. He won't ever give up- so there is really no point"
I was insistant he was WRONG that I could not be destroyed.
But I realize Both of us were correct-- both that wise attorney, in relation to the case- and me.
As I haven't been destroyed, or compromised and I am proud that I have protected my children for their furture in the BEST WAY POSSIBLE.
Regardless of how he acts and how much their Dad tries to erode the relationship with me and does damage to the children's self concept in the process-
I have SUCCCEEDED in protecting THEIR RELATIONSHIP WITH THEIR FATHER which is pivotal in their well being and sense of wholeness and peace and happiness.
He is doing enough damage to them
I can't stop that, but I can mitigate the effects by remaining strong and not getting pulled into the dysfuntion and
Even if he is going to attempt to erode the relationship with me...
I am PROUD to look at their loving relationship with their DAD and know
I HAVE DONE WELL.
For that will carry them through with some sense of feeling OK.
And I think they will get over their learned fear of the world- their anxiety at being a minute late , their anxiety at entering a hospital as he has brainwashed them it is a place that harms kids and takes them away from their family, and their anxiety at not trusting strangers... or books from the library that might have GERMS... or
WHATEVER learned behaviors they pick up along the way from him.
They WILL Evenetually 0vercome those.
But it would be MUCH harder to overcome a deeper wound of believing that BOTH your parents really don't love and care about you.
They KNOW that I love and care about them
And they clearly also KNOW That about their FATHER.
Which, in the end--- is really ALL THAT MATTERS for their well being in the long run.