2010-12-19 - 7:03 p.m.
I hate when I spend an hour writing and somehow lose the entry!
Edited abbreviated version:
Friend Rocks - He Finished 30,000 of writing for NANOWRMO; took me as date to kickin office party; dancing afterward was a blast
I ROCK! I Ran a 5 K yesterday 37:18 WHOO HOOOO!!
"Boyfriend" Rocks---Brought me the loviest roses today; and a key finder for misplaced keys as well as offered me to drive his NEW TRUCK when the kids were MIA. HE bought himself the truck YESTERDAY! WOW I mean I think I really did upgrade with this one. I was honored the last one loaned me his old truck for camping, but to be offered keys to a 2011 that is 24 hours new to the man is really a sign of him either having incredible character or being a little crazy (Considering MY driving record !! There is a reason I insist on keeping the tank of a Volvo running as it has been crash tested and passed the safety test a number of times.) .
OK That was a REAL hard one to write, but I did it. I can't CALL him my boyfriend; that has TOO MUCH commitment and expectation...
but I can't call him my "Virtual boyfriend" as that role and title is TAKEN!! ( And very well I might add, the expert Virtual Boyfriend is now officially the virtual boyfriend of a FEW women as they are hilariously coming out of the woodwork on FB and write posts that make it APPEAR there are closer relationships than REALLY exist. So when I visit the hospital his sister and he tell me about each and the reality and they laugh at the incongruency)
OK, avoiding even talking of the man I have been seeing ... who wants to be called boyfriend
We had a nice chat about expectations and dating.
He chooses to NOT consider it a "date" if I "Go out with a friend" as in his view we all need friends, and should enjoy the healthy freedom to do that whenever we want regardless of gender, and the friend being male or female.
AS he articulated he believes once romantically involved in FIDELITY and RESPECT and that one doesn't cross that boundary of respecting another's relationship or they are not someone of character one would really want as a friend anyway, so he figures not to worry about things like me going to friend's Christmas Party and dancing with him til 4AM
That's great..
I am happy about that perspective.
Its the calling me "girlfriend" that makes me cringe.
Not EXACTLY sure why...but it does.
Its the having met his MOTHER that makes me cringe a bit..
The hope I will join the family over Thanksgiving and then Christmas...etc..
that makes me cringe, and yet then when I didn't have OTHER plans I DID enjoy a lovely Thanksgiving at his Mother's.
I alwasys DO ENJOY TIME WITH HIM; but the thing is I think I value TIME WITH MYSELF ALONE at this point more.
And not just me alone... I value the building of OTHER FRIENDSHIPS.
I still think that just doesn't happen AS WELL, once one is in a committed relationship- whether it is dating, or marriage- I don't think it makes a difference.
I think that is just semantics.
The reality is that if one starts ACTING MARRIED in every respect, then what is the difference what it is called?
So it makes me CRINGE when I mention that I am doing something to fix my house and I have to set the boundary that I DO NOT WANT his assistance and that I expect him to NOT TAKE ON MY ISSUES.
But then balance that desire for independent responsibility and not wanting to be in a relationship with my neighbor out of CONVIENIENCE as it is so EASY and TEMPTING becuase of the EASE of the close proximity--- with the fact that as now is a great example, I am just exhausted- and I have an offer to stroll over for dinner that someone else made for me and is just serving to me!
WOW, what a TREAT!!
How can I refuse?
Thats the thing- I know at times I am BETTER OFF refusing and maintaining doing those things FOR ME, an ALONE or with SOMEONE ELSE becuase it is healthier in the long run.
And besides, I just don't WANT TO COMMIT!
I do have a date this week with a professional cook who is making me dinner!
Heck, nice connection there that would not have been made if I thought of myself as having a "boyfriend" And YES this is a "Friend date" so to speak, as there is not a likelihood of a budding romance -similar to the friend date I went out with last night-- he is committed to living in D.C. proper and adament about NOT moving.
I mean there are some I spend time with who are OBVIOUSLY not interested in me, nor I inerested in them for a long term committed relationship. However I still feel like I am enriched and GROW form those relationshps and want to maintain them.
Because for me, personal growth is my priority.
I feel like I am still healing.
Last thing to document here-I found a really good article I need to refer to again as it seems very helpful and wise:
http://www.womentowomen.com/fatigueandstress/fuzzythinking.asp
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