2011-02-12 - 3:55 p.m.
I woke up today at 3:30 PM!
Boy I knew I was tired and needed to sleep but that surprised me.
I did get to work at 6am on Friday and worked until 6:30 pm.
Didn't make it.
I do like taking the bus as it keeps me on a better sleep routine and gives incentive to not get caught up in the workaholic obsessiveness.
So was very disappointed that I missed it home last night.
Is so frustrating.
I was thinking of how many times I had a dinner date with the nice co-worker and was supposed to leave and was still working when he called and I was still at my desk.
Thinking of the weekends without kids when I had plans with my neighbor and he called and YES I was still working (either at the office at a crazy hour like 9pm at night on a Friday night when he WANTED To go out of town and leave that night, or at home remotely).
It has been really bad.
So I have done some things to create structure.
Keeping the priority of taking care of ME first.
Keeping Monday nights for my Bible study and trying my darndest to keep Thu nights for singing with a church group.
I never make it to that Thu night. Yes I intend to and am still at my desk in the office working away.
So LAST WEEK I humbled myself and asked my wonderful neighbor who has been such a support to drive me to that. I felt terrible asking. I had literally gotten LOST the last time I actually left work on time and couldn't find the house of the practice.
So I was happy to this time find the house. Turns out the little town it is in has TWO BUSINESSESS by the same family so I felt better that the reason I was getting lost was turning at the FIRST I SAW and not realizing there was ANOTHER down the road. No wonder I found it the one time leaving from home but not when I actually left work on time and was approaching from the other side of the town! THe GPS didn't help as it thought a dead end connected to another road so when coming from the work direction I would be sent to a dead end.
Anyway... Feeling a bit bummed as I am sure I have inadvertedly hurt my nice neighbor.
We had a conversation ONCE A MONTH in which I asserted how I wanted to date casually, need to heal and work on me, need to be able to take care of myself and not be dependant on others for help and generally my asserting that I am still not feeling all that well and have to make it a priority to get sleep and take care of me.
I have re-established the boundary of protecting my time over and over again as I understand that is what I need to do.
I have clearly stated I do NOT want my CHILDREN as part of my dating life AT ALL.
I have clearly stated that I am not looking for a husband or a father for them and I will enjoy a date every few weeks with this gentleman.
He clearly has wanted more.
I enjoyed his company on the hiking trip.
He asked me to go away THIS WEEKEND- my next weekend free without the girls and I said NO!
I mean WAY TOO SOON FOR ME.
I was thinking "IS his nuts! We JUST GOT BACK??"
I was TIRED after that trip.
Goodness, I have a medical condition - now diagnosed finally after living with it clearly for at least since high school when I would fall asleep in SCHOOL REGULARLY.
I fall asleep at work, anywhere, during movies, during church, during meetings.
YES only for a split second most of the time.
I don't miss too much.
I fall asleep DRIVING.
I am better off NOT DRIVING when tired.
So I do things like PULL OVER AND NAP- EVEN IF it means I will be late somewhere.
I just CAN NOT take that risk.
I thought it was narcolepsy.
I don't however have the classic cataplexy symptom of muscle acuity being lost and going completely limp falling down which is what happens to narcoleptics when they fall asleep.
However without that one symptom which makes it markedly obvious to the rest of the world something is wrong, one can go through life with a severe disability without anyone else being aware of it.
Like I have.
OK I suppose that is not true, as people do become aware eventually- but other than those who notice (like my first boss who I then worked for for NINE YEARS happily and FUNCTIONALLY AND WELL), most don't know what is wrong until I TELL THEM.
So my sleep study was "Markedly abnormal"
And the diagnosis is "Idiopathic Hyposomnia", which is a fancy way of saying "Excessive Daytime Sleepiness"
He really doesn't get it.
Its a need to SLEEP.
He kept inviting me to dinner on a Sunday night AFTER I have my girls. As generally unless there has been some kid event including his kid, I don't see him and I think by SUn he missed me.
So he gets it as I re-asserted after trying to be giving and spend time with him on a Sun night.
But I then come home and have to take care of basic chores and Monday at work I am
So he got it. No more Sun night dinners.
But then after all week at work I am just EXHAUSTED.
I DO NOT LIKE FRIDAY night dates.
I mean I just can't handle it.
Now this is all fine when you live with someone and they then see enough of you.
But I also WANT TO BE IN MY OWN HOME, IN MY OWN SPACE , IN MY OWN BED
And I don't WANT a committed serious relationship for the reason of -
They come first.
So I DO NOT WANT to have a guest over my home.
Plain and simple.
That cuts out possibility of developing a seriously intimate relationship that is going anywhere rather effectively.
Now the neighbor has been understanding- so he says.
But the conversation last month over dating was a little different in that he clarified more, that he is OK with me dating the friend dates without any romantic or physical involvement- fine.
Of course the real trouble is that he thought all these conversations were just hypothetical. He wasn't ever really LISTENING and HEARING what I said and all he heard was FEAR.
He heard I am afraid of serious intimacy and not the part I want to be able to date casually and not solely him. ( He was fine with dates I told him about ahead of time when he KNEW they were only male friends. He said he doesn't think of them as dates- I suppose as his definition of dating DOES involve physical intimacy which for me is not necessarily the case. Time together with a friend of the opposite sex who has that interest whether actualized or NOT is a date in my mind- as lets face it- the men who want my company are in fact ALL ATTRACTED TO ME and OPEN FOR MORE should that become a mututal interest. Some have made that clear- others have not come out and said that- but it is very clear. And yet they ALL are men who ALSO clearly value SOLELY MY FRIENDSHIP and enjoy time with me on occassion EVEN IF THAT IS NOT A POSSIBILITY! Those who are not open to that and find it too frustrating (like Art) don't spend time with me.)
I am JUST NOT INTERESTED in a serious relationship at this juncture.
I have healing to do and a long way to go before I am feeling WELL.
I am NOT going to start any serious relationship until I am feeling like I am emotionally strong.
I hope that doesn't preclude one from EVER being a possibility for me ( HA HA).
I envision some day I WILL FEEL BETTER, but it will take time.
Losing custody of the kids definately made a significant impact on my wellness and sent me spiraling- NO DOUBT.
The fact of the Marine's accident is something that was a hard thing for me emotionally as well as he was a huge support in helping me heal over the loss of the relationship with my Ex Boyfriend which was a hard thing.
I realized that relationship was very good for me, and now I want to be able to feel as WELL Without the support of a relationship.
I want to be emotionally strong ALONE.
I don't think that is too much to ask for in life.
I think we ALL HAVE THAT CAPACITY and with support of healthy friendships and community CAN HEAL.
I think that healing needs to happen before I truly have it in me to offer anything in a relationship with another that will LAST and have a SOLID FOUNDATION.
The thing is, I am very aware of not wanting to be in relationship to anyone attacted to my neediness an the basis of it being how it makes THEM feel good to Help ME.
I think that is a recipie for disaster.
But I feel really badly as my neighbor is hurting now.
He doesn't understand my need to be alone in my space and get it together myself.
He asked last weekend if my girls would plan a birthday party for his daughter.
I didn't of course want to say NO. They are so good to us.
So we did that. And I spent Sat evening making a cake. It was suppossed to be Sat afteroon , ready at 6:30 pm. But by the time I got lunch made and then cleaned up (after the Sat morning routine of counseling which we need for the girls); well it was just LATE. I NEEDED To NAP in the afternoon,as my energy was just tapped.
Making the cake was an utter fiasco.
Think of those kids books "If you Give a Mouse a Cookie" series... the ADHD animal stories, and then envision
The ADHD MOM in the kitchen where she can't find anything quickly....
What should take a couple of hours start to finish takes me longer.
Why I didn't pick up a .99 box mix is beyond me at this point. I should have known better.
We did joke about it. I think I could create a hilarious cartoon if I had any talent... cross between Family Circle and that kid book series mentioned above of the ADHD MOM.
I do find it amusing at least.
The cake making was rather hilarious.
I mean at 8pm, the neighbor's Ex wife ran to the store to pick up Cream of Tarter as it was then I noted that ingredient was NOt in my kitchen and was needed for the masterpiece of a cake's creamy frothy sinfully rich Chocolate Moose Icing.
Now the thing is , I can't just get a box mix. I have to let THE GIRLS go through the Joy of Cooking and pick out WHATEVER THEY WANT and I have to let them of course be involved and we have to make the most complicated thing we can find.
Then there was the matter of realizing I don't have a candy thermometor.
But it was meat thermometor that was sent over.
Main point of this was the STRESS of TRYING TO have a party planned. It made me recall the LAST HOMEMADE cake from scratch fiasco which was at Sadie's birthday party.
I turned it into a cake making party as I wasn't done when the kids arrived and I have to say they DID HAVE A BLAST! Even if that "Chocolate Angel Food Cake" did end up the consistency of a dense chewy energy bar in the end.
Think LUNA BAR made in my kitchen while the kids were taking over, and we had a box of freshly hatched chicks in the living room as my oh so hypermanic farm owner frind just couldnt come to a party but had to leave to run errands and strike off TO DO items on his list.
HAve I mentioned I am SURE most of my friends are either diagnosed or in that hypomanic category of entrepenears that are given VC instead of Lithium??? There are alot of those here in Loudoun.
If anywhere but Silicon Valley or Loudoun I am sure they would be happily medicated.
They do make me laugh however and I enjoy their company in small doses.
I myself need MORE SLEEP and to not get caught up in anyone else's whirlwind..
I am thinking now of how a NY friend said she can tell when I don't take my ADHD medicine from my writing. It rambles so in all directions.
Good parameter of letting me know it DOES WORK.
I wonder so as I swear the paranoia side effects were so terrible that I had to switch medication and I feel like that which is prescribed now, a non stimulant just barely works at all.
But I DID FORGET to take my own medication last night and on Thu night I did intend on going out and having my friend date drive me home which did not happen so I didn't take the medicine then. I ran out of my stash in my purse, or my work desk.
We went out to dinner Thu night and he wanted to "stop by for a few things" at his place before heading back to P Ville. Fine... as I knew he would be driving REALLY EARLY (like 4:30AM) which is his norm on a Thu to head to our Southern office where he was to report to work.
But when we were lounging with his roomie and his roomie kids and he was so comfortble I said "IF we are going to hang out here do you mind if I get comfortable?"
I mean he so clearly wasn't dying to get up and drive to PVille.
He was enjoying my company and exausted too. He works at our office but lives about two hours away and has made that commute for something like ...who knows... years.. as he owns a few investment propertys as a landlord and lives with his kids South of here.
See the thing is I like dating this dude who has his kids as #1 priority. While he will call to say hi on weekend when with them we both are very aligned in that our kids come first and neither of us want to be bothered when it is time with our kids. His relationship with their Mom is clearly over- so I have no worry about that with him.
And he so clearly doesn't want to date anyone seriously as they have their Mom and he is neither looking for a mother for them or a wife so he is the PERFECT man for me to go out with over dinner, or a movie or coffee or lunch a couple of hours EVERY OTHER WEEK or so.
I have told him my parameters... and the one he is bad at is I tell him he needs to CALL ME AHEAD OF TIME TO PLAN A DATE.
Can't count how many times he has called to ask me to go out last minute (day of) and I have said NO.
He finally gets it that Monday nights are out for Bible study. ( I feel badly but when he has called to ask "When can I see you again- should I come into town Mon or Tue, I ALWASY SAY TUE).
I feel like I need that support of my Mon night single mom's more than anythign as they will be consistently there for me over YEARS. Men will come and go... but these women will be there- as they go in and out of relationships, and some come and go, at least we have the core support of that group.
We are working on a good book now and I take what I beleive and ignore what I see as nonsense in it.
Joyce Meyer's Battlefield of the Mind.
Cut out the crap about how the devil will be seeking to come in and create strongholds, and its darn good.
I don't subscribe to that part- but the rest that we can CHOOSE to think positive and the sprituaal guide of the Bible Scripture as a source of strength to overcome negativity and be well is very helpful to me.
So this week, after not having seen my work date for at least two weeks, when he called on TUE I told him I had dinner plans for a friend's birthday and he said "Have a nice time."
I love that he asks no questions. I made mention of my NEw Years date to him and he at that time commented "Did you just mention a date with another guy? I am just going to ignore that"
So there have been subtle shifts over time in him not wanting to hear about my whole world. ( I used to be able to talk to him comfortably about it all.)
I guess that is normal. But he recentlyu has made it know that men get jealous ( I suppose himself included) and DON't WANT TO HEAR ABOUT OTHER MEN IN A WOMAN'S LIFE)
He made comments of not liking being the back pocket guy=== the one a woman knows is there if interested but not her primary ace.
Of course that is normal. He has known all along that I was dating my neighbor and he is not interested or offering more so we are well matched.
Trouble is- the neighbor hasn't been listening.
So after our nice time out at dinner in which the work dude and I talked of the possibility of NOT seeing each other, as it might be better for me- he pointed out I complained I hadn't talked to him in two weeks and that didn't use to BOTHER ME but now did- and he pointed out he HAS called but I couldn't talk and I realize that nothing has changed--I say NO to dates more often than not...etc... and am busy with kids etc... )
Anyway, it is somewhat ironic that while I most often see him on a Tue night ( really my ONLY available night to see him) that THIS Week I skipped attempting to go to the singing group as this TUE I went to the Birthday dinner I was invited to with neighbor's daughter.
I had mixed feelings about going as I felt like it was an EXPECTATION for me to go, but I don't really think the Daughter wanted me there. I think it was the DAD as his Ex wife was there and I am a buffer for him.
I mean it was lovely, but again I got home late and was in bed later than I would like and I am SO TIRED.
Cake for the BD at his house afterwards... ( NOW WHY did I have to make a cake on Sat when Mom was going to make her one anyway???)
I mean the whole weekend and dinner was NICE but it was so clearly me not being involved at the DAUGHTER's initiation. I guess that bothered me.
I think her birthday should be ALL ABOUT HER and what she wants.
And I feel like this man's willinness to go give me a ride whenever and whereever is at the expense of his daughter.
I suppose I judge too much. But SHE SHOULD COME FIRST and that REALLY BOTHERS ME.
Main point: I missed the bus. Called a couple of friends for a ride. One would have come LATER to get me but not until he was free after spending time with HIS DAUGHTER!
I LOVED THAT !! I so RESPECT THAT!
Neighbor called next. He had JUST WALKED IN THE DOOR.
He was , believe it or not, working on a site FIVE MINUTES from my office but respected my space and request to not call at work- and he turned RIGHT AROUND to pick me up at work last night.
I felt terrible.
I hadn't called him as I don't like him "saving me" when I screw up.
So he came. But then he asked questions about taking the bus when it was 4 degrees out that morn.
I didn't take the bus.
I don't lie- never have.
I told him I got a ride.
He was quiet, dropped me off--I was going home as I was TIRED and told him before NO I don't want to do anything Friday night But go home and sleep.
He asked the fatal question:
"Are you seeing someone else"
And I honestly said
Oh well-- never did want to hurt this wonderful man but I may have just done so. And its cause he really has not been listening at all.
When he had a conversation about a month ago that he was fine with me dating as long as I am not SLEEPING with another I figured I would still see my work guy. Truth is, not hard to meet that criteria at all... at least for a while. I figured I would still see him and figure out whether to dump the work guy or not.
But the thing is I decided I STILL want to see the work guy as its more compatible for me now that he does not want more than I can offer.
And it was a little awkward on Thu night as work dude said he wanted to "Stop home for a few things."- HE DID Have a couple of things to do. I think he DID intend on driving me back to P Ville ( It was up to me.) But we had eaten, and I tell you after I eat I enter the comotose digestion phase. I am just OUT COLD and it is a struggle to NOT CRASH at work after lunch every day. Have been tested for diabetes, and thryrid problems - don't show symptoms or signs of depression by anyone's criteria, so the only explaination thus far is that its part of this mysterious "idiopathic hyposomnia"
I was in very uncomfortbale work attire. We started to sit and lounge on the couch. My work dude leaves at 4:30 AM to drive South. Gosh- it was 7pm by the time we both finished work and he picked me up at the office for our date. Soit had to be 9:30 or 10pm after we stopped at his house "for a few things" and hot work dude himself started to get comfortable relaxing in his space with my company. It was clear he didn't really WANT to go anywhere else after his long day at work and enjoyed my company there.
HE always changes into comfortable clothes FIRST THING before we go out after leaving work anyway. So here he was in his comforable casual attire and I was still in corporate outfit with the stockings and heels and really not relaxed attire.
He said no, but I think was shocked when I went to the car, came up with my small bag and donned PJs. I said "Not to freak you out- take me home when you want, but I want to be comfortable and I knew if we came here we'd be lounging"
I think I pushed a boundary a bit- but I DO NOT HAVE sweat pants ,one pair somewhere... and I had to catch the bus that AM and had all of 5 minutes to throw some things in a bag. Truth be told also the PJs were the only thing casual that FIT comfortably in that bad. And I laughed as when I came out he had also changed from the more casual chords and flannel shirt he has donned after the suit into casual flannel PJ pants and T-Shirt. I figured hey- what is good for the good is good for the gander , right? In the past we have gone to dinner and then hung out at his place an HE threw on his comfy sweats or PJs and T shirt and he has watched football with roomie and roomie's teenage kid and I have sat and read. Very comfortable and relaxed. Heck after six months I figured I could push that boundary a little and not freak him out too much.
I mean its a funny thing but a woman bringing PJs and a toothbrush in ( or a guy doing that to me!) WOULD push a boundary differently than changing into JEANS and a T SHIRT. Its the unspoken expectation of crashing for the night. And for some reason both work dude and I have NEVER EVER EVER CONSIDERED CRASHING for the night. And for some reason I think We are BOTH FREAKED OUT AT that thought... as it seems to imply more of a commitment than either of us are comfortable with.
So I laugh at how I am attracted to UNAVAILBLE MEN as I don't want a relationship YET.
So of course I fell asleep and he fell asleep. And I just didn't have it in me when we woke at 4am to have him drive me to Pville and have to catch the bus at 7am. Figured I would get home at 5AM and fall asleep and perhaps not make my bus. So he took his shower and got ready for the day and I declined an offer to go stop and get breakfast somewhere ( for me to go- he was going to get on the road); and had him drop me off at work after borrowing the roomie's iron and getting washed up and changed into fresh work clothes.
It was a bit awkward. But I was just also feeling BAD about having this man drive me back to Purcellville when he was exhausted the night before after dinner. He knew he had to get ready for the next day. He knew if he drove me home and we cuddled at all he would be asleep on my couch and I think he wanted to get what he needed so he didn't have to drive back home before heading south.
Ironically the neighbor is likely a better guy to be involved with in the LONG TERM.
But I don't want to USE HIM. So decided to be nothing other than honest all along but have not mentioned the work dude. Didn't feel like I needed to give details each time I made it clear I wanted to be free to date other people.
The thing he doesn't get is - work dude could walk out of my life tomorrow and it wouldn't be a big deal. The issue of me needing my time is the same and whether there is anyone else in my life or not is not the point. Its not about me wanting a relationship with anyone else- its about me wanting to nurture myself and HEAL.
So no I am not madly in love.
We shall see what he thinks at this juncture.
Feeling like this might turn out like Art. HE might not be interested in maintaining our relationship at this juncture.
I should find out soon- as we were supposed to have a dinner date tonight and at this juncture I am just not sure if that is on or not.
And then there is the thing weighing on me most of all. Kids need some things paid and I said YES To sending a check. I WAS Going to ask neighbor to borrow as next Friday I can pay him back. But I just COULDN't bring myself to do it last week.
I just don't feel RIGHT about that.
So I have not taken care of that obligation. I have about $2.50 until next Friday when I get paid as my mortgage payment is due this Tue and what is in my acct will just cover that.
I am just tired.
And no matter what-- every relationship requires giving.
I know it is selfish, but the time invested this past weekend on attention for the daughter and then her birthday Tue was really a big investment of my time. Now the neighbor is investing so much of his time in me.
I don't WANT to travel but for travel to see my oldest two kids ( and an edit here as I ALSO will travel to see my Marine when I can afford to! He is important to me. When I can afford to I would also love to travel to see my family of course! Trip to Fl to the folks would be great or my brothers. I already have a trip for ME time I can take with the hiking group once in a while so I don't have any itch to get away- but a longing to be at home at this juncture.)
I need to conserve time, energy and money for travel to see my oldest two kids first and foremost.
I need my own hibernation and to get my things done at home.
5:30 pm now so I am guessing my dinner date is off.
So I will go fold the massive amounts of laundry and eat and get to bed early.
Tomorrow I hope to have energy to clean my room- a goal I have had FOR MONTHS without time to achieve. I get the kids rooms, bathrooms and living room and kitchen cleaned regularly but alwasy run short on time and energy to tackle my own room!
That is my priority this weekend along with catching up on laundry.