2011-07-16 - 4:25 a.m.

Yesterday ( since it is now AM!) was one of those ridiculous low energy days. Come to think of it, this was a low energy WEEK. My co-worker asked if I ever had my thyroid checked. Great idea I commented, as boy the symptoms of hypothyroidism which are really similar to diabetes are those that are rather clear to me.

I have been tested for both conditions in the past and levels of both those T cells and glucose were in the normal range.

I suspected LOW sugar and was surprised with the blood test a kind diabetic co-worker let me do with her machine came out with somewhat HIGH sugar but in the normal range. ( Just in the normal range)

That was some time ago (A year or more at least).

Point being it is SO FRUSTRATING to have those moments of mental fog and absolutely NO ENERGY which are still not REALLY accounted for.

Yes Narcolepsy is one explaination. But it really isn't a great one as there has to be some physiological reason WHY one gets so tired.

What bugs me is even when taking the medication for narcolepsy it still doesn't stop me from the dozy moments at workand the moments of absolute mental FOG in which I can't think.

I was tempted to leave at 3pm to run errands hoping the physical activity would help and then I could come back and be alert and finish a draft I intended to get done. Its the kind of think I could knock off in an hour or two at most when I have mental acuity- but no matter how fundamentally simple of a task I just can't get it done when I am in that state of exhaustion. I should have just left work. Instead I muddled through wrapping up one other deal with input and left later ( I forget when- maybe 7pm) The sweet attorney I am dating picked me up and drove as I was SO TIRED. We hit a few stores as I needed a pack to fit my gear in, a little item I FORGOT about in my planning until I tried to pack on Thu night.

Found one thankfully at Wal Mart made by Coleman which is cheaper and seems to be as nice at competing ones at the sporting goods stores.

So I felt badly that I had to log into work to leave the message ( just now) that I didn't complete the one last task I intended.

But I did so, and now have to find energy to pack all the gear into the new pack.

The frustration I have is that here when I just haven't the energy to do this myself at some level I am too stubborn to ask or even accept offered help available. I WANT to do it myself. I in fact like dating the attorney who helps when I ask but doesn't TAKE ON MY ISSUEs.

Times like this however it is so tempting to just turn it over to the type of friends who WILL Take on my issues, and my responsibilities. I KNOW HOWEVER TO NOT DO THAT and AVOID that mistake.

The types who will do so will in the end be CONTROLLERS, and also will in the end RESENT the help they initiated the offer of giving.

That is the truth and the irony.

So I accepted SOME HELP from Bridge Builder Engineer Friend, but not ALL The help he offered.

See he would have taken me shopping and bought the pack and I could have comfortably accepted the loan and paid him back when I have the cash (if ever) and if I don't ever really have it that would be OK too I am sure.

But I just don't have it in me to take advantage of a friendship like that.

So I went shopping with the guy who would drive me as I was exhausted and he enjoys my company but who is ACCOMPANYING Me on my journey and not taking over in an attempte to take care of me.

A VERY DIFFERENT DYNAMIC
and I think healthier in the long run.

But here when it is time to leave and I am still EXHAUSTED( I mean my muscles even are tired and it feels hard to move the least so I wonder how I possibly am going to have energy to hike!); well at times like this it is SO TEMPTING to just submit to the care of one who WANTS to take care of me. But darn it - I won't. I will find the energy to get this stuff in my pack and make it to my attorney friend's place as he is driving me to the airport.

When I got home after the shopping ( after I left the attorney when he dropped me off at my car and I made it all the way to Leesburg area before I HAD TO PULL Over and sleep a while);of course there was a message from Bridge Builder
"Hi Calling just to see if you have everything you need. Call me if you need help, if there is anything you still need or if you would like a ride to the airport.If I don't hear from you have a wonderful time- wishing you the best on your trip, I'll talk to you when I get back."

Bridge Builder is our hiking friend that Pocohontas and I actually met at Shenandoah National Park on our back country camp out a couple of years ago. He happens to be leaving Sun on his treck which unfortunately was to Mt Rainer this year which happens to be under 10 feet of show where he planned on hiking. Good thing I stuck with my plan to go with a hiking group rather than accompany him on his trip! Only part of the trails in the park and route I was going to are closed. Which reminds me- I need to pull out some WINTER clothes!
I of course thought Pocohontas was CRAZY when we were coming out of the woods and she had more than enough self imposed pain and hard work that she said she was going to find a ride to our car and she hitched. That was indeed how we met Bridge Building Engineer. (She was accompanying me on my personal quest- Read AWOL on the Appalachian Trail to understand a bit about WHY anyone goes on a serious treck or back country hiking. Yes I had trama in life and needed to heal- and somehow self imposed hardship of living in the wild a few days helps! I think his motivation was a little different, but basically after doing something like this I think one gets perspective and it makes daily life BETTER.)

OK I give up and am going for the help attorney gave me I was resisting.

His help was "Five hour Energy drink"

I boasts of "No crash" and it is clear that means no SUGAR CRASH.

We shall see. Flight takes off at 8:30 AM so I need to get out of here and to the friend's so he can drive me to the airport.

I CAN DO THIS. I CAN GET THIS GEAR IN MY PACK...
IT WILL FIT and I WON'T FOGET ANYTHING ( Albuterol inhaler!! Was lucky one of the hikers had one when I had an Asthma Attack in Colorodo last year!)

I did forget dramamine...crap...I had the experince of puking at the top of Muir Woods on the San Fran trip and it reminded me I still will get car sick if in the back of a car driven by a speed demon on winding mountain roads.

I CAN DO THIS.

Many wonder WHY women end up in relationships with controllers.

Becuase in the beginning they are very attractive and it is EASIER to be in relationship with them than others. They take on the responsibility of the other.

It would be SO MUCH EASIER to call Bridge Builder who would be here in 30 minutes with dramamine in hand and who would come and pack my pack for me ( he is great at that after years of experience) and I would be taken care of and at the airport on time.

SEE??
See how EASY THAT WOULD BE??

It is so much HARDER TO PUSH ONESELF TO GROW AND BE INDEPENDENT. In fact, that putting myself in the position of GROWTH is in fact what motivated me to take up hiking and back country trecking to begin with. That was the WHOLE IDEA. To PROVE I COULD DO THIS. To plan a trip SOLO and take care of ALL THE THINGS and in doing so improve my skills that I need work on. Yes I CAN do this and do NOT need anyone to SAVE ME. "I aint' no damsel in distress"

PEP TALK DONE...
Packing.

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