2012-01-02 - 12:08 p.m.

OK, To start off I DID send the flowers overseas. I did get a call and a few messages from the traveler. But its be IMPOSSIBLE to REALLY connect with him. When we last talked he called me but asked If I minded skyping him back as he had few minutes left and international calls are expensive and he had to call a friend. Totally made me feel second fiddle- not to mention when on line on Skype he was "not available" albeit on line a NUMBER of times. I mean there with the green light on but no connection. Clearly I am being blown off. Being out of country is not any excuse. Either he is interested or not, and I am getting the message "NOT interested." Sure he would accept a fling once in a while, ANY MAN Will,but I am getting the "NOT INTERESTED in investing in any sort of energy, time into a RELATIONSHIP" I am NOT INTERESTED in THAT. So rather clear that my decision is being made for me and I just need to get over the hot Texan who will be back in Texas in Feb or March. See TEXAS that alone is 1300 or more miles away - let alone jet setting for work! So lots of reasons to get over thinking of him. The sending of flowers kinds was a strange cathartic thing for me as it was making of effort and I knew if I DID THAT and THEN he wasn't calling every day I could let go of hopeful possibilities. He DID call regularly until Oct 31- -but he the attorney IS HERE and the Texan KNEW I dated him.So I think the fact he can't be interested if he knows there is competition has ALOT to do with it, but I find that no excuse frankly. Nice to have a day off work ALONE without plans to relax, read, and really do whatever I feel like.

That is SO rare that I am relishing this moment. Just enjoyed eating chocolate, my homemade apple strudel and coffee.

Just tested my Skype and there is NOTHING wrong with it.

A good and WISE thing to do. Chatted with a good friend (and lover once in a while) who is always there for me. He is just awesome as we are both so good for each other. Just the kind of friendship that is mutually supportive, sustainable over years, and honest and open and so GOOD for each of us.

Its so nice to have that male friend who I share attraction with with whom we both know we are not going to ever pursue a long term committed relationship with, with whom we can each talk about our relationships with others and then get together whether over coffee or the occasional "tryst" when we are not in relationship with anyone and feel like it.

He is wise and a good judge of MEN I believe, so good counsel for me when I need it-

Like now-

I had him Skype me to confirm the dude overseas is indeed just not making effort to communicate other than the occasional phone call or e-mail once or twice a week that is BRIEF.
That behavior of keeping the bait out there... throwing out the line so there is the desire to bite...
but pulling it back before it can be caught.

Sorry bud, I am not into being played like a fish when you are hoping to catch a bigger , more colorful fish and looking at me like the plain, simple, sustenance JUST IN CASE you don't catch anything else.

Was just chatting with my friend about that in relation to the men in my life. I feel like the attorney is new to this dating game and his interest in me was out of CONVENIENCE and not REALLY all that genuine and sincere.

I mean, is he only interested in me because we got holed up in the office late over some projects a few times (thus had time to talk and then went out to eat as we both were starving and had more work to do)? I just HAPPENED to be there?

But as my friend I was just chatting with said "Sometimes there is alot to be said for circumstance,and seeing the opportunity that IS there. That can be a really good thing. Don't underestimate that."

The thing is, I feel like I respect my friend , lover of years MORE because he goes OUT OF HIS WAY to call me when he wants to see me and it never was because of the circumstances making it just HAPPEN and either of just just BEING there at the right place, right time.

I suppose its the knowledge that I know he could call someone ELSE but has called ME which makes me feel better about any time spent with him in an interesting way.

I suppose that is why I encourage the attorney to date other women. I suppose its because I want to know he has experienced time with other women and has other options and is not with me out of DEFAULT of me being there. I want him to WANT to be spending his time with me.

But that might just be a cop out as frankly I just enjoy my time ALONE and want to have that alone time to get my things done.

Friend I just chatted with said "You have been saying that for years"

When he was here recently he said "What is eternity for you? The time between when you come and your lover leaves? I know how you are. Do you want me to leave now?"

I got mad. Yes it was because I got mad that I responded as we lay there in the midst of our lovemaking and I said
"What is eternity for you? The time between when you first get turned on and finally come?"

He laughed thankfully and said "Lately"

Oh-- the joy of having a lover over Age 50. I think all those cougar's are crazy and there should be a trend of only dating men over 50 as making love with a man over 50 is SO MUCH better PRECISELY as physiologically it is not AL ALL about them being pleased (partially, but that takes SO DAMN long in the simplistic manner of the male ejaculation being the ultimate pleasure) that the SMART men who truly enjoy sex most of all learn very quickly that will not be a priority and derive pleasure from pleasing the woman. If SHE is turned on over and over again she will have the sustained energy to turn the man on -- which takes a DARN LONG TIME after he hits 50! Now the smart man knows how to make that long time nothing but a delight for both parties!

So my "friend" who has been out of a relationship has been contacting me for months. Not surprising as he was in a relationship and it ended some months ago and very shortly after I heard from him with "Can I come over?"

It was a LONG time since I was with him (as when both in a committed relationship we refrain of course and both hope that the others relationship works out.) I said "NO"

Enjoyed a few nice chats, etc... Told him of the kids, the men in my life, family etc..

It was VERY nice however to see him. I think it is around the holidays I like to be with him as for some reason I feel closer to him than anyone dating. I mean this man is more ingrained in my family life in some ways. And as much as I keep my dating separate from my family, as I told him perhaps that is just a hypocritical fear thing. I was telling him how weird it is in a way to have McGill so intertwined with my family life just as a good friend to us all, but then to have my dates so clearly respect that boundary of no interaction at all. I told him how I realized that the air traffic controller had that perfect balance of him asking me if we could go on what I think of now as the "family date" once in a while- maybe every other month, and that was perfect/ We would take kids to the Fair, or somewhere. The air traffic controller always initiated that time.
So even thought I SAY I want my dating separate from family I recognize I don't REALLY want a complete separation as I want to know the guy is GOOD to my kids and they LIKE him before I consider anything serious.

So its weird now to have the "friends" openly be involved with family who I am not involved with at all, but my date/lover NOT AT ALL involved due to that boundary I set which is respected.

So I have to re-think how to set that boundary but also allow for some involvement at a level I am comfortable with.

I realize it also may come down to me respecting men who participate in the setting of a boundary by discussion and take more initiative that those who are in my life now. Ironic but I think the men in my life now are NON THREATENING as they do what I WANT and WHAT I AM COMFORTABLE with and yet they are not the men I fall for.

Why do some of us FALL for the boundary pushers? Why do some of us FALL for the ones who TAKE CONTROL and then are decisive (even sometimes when without regard for asking us what we want?)

I recognize that although the air traffic controller was good to me he was not happy as I became more confident and made more choices for myself and articulated what I wanted for US. Even if it was a restaurant choice, it became clear he was happy if it was HIS Choice, but disregarded mine.

Trouble is that it makes me all to aware I don't really WANT A RELATIONSHIP with any seriousness at all.

And all to EASY to avoid one when I have a lover readily available who is such a good friend AND good lover.

Maybe that is just a TOTAL COP OUT?

Yet at some level I recognize that while I want to avoid a relationship with a control freak with whom everything goes his way, and have found myself dating men who are willing to have everything go MY WAY and whom are not decisive and frankly are too afraid to ever take a risk!

I mean that is how I see McGill. If he was interested as Pocohontas has said and as he has VERBALLY said to me in joking banter and writing, one would think at some point over the past year he might go in for the attempt at a kiss to see what happens. NO HE frankly just doesn't have the guts to. He won't take the risk. And I think for me, that lack of confidence which is how I see it, is NOT attractive.

Now maybe that is really not lack of confidence but RESPECT. He had joked once when we talked of dating and I told him "Here is some unwanted advice: Just KISS THE GIRL"

He was going on a date with a co-worker.

He was leaving after watching a movie ( which we do often) and popped his head back in and teasingly said "OH- Just remember, YOU could have always kissed me too."

He then left, and I damn well almost did go out and run after him indignant at the challenge and insinuation that I WAS AFRAID-- just to PROVE I wasn't.

But I didn't-- I think as the phone rang RIGHT as he was leaving, and seriously , there is just not that pheromone induced visceral attraction. We must be TOO SIMILAR.

I still don't understand why Pocohontas doesn't date him. She certainly has emotional dependence on the friendship and almost comes undone without contact with him for a little while. She was the one who approached him when we met him in Shenandoah National Park a couple of years ago.

She says its because he has been interested in me, and called ME.

True she is the one who reached out and called him as he called me once, we chatted once and I lost his number promptly.

The thing is, I misplaced the number and didn't think about it again until I found it. I wouldn't have thought about McGill again but for Pocohontas spending time with him and bringing him into our world.

I feel a little guilty almost at what a good friend he is to us all and how I don't reciprocate his feeling.

He sweetly gave me a Nook for Christmas. He sweetly played Santa so the girls had an abundant Christmas of gifts here ( and Soren too. He got gifts for the older ones.) He took Katerina and Soren to the movies one day- something he knew I couldn't afford to do. McGill is just such an amazing great friend who will do anything for us.

He drove me up to Buffalo to see the kids in shows, go to graduation, drove me to work in Philadelphia and around town as he knows with Narcolepsy long trips are hard for me.

(Hard is an understatement at times...)

I can drive fine, but ADHD and Narcolepsy pose challenges. I alternate between losing attention and not realizing I am speeding between getting sleepy and having to pull over for a nap attack.

The worst is that the nap need often arises after twenty minutes of driving. Depending on the day that is- but just imagine a long trip during which after every twenty to forty minutes of driving the driver has to pull over for a nap of indeterminate time. There is a math problem:

How long would a typical eight hour trip take?

Once we left Buffalo on a Sunday afternoon and arrived in VA at the kids school at 8:30 or 9AM Tuesday morning. I don't believe there was a hotel involved but rather stopping and sleeping along the way where it was safe.

That is consistent with the Sun night power sleep which is anywhere from seven to seventeen hours on average (wide variance!)

I must have slept one long spell on that trip when the kids too were asleep!

Anyway, I am very happy to be hone today and am going to eat lunch now of awesome meatballs I made last night. The kids DID help clean before they left a bit. I am going to eat then finish reading The Help which I was reading all morning, take a run at some point, and come back and clean house and study for my on line class on Contract Management. Thankfully this class is EASY compared to the hard mini MBA one I took twice!

The on-line class is good practice for studying as I intend to study for the BAR AGAIN. This time I will seek an accommodation for a disability to have more time so when I fall asleep and wake up in the fog I will have that extra time (I hope) to re-gain energy and focus and actually finish the exam with some attentiveness.

I have never stayed awake during any standardized test (nor most regular tests in school.) I ALWAYS fell asleep during them for at least a few minutes (sometimes longer.) I still ALWAYS did "well enough" which I laugh as I think that should be the Buffalo motto. I actually think it a healthy one! We should all aspire to do things WELL ENOUGH and be happier, healthier people that ENJOY life rather than neurotic perfectionists who are NEVER content and ALWAYS WANT MORE.

I think that is why I LOVE BUFFALO!

It is the city of "Good Neighbors are Good Enough"

I think of it as the City where "Only Kindness Matters"

which I think is almost foreign here in the world I live in.

Maybe that is cynical and not true. However in reading The Help and realizing my payment to the court that is due by the first or there is ostensibly "an immediate warrant for arrest" to be issued which was OK when ordered in this county circuit court

as "punishment" for me not having paid the court ordered fees when I lost a case challenging a nuptial signed after duress of a drive down a back country road and the threat of leaving me there while my children were home sleeping in their beds---

Well that makes me wonder that although debtor's prison is out of vogue, why we still have it acceptable that "Judicial Discretion" is honored over common sense and KINDNESS.

I mean how can such brutality and force and violence be disregarded?

But I don't want to dwell on that past. Yet it is still my present when the check I sent on Dec 12 WHEN THE MONEY WAS IN THE ACCOUNT comes back RETURNED UN-CASHED once a again-

That I know it wasn't virtue of KINDNESS that the check was returned .( I went over this in court before when I was brought back in - showing the returned checks); but some clerical error as they can never FIND The case;

That I then have to worry about paying that check AGAIN or having a sheriff at my door.

I truthfully don't worry anymore, but find it so unkind that it is disappointing.

I find it so unkind that it is in fact deadening.
I find the feeling of continue attack so unkind that is instills DISASSOCIATE response in protection.

I recognize that.
I recognize the DULL "I DON'T CARE" attitude like a shell of a turtle one puts on to protect.

It is sometimes all that is left when all other defenses have not been successful.

So I push down that tendency toward self defense and think TO CARE, TO BE INDIGNANT is a HEALTHIER RESPONSE

Only when we become SO DE-SENSITIZED That we Don't care can we have a society that is SO INDIFFERENT that they don't react when things happen like LYNCHINGS
or when things happen like A NOOSE being put in the car of a Black Firefighter in Hamilton VA ( Look it up- It was October of 2010 I believe, or maybe 2009--- OH But you WON'T FIND ANYTHING as we ARE so dissociative here in Loudoun and SO DISCONNECTED that as a society WE DON'T CARE ENOUGH to see that as anything other than a "joke" we brush off.

And I sit here and hear a door slam and did just wonder "Could that be the sheriff"-- JUST for a SPLIT second..

as I generally DO NOT LIFE IN FEAR.

Yet at the same time I take both Lithium and an anti-depressant every day to stop the paranoia of being hacked, being stalked, being watch, of believing I might again be thrown in a car and taking on a drive in a back country road somewhere near Middleburg and threatened to be left for dead.

And I know that disconnection when I can make love to a man, and be loved by a man but be SO HAPPY he leaves- to leave me alone to BE ME IN MY OWN SPACE;

and that when there is NO FEAR when I am in my own space ( thanks to that Lithium and celexa)

And know that it is PROGRESS that I AM NOT A WORKAHOLIC
or an insomniac not sleeping because I stay at work and am TOO AFRAID to be home alone;

And I understand the so called MANIA of working for days on end may be less a reality of bi-polar without down cycles as some thing, but more a reality of not wanting to be alone

SO I am HAPPY for this time alone in my space.

Yet I recognize at some level there is a FEAR of letting someone fully into my world as compelling as the FEAR that I can't function on my own.

Its a delicate balance- mental wellness being maintained after one has literally had their very core of self squelched and the vicersal fear of life threatened.

I am feeling blessed at this start of the New Year at truly FEELING WELL.

I do.

I feel much better than I did the past few years. I don't feel emotionally fragile and feel stronger.

I now want to focus on those goals of meeting my own expectations of taking care of my SELF and my FAMILY and HOME to the best extent possible.

So now, after writing I look forward to the nurturing of self by reading, then cleaning and taking a run at some point.
Before I do ANYTHING social with ANYONE ELSE I am determined to get my home in order. I am determined to meet MY NEEDS.

YES I have a NEED to be centered and remain even SELF centered and FAMILY CENTERED for this time being.

I suppose at this point I am OK with others coming into MY WORLD, but I don't have my world in enough order yet to be reaching out BEYOND it.I can't enter anyone ELSE's World at this point and am SO BLESSED to have supportive loving friends that are OK with that and happy to help me along the way. I wonder all the time what it is I GIVE TO THEM to make it worth there while and suppose at this juncture my company and love and support alone is it- because that is in fact all I can offer.

I thought of a beautiful song that I recalled singing as a duet in Church as teenager. It was special to me as it was a BEAUTIFUL SONG and I also had the privilege of singing it with the boy I had my first real crush on. He played JESUS in Godspell and it is with fondness as I recall his older brother playing guitar as Jesus and I sang "Take Lord, Receive"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-7o5sG7XeQ

I suppose that popped into my head as making love to the attorney for a few reasons. It is the moment of ultimate surrender at the climax of making love for one thing. For another I really feel like at this juncture I wish I was spiritually truly STRONG and feel that peace and well being ALONE. I WISH my Faith were strong enough to not want the love of a man. Seriously- I ENVY Those who have that spiritual strength, devotion to God and inner peace of a strong faith.

I had that unshakable faith in God, and I suppose at some level man at one point. I feel like I had an innocent naivety and a belief in the goodness of man that was so strong that it was unfathomable the unspeakable things people can do to each other.

I miss that naivety.

I miss that unshakable faith.

I seriously thought of life as a nun at one point! Can you imagine! Nothing appealed to me more than a life of service working toward social justice and peace and Catholic nuns truly were (and are) some of the most dedicated, committed ambassadors of peace and true Christian living I have ever encountered.

I was thinking how The Goo Goo Doll's "Let Love In" was the song that popped in my head the NEXT time we were making love, and I wondered if songs ever popped in my head before when with a lover. I thought I should just write them down to contemplate over if that keeps happening.

I just found this and I have to say I found it so beautiful and so apt as it encapsulates all I have been trying to capture in words in this amazingly concise artistic expressing. Yes it makes me cry and is so incredible- I have never seen this before ( Excuse the "Rule the Air" ad, with the irony of sponsorship of this art, and perhaps all the more apt as even that is a perfect encapsulation of the strange love/hate dependance relationship of corporate america enabling me to pay my monthly mortgage and my GRATITUDE and love of my job working for "the man" and the irony I fall in love WITH "the man"- whether the internet start up guru, or the ad exex, or the corporate attorney or the corporate "Whore" as I think it fair to call him who makes his living smoozing and drinking,golfing and socializing with the 1% of the British Imperialists, and MINERS and speculators all over Cental America...Albeit if I don't KNOW that is the work of the men BEFORE I fall for them!!!!)

Enough said- this captures it all better:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eeBE5DJTmmk

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