2012-09-07 - 4:28 a.m.
NOOK typing which is a challenge. Trying to edit as I write here this AM to see if I don't get bumped as the short limit on internet connectivity from this device might be imposed only by my e-mail host on their server. THAT says 15 minute time limit after less than 5 minutes and bumps me when accessed from this device.
Up early today to clean the house and pack a light bag (backpack) as working an early day then heading to the airport for a weekend visit with my parents in FL.
This ticket was a thoughtful birthday gift from McGill. Weird however how desensitized I am as to be honest didn't feel overjoyed at that gesture. I guess it reminded me of when the air traffic controller gave me the same gift for my birthday a couple of years ago when I had been so thrilled at his thoughtfulness and in contrast when the guy I was dating very casually a couple of years ago gave me a gift of a hiking trip he knew I wanted to go on but which was out of my means, yet it was clear he wanted to go too. The first gift was for me only and the second had that unspoken but not so subtle string of the man's expectation attached to it.
An expectation I knew I would not meet.
Realized that pressure was not there in relation to the air traffic controller not only because both he and I articulated the same expectation of a long term life together, but also simply because he was disingenuous and the reality was he never really had that desire. I realize now my intuition therefore was not responding in fear and a desire to flee as he never real,y did want to limit me in a commitment.
I realize at some level that visceral fight or flight mechanism is stronger in victims of abuse that suffer PTSD, and for me I think there is this subconsius need for safety that underlies my need for security that I meet by dating multiple men. Women friends are intregal too, but only one in love will go to the length of being a protector. Seriously when I think about it I realize the men I date make me feel more secure in the aggregate. The attorney calmed my anxiety about work by mentoring, and anxiety about court. McGill is so supportive he calms anxiety about many things from worry about finances,worry about all the kids needs as he brings over food for us when he sees its what I call a rice and beans week (cupboards bare), would bail m out if arrested after girls late to school etc. as the list goes on.
Enough musings. Was going to write of the morning in the life of an ADHD,PTSD,Idopathic hyposomniac (think narcoleptic as its the same but for the loss of muscle control causing dropping which is cataplexy that I recall only twice in my life),manic mom and her three ADHD kids (one of whom she is convinced is undiagnosed bipolar in part due to things like the kicking her sister in the head while wearing clogs which she did this week and a strong hint there is something more terribly wrong with this child. Of course her violence might just be post tramatic behavior not uncommon among abuse victims as she was the one poppedcin the head by Dad over and over again when under 2years old) and how a typical morning getting ready for school unfolded.
I am just so sick of the violence. I got out of my marriage thinking I was fleeing danger and could provide a peaceful safe haven for my children.