2014-09-21 - 11:21 a.m.

I am home cleaning. I think I COULD have made plans to go golfing today as boyfriend ( I AM STILL BOTHERED I don't have a good nickname for him!!!) got some Groupon tix for golfing for us to use. The thing I find annoying is he RARELY makes plans, but will do stuff If I ASK. He is terrible at saying "What are you doing next SAT? LEts go golfing!" (Not sure why that is so damn hard for him to plan ahead.)

But I am trying to be DISCIPLINED and get my house cleaned from top to bottom. So while I said "Tomorrow is a nice day for golfing" I REALLY MEANT I think HE Should go. I don't really WANT TO GO. I want to clean my house first and foremost.

So now I suppose I am procrastinating after a nice phone call with friend in Buffalo. We often get cleaning done when we talk, this time SHE got cleaning done but she called as I awoke so I lazily enjoyed our conversation, then went and ate a nice breakfast. I know I have to get out of jammies and then productivity will increase.

I did get SOME laundry done. More to go (ALWAYS!!). The house is looking BETTER but not there yet. I really need to either find my spackle (I HAD NOT ONE BUT TWO containers of that!! UGH) or accept it was lifted or used by the painters I hired and bite the bullet and go buy some. Trouble is the little ancient hardware store in my town is closed on Sun. DARN... Tempted to call Henry and bother him to PLEASE come help.. but have resisted that temptation. Won't do it.

Bummer is that when my males friends are in relationship the ease of managing those friendships NECESSARILY changes. THE DATE for instance, who I never had ANYTHING ROMANTIC or even REMOTELY HINTING at sexual going with- he was very clearly the platonic date that Pocohontas and I both kinda took turns going out with during the time his wife was off having her mid life crisis , is just not a friend I can connect with AT ALL NOW. HIS WIFE who is ALSO MY FRIEND is also not connecting as we did before she moved and bailed. She did come back and I am so happy for them both. But she is more distant with both me and Pocohontas. She got over the jealousy she had to deal with at that time. Heck they lived a few blocks away and at that time he threw himself into RFP work part time on weekends ( he in addition to his full time job which was of a Chief Technology Officer at some tech company at the time which I thought cool only because he was so humble that he never would have told me but I found one day which made me laugh and smile. Even with that kickin full tie job, he had college for his kids to pay for so when his wife left he kicked up his work for the extra income needed with part time work, to also help pay for his wife's separate pad a bit while he supported her in having her space to figure herself out; good man that he is! He graciously did that without complaint!)At that time I was ALSO often reviewing RFPs on weekends (see it took me longer than M-F to do MY JOB WELL, but I got it done).Pocohontas was my nanny and she would go play tennis about once a week with him. She and I also went to play tennis about once a week and I think we never laughed harder as we both suck at that! It was great exercise and great fun! So on the weekends I didn't have kids, THE DATE and I at that time would both be holed up working non stop and eventually one of us would ping the other and ask "Hey did you remember to stop and eat today?" to get a laugh, and a "NO- lets go" in response, and we would go off to get a bite to eat for an hour or so then both go back to our respective workaholic worlds of RFP review. Nothing for his wife to be jealous of. The thing I MISS however is that both those men, HENRY and THE DATE just HAPPEN TO LOVE the SAME KIND OF MUSIC I DO.

The three of us are folkies. There I admit it. The ex boyfriend, aged hippy boomer Air Traffic Controller really got to me on that note. Seriously I fell in love with THAT MAN when he took me to see JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR Live (with that same actor that has played Jesus for something like the past 30 years who is still freaking incredible and otherworldly I MEAN IT WAS AMAZING) AND THEN on top of that to LIVE MUSIC of just the most amazing folk artist aged hippys I had never heard of! I WAS IN HEAVEN at those live music dates.

So after the break up I had these FRIENDS I could share that with. Henry (who was Single then in a break from June that lasted about three years) and I would swap music tips, listen together at times, I went to shows solo and sometimes just had to go see him afterwards thinking I should have just asked him to come along... I never did and he so very often was calling to say he wanted to see me when I got home... A few VERY DISTINCT MEMORIES of going to shows solo when thinking of him but trying NOT TO (out of respect for JUNE) In any case...

There is this one artist that makes me now think of Henry. There are a couple tunes that so RESONATED with us.

And then there is another artist I discovered (Anais Mitchell)when I went to a show of with THE DATE and she was the opener.

So THE DATE and I enjoyed catching a few live concerts during that period of his separation and they were always such nice comfortable times !

I WISH I HAD ONE FRIEND THAT REALLY LOVED THAT MUSIC like those two!

Why is it my women friends are not into folk? I WISH I HAD JUST ONE without the issue of the gender, attraction, fear of attraction (even when not there!) etc to be an issue.

NOW THOSE TWO Artists are performing together- the one I saw with the DATE and the other Henry and I spent a lot of time listening to every damn album of. In particular the songs that reminded us both of JUNE so we just listened and sat and said WOW- YES !! THAT CAPTURES IT!

Now I can't just say "Hey June can I borrow Henry for one night so we can enjoy this music that encapsulates YOU so perfectly?"

HA HA...

I WISH I had thought to buy THREE TICKETS Thing is June wouldn't LOVE this music like Henry does, but she would ENJOY And really appreciate it- but had I wisdom to buy THREE TICKETS then I could invite them BOTH.

OF COURSE I had to quickly and excitedly buy TWO TICKETS when I got notice of the advanced sale something like SEVEN MONTHS AGO... I forget when. I bought them SO LONG ago for this early NOV show.

Now my dilemma is this: Attorney would go with me, but he doesn't LIKE this music MUCH. YES he will graciously go but I DON"T WANT TO GO WITH HIM.

This is the trouble

I WANT To have the PERFECT date- one who LOVES an event as much as me. One who LOVES THEATER, and LOVES LIVE MUSIC and thoughtfully pays attention to each nuance of not only the lyric and poetry of it, BUT ALSO hears the complexity of the orchestration and marvels at the accompanying strings. And I WANT A DATE I can go DANCE WITH , and I want a DATE that LOVES HOME COOKING and HATES EATING OUT as much as I do.

There I said it- I kinda hate eating out OFTEN. I do enjoy it two or three times A YEAR. Although I don't CONSIDER myself a health freak, truth is I happen to be in a habit of eating really healthy.

So there is this trouble of now having TWO tickets to a show I can't wait to see. I COULD GO ALONE and may just do that, but I WANT to say to June "Can I just invite Henry?" But I don't want to open any can of worms there. I would LOVE To be able to say to The now FORMER DATE (He needs a NEW nickname!),"Hey can you come to a show with me?" But I can't do that. It TOO would open a can of worms so to speak.. SIGH... Really they are the most amazing example of what a marriage SHOULD BE- letting each other grow and have space as needed but remaining faithful and then coming back together to be happier than ever! They celebrated their 26th Wedding anniversary which is so very beautiful! I LOVE THIS COUPLE! Maybe there is not assigned seating and I CAN invite them BOTH- OR- Henry and June? I just realized that might be an option... but I am almost darn sure it was sold out long ago... but what if?? THAT WOULD BE GREAT! Heck if there are actually tickets left if the five of us went (as we all are friends) that would be even better!

See the trouble I have is I don't see the boyfriend in that mix in my initial brainstorm of an idea. YES I SHOULD, right? That is kinda weird that in my free flow writing I didn't think "Maybe I can find tickets and the whole group of us- ALL SIX could go?"

UGH.

I KNOW that a big part of this is that after years now I NEVER HAVE MET HIS KIDs.

I mean I feel like he doesn't see this as serious so its impossible for me to consider anything other than casual dating. That informs my level of commitment no doubt.

I also think he just has esteem issues, depression issues, and when he faces a challenge he sometimes just RETREATS. HE HIDES in his cocoon so to speak. I think everyone needs to do that at times. But I suppose I find it frustrating to watch someone say they WANT different in life but make the same choices. IF you WANT different, CHOOSE TO ACT DIFFERENT.

So while this casual dating suits me just fine as I WANT to be single, truth is as much as I DO enjoy the time I spend with him, I kinda would PREFER to ALSO FIND OTHERS ( friends be they men or women ) who actually really ENJOY doing some of the things I like to do. I don't have to do them WITH HIM. I don't have to not have the relationship with him to find those other people to share time with - its just a bummer that NOW the other friends I have that I DID enjoy some activities with are inaccessible.
An so now I also know in my relationship I am feeling disappointment that I don't think we REALLY are honestly THAT interested in the same kinds of things. WE DID go for a nice hike a couple of weekends ago. That was lovely! It was one of our best dates EVER frankly! We finally hiked Great Falls through to River Creek Park and it was a beautiful day. I DO have my hiking group I can link up with again when I have both a car and money. I think I am just feeling a bit of discontent at how boyfriend and I approach dating SO DIFFERENTLY. He just got a bunch of groupoun coupons for restaurants and golf and Ben and Jerry's ice cream. But it seemed a bit of an impulsive shopping spree to have bought all these AT ONCE while waiting for his commuter bus in line. I mean he bought at least eight, maybe more coupons.(Eight I can recall just now!) Now I did that once FOR THE WHOLE SUMMER of time with kids cause the items were so cheap so my total of about $500 for activities (including a NYC FASHION CAMP my daughter went to that normally cost $1300 for the camp!) was a well thought out, planned purchase of practical activities at 50% off OR EVEN MORE of a discount than they would otherwise cost. So it was all bought over a short time frame , but well planned for the summer and also the rest of the year. From that purchase I have since not only sent the one girl to summer camp in NYC, but gone skiing, gave one girl a birthday party at a ski resort where we enjoyed their summer adventure activities of zip lines, these crazy big balls the kids rolled down the hill in OGO Balls, outdoor climbing things..etc... It was rather awesome! I rented a car to bring them girls and it was such a blast. I also brought them to an outdoor museum I won a family membership to, and to see Othello at the American Shakespeare theater, and to see The Putnam County Spelling Bee at the Folger Theater in Washington D.C. So my activities purchased at auction in a matter of a few weeks , were well thought out and carefully PLANNED. I have however had a few shopping binges that were not well planned. NOT ALOT and I joke about them, but YES I did have a fall shopping spree of getting new clothes for ME as darn its been a couple years since I did so. So I think my recent $300 clothing shopping spree, and organizing of house items spree were done all at once so who am I TO TALK And comment on HIS? But the thing is, I HATE SHOPPING and I do it only a few times a year- targeted planned times when I have a 30% coupon in hand! So its hardly manic. This year the kids have enough clothes so all they really needed were shoes (OH AND DARN I JUST REMEMBERED I FORGOT TO BUY BASEBALL PANTS!! NEED TO DO THAT FOR ONE before getting back to cleaning TODAY! I FORGOT!) I offended my boyfriend as he was excited to tell me about his groupon purchases , but they were clearly impulsive as he bought FOUR coupons for 18 holes of golf. I mean FOUR that have to be used by DEC of THIS YEAR. WHAT? That along with multiple coupons for the same restaurant. I mean he is on a very tight budget. I think it was just not well thought out. But I had the lack of grace to ask " Did you run out of your medicine?" Answer of which was "YES" Boy, I could tell, and YES his ADHD is severe and YES his meds surely help!! He was giving me Golf LESSONS so I can LEARN to golf. He is taking lessons. So we are both NEWBIES. That will be great if HE goes off and golfs all four of those, but he already has Thu lessons planned. I just don't think it is PRACTICAL that he is going to find time to use them all so I asked "Was that an impulsive purchase? IT seems like you had a little manic groupon shopping spree" I totally offended him. I didn't MEAN TO... but heck , three certificates for the SAME RESTARUNT, FOUR Golf green coupons for 18 holes, a coupon for two pints of Ben and Jerry's a month for a year AND another for cones there... I was just stunned that one would buy all these coupons for RESTARUNTS when they are about to go in for an operation for kidney stones. HE just had biopsies done to be sure nothing else is wrong. Now maybe if he HAD CANCER and was told he only has a few months to live I WOULD GET IT. HEY THEN ENJOY YOURSELF But if you have kidney stones, are overweight and have been told by your primary Dr. TO LOSE WEIGHT I just don't get it then. I voiced that I am just concerned that I want his health to be good and want him to TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF. He said the kidney doc said that the stones were caused by not enough water. He seems to believe weight is not a factor. So he was sweet and brought me dinner Fri. night- it was good tacos from District TACO which ARE GOOD. The thing is, he would eat there EVERY DAY if he could. I prefer to eat at home and want to only eat out or take in once in a blue moon. Just different priorities of what is important and how we each choose to spend our money. So I am TRYING REALLY HARD to not judge and accept the loving gift of when he does want to take me out and plans ahead. So he was disappointed and expressed that he thought I would be happy he was making effort for us to have nice dates out. HE said he thought I would have been more enthusiastic. I was thinking- Not only did I buy tickets to do stuff with my KIDS but I have ALSO gotten a few for US. But HE HAS NOT Been enthusiastic! His birthday was in June. I gave him a gift of a romantic CRUISE AROUND DC. HE HAS THE CERTIFICATE He could have planned when to go. He never did. So I said "I will be delighted to go out and enjoy Ben and Jerry's happily, or go out to eat and then do something without any further comment. I was just CONCERNED for you and did ask if it was an impulsive moment. I am also concerned for your health but don't want to make you FEEL BAD.. and don't want to give you a hard time, but I had trouble not expressing concern about this all being related to eating out and you SAY you want to lose weight but don't make lifestyle changes" I HATED SAYING THAT. But I also HATE watching someone do things that are NOT good for them when they SAY they want to do otherwise. I told him I was also concerned as I KNOW his finances are tight so I had posed the question "Was that impulsive?" I didn't expect him to be defensive. I guess I thought he would say "YEAH I guess so... oh well, I caved in a moment of weakness and not thinking this through but lets make the best of it." I had said "Just be sure that you can use them all by the expiration, and if not maybe some can be gifts?" I didn't mean to insult him or make him feel badly. I clearly however did make him feel judged and feel badly. The thing is after we ate dinner Fri night he went right home. He did linger a LITTLE at my request. He had run out of medication and being ADHD and having depression I KNOW that lack of meds had to have an effect. So he had to go home anyway to receive them when they arrived SAT. But what was DIFFERENT is he didn't ask me to come along. So he retreated after my criticism. Now I ALSO had my OWN issues emerge. I voiced them- like I don't mind if you have other relationships/friendships and ENCOURAGE them, but it really hits MY hot spot when we get in BED and I see a text from a female friend I never heard about. So I was being a bit paranoid despite my claim to wanting an OPEN relationship as to "WHO THE HELL Is this Janice girl?" I just HAPPENED to have noticed her pop up asking how he was the day I drove him back and forth from an endoscopy last week, and then again when we were GOING TO BED one night during this week. I didn't SAY ANYTHING, but when on Friday night a dance class I intended to attend did not happen so I had a whole hour and a half to WAIT For him, I obsessed about those noticed texts from some woman I never heard of. I believe in OPEN relationships, but the key is the OPEN and HONEST part. NO I don't need to know your every move, but hey when in MY BED if a woman is texting you at 10pm at night, I deserve an explanation. That intruded on MY PRIVACY. I actually didn't say anything then, but let him ignore it also noting that if a guy is taking his phone into the BATHROOM and going to use one NOT in your room that is in fact for a reason. So I told him that is MY ISSUE that is where my brain goes, but also that Sudoku on a phone is not a credible addiction that is known to have one suddenly be very attached to their phone. Combination of me reacting with shock at the groupon impulsive shopping spree, and then my reacting with paranoia on Friday night - asking if he had an earlier date as he met me at 8:30 PM YES PARANOID CELL PHONES MAKE ME PARANOID when a guy is attached to them and I know it is not for work or for his kids, but then when I call and it goes RIGHT TO VOICE MAIL. TO ME that means "OH he is on a date" hmmm... I totally admit it- I have issues from the Ex who did have multiple relationships, despite my WANTING To be open at this time in my life, I still have the panic at the thought of someone obviscating another relationship from me and intentionally being deceptive. So he pulled back, he went home after dinner Fri. I need to get this house cleaned anyway. But its disappointing to see nonetheless. He's just annoying as he is indecisive and its a silly game of the dating dance of get close, pull back, get close , pull back, intimacy and then carve out MY SPACE that we both seem to have as our behavior pattern in our relationship. I KNOW it is because neither of us are totally vested. I did suggest we plan the cruise I gave him a certificate for as his BD gift. Turns out THAT expires SEPT 30th. I had bought baseball tickets and wanted to go to a game with him and his boys if he had liked. He said NO. Those got wasted. There were four tickets. I invited them to go to the mountain for the events the kids and I enjoyed. HE SAID NO. I pushed and said "AT LEAST ASK YOUR BOYS" They said NO. I invited him to go hiking for MONTHS and he FINALLY said yes. I suggested we go away for a weekend one weekend when I wanted to go to Berkley Springs to see a folk singer and he said "NO". I mean it would have cost LESS than the amount spent on the groupon but at the time he said he couldn't afford it just then. I had tickets to see Shakespeare and told him and asked if he was interested, and he was lukewarm and never mentioned it again. I invited him to travel to Buffalo and he was not enthusiastic to WANT To go. I couldn't afford to buy him a ticket that worked for both of us so went alone , but you know I COULD have afforded with my points to bring him if it were something he thought worth missing a day of work or two in order to go and fly out with me on my POINTS for a FREE TIX on A Sun to Tue. He just clearly was not interested. At least once over this relationship I have quoted the line from that baseball movie (Forget name of it) "When your girlfriend invites you to go to PARIS for a weekend YOU SAY YES" I LOVE traveling alone to see my son whenever he is in professional shows, but I went twice this summer, and this man I am dating was not really that interested. I ask him to go hiking and after about a year of asking we finally went. I invited him to go running with me and in the years dating he has said YES ONCE and then pulled a muscle and said he overdid it so has not been interested since. So frankly, when he said he was surprised at my lack of enthusiasm when as he said "I was trying to plan nice dates" , at his purchase of FOOD stuff primarily, and golf (right AFTER I just sent him the link and pointed out they have GOLF at the same course OFTEN for $2 for nine holes with a golf group I JOINED and suggested he join as well, which I am rather sure he wasn't paying attention to so MISSED the communication of) it makes me baffled- I mean to me it seems like HE IS LESS than enthusiastic when I TRY To invite and plan dates for US so I then go off an do those things myself. DONE WITH RANT, ALMOST... (Truth be told the remainder below was written and I keep adding in the middle HA HA) One MORE thing, in responding to my inquiry "I may as well ask , as when some random dude called me YOU asked right away so I would be best off just admitting my worry- Who is Janice who was texting you when we were getting in bed together? I have to ask as not that I was snooping, or TRYING to pay attention , but I just HAPPENED to notice the name pop up a couple of times" He said the wrong thing. I mean he should have said "friend from work" but he had to say "Let me show you her picture" which always bugs me. I get irritated by the male fixation he seems to have with physical beauty as if that matters ... It shouldn't and if that does it makes me think LESS of him.. Maybe I WAS READING INTO IT as this time he didn't say an insulting thing like "OH look at her, I would never be attracted to her" but when he said something disparaging about a female friend in the past I wondered "AM I just dating one of those ASSHOLES Dr. PHIl advises women to steer clear of? The "hit it and quit it" kind who are only present when they enter and leave the bed? IS THIS REALLY All this relationship is about?" I KNOW Am an judgmental but that response of "Let me show you her picture" rubbed me the wrong way. I don't CARE what she looks like, just wanted to know what the relationship is. I just want OPEN honesty in an open relationship. I don't want to be waiting around while someone has ANOTHER date, and would prefer to plan to get together a DIFFERENT NIgHt truth be told IF HE is dating more than one woman. That is my deal- don't leave me hanging so I WAIT For you when I could be doing other things with my time. If you are going to juggle multiple relationships do so HONESTLY without the other person waiting for your call or for you to show up etc... Its courtesy and I think he dOES NOT keep me in the loop although I HAVE kept him in the loop. That is what I find irritating. Because he said some nonsense about how THAT VERY DAY she said to add her to his phone and vice versa, so she suggested take the pics- that is why he had it -some nonsense to that effect. To which I said "Oh it seems natural to me that you have her picture because she is your friend". Now I saw a TEXT over a week ago so I don't appreciate when one lies to make something seem unimportant. I mean WHY LIE? Why pretend you just connected? I told him I didn't care of course that he has friends, but am just concerned as he COMPARTMENALIZES the areas of his life and is not very open or communicative about what is actually going on in other parts of his life which can be a challenge. As luck would have it for the reader (remember that part where I said I WAS ADDING to below written?) all the stuff I spewed EARLIER was inadvertedy deleted! WHEW This could have been (and WAS) even LONGER! Truth be told WE BOTH do better when on our medication! When mine runs out I am a little more sensitive. Add to that due to health issues , sex life has been tempered... and well you know THAT IS IMPORTANT in having the emotional connectedness. We have been working on learning massage skills together which I recommend every couple do! I think I however in my honesty may have offended him when I told him that since I have not been seeing anyone else HE IS IT in my life and I MISS the great massages I used to get! SOMETIMES There is a thing as too much honesty! I also know I AM RUSTY and needed to brush up on my massage skills, so we are trying. But how very ironic, on Friday I applied for a job to work in a whole foods store (one of the many jobs applied to THIS WEEK), and bought massage oils (Grapeseed for the base) and excitedly came home to make my own blends and then boyfriend was emotionally feeling pushed away!! Ce la vie... OK NOW I am ready to tackle this upstairs for a few hours as HAVE to get rid of clutter! Throwing shit out! I think I am going to listen to Hadestown by Anais Mitchell while I clean. Then I am going for a run. "Why do we build these walls? We build these walls to keep us free..."

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