2014-10-16 - 5:49 p.m.

I m so used to interviewing for jobs and then not getting them that I feel like I SHOULDN"T BE SAD that I just got the latest rejection call.

But seriously, this was a contract management gig that would have been just such a good fit for me. The company however did not agree...

Ce la vie.

But this time I am actually feeling SAD about this reject. That doesn't happen often.

I suppose its in part I got the REJECT from today's attempt to give blood... SHEESH

And the fact it was ADHD moments that interfered in what would have been an otherwise good job interview. I am sure I blew it by LOSING THE SHEET WITH THE ADDRESS on my way over, getting lost, having to stop and look up the address, so BEING LATE

Getting anywhere the first time is ALWAYS a challenge. I typically like to do a trial run. That is hard when borrowing a car.

I also blew it by talking too much again. (I KNOW I said some things I SHOULD HAVE EDITED. I mean the fact I am PROUD of being fiscally just rockin, which is something I could bring to contract management, perhaps should not be demonsrated by my assertion as an example that I don't have a car on the road and won't run one until I land a job. OUCH YEs I said that ! I should NOT have said that... I know... But I DID GET LOST and it was in context of THANKING the HR Person for interviewing me despite being 15 minutes late in arriving and apologizing to her that I ALSO said I don't have a blue tooth to make a call while in the car. SHOULD HAVE LEFT THAT OUT AS WELL!!)

So the start of the interview was shaky and it was likely OVER THEN

The rest of it seemed very solid to me . I assumed since she spent the next hour with me I actually HAD NOT BLOWN IT

What is funny is that when lost I picked a random company to stop at and ran in to get help from their security desk person in looking up this company's address. (Don't ever ask an ADHD person how they LOSE the completed homework, or the sheet they printed out the night before with DIRECTIONS to the job interview... we never know HOW IT HAPPENS. It just DOES)

So I got help from the kind security guard manning that desk of another random large corporation, got the ACTUAL address of the company where I WAS SUPPOSSED TO BE and made it on my way. THE PHONE # of the lady meeting was ALSO prominently on that LOST sheet of paper. (I Should have had REDUNDENCY!)

So I get to the place and when I apologized for being late said I stopped at the company I DID stop at- and lo and behold THEY USED TO ACTUALLY BE IN THAT VERY BUILDING AT THE VERY LOCATION WHERE I STOPPED.

WHAT ARE THE ODDS?

I think that weirdity of me going to their OLD LOCATION just randomly was what saved the interview at all. I think without that the HR person would not have met me. So I think that DID SAVE the interview and it was in fact not the lateness which is why I was not hired.

I think it was the OTHER ADHD moments of saying things I SHOULD HAVE HAD THE BRAINPOWERE TO EDIT OUT...
The inability to edit those responsive thoughts to a question quickly enough to not actually BE MY COMPLETE SELF.

As my oldest daughter said "BE yourself , but... NOT TOO MUCH"

YES I AM DAMN PROUD to not be throwing money away on a car, or a cell phone. But I have to get out of the mindset of that being something to be PROUD OF that should be mentioned in an interview!! UGH!!!

Why the hell did I have to blurt out BOTH those things ?

I should be able to think of something IMMPRESSIVE regarding budget management other than that!
UGH

In good news I DID at least find a couple of decent jobs that I applied for this week. There is still hope and possibilities.

Its just a downer today as this one was SWEET. Would have been an absolute blast to be the one contract manager supporting three attorneys in a mid sized company of 250 people which is rapidly growing. It had growth potential. I would keep taking the bar and that was the kind of place where that contract manager spot would be a good stepping stone to leadership in a company actually. I would have not minded at all that kind of professional and personal challenge. I was interested in the ability to use my prior management skill set, leadership ability and also would have LOVED to be in a job where I had authority to make decisions.

Its a funny thing. I have NO PROBLEM with filtering my brain WHEN WORKING. I can do so EXCEPTIONALLY WELL I DID NOT have ADHD verbal moments at work. (Those paranoia ones are a whole DIFFERENT story....and thankfully no incidents of paranoia in a LONG LONG TIME... I am steering clear of stimulants which brought those on terribly for me)

I feel healthy, stable, and CAPABLE. Yet I get into the interview and get NERVOUS and blow it.

I USED TO NEVER GET NERVOUS IN INTERVIEWS REALLY- the NERVES would hit AFTER any "performance" whether it was an interview or a debate or a public speech or presentation. This case of NERVES during the interview is new to me and it SUCKS.

OK, going to jump into more job hunting so I can get myself psyched up if I find another really good job that seems fun. That might be a pick me up.
THEN I am going for a run.

MCM 10 in just ELEVEN DAYS! SCARY

Excited and nervous about that a bit as have no idea what my time is and worry I can't run with my Marine and keep up at all! HE's at about nine and a half minutes a mile now. CRAP That is fast for me!!!

I think my last 5K time was a steady 12 min mile. I told him we should meet in the middle if he really wants to run together- but I think I made the mistake of forgetting my last time and said I thought I was at a 11 min mile, and he was at a 9 so he figured running a 10 min mile is meeting in the middle. SO my goal has been to push myself to try to hit a 10 min mile.

I think I am no where near that. BUT HEY in other good news I hopped on the scale just yesterday and was shocked to notice with surprise I dropped TEN pounds without trying to in the past few weeks from my running. Now I don't even run every day. But I do bike a lot to get around and adding running to that even two to three times a week apparently made a huge difference all of a sudden!

WOW THAT WAS A SURPRISE!! Totally unexpected and you know that is very motivating! I didn't exactly NEED to lose weight but it was good to drop that ten pounds.

OK So off to job hunt and try to run today in the RED ZONE and push myself to the limit. I have been taking it easy for the past few months and until last week really hadn't pushed to run hard and fast. I can do this!! The last time I felt ready to stop running I just thought about that BAR EXAM and how I am not a quitter but will keep going and pushing no matter how hard and how long it takes. That gave me the motivation to keep running. I pyched myself up that if I can do that, and study and take that damn exam over and over , surely I could muster just a LITTLE bit of self disciple to get my ass another half mile (even when I felt like stopping). IT WORKED I got pyched up thinking "I AM NOT A QUITTER! I CAN DO THIS I am RUNNING home and will write that damn letter asking the VA BAR Examiners if I can take the exam AGAIN"

That was on Monday of this week. I pushed through and did a six mile run that day, some in the red zone. I just jogged to run errands on TUE very little (and applied for a retail job at our local thrift store... Hey I have applied for waitressing, retail jobs, I am not ABOVE simple hard work for $10 an hour while looking to land the next legal job. I HATE THAT 'don't bother with 'overqualified' applicant mentality however as I get no calls on THOSE job applications! I will soon pound the pavement again in my town and hit up every help wanted sign) .

ON WED I skipped the run but DID write the letter to the VA BAR EXAMINERS and got it mailed asking to take the BAR Exam FEB 2015! I WAS 12 points shy of passing! Surely I can bridge that gap. I will even take a WHOLE NEW COURSE I am so close it seems worth it to keep investing just a bit more in ME *That is the way I look at it!

So today I am going to push myself again.

I may not have landed THIS particular job, but if I keep at it my hard work WILL PAY OFF and I will soon enough land THE JOB FOR ME.

(OK PEP TALK WORKING.... not feeling like I am going to cry now UNLESS someone says something unkind to me... if that should happen I will burst... but then again , maybe that would be nice. HEY IT WAS Raining out... a hard run in the rain might be what I need so maybe I CAN let a tear or two fall? LAUGH AT MY STUBBORN refusal to be soft...)

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