2016-02-19 - 7:05 a.m.

Its sad when you figure out one of your closest friends is a thief.

Seriously sad

I have no doubt that my friend is not trustworthy based on past and current behavior.

There is this water bottle that she asked me to borrow that I did not loan her simply because they are not available to purchase easily anymore. Its one with a kickin carbon filer which will actually filter stream water when hiking well, without putting iodine drops in and waiting 30 min. Very useful when hiking mountains on those long hikes when you don't want to be bogged down with weight carrying too much water in a camel back, but where you are hitting a mountain for days on end and are going to need more of a supply than can carry in.

The thing is, she doesn't do that kind of hiking.

I occasionally do, albeit only every few years or so.

Nonetheless, she was given the SAME water bottle as me and RUINED HERS Putting OJ in it!! So it really adds to the offense of her taking mine that she HAD her own but didn't LISTEN when told not to put anything but water in it! We were both given those bottle YEARS AGO from our hiking buddy/partner who both of us no longer are friends with. (Me because he proposed to me and I said no and then he just moved on; she because he told her he "tolerated" her and she discovered that they both didn't mutually really have any great desire to continue to spend time together. I think what really happened is her interest in spending time with him greatly waned when he moved out of the immediate area and to be frank that is ALSO a fair enough statement for me too... I mean WV is lovely but it really is logistically out of the WAY and made it much harder to continue to socialize with him. )

Truth be told for me I have the priority of my girls and its truly hard to nurture any friendships without any free time. So friends have tended to be those developed because they are logistically in our orbit! They are HERE available and interested in a nice balance of being my friend along with being a friend and someone I TRUST allowing into my children's world.

NOw this is the friend who is akin to Robin Hood. She is just a blast, she is great with the girls , she is motivating and been a support to me.

But she is a thief!

I noticed it a few times, just small things which disappeared and then reappeared in her place. Like a jar of CHAI TEA Spice I had JUST been excited to find which disappeared and just a couple weeks later was there in her kitchen. She said she *happened* to have bought the same one. NOT out of the realm of possibility, but I knew it to be false in the moment. I simply retrieved it.

I was annoyed at the time and called her on that.

I also called her and said

"HEY thanks for reorganizing the kitchen when you were here. Appreciated, however I notice that water bottle with the filer that I had tucked in the right corner on the top shelf that the girls know to NEVER TOUCH is gone. Let me know where you put it and if you borrowed it return it please as you know they are hard to get"

She called back and admitted "OH I grabbed a water bottle, I just grabbed the one that had a hook on top so I could clip it on my bag and didn't realize it was THAT ONE"

I said "YES IT is the COVETED water bottle that I definitely want back "

She laughed as I called it coveted, and claimed it was just a mistake.

I know however she is not that dumb. I know she figured I wouldn't have known EXACTLY where it was kept and miss it so soon after it was lifted. She likely ASSUMED it was not important to me and something I didn't really care about and wouldn't even miss.

In her Robin Hood morality she thinks it is just fine to take things from others that they don't USE and won't MISS apparently and then reallocate them to someone who NEEDS Them.

I am sure this is her ethical code.

So it makes me wonder what the hell ELSE she has lifted over the years. There were kids books she thought (honestly I believe) had belonged to her as she took them BACK after taking back stacks of books loaned to us. (They were SIMILAR and we had it out over that set of WORD BIRD books until she saw the mistake as her set was by the same illustrator! It was so frustrating however and at some point I just stopped CARING about small crap that got in the way of our friendship and chalked it up to MISTAKES on her part. Things that happen with sisters I presumed.... someone who is so close.

But the thing is, when I watch my girls I KNOW it is clear the one who is a liar and a thief.

YES one of my own daughters is afflicted with that serious problem.

She PRETENDS things are hers and I SWEAR SHE CONVINCES HERSELF

ITs pathological.

And it is clear my friend too who honestly will say that as a youth she had a serious problem being a pathological liar as a instinctive survival thing.... to protect... to have her needs met...

I get the whole psychology of it... the adopted kid who had early childhood abandonment being pulled from her family young.

We can blame the US War on Drugs for that

She was ripped from her home when her village was a war zone.

So I GET IT that she was then an ORPHAN living in convent homes until adopted. I GET it that she then continued to be challenged.
And I GET IT THAT SHE IS A bit crazy YES literally at times

Yet I continue to love her and forgive her and UNDERSTAND those failings

But the thing is, I know not to trust her with my stuff.

SO when I occasionally rely on her , it just teaches me to never have anything truly valuable around that I would actually really miss that she just might lift.

She is really good about resisting any urge to take things like jewelry (so I believe) She actually TOLD ME that she LOVES the one piece I have but would never take it. I think that is her way of keeping herself in check.
I feel like she takes things she BELIEVES are less value and won't be missed.
But who knows?

I have joked I could write a fabulous story about how she really is a jewel thief... and for all I could know IT COULD BE TRUE

All those homes worked in COULD have reproductions replacing originals? She just SEEMS like a poor housekeeper but REALLY all these years she takes those kind of domestic jobs off the books as she is making a killing and had bought some beautiful land and a home somewhere like Costa Rica....

Sheesh...

In any case, I HOPE I happened to have MISPLACED that envelope with the $45 for my last modeling gig. The thing is this girl is a professional ORGANIZER That is her business, cleaning and ORGANIZING homes and she is damn good at it.

REALLY ! She moved me from one home to another with EVERYIHING put away and in its place and unpacked in three days TOTAL. One day of the move with a hired crew and then two days of organizing. This was over five years ago. She is so damn GOOD at what she does.

Which is why it STINKS That she is not 100% TRUSTWORTHY

As I won't refer her for other work anymore. I can't trust her.

I had this envelope from my job that I tucked away I BELIEVE just stuck it in a clothing drawer. WHY? Because I had done the job, got paid cash but was TOO TIRED to stop at the bank that night and DEPOSIT the cash like I USUALLY DO after every modeling gig.

I have been REALLY diligent about that. The reason I didn't this time is because I had to go do laundry so needed that cash to take to the Laundromat.

I am still on a tight budget.
Made 1/3 LESS LAST year working than that actual amount pulled out of the 401K the year before to make ends meet.

I am working for far less than I can get I KNOW! But it is an OK Job and one I can do STRESS FREE without drama,
yes it is BORING
but I do it well

and truth be told I work for a "Quasi"governmental agency with "quasi work" sometimes ... HA HA

and enough down time to rest and be HEALTHY

AND STUDY

I do my work much faster I suppose than some and then I study.

I am in a job where I have a substantial amount of time to get PAID WHILE STUDYING

I am so stubborn I won't give up on my dream of passing the Bar Exam.

So this is job that suits me now as I can study while in it and get enough to live on with enough steady income that with tight budgeting otherwise I can actually afford to do things like take my girls to see a live show. ( We saw Hairspray this past weekend!)

Sure I could get $20 more per hour if I hustled to find a new job, but I ALSO would likely then have to DRIVE further.

Rockville MD or Washington DC and I just NEED MY SLEEP. I really don't want to have a long commute.

DC might be OK if I can sleep on a bus every day. But the trouble is the jobs that I would get that pay well might not be the kind that would be allowing me to LEAVE early enough EVERY day on a strict schedule to take the bus. I feel like if I take the job at $20 more per hour it is expected that I will not be 9-5 but rather AS NEEDED . Culture of the workplace is so important so I SEE the appeal of govt jobs. Seriously they pay well and people LEAVE WORK at 4:30 pm!
My boss is in by 7:30 or 8AM and most days leaves at 4pm sharp. Her husband DRIVES Her. They have a ROUTINE and they stick to it.

I can't imagine...

But then again I try to. This current job allows that possibility. But I take advantage of the fact she is flexible and not minding me rolling into the office at 9:30 or 10 Like MOST OF THE STAFF.

The difference is that I then work a full eight hours which is fascinating as I notice MOST OF THE STAFF then leave at 4 or 5 ANYWAY.

KEY IS THAT FULL TIME IS A 35 hour week!

Seriously my old corporate job was ALSO *technically* a 35 hr week. Truth be told many did work in those hours . I needed MORE time to get the job done.

So now I am being paid less than I am worth but I also do my work and have time to study. I had a job that I did very well but which I could not get done well in a 35 hour week.

So eventually I hope to land a job with that SAME salary in a position in which I can get the work done well in those 35 hours.

THAT WOULD BE NICE.

Eventually...

But truth be told, I am just too darn tired to look.

My boss told me some VP in the DC office keeps raving to me and said I should talk to him about a possible job when this gig ends... meaning a full time job , more "permanent" role rather than contract role.

Trouble is he works in DC

It just makes me TIRED to think of that.

At the same time I have a kid who is taking the essay test for one of the best high schools in the country and if she gets in (she is already on the semi finalist list) I would find the energy to commit to drive her THERE and pick her UP from there EVERY DAY if she wants to go there.

Isnt' that something?
Kids have this superpower capability
They transform tired parents somehow into suddenly having energy that is unimaginable

Some parents kinda morphe and go over the top in their transformation.... into these scary almost superhuman type of characters then seeking perfection... those helicopter parents who crank out amazing science projects, and micromanage kids homework etc...

I am more the type that will suddenly have a burst of energy and be able to wake up at 6:30 AM and get out the door by 7AM.

I am the type that will be motivated to buy the kid a public bus pass and train them to be able to use the system, and buy them a second hand BIKE and tell my kids they have all the tools they need to get where they want to go in life once I know I taught them how to ride.

However, I realize that this particular child has navigated this application process ON HER OWN because SHE SEES IT as her salvation.

Seriously

She is miserable unhappy, tells me she feels like she lives in a prison when at her Dad's house, but is HAPPIEST when she is doing geeky things like hacking her parents routers.

YEAH she has done that

Not that I am proud of it MUCH....

She better get into a school where she can use these skills with GUIDANCE rather than be on her own.

She made an elaborate pixel birthday cake and then spend time to find the gaming file on the desktop so she could create a url somewhere and send the link to her friend on his BD.

That is the kind of thing she does in her spare time for fun, along with writing stories. The kids takes CODE SCHOOL classes for fun. (fun fact I have to not forget to tell her, my bro just mentioned to me he has a friend who started Code School.. and I realized that is the same one the kid uses; yeah she comes by her geekiness very honestly. I also have to tell her to call her aspergery/ austimy (only cause never diagnosed) other uncle and talk about LYNIX as he got equally excited as she does about that topic when I told him she asked me if she could reformat our family desktop and run lynix on it. I don't even know how to SPELL Lynix correctly.... but give up on looking it up right now as I also am challenged on this laptop opening more than one window at a time.

And I am TIRED

Did I mention that?

YEAH

I am just always TIRED
with small bursts of energy here and there.

Trying to find that today

I have some things to do that need energy....

I am refraining from finding my next job until I find out where this kid is going to be attending high school.

There are a FEW possibilities. For safety I don't like to ever write about where my kids ACTUALLY will be. Just common sense.

She did however tell me she did well on the essay test for ANOTHER Techy school .

She made it to the final round of a few schools that are highly competitive.

So I am waiting as I really want ALL MY KIDS TO BE HAPPY, and for this particular one I think the right thing to do is be available to drive her to a school she wants to go to every day.

Heck if people in this area drive over an hour to go to jobs they are bored in EVERY DAY, I can do the same drive to get the kid to a school SHE WANTS to go to and find a job close to it.

My current one is not so bad actually for that purpose. Wish I could CONTINUE to work for my current boss who frankly does not care WHEN I GET IN. If I have stuff to do I get it done then go to work and work my hours. If I have to take time off early to go meet a kid at school having a panic attack I CAN.
No questions asked, no issue.

If I have to take off to take the same kid to follow up psychologist (which I a thinking might be a good idea... therapy or SOMETHING as I feel like as parents we really should NOT IGNORE this despite the fact kid does not WANT to go talk to someone) I CAN

I have a decent job with flexibility that meets the family needs, which is more important than money any time. (As long as basic financial needs met).

Its actually amazing how little I lived on last year considering cost of living here and I felt like our life is good!

Main rant here however is that envelope with the $45 disappeared. It was in my drawer as I was too tired to deposit it, and needed the cash for laundry , but in a weird way the OTHER and PRIMARY REASON I wanted to save that for a bit instead of just depositing the cash and tossing the envelope is that , and I know this might be silly, but that

I WAS MORE PROUD OF THAT $45 than any other personal accomplishment in a long while.

Such a small thing

The pay was $15 an hour and it was a two hour session

But the envelope had $45 in it.

So that means the artists just put money in and SOMEONE intentionally put extra

(Either that or they are not good at math)

Now perhaps it is silly, but I believed in the moment after receiving such thanks, genuine heartfelt GRATITUDE to me for assisting the artists in their creative work, and then having that extra kudo
I FELT SO WONDERFULLY VALUED AND APPRECHIATED

I was happy that even though I was tired that night, didn't feel like driving out to that art center , and wondered WHY AM I DOING THIS FOR SUCH LITTLE MONEY???

That after I went and sat for that session and turned out I sat for one of the most beautiful painters I ever worked for, who I worked for ten years ago,

I just felt so HAPPY. I felt so SPECIAL

I felt so VALIDATED PERSONALLY and moreso I felt such JOY at having been able to make a room full of others HAPPY . They were so in the zone and so very appreciative of the collaboration.

It was the closest to a zen moment I have experienced. When everyone is fully present and at the same time not at all conscious of self but just willing to GIVE what they can to CREATE something beyond and greater than themselves.

It was two magical hours of meditation and being spiritually connected in a way with a group, this amazing collective consciousness which is hard to encapsulate in words and hard to understand yet when one EXPEIENCES it they KNOW IT.

It happens to us all at some point or another. It has happened in drum circles, it has happened in classrooms, it happens at WORK It can happen when serving others slicing their deli meat , it can happen when coding with a collaboration of a team, it can happen ANYWHERE

But it happened to ME that night.
And it felt SPECIAL
And therefore I saved that envelope, as it was, really as I wanted to be able to come across that as a REMINDER.

YES I wanted to use the $45 when I needed it for laundry, but before then I wanted to come across it and just baske in the joy of the reminder.

So it felt like a violation that was taken.

And at the same time, somewhat ironic. Because of course my friend needs connection, she needs love, and she needs support. I am SURE she is scared just now and not admitting it fully. The home she has been living in is on the market and the man she has been in relationship with had decided to move on without her in every sense. She is hanging on, literally, and trying to find her next thing in life.
But she is honestly a bit lost just now. I understand that and try to forgive.
It just feels awful that when she has so few friends that SHE can trust she would hinder those very relationships that she relies on emotionally by such actions.

Oh well...
live goes on.

The other truly funny thing is she has a habit of tucking cash in her BACK POCKET and then DROPPING IT... so it seems unlikely she would steal money. I feel like taking things is her style, small things, but not MONEY .... so there is a possibility that my DAUGHTER took it (but the friend really did reorganize the drawers for me) AND THEN I JUST HOPE I REMEMBER WRONG and I put it somewhere else. I like to THINK that is a possibility.
Not likely...
but what the heck..

The thing is, when one STEALS something it makes them the first suspect when anything else goes missing!

Just a dumb thing to do.

Is a stupid water bottle worth risking a friendship over? Worth such a breach of trust? OR a jar of spices, or a set of kids books..
etc... etc..

I mean I feel like it is so not rational. That is what makes me have compassion as no one in their right mind would CHOOSE To do such dumb things over and over again. I feel like it HAS to be a compulsion

So I feel like the response should be empathy and compassion, with using caution in the future to not let one set themself up to be a victim.

Ok I feel better having vented...
ANd I did get the laundry done, bills paid and there was in fact still .22 left in my bank account yesterday! (HA HA Really.... I laughed at how close I was with my budget.)Today however is a new day, and pay day as well! WHEW

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