2024-05-01 - 6:28 p.m.

I am exhausted suddenly.
Its so frustrating to realize I am still just not feeling quite well.

I called to make a Dr. appt for myself; left a message.
I called the therapist that a random ask of "Alexa" to see who she recommended for PTSD EMRD-
came up twice as the pick.

That therapist is not well experienced in EMRD.

Some think it does not work and is psudo science.

I don't know it if is even science at all ( HA HA)
so would not call it psudo

Think more likely not enough research has ever been done in the scientific community; however there are anecdotally postitive reviews from those who have experienced it either as therapist or patient.

The studies out there don't know if the positives are due to it or the fact it is used in conjunction with psycotherapy and CBT Methodology known to be effective.

I however belive in the power of rhythm and sound and that the body is an instrument
so it makes perfect sense to me that the physicality of EMDR has healing properties uniquely its own.

It is using rhythm to reset nervous system

Same as any other regulating physial motion

Even work
typing can do this

Or exercise

dance
running

engaging in sports

sex

whatver one finds that both gives release of tension; pleasure and endorphine and dopamine hits in a somewhat regulated fashion ( not too excessive) so as to be healthy

Anything can be overdone.

It is just weird to feel NOT WELL when actually also feeling HAPPY and not having actual belief in some feelings. I mean there are still the illness of intrusive "thoughts" more like fleeting ideas -

not even believable to me

like I KNOW cognitively that:

It is ridiculous to be afraid to have my whereabouts always known/ traceable/ trackable/vulnerable

That I don't have to worry about being tracked/watched/ stalked

in this actual present moment.

YET Still having the fucking intense PTDS PHYSICAL Response

Like in fight or flight

EVEN when emotionally happy and just felt really grounded and safe and loved and secure a short while before when with my boyfriend.

Its wild.

Not any emotional swings; no-
no actual mood swings

but sudden paranoia.

Its not really sudden. Its like my body never got OUT of the PTSD triggered state when got triggered - at least not out completely BUT CAN for MOMENTS regulate; focus
be well enough

YET then some days

like today

Not necessarily any actual consious anxiety

no...
nah

I don't FEEL fear
I don't FEEL anxious

yet the ADHD is all in charge today,

like I did not even GO anywhere and had found it hard to get anythign done.
I just could not focus.

YES I swear I slept really well after watching TV!

In fact it was a GREAT day yesterday- worked a bit; took kid to her Dr. appt and was able to log in there and take a good work call.

The company I support is having an annual meeting and invited me to come. I would love to do so.
I am thrilled to have good work of value that I Know I am good at.

I am rocking work.

JUST SLOW these past few weeks of not feeling well. Post COVID PTSD kick in.

And it ,I know is triggered by serious commitment of being in love and wanting to move forward with marriage.

Oh yeah, did I mention that yet? I think I did. Sometimes I slip up and I refer to my boyfriend as my hubby. Heck I had a dream of nursing our child just the other night. LOL made me laugh
It was a beautiful dream.
It was so peaceful and I was sitting outside with the sun shining and trees and I think mountains around.

He was not in it HA HA but it was obvious it was our child in the dream.

YEAH I have always had this very strong maternal instinct and desire to have kids when in love I think. It just HAPPENS to me.

EVEN when I would not THINK about it- like the first born was not intended but can't say did not have the dream of that thought before I consciously chose to want to be a mother. Its like I am wired to be a mother. EVEN when thought was going to focus on career when young and thought it would be YEARS before motherhood considered.

Not all women are wired with that instinct being strong at all. Not all women are meant to be mothers, for sure. We are all different surely and it is just what it is that there is not better; just different. That needn't even be said of course but it just emerged here as you know I don't censor and just type thoughts as they fly out..

So in part I know my distractibility this AM was influenced by thinking this AM it would be relaxing to read as I walked Bella. I could not find the text indicating the Bible passage I am to read in preparation of being the liturgist at church on Sunday.

No could not find that; so instead put down the bible and picked up the novel- the "Romance Novel" HA HA as my kid said it obviously was; the author doesn't want to be pigonholed -

thinks of it as fantasy

my kid was like "Obviously romance"

YEAH it gave me the Harlequin vibe... was thinking the author could make a killing if did not consider that selling out and could crank out the formula- that is if she could write on demand and deliver and not lose the ability if it were a paid job suddenly as opposed to working for herself. Some don't do well with the constraint of expectations of others! HA

So after trying to work

OK Truth be told I did work A LITTLE BIT

I logged into one computer dedicated to client and made ONE EDIT ( one change meant to make but think overlooked as was rushing yesterday to pivot from one client to another on time for a meeting. I rushed to finish. I knew the one last thing wanted changed--- went back and made the redlines this AM. Took all of , what - 10 minutes? Maybe 15?

BUT THEN read and sent quick email msg; made a phone call ; sent an IM via teams

I mean now it was 30 minutes

TOTAL

YEAH I worked 30 minutes.

and was bumped off line.

THEN I can't count how much time doing other things and trying to TROUBLE SHOOT as to why off line.

It bothered me- that I was disconnected and could not connnect.

HECK YEAH it kicked in my PTSD a bit--OK so the confuence of the damn romance novel actually being more multilayered than expected; and better than expected; and actually yeah pretty REAL in its depiction of - fuck, actual PTSD
well
then reading an email from one security team
"Thanks for reporting this phishing"

Oh fuck, really?

Which at first felt very VALIDATING and made me REALLY HAPPY as it made me think

SEE I am NOT PARANOID

* Even if I know it is not really fucking phishing but was the very security ops team who likely logged in

HELL maybe it wasn't?

I really just assumed it was them?

BUT they said thanks for reporting the phishing; and the email address that accessed the system via ANDROID ( I had not) has been blocked access....

Whatever.

I doubt actually hacked- in my thinking brain that is,

YET is is fucking consistent with the netops security guys at another large company who would check my machine and be like
"fuck yeah I found some shit and removed it"
but also sometimes-

"Oh yeah there is a keystroke program; but it is uh... on all...."
whatever...

I mean I found the freaking security hacks to watch and ensure internal security that the company put out there on their network! HA HA

so I know not fucking paranoid about "big brother watching"

when I see something
I say something

OK let me amend that- I AM FUCKING PARANOID

but not when it comes to this kinda thing- as when I find shit it is actually there.

BUT FOR of course when it comes to my relationship.

I mean the freaky electronic shit is just NORMAL

I mean in the world we live in there is monitoring of every work computer. I couldn't give a crap about that-or a worry

I worry about possible EXTERNAL vulnerability.

To know my clients info; proprietary info is safe.

It is both validating to find the real normal crap found on any work machine; affirming that worry about that is worth just the very little time to set up a good security protocol

up front

once set up it is not a slow down

BUT it is aggravating getting it up and running and as a user knowing how to manage it.

It is easier working for the large company and become friends with the SOC-

and way better when they are salaried. Then I know not really wasting time when it doesn't take too long-- BUT I feel BADLY When working as a consultant for a small company and saw the contract or heard execs talk about keeping a handle on the cost of their own security

and I am the one that then has to call to engage them to check my machine for wonky shit

It also keeps happening

I mean I got that fucking very real message there was a log in from a phone

when it was not me.

In fact I had taken my kid to a Dr. appt. I dont' think I was even on line at the time that was reported the day that happened (yesterday I found it - the vulnerabilty was shown on the log for one company email I used.)

I assumed it was internal.

Maybe it is.

Maybe there is something that has NOTHING TO DO WITH ME that requires uptick in their security.

Whatever

I am not going to worry about that; and cognitively I DON"T

BUT I swear my body has a mind of its own! *HA HA

It can;t HELP but kick in fight or flight at every possible hack.

Its so fucking awful.

Hell I did not USE a fucking cell phone for years as I did not trust them. I got over that,

but its wild that the body still kicks into full blown PTSD physical state. The tightening of muscles; shallow breathing; At times realizing need to not hold breath;

SiGH

DEEP BREATH NOW a great idea!

Fuck I saw some funky on line estatic dance class. HA I should have signed up. It was today at noon via zoom. I should have just done that-

it might have helped to move

BUT then again
I also am having the pain in my legs; nuropothy after exercise. I think that is why I am also not as well because I used to go running and I can't do that now. The inense everceis was so regulating- but I have pain in legs just after the dog walk now.

SIGN

Good news anyway

Yesterday was good day.

Today may not have been. After obsessing trying to trouble shoot it was not til maybe 6pm I figured out

I had set up a kill switch on my VPN that I connect to the one client system through,

Once I connect if there is a drop in the VPN there is a drop in internet connection.

It is like a Literal SWITCH.

I literally have to log in and turn it back ON before I can connect again!

I find this ironic-
funny really.

SIGH

BUT I did really start the day strong. Beautiful dog walk; reading a novel

Then worked that one half hour before the constraint of being blocked;

Then I enjoyed sitting in lovely weather in my lovely back yard. I was THINKING How much I love working outside in my yard.

I was so happy with the work flow knowing I could knock off a few things today-

I was TRYING to enjoy it- and the weird thing is I have to say
yes I WAS enjoying sitting there

But then the brain would just not work FOR WORK
It was like
not only was the one computer ( that I left at my desk indoors) not connecting
but when logged onto the other client computer outside I had issues-
either sun too bright; could barely read;
or the dog needed attention;

or the internet then again dropped;

I don't even know if I successfully connected for long at all. I mean I again got maybe 30 minutes-
ok yeah; about 30 minutes for THAT client. I pulled some finalized documents and saved them in the shared drive. YEAH I DID GET WORK DONE

OK maybe a bit more- damn but my ADHD was in full gear and I did not write down times ( I am pretty consistent about doing so as if don't its near impossible to recall!)

SIGH I forgot the notebook to jot when started and finished ( GOOD THING FOR jouranleing or would not have billed this time)
YEAH I DID WORK
It just did not FEEL like it as it was the maintenance, clean up work-
the good practice of saving things in drive and checking off the to do list and more like the feel of mindless busy work
going through motions today

but feeling , well- see this now
disconnected

dissociated

in fact that might be what is going on today.

Writing helps identify it

The full blown PTSD dissociation

NO EMOTION

like reading the erotica but no reaction
and doing the work but no thinking- so yeah did busy work that required no critical thinking skills

cause I feel like my BRAIN is not working today

( well it is- just a bit. Enough But hell was not able to dig into actual critical thinking I had the one thought of finding the one provision and that was it.)

OK That is not actually true.

Because then I stopped to eat lunch. YEAH I ate lunch- and it was after working the little bit I did ( I have to log in and can see time of first email- time of saved files etc and have the actuals of what little did for that 2nd client. There is always a way to measure when not tracking in the moment).

It was like- never could get focused. Just ADHD

doom scrolled.

I made mistake of reading news.

OK so this is why not really actually true NO critical thinking skills today-
cause YEAH i did use them;
but just not good executive functioning skills of getting focused to get work done-

NO
moreso the
Mistake of seeing what is going on in Israel/Gaza and literally obsessed over that a bit.

I mean , for like HOURS

I have no idea how long.

I suppose this is the way of finding some emotional outlet? OF allowing my dissociating body and brain to get itself to emotionally react?

with some feeling?
Other than fear induced FREEZE

YES That is what happened to me

I have been in the FREEZE State all fucking day.

ADHD BRAIN is not quite right.

It was not like mind jumping from one thing to another

MORESO I could just not focus AT ALL on my work long enough to actuall draft a contract; to find all the moving parts to put them together, to find the email here, the request there, and create a statement of work cohesively.

My brain did not feel up to the task I guess.

I was also anticipating a possible negotiation.

See the thing is, even when in this state- if I get the call I can turn the brain on.
IT CAN perform up to the task

If I had not been hypersensitive to light ( It was too bright; then too hot) etc...
and could feel settled in my body
not a tense knot

I think I could have, if needed gotten work done.

What is so perplexing is that when in the FREEZE state there is this thing like the ADHD time warp.

I just don't know where the day went.

I doom scrolled Israel/Palestine

then in late , late afternoon figured what the hell. I will get ONE thing done.

I accomplished a bank deposit of the Wells Fargo check sent in a settlement for their despicable behavior.

Heck I had ranted about their antics and illeagal taking of money of poor people on here YEARS AGO.

They sent me a check for almost $1200 to reimburse for the so called "Sale" tacked onto my mortgage that I never consented to; for a product that never existed.

I called to make appointments.
The one therapist called back; no go- she does not consider herself an EMDR expert. I really want one at least with some level of certification in that.

AND
I took a lithium .

YEAH it works.

I have a couple pills left;

and I called my Psychiatrist. Cause I think about a month ago I had an episode and took one Lithium and felt the effects positively quickly- the next day felt normal; but I did not make the call then. I hoped it was a one off flare.

But it was not.

I fought the urge to take the bus and leave cell phone home and go log in somewhere other than home.

Thank God I go to spend tonight with my boyfriend. I just really need safety of his love and support just now and to relax and get a good night's sleep.
Tomorrow is another day.

I know this is so fucked up:
I was thinking I will order some comfort food. At work now at the part time job manning the phones for the healthcare facilty.

This is what is fucked up
I was thinking can order comfort food. Mac and Cheese BUT ALSO if order from Sheetz drinks
so I don't have to drink the water my boyfriend offers.

this is the fucking intrusive thoughts thing

fear of being poisoned
fear of my beloved trying to kill me

So fucked up

That is what happens after--

well the actual experience of one's actual beloved turning and then trying to kill you.

The feeling of the hands on the throat
the memory of being dragged by hair and thown in a ditch
the punch to head

Its just so messed that the feelings were blunted
frozen
held fast and in
in the moment when have to be able to act and survice

but then they emerge when actually SAFE for them to emerge later

Like could not stop and feel and process in the moment when had to act to live

So they come up WHEN SAFE

I GET THIS

this is why my kids at times have been ugly to me. They processed their anger with p projection onto me. I never want to do that! I don't fear I could. I have more understanding of this trauma thing...
unfortunately
But the body/brain/mind/spirit is a fasinating intertwined connection of our being that is wild how each manages to handle such horriffic reality.

I think of the gal I watched through my basement window as she screamed at her boyfriend "Don't touch me!"
as he cowered and she was in fact pummeling him. He was in the corner of the room, cornered and being hit by her over and over

in what I witnessed and can only interpert as an intense PTSD Flashback

So yeah

I know it could be worse

I am FORTUNATE
I don't get nightmares

I don't do that- the projection of REALLY Thinking a thing of the past is real in the present.

I am thankful and grateful it is not like that for me and is only these SMALL FLEETING THOUGHTS

I have to reiterate they are fleeting
I know they are nonsensical

But is is the visceral state of my body which lingers.

Writing helps

It is my way of self regulating.

I can't imagine ANYONE wantting to , or even actually reading this! (God it must be just an awful read)

I hope I never trigger anyone else!
OH MY that would be awful

I hope maybe somehow I give solace to someone else.

Somehow I encourage somoone else

Somehow I help someone else

to get help

to not be afraid

to know they too can succeed in life EVEN WITH PTSD

That yes you can be loved and are lovable

and yes you can work and are capable

you just have to not deny and learn to manage your illness

and NO it is NOT YOUR FAULT

YOU DID NOTHING WRONG

to have been exposed to such trauma

IT WAS NOT YOUR FAILING

morally
or intellectually
or as a person in any way

there is No REASON that your abuser abused you

NONE WHATSOEVER

So take care of self; rest as needed; take a day off if need be to nurture self; find a therapist; exercise self care- figure out what makes your heart sing and know that you will be alright.

KNOW YOU ARE LOVABLE

first of all

Love yourself

I suppose I should leave you all with that tonight; as I order my Mac and Cheese - splurging with door dash-

oh and yes; water and gatorade. I know .... but so be it.. for now.
DO what you all need to do for your self care.
Even if a bit cooky-
as long as it doesn't hurt self or others.

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