2001-01-31 - 19:19:07

Its very close to dismissal time at the elementary school my oldest daughter attends. Her younger siblings, the 8 mo old baby sister, and brother and who is 5, are both napping- so I should do so too for at least a few minutes. However I felt compelled to test this out to be sure I am in the world of diaryland...

I just read through a list of recommended Newbery books in order to pick a few I think my daughter's 2nd grade teacher should use with her. One day last week when I was at the school, the teacher took me aside and said she has a dilemma in trying to find books on my daughter's reading level which are also age appropriate for a 7yr old. She said that her daughter, who is also the same age, would just freak out if she had read a book about a mother dying! So she was reluctant to have Katerina read anything without running it by me first. I said that Katerina has already had to deal with divorce, which is psychologically very similar to dealing with the death of a parent- as it to is a dramatic and painful loss for a child of their family as they know it-- so I am not concerned about her reading about that. The teacher looked surprised.

Well I started off just using the impersonal "my daughter" and had even gone back to change names and rephrase so that all the kids names were not in this entry-- but here I am on only page one of this diary and I already give up attempting to censor myself.

I submit to the muse... or to my inner hidden ego,( or id??) or whatever it is that gives me the urge to ramble on without thought of whoever may read this. I really do get lost in my own ideas and enjoy the wonderful freedom of self absortption of a journal (or any other art form!)

I once wrote a paper for a class on Edgar Allen Poe about Poe's morbid yet beautiful portrayal of how trus artists always destroy themselves in the process of creation. The bane of creativity,, that one crosses that fine line between genius to insanity.

Yet the question remains-- is the artist driven insane through the self absorbed reality shift undergone in order to create-- or is the visionary one who was insane in the first place, and by virtue of that has that ability to shift paradigms and see beyond where others are limited?

Either way-- I don't wish to lose touch with reality. I suppose that is a reason I am not innundated in a life of artistic creation. I am simply too sane to have such vision, and wish to stay that way.

Rather than take the plunge myself, instead I have found that often in my life I surround myself with obsessively creative geniuses. And in that process struggle not to be the one destroyed in that path of self destructive creativity.

Yet I love and yearn for the thrill of recognizing and apprechiating the incredible beauty and original creativity of a geniuses work- particularly when the work pushes the limits of what is conventional.

This brings me circularly back to the discussion of my quite brilliant yet pained daughter. She is a second grader who has aged beyond her years as she has delt with loss of her family as she knew it- through divorce. But more than that-- through pervasive mental illness of her father- a talented but tortured jazz musician.

Her teacher will be surprised at the delight I found in reading the description of the book Dicey's Song- in which a girl comes to terms with the hospitalization and subsequent death of her mother from mental illness. My comment next to that book was "A DEFINATE pick for Katerina!This will likely be an important book for her as it deals with the re-shaping of family which Katerina has personally experienced."

I stopped myself short of adding after that clause about family "and mental illness of a parent"

Sometimes adults are the ones who are not yet ready to handle all the reality of life.

Katerina's teacher isn't

Nor was Katerina's father

P.S. It is July 30 th and my husband is traveling This gives me unlimited time on AOL - as it is a shared acct he typically uses for work. Thus I get little time on it during daylight hrs! I am taking this opportunity to EDIT all these entrys to change names. So much for uncensored writing.... I'll do my best to be hones though and hopefully the psudonames won't break my flow when I do journal.

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