2003-11-03 - 11:04 a.m.
Let me try this again! This is the THIRD time I am writing an entry on the same topic ! I keep accidentally hitting "ADD AN ENTRY" after I am all done- rather than that the "DONE" button below-- and in an instant my words have all disappered and I see a new blank page ready for text..... FRUSTRATING! I did this a few daya ago, and then again a few mintues ago!
In Westley fashion, although he never actually says "I'm sorry" or "I shouldn't have done that" or "I was wrong", I am very happy with what I see as the equivalent in his BEHAVIOR changes! He did decide to re-work the budget to include a monthy amount for my discretionary spending! HE must have realized that his attempts at controlling the budget became overly controlling behaviour of ME when he freaked over me buying hallpween candy to distribute to neighborhood kids!
The act of me asking my parents to mail me a calling card after he took away the phone made him take pause as well. HE realized that his acts were wrong or he wouldn't have seemed embarassed that I shared them with my parents. Mom and Dad sent me the requested card, and were wonderfully supportive in this marital tiff without being judgemental. (IMPROVEMENT! YAH!)
After I discussed working outside the home, Westlay also acknowledged that it is to his FINANCIAL advantage for me not to! And as such he acknowledged he WOULD compensate me by giving me a monthly discretionary spending budget. HE ackowledged that it IS a personal sacrifice on my part to not have as much freedom because I am willing to not work outside the home to be here for all our children. HE also made a HUGE attempt to not be so controlling with all things and very intentionally turned over our yearly donations to me- saying "YOu take care of it all" He's trying to relinquish some of that financial control and have trust in me. THat is a HUGE thing for him. SO although he never said "Yes I recognize I am controlling", this acts make it clear he WANTS to have a healthy relationship and he is therefore changing his behavior. Hopefully he can maintain those changes and TRULY not be controlling about how I actually spend that money allocated to me! I think he finally gets it thought- that I NEED to be an individual and as such have the need to do some things myself without his input. I NEED to be able to be self actualized! I think he realizes that I won't allow him to stifle my individuality, so he can either support ME as a unique person, or I will not be happy, and I will take steps to support me in my personal needs. (Like work! ANd he knows every penny I make means time in childcare for him - or worse MONEY for childcare.)
Westley also agreed to "give me" his interest in the Violin we recently bought- which I intend to use my discretionary spending to fix then GIVE to Katerina as a gift. Not as a gift for her BD or Christmas- but just and outright gift because I want her to have it. I think he must have agreed that the ownership he asserted WAS an issue of control! So I happy about that change!
It also feels good for him to know the books I am reading- which I freely leave around. Its good for him to be fully aware of how I see certain behaviors, and to be aware OTHERS view them the same way! It is healthy for him to know I do talk to people about our relationship and for him to get over the issue of me talking about him- as its a HEALTHY thing to do. I have asserted that I talk about ME-- and MY life, and since he is my husband I have a right to talk about ME in relaiton to him to my frineds and family when I have the need!
His aunt and uncle in Texas were again a source of support when we faced this latest relapse in our relationship. They called to wish us a happy anniversary (which sadly both Westly and I forgot about!!! WE instead were fighting that day!!) They then sent us a Dr. Phil show about dealing with anger. It was good. I watched it last night. Although it was sent to us, Westly said "Fuck Dr. Phil" after he watched only a few minutes int he middle of the show. He refuses to watch it... but that's OK- I won't push that issue! As long as I continue to see positive improvement and he continues to interact with me with respect and love, I don't worry at his cynicism and self denial! I will continue to work on ME- and our relationship from MY perspective, and for the benefit of the children and let him take responsibility and accountibility for himself. His issues are his to figure out (or not!) The good news is that I assert how I wish to be treated, and what I will not accept, and he has stepped up to those expectations over time! YAH!!