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2004-03-02 - 1:07 p.m.

Westley went to VA this past Friday. On Sat I enjoyed a wonderful visit at the Buffalo Zoo with all the kids and two of my old friends who I used to work with at Austistic Services in a group home. One of the gals has a little toddler boy of his own, so it was fun to see him as well. What was most lovely was that because it was so hectic with all the kids at the zoo requiring our attention, that my thoughtful friend gave me a call to REALLY catch up with her than night upon returning home. We talked long into the night about a large variety of things, and I connected with her in a way I haven't with any friends in some time.

Another wonderful thing happened that day! As I was literally heading out of Buffalo I made one last call to my law school friend who I hadn't yet gotten a hold of, and she answered her phone thrilled to have us stop by! So we stopped at her house in Amherst, not far from the University at Buffalo where we both were at school together. It was terrific to visit her new home and see just how lovely it is! She left the dive she had gotten by in, and has a spacious bright apartment across from a nice elementary school with a playground where Katerina and Soren enjoyed playing. After the zoo all the little ones were zonked out, so I just ran in to see her apartment briefly and then we sat and visited outside while the little ones napped for the next hour. They did awake to receive plentiful snacks for the ride back home! It was also so wonderful to meet once again (although briefly) her current boyfriend, who is just a wonderful guy! As we were ready to go, he pulled up along with her lovely two year old he had taken with him as he ran errands to give my friend a much needed rest as she is tired after her work week of counseling the inmates at the correctional facility! Her boyfriend is so wonderful to her! I am so pleased she is doing well and accepts that she IS WORTHY of someone to treat her well!

Yesterday, I found a few dollars in my purse, and I was heartwarmes, and tears swelled in my eyes as I KNOW my friend who has so little herself and struggles MUST have slipped them in there after I visited her. As she gave me directions to her apt I had asked her how to get there by the city streets rather than the Thruway and she perceptively commented "Do you have exact toll money again?" And I said, "Yes- you know how it goes with me. I never have any extra cash on hand. I had a few container return refunds in my purse I forgot to use at the store, so I stopped in and redeemed them for the toll money!"

I did have LITERALLY the EXACT amount needed for the trip that day! While I have access to a credit card for any food or gas, I seldom have cash unless Westley gives it to me, and I didn't get any from him when he left town. I unfortunately don't have my own bank account at this time- as I haven't had any work lately and all I earned this year went right to the violin.

I do have a goal of opening my own account again with my next paying job.

I was disappoined that our friend here Hasn't had any of the hoped for sewing work for me, and in fact told me he only had a large order of 50 shirts all the same which he sent out to an embroidery company. I was disappointed and said "I thought that's what the work would be!"

He said, "No, I give my sewers boxes with variety. If I give large orders like that I lose sewers... its so mundane, and I don't get the work back fast enough"

I had expected to get repetetive sewing, and hoped for a large order. I intended on staying up all night for a few nights to get it done immediately.

He doesn't TRULY understand that I, although the spouse of a well off husband, am personally in GREAT desire of work to earn money. Without my own money I have NO FREEDOM to do the things I want, for myself of the kids. I only have the ability to then ask and cajole and argue to try to get Westley to acquiese my desires. I am long past doing any of those things and choose to do without rather than be so demeaned in relation to one who is SUPPOSED to be my equal partner in life.

So my friend's gife was a great one! If I return a few canned goods we don't really need and get cash back, with a few more bucks I can take all the kids to the school sock hop on Friday!! YAH!!! That's the kind of thing that Westley will not choose to spend his money on!

HE values homes and cars and tangible goods that apprechiate in value more than shared experiences. We couldn't be more different in that regard.

He can leave the children money and goods.

I hope to leave them memories of shared fun time together, not merely of shared time WORKING as a family together.

I do think there is value in ALL THESE THINGS. Because of that, I believe the differences of Westley and I provide a healthy balance for our family life. And because of that I think it is worth my sacrifice of some of my goals and desires in acqiecence of his. (NOTE i said SOME, not ALL!) I know we each bring things to each others lives, and the lives of the children, that we, and they would otherwise not be enriched by.

That being said, I CAN"T WAIT to earn my own income!!

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