2004-12-08 - 6:39 p.m.
SUNY Potsdam Webmail Form
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Message sent at: Wed Dec 8 18:29:37 2004
The form that sent this is located at http://www2.potsdam.edu/goodmajk/Questionnaire/Questionnaire.html
1. did you actually go to court for custody of your child(ren)? - yes or no: YES Temp custody now granted to father while case pending
2. what are the circumstances that led up to your ending up in court?: MY current spouse went overboard in disciplining my daughter for lying, resulting in her head being banged against the wall. I responded most strongly and actually called the police to emphasis that I will not tolerate violence in our home. My Ex filed for custody over a month later alledging "emergency" and retained the kids after a visit (which was at their grandmother's - his mother's! )
3. what was the outcome?: Temp custody granted to Father based on so called "Emergency"
4. what was your case against the father?:
5. what was the father's case against you?: None in particular against me personally. Alleged that my spouse had hit my daughter in the head and that there is a case that was brought forth in VA based on this alleged battery and alleged that my husband refuses to attend anger management.(All allegations in the petition are factually incorrect. No due diligence was actually done, nor has a response been given as of yet.)
6. what were the judge's stated reason(s) in the actual decision, that the father got custody?: NOne! Merely..."As the matter having duly come on to be heard before this court".... so apparently based only on Emergency jurisdiction until the court can determine the veracity (or more accurately lack thereof) of the allegations.
7. did anything happen during the court proceedings that made you feel that any of the following were biased? - yes or no: YES
7a. description of the incidents - judge:
7b. description of the incidents - law guardian: My Ex brought forth the petition and I received a summons to appear for a court date set in Buffalo NY just eleven days after giving birth to a newborn. (I am out of state- in VA) The law guardian CALLED MY HOME the night before the proceeding (at 8pm to be exact) I was in fact preparing to drive all night long, but told her I found it ridiculous that I was given only a few days notice, and that it was unreasonable for me to travel under my circumstances. She said "You can ask for an adjournment. I can tell the court of your situation and you can call the first thing in the morning. Call immediately at 9am, and I will also tell them you are seeking an adjournment."
I trusted she was forthright in her comment- and chose NOT to travel at that time. The court HEARD the CASE in part... being my Ex's part-- which INCLUDED COMMENTS AND RECOMMENDATIONS OF THE LAW GUARDIAN to retain the children as in my conversation she indicated "Mother has substantiated some of the claims. Suffice it to say Social Services is involved in VA"
(I had the law clerk mail me a copy of the transcipt)
WHat the law guardian didn't indicate was that I HAD ACKNOWLEDGED that CPS visited us - and that the worker indicated HE RECEIEVED A CALL FROM NY-- SO obviously my Ex initiated their involvement. THE CPS worker did not come back as he was satisfied that what occurred was indeed an unfortunate mishap during discipline, which in VA - is actually not a violation of law as corporal punishment is indeed statatuorily protected (REGARDLESS OF MY PERSONL DIFFERENCE OF OPINION WITH MY CURRENT SPOUSE REGARDING THIS ISSUE)
MOST IMPORTANTLY OF ALL_-- THE LAW GUARDIAN WAS CONVINCED I WAS "MINIMIZING" THE SITUATION, wheras I felt I was indeed being VERY aggressive and PROACTIVE as well as reactive in addressing the concern I have regarding physical discipline. I was upfront with the law guardian about the ACTUAL facts of what occurred, but she obviously already had her mind made up to believe the story of my EX who was not even present at the incident in question. SHe clearly was MANIPULATIVE in calling me at home, without having yet retained an attorney myself, and in acting like she would be helpful in securing an adjournment. WHEN I MET her later I was surprised to find she was not a young novice unaware of the COurt's policy that an adjournment must be requested 48 hours in advance, but was well experienced, and indeed was a past president of the Women's Bar Association. Clearly not naive-- and clearly very good at her job in the sense she knew how to stack cards in favor of her opinion such that the judge didn't even have to think, but could feel good they "saved" more kids!
7c.: description of the incidents - forensic psychologist:
7d. description of the incidents - your own lawyer:
7e. description of the incidents - social services: CPS in VA came to visit us at the initiation of my EX in NY. They didn't AGREE with my husband's discipline- but can't do much as it is in fact perfectly legal here to spank kids.
8. were you employed before and/or during the custody dispute? - yes or no: No -
8a. type of youremployment and job title.: freelance legal assistant (IN other words JD but no state BAR)
8b. how long were you employed?: past 5 years do part time work processing occassional H1B Visas for attorney's offices and corporate counsel.
8c. your approximate income.: $100 per hour
9. was the child(ren's) father employed before and/or during the custody dispute? - yes or no: YES
9a. type of father's employment and job title.: data entry for a research project
9b. how long father was employed?: 6 months
9c. father's approximate income.: $10 per hour (I guess)
10. prior to, and/or during the custody dispute, did either you or the child(ren's) father leave the martal residence? - yes or no: YES
10a. if yes, who left?: I did
10b. with the children? - yes or no: YES
11a.1. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent arranging child care - mother?: 100
11a.2. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent arranging child care - father?:
11b.1. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent picking up/dropping off child(ren) - mother?: 100
11b.2. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent picking up/dropping off child(ren) - father?:
11c.1. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent staying home when child(ren) was(were) sick - mother?: 100
11c.2. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent staying home when child(ren) was(were) sick - father?:
11d.1. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent bathing child(ren) - mother?: 100
11d.2. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent bathing child(ren) - father?:
11e.1. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent buying food for family - mother?: 100
11e.2. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent buying food for family - father?:
11f.1. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent doing homework with child(ren) - mother?: 100
11f.2. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent doing homework with child(ren) - father?:
11g.1. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent attending school conferences - mother?: 100
11g.2. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent attending school conferences - father?:
11h.1. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent attending sports/school/music activities of child(ren) - mother?: 100
11h.2. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent attending sports/school/music activities of child(ren) - father?:
11i.1. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent taking child(ren) to doctor - mother?: 100
11i.2. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent taking child(ren) to doctor - father?:
11j.1. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent organizing birthday parties - mother?: 100
11j.2. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent organizing birthday parties - father?:
11k.1. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent disciplining child(ren) - mother?: 100
11j. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent disciplining child(ren) - father?:
11l.1. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent organizing play dates - mother?: 100
11l.2. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent organizing play dates - father?:
11m.1. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent responding to emotional needs of child(ren) - mother?: 100
11m.2. prior/during custody dispute, percentage of time spent responding to emotional needs of child(ren) - father?:
12. did the father ever engage in extramarital affairs? - yes or no: YES
12a. response to the child(ren's) father extramarital affairs - judge: FActs not yet presented. Nor will they likely be as we have been divorced 5 years not so not likely relevant.
12b. response to the child(ren's) father extramarital affairs - law guardian:
12c. response to the child(ren's) father extramarital affairs - forensic psychologist:
12d. response to the child(ren's) father extramarital affairs - your own lawyer:
12e. response to the child(ren's) father extramarital affairs - social services:
13. did you ever engage in extramarital affairs? - yes or no: NO
13a. response to your extramarital affairs - judge:
13b. response to your extramarital affairs - law guardian:
13c. response to your extramarital affairs - forensic psychologist:
13d. response to your extramarital affairs - your own lawyer:
13e. response to your extramarital affairs - social services:
14. did the child(ren's) father ever engage in sexual abuse of the child(ren)? - yes or no: NO
14a. response to sexual abuse of the child(ren) by the father - judge:
14b. response to sexual abuse of the child(ren) by the father - law guardian:
14c. response to sexual abuse of the child(ren) by the father - forensic psychologist:
14d. response to sexual abuse of the child(ren) by the father - your own lawyer:
14e. response to sexual abuse of the child(ren) by the father - social services:
15. were you ever accused of engaging in sexual abuse of the child(ren)? - yes or no: NO
15a. response to your alleged sexual abuse of the child(ren) - judge:
15b. response to your alleged sexual abuse of the child(ren) - law guardian:
15c. response to your alleged sexual abuse of the child(ren) - forensic psychologist:
15d. response to your alleged sexual abuse of the child(ren) - your own lawyer:
15e. response to your alleged sexual abuse of the child(ren) - social services:
16. did the child(ren's) father ever engage in violence against you or the child(ren)? - yes or no: YES
17a. did you ever go to the hospital for this?
- yes or no:
17b. did the child(ren) ever go to the hospital for this? - yes or no:
17c. were the police ever called for violence against you? - yes or no:
17d. were the police ever called for violence against the child(ren)? - yes or no:
18a. response to violence of you or the child(ren) by the father - judge:
18b. response to violence of you or the child(ren) by the father - law guardian:
18c. response to violence of you or the child(ren) by the father - forensic psychologist:
18d. response to violence of you or the child(ren) by the father - your own lawyer:
18e. response to violence of you or the child(ren) by the father - social services:
19. were you ever accused of engaging in violence against your child(ren) or their father? - yes or no: NO
19a. did child(ren) ever go to the hospital for this? - yes or no:
19b. did the father ever go to the hospital for this? - yes or no:
19c. were the police ever called for the father? - yes or no:
19d. were the police ever called for the child(ren)? - yes or no:
20a. response to your alleged violence against the child(ren) or their father - judge:
20b. response to your alleged violence against the child(ren) or their father - law guardian:
20c. response to your alleged violence against the child(ren) or their father - forensic psychologist:
20d. response to your alleged violence against the child(ren) or their father - your own lawyer:
20e. response to your alleged violence against the child(ren) or their father - social services:
21. how would you describe the style of discipline you used?: I have experience for over ten years with developmentally diasabled in a group home setting, so use many of the methods I have been trained in at work: Extinction via planned ignoring of attention seeking maladaptive behaviour, praise for positive behavior, Distraction for young children, positive reinforcers, natural and imposed negative consequences (like losing out on a privalege: ex: If have an outburt in the car- go home as not socially appropriate thus miss the park etc....) and time out when all else is not appropriate
My spouse uses those old world very victorian styles of discipline: spanking for serious offenses like lying and defiance. Time out, negative reinforcers for less serious offenses.
22a. response to your style of discipline by the judge:
22b. response to your style of discipline by the law guardian: Completely negative to my husbands old world style convinced it is absolutely abusive and assuming there is more to it than I related! She assumes that no one would ever tell it like it is! (HE in fact has a sociology degree and is a fan of Dewey and talks about all the sociological studies and invokes a 2000 year history in defense of his parenting.He believes the 50 year history of the perversiton of the intent of psycology which he considers a "so called" Science is largely responsible for the overwealming attitude against the use of traditional discipline)
22c. response to your style of discipline by the forensic psychologist:
22d. response to your style of discipline by your own lawyer: Skeptical of what I tell her (A friend of the law guardian's ???? She seems to believe her version more than mine.... says to me "I have a counseling degree too... and you act like a spousal abuse victim the way you are nervous and laugh" She doubts MY credibility! But I can't afford a kick ass male lawyer...
22e. response to your style of discipline by social services:
23. how would you describe the style of discipline the child(ren's) father used?: Non existant as he was never in the role of fathering. He has only been critical of the structure and discipline of my home with my current spouse. Interestingly as they have now been with him he has indicated he had to discipline my son for not bringing home homework. (Something we wouldn't discipline for.. as the consequnce would be the negative reinforcer... and we'd emphasis that,, wheras he HAS NOT disciplined him for lying when my son overly lied to me on the phone. SO style may not be that different, but core values of what are offenses that should be disciplined for ARE what differ.)
24a. response to the father's style of discipline by the judge:
24b. response to the father's style of discipline by the law guardian:
24c. response to the father's style of discipline by the forensic psychologist:
24d. response to the father's style of discipline by your own lawyer:
24e. response to the father's style of discipline by social services:
25. did the child(ren's) father ever abuse drugs or alcohol? - yes or no: YES
26a. was the father ever arrested for driving while impaired?- yes or no: NO
26b. did you ever ask the father to attend a drug or alcohol treatment program?- yes or no: YES
26c. did the father regularly drink more than two drinks per day? - yes or no: YES
27a. response to father abusing drugs or alcohol - judge: Court ordered drug and alcohol testing weekly. My EX only established his own residence and went through a re-hab program just the MONTH before he sought custody after 10 years of abuse issues. He goes to AA nightly.
27b. response to father abusing drugs or alcohol - law guardian: said "I am aware he has a terrible past history, but HE has been very open and honest about that." AS if BECAUSE he is now aware and admits his drug and alcohol abuse its not a problem!
27c. response to father abusing drugs or alcohol - forensic psychologist:
27d. response to father abusing drugs or alcohol - your own lawyer: States "The law guardian is VERY suspicious of your husband, and not suspicious enough of their Father."
27e. response to father abusing drugs or alcohol - social services:
28.1. were you ever accused of abusing drugs or alcohol? - yes or no: NO
28.2. did you do so? - yes or no: NO
29a. were you ever arrested for driving while impaired? - yes or no:
29b. did the father ever ask you to attend a drug or alcohol treatment program? - yes or no:
29c. did you regularly drink more than two drinks per day? - yes or no:
30a. response to your abuse of drugs or alcohol - judge:
30b. response to your abuse of drugs or alcohol - law guardian:
30c. response to your abuse of drugs or alcohol - forensic psychologist:
30d. response to your abuse of drugs or alcohol - your own lawyer:
30e. response to your abuse of drugs or alcohol - social services:
31.1. is there anything that leads you to believe that there was illegal collusion between your judge, the law guardian, your ex's lawyer, and/or any other group? - yes or no: YES
31.2. please explain this suspected collusion.: Possibly as at the last hearing my attorney was concerned and commented "That looks like a conference with the judge!" and she then went to observe as she believed she saw my EX and his attorney go to talk to the judge WITHOUT HER after the judge ordered full psycological testing of myself and my spouse and my EX seeking custody.
32. do you pay child support to the father? - yes or no: NOT YET
33.1. do you believe child support has anything to do with why the father
fought for custody? - yes or no: YES
33.2. if yes, please explain?: A RESPOUNDING YES!! I had filed a case to establish and enforce a child support order after 5 years of deliquency on the part of the father. It took over a year for him to be "located" by the social services office of Child Support Enforcement. The case is to establish current support and arrears. I received a letter dated 08/19/04 that the case was finally sent to Erie County, NY as he was found (now working finally after unemployed for years, so his social security # showed up) HE filed for custody 08/22 I am willing to bet he caught wind of the fact he was being sought out.
34.1. did you fight for custody because of child support? - yes or no: NO
34.2. if yes, please explain?: Would have anyway.
35.1. judge's name:: Hendeges
35.2. county:: Erie
35.3. state:: NY
35.4. age::
35.5. gender:: Female
35.6. years on the bench:: not even one She was appointed to fill a vacacny Wasn't re-elected
36.1. your age:: 35
36.2. race:: Caucasian
36.3. county:: Loudoun
36.4. state:: VA
37. child(ren's) father's age:: 36
38. were you married to the child(ren's) father? - yes or no: YES DIVORCED 5 years
39a. 0-5 years old:
39b. 6-10 years old: one child age 9
39c. 11-15 years old: one child age 11
40. gender of child(ren) - male or female: one male, one female
41. anything else relevant to your case that might help explain why you believe you lost custody of your children?: Temporary custody lost as no fact finding was done. Assumptions were made and not challenged as my attorney thought it best not to (as she seems to not BELIEVE ME and says "You'll make a terrible witness") My attorney also failed to file a motion to change venue despite the fact my domicile has been VA for 5 years as she is convinced the court won't grant it based on the so called "emergency" nature under the PKPA. The kids and I also spent a year in NY while our VA home was under construction and we moved back 5 months before the case was brought- so they believe they have jurisdiciton. (although we visited NY and maintained the VA
domicile)
Overall I lost custody because when ONE INSTANCE Of overboard discipline DID OCCUR I ADMITTED AND ACKNOWLEDGED AND STRONGLY REACTED TO PREVENT HARM TO CHILDREN and then communicated about this TO my kid's father in the hope he could offer RE_INFORCEMENT of parenting that kids can't lie- and emotional support that even if they do lie- kid's don't deserve to be hurt by ANY ADULT! REGARDLESS of whether it is discipline or not! So my strong stance AGAINST violence, in protection of my children, has subeqently been used as an EXCUSE to get custody. ANd the kicker-- why is this happening, not because my EX cares for the kids and wants them, as the fact is HIS MOTHER IS THEIR CARETAKER WHEN IN BUFFALO!! IT's because she the GRANDMOTHER who has a dysfunctional lost alcoholic drug addicted son, WANTS her grandchildren and is being manipulative... and because Their Father can now AVOID the responsibility of child support he was about to face, as well as continue to avoid any parental responsbibilies (As Grandma, his mother the ULTIMATE ENABLER is still doing much of the child care - since he is at his AA meetings nightly!)
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