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2005-01-22 - 11:09 a.m.

I'm nursing the baby now so I thought I'd take the opportunity to write since I have to sit for a rare change anyway!

I basically sit still only when either nursing her, reading or typing- Oh and the obligatory reading and giving attention to children which I CONSIOUSLY do with each of them daily.

Babe is now interested in what I am doing and has stopped nursing! I have to admit I've always been an impatient nurser.... so I have to read while feeding after the first few minutes. She is at that 5 month age where looking around so as to not miss anything is a habit every few minutes or so.... So eating takes longer for her... and I have to be ever so patient. It makes it much harder to nurse in public as she starts reaching out to see the world. Thank goodness I am not well endowed and have not much to show- and that I am not at all uncomfortable if anyone in the world happens to catch the sorry disappointing glimps of the little raisin like nipple I happen to have! Not any embaressment to me! They work as intended and feeding babes is one of those intended functions... so I am SO GLAD that our society seems to have come a long way in getting over the hang ups about that! THANKS TO the Naked women who paraded over the Peace Bridge 10 years ago in celebration that it was no longer a CRIME to bare breasts!! I apprechiate their boldness

AHHHH!!!! The babe is asleep- but I am beckoned by the THREE YEAR OLD who is apparently starved for attention this morning as she just went #2 in her pull up!!!! YES AT THREE!!! I 'm heading to get that potty candy!! LEt me try a new trick... the positive reinforcer isn't working... maybe I WILL EAT some of that candy each time she doens't use the toilet.... I'm starting to come around to that good old fashioned negative reinforcers not being ALL evil as I've been led to believe. After a chat with a bunch of mom's recently about resistant toilet trainers (like a three and a half year old) a BUNCH ADMITTED that they SECRETELY used negative reinforcers for their stubborn children in the end when all else failed! WE had an average of FOUR BATHS A DAY a few weeks ago... and that means LOTS of one on one attention for each accident! SO I'm trying something new!

P.S. OK - so I caved... I ate two of the candy corn and told the three yr old every time she poops in her pants I'm going to eat her "potty" candy" But then I gave her one piece as she did actually pee in the potty a short while before and I hadn't given it to her yet! So that has NO effect! I already caved by buying the pull ups this week at her begging in the store after a few weeks of nonstop accidents in underwear and the reinforcing mommy time. Oh well! And I INTENDED on coming on line to NAME all these various family members with psydomanes so as to lessen confusion! Maybe another day! I have to get a few things done on my TO Do list: 1. Mend a pair of Westley's work pants (they're split Hee.. Hee.... Opps that's not nice is it!) 2. Sew a button on Katie's favorite dress! I did it - Katie will be the psydoname for the three year old pooper who has taken on that persona today. She informed me hours ago "I am friend Katie" (Modeled after a REAL friend of Katerina's from Girl Scouting who has spent much time here along wiht her most awesome MOM who I was Co-Scout leader with for a few years! She is one of my best friends here in VA) 3. Empty the closet in the bedroom that Westley is going to paint today 4. Write invoice for amount due us from the Orchard that never paid! OK-OK-- That last one is STILL at the bottom of my list! YES I Am still procrastinating over it! BUT on a positive note I DID reconcile all those medical bills Last Weekend!! And When Westley arrived home last night at 10pm we diligently worked until 1AM paying all the various sundry household bills! (And good news it appears that WE JUST have enough for the mortgage this month as he got his first pay check from the new job! YAH!! Talk about cutting it close..... WHEW.... these past few months are as close as you can get it! ) Now for more rambling onto divergent topics- but this has been on my mind and thinking of my good friend Katie's mom made me think of it: One of the most difficult things I have found after the custody case ensued and Katerina and Soren were whisked away is that I hadn't before realized how much MY social life is tied into theirs! All my good friends here in my community are the moms of their friends. So of course now I rarely see them. We have to go out of our way to be in touch- and its hard to do that wth busy large familys (WHICH THEY ALL HAVE!) It is amazing how it works out that I have so much in common with these mom's. Anyway... I recalled the shock after my college roommate's death of the sudden isolation and lonliness I felt. It was incredibly hard to be grieving and feel really cut off suddenly because at that time I represented my dead roommate and few could handle facing me and therefore having to confront the loss of her. In this current situation I recognize that I am going through those same grieving processess: the whole grief cycle I recall reading about years ago. I don't know it now- but something like this- denial, anger, resentment, then acceptance and healing. I think I am in that anger phase now. I was in denial for a long time and so optimistic with each visit to NY that I'd be returing home with them. I REALLY believed that too.... as it seemed so unbelievable to me that a court would REALLY choose their current environment over this one here (EVEN IN ITS IMPERFECTION) I mean HERE I AM-- IF I SUCCEED In how I have addressed my situation I COULD VERY WELL BE A HERO for the movement to stop domestic violence. NOT to toot my own horn -- but its very true: In the end I could be a catalyst in a VERY IMPORTANT PRECEDENT SETTING DECISION that draws a line FURTHER than ever before in PROTECTING women. And that's the God's honest truth! I'm here taking the fall and being shit on because of it-- well my kids are the ones taking the fall. But hey- in the end I know I have to continue to proceed with what is correct and right to do. I just wish it were not at my own personal expence- LITERALLY and FIGURATIVELY. I'm a bit pissed I have to now PAY $1800 for MY OWN personality profile from a psycologist. And if Westely will agree to go I'll foot that bill as well.... And theres the cost of travel and accomodations and my lawyer and paying for witnesses expert testimony ETC When the kids are now in the care of a man who is DIAGNOSED MICA For those of you who know what that means. And with a man who HAS LIED in starting the case by claiming there is a FOUNDED CASE OF CHILD ABUSE HERE (THERE IS NOT!) Anyway....there was an incident I REPORTED MYSELF AND HAVE DELT WITH. OH WELL... it all sucks... But I digress again. The main point was I think I am doing well overall, but what I miss IS MY FRIENDS who are busy with THEIR KIDS that I don't get to see much anymore. (AND NO I DON"T EVEN SHARE THIS SITE WITH THEM! THIS REALLY IS PRIVATE FOR ME PRIMARILY AND VERY FEW FRIENDS AND THOSE STRANGERS WHO DON"T KNOW ME THAT COME ACROSS IT AND FIND IT A RELAXING DIVERSION LIKE WATCHING A SOAP OPERA IS!) Anyway... one more thing I can do on a positive note in all of this mess. I am seriously considering tackling the legal issue of non custodial parents rights. AFTER STILL NO COMMUNICATION from the school my kids are in, I am upping the anty of how to address the concern . So far I have written to the Principal and the Superintendent of Schools. Still no report cards in my mail.... no information about anything.... They refused to take calls etc... I happen to have EXTENSIVELY studied Education Law. This will be a PRO SE cause I feel maybe I have been called to take on. Its MUCH bigger than me and my situation. I'm just sick of hearing from my attorney "JOINT LEGAL CUSTODY DOESN"T REALLY MEAN ANYTHING" IF that's true then almost EVERYONE who signs an agreement stipulating that should have the contract thrown out as there IS REALLY NO GOOD FAITH MEETING OF THE MINDS. AND FURTHERMORE... IF THAT IS TRUE, I AM NOW COMMITTING TO DO EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO CHANGE THAT!! (I STILL THINK MY BIGGEST MISTAKE THUS FAR IN LIFE WAS NOT SUING GEORGETOWN UNIVERSITY WHEN I HAD STANDING TO DO SO... I'm not going to pass up an opportunity to help TONS of often powerless people again! I went to law school PRECISELY to avail myself of opportunitys to help the world such as the one that has currently fallen in my lap. I think sometimes WE ARE CALLED to do work.... and we fail only when we resist that calling.

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