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2005-01-28 - 9:29 a.m.

Home this morning rather than going to the bible study as (AHHH I CAN"T REMEMBER THE FAKE NAMES FOR MY KIDS.......) as what's her name, toddler # 3 ....the Irish name.... OH yeah as RAETLIN has a disgusting runny nose. It was when she was licking the top of her lip in loud slurps that I knew I made the right decison to stay home even though its only a cold. I thought it unfair that her boogy fingers touch toys and spread germs to the other two year olds who then lick and chew the toys. So the now contant slurping despite my many attempts to catch her and wipe and to try to teach her how to use a handkerchief makes me VERY glad to be home

My thyroid test came back normal.

And this morning I was just reading BABYTALK magazine- the one that REALLY Was free! (Although I don't think it counts as really free because I generally view this magazine as a BIG advertising supplement with a few articles thrown in.)

Anyway, although after having six children I am not often inclined to actually read this magazine as its not the most enticing reading if I have a free minute--- it was nearby when I had to breastfeed Alexy (YAH I REMEBERED HER RECENTLY GRANTED PSUDONAME!) So I picked it up to read an actually useful article about how not to freak out if your a new mom and have gobs of hair falling out! Its normal when the baby is between 3 and 5 months!

There it is in FEB 2005 BABYTALK - The first article with somthing new for me to learn in a baby magazine in years! Unfortunately I never did do my research on HAIR LOSS to a great extent as planned once I came across the thryoid theory!
Too bad I hadn't read this BEFORE last month!

THAT's OK though... if I only go to the doctor for something unnecessary once every five years I shouldn't feel too bad, right?

And to be fair- I actually enjoyed reading some of these articles! The one by the DAD was enlightening! (Some DADS REALLY DO GET UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND GET KID TO BED???? )

And the one about LYING MOMS was enlightening..... NOW I SEE HOW IT IS SOME DAD"S do those things: THE have wives that LIE or SNEAK to get them to do it....

And I recall being amazed at a friend who I CAN"T MENTION-- that so skillfully coached her 2nd daughter by saying "you want DADDY to change your diaper, right?" ANd nudged her along..."Go find him." That same superhero mom managed to get her hubby to agree to giving the kids baths and getting them to bed each night! ANd he works full time while she is a stay at home mom!! (SHE REALLY IS MY HERO!TOO BAD I CAN"T MENTION HER NAME)

So that's it- I'm just too damn honest. It seems manipulation is the #1 way to get men involved in taking care of babies or getting free time for self.

That shocked me.
Then I thought about this journal which I haven't ever mentioned to Westley.
And I realized I TOO do the same thing in my writing! Not much different than the mom who took a day off work and never mentioned it to her husband that she enjoyed going to the movies and the gym! YES ALONE !! No sneaking for an affair-- just a mom sneaking to have TIME FOR HERSELF!
Until that point of the article I was judgemental of all those moms and wives that lie! I thought, "Don't they have any sense of self enought to be able to tell their friends "NO I don't buy all organic food for my baby. We can't afford it..... and I'm a chocoholic , so they've discovered my stash and now the kids also have a daily dose of the wonder drug the cocoa bean...."

But I guess I can forgive women for fearing criticism if THAT honest. But ladies... really, WHO WOULDN"T UNDERTAND THE TRUTH????
Its only constant lying that I really get judgemental about.... perhaps because I think those little white lies form bad habits that make it easier to tell the bigger lies. Perhaps because after having discovered so many significant lies from a significant other in my past I am wary now of anyone who is not truthful.

(I'm sure that's why Westly attracted me. For all his faults- it is nearly impossible for him to lie! He lacks the CONTROL to not blurt out the truth at all times. HE can't even keep a GOOD secret from me for more than a few moments in my presence.. So No I never get any great suprise gifts as when he plans ahead he gets to excited and then can't control the urge to give the gift to me RIGHT AWAY.... )

But then I got to that part about taking time for SELF .... and my judgemental attitude was dispelled.

In a way, those with less strong sense of self are lying for that very reason others of us have to have this private time alone-- whether its writing, or taking off to Starbucks for a few moments, or the Dad's who PRETEND they are helpful by being the superhero Dad's running all the errands when they REALLY are getting away a bit-

ALL those activities are a means of GAINING and HOLDING ONTO a sense of self. Those who are insecure lie to others more- I am sure out of that insecurity. And I am sure in some way their lies give them a sense of SAFETY when they feel threatened. Its the same with little kids who lie so as not to get in trouble or be judged. (WE have seen this in Soren as a big problem since he has a fragile sense of self)
Its a defense mechanism and part of the process of becoming self actualized in some way.
I think we all are growing our whole lived and some develop in the area of self awareness and self acceptance only MUCH LATER in life.
No one really teaches us HOW TO LOVE OURSELVES EXCEPT ourselves ultimately!
ANd until someone can REALLY be so comforable with themself, there will be SOME aspect one is afraid to share with others, OR there is the simple reality that in sharing of self with others we each have to BALANCE that RETAINING of a unique individual self within the relationship created.

So I think lying is for two reasons:
Some lie out of still developing a sense of self, and not wanting to face judgement.
Others lie to RETAIN that sense of self. To have that time/space they otherwise feel is threatened.

Untimately those of us who don't tell lies STILL have some insecuruity we manage in other ways.

For me its having a place where I can write all MY truths without fear of judgement..... here as I think a paper journal is more likely to be found!
(At least by someone who knows me! I couldn't care less if STRANGERS read my words and found them interesting, or useful...but if those close to me read them then this wouldn't be a true JOURNAL as I'd feel limited. So there are only a very FEW friends I have the self confidence about my relationship with that I have shared this with! WHat does that tell me about myself? Perhaps that I , just as much as anyone who lies, has insecurities. I too have FEAR of not being accepted if those in my world ALWAYS knew what I REALLY think!

So I intentionally didn't give this link to my staunchly vegatarian pro aniaml rights friend! (Although we e-mailed after months and I was tempted to as the easiest way to give her the update on my life) It was the BAMBI entry that I knew would be hurtful to her!
I love her dearly , but when I had asthma after we lived together and she had the overwealming urge to take in a cat and the Dr. I consulted with said "You or the cat have to go"-- I MOVED.
YES SOME things are not necessarilly rational, but can be understood. My friend loves me too... but she loves animals MORE than possibly any human. They are part of HER SELF. THat is her relationship with animals... whether it be a dog or a cat.

Hey she just sent an e-mail "LET ME KNOW IF THERE IS ANYTHING I CAN DO-- AND I MEAN ANYTHING" and she wrote that we have to talk as the news of my recent family life upheaval is "Too upsetting and vast to handle in an e-mail!"

So some lie too so as to not hurt others.
Ultimately its all the same reasons: People lie to maintain and develop a sense of self and relationships with others.

And I am sure BOTH our sense of self and our relationships with others would likely be advanced if we were more honest! Yes- in the end, I think that is likely true- as then we'd only maintain relationships with those who REALLY accept and love who we are. And then we address and work through differences with those we are in relationship with.

ANd perhaps the quality of our relationships and our sense of self would be even stronger than those that have lies as some basis of knowledge of who we are.

But I can understand the FEAR common to all people about REALLY being that open.

I intend to keep this journal private for now.

It really is the only private space I truly have and I believe we all need that.


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