2005-03-16 - 3:05 a.m.

I AM AWAKE AND OBSESSING ABOUT A BUNCH OF THINGS:
*Katerina and Soren in Buffalo
*the custody case
*Katerina
*finances-- how to pay for the custody case
*Katerina
*Jose the sitter who was sounding so odd when I talked to the kids on the phone and he was singing "If I were a rich girl....dah, dah , dah dah dah dah.....etc...."

*THE EASTER EGG HUNT I WANT TO GO TO WITH THE LITTLE GIRLS! I inadvertendly made conflicting plans (As I THOUGHT the EGG HUNT Was the SAT prior to when it is....) I'm really torn as I DO NOT WANT to travel away from home on EASTER.... nor on the day of the hunt here at the little school in our tiny community as the girls are looking forward to it and have been talking about it in anticipation! THEY TALKED ABOUT LAST YEARS EGG HUNT OVER AND OVER AGAIN! Every time we pass the school Katie exhuberantly says "That's where we hunted for eggs? Remember?"
But the plans I made REALLY ARE IMPORTANT and require me to travel (although the little ones will be home here)

I think... thought not sure about that yet

*TRAVEL PLANS- Worrying about them as they are not yet made, and there are a few variables that need to be filled in yet before I can make plans!

I am fearing driving home the night before EASTER!!

* KAterina (Did I mention I keep worrying about her yet? I guess I admit I worry about her more than Soren- I think it has to do with the age she is at! HE's still such a little kid.... somewhat carefree. MAybe it has to do with gender? Are mother's usually more worried about daughters than sons? Maybe it has to do with her being my first born.... )

So in my insomnia I actually was obsessively trying to keep busy and spent hours on E-BAY finding lovely things to waste money I don't have on. (Thus the call to my sugar daddy Westley.... maybe he'll foot the bill if I ask nicely! EVER Since I wrote a huge wopping check once years ago... hmmm....for ALL THE cash in that joint account...when I moved out and we were separated for a period, The dynamics of out marital finances dramatically changed. So I can't complain about the status quo of finances being HIS and HERS and that I have to DISCUSS any purchases from the OURS Accounts. And to be fair, Westley NEVER makes even the SMALLEST financial move without actually consulting me!(EVN THOUGH I FIND THAT ANNOYING!)
BUT I WAS FRUSTRATED as I WANTED to just bid on a few of the EASTER things I found. But I CALLED Westley TOO LATE.... I AM SURE THAT HE WAS ZONKED OUT BY 11:30pm ....I wanted to ask what he thought of a set of Williams Samona Easter Cookie cutters I found on E-BAY along with a lovely Cookie Decorating kit!(although full of artificial color and flavor I am sure) He had told me to go ahead and splurge on an incredible looking Chocolate Easter basket for the whole family.... but they didn't have it on their site and we threw out the catalogue (thinking we were not going to actually buy anything but like typical just look at the pretty pictures!)So I did the search using Williams Samona on E-Bay and wasted all sorts of time and I guess relaxed a while as well for a change!

I did actually bid on a few things for Katerina and Soren and was immediately out bid above what I would spend WITHOUT consultation w/ my hubby!

I actually already bought a book for the little girls called THE EASTER EGG and it has arrived.

I wanted Westely's input not so much about spending of the money in general for Easter- as he obviously already expected me to do so in ordering the basket, but regarding a few things in particular. Since its his money I'll be using I at least wanted to know he would LIKE what I get for the little girls and he and I - as there were a few options available.

That's a big bummer result of this custody battle- any of my small source of income goes to the legal fees so I have NO DISCRETIONARY spending and therefore have to consult with WESTLEY about EVERYTHING! I much prefer when I get to spend my earned money however I please!

Anyway... enough complaining about having to be a WE... that is after all what one signs up for when married!

ONLY after I exhausted all possible things to do to keep busy (and still avoid the laundry folding HA HA), I went to 3 WAY ACTION which a friend posts at. I occassionally read some of the posts there, although not that often as I really don't usually have the time. So I visit the site once maybe every four to six months and just read random things she has posted that look to be of interest. I had noticed some time back that the old nanny of Katerina and Soren also posted there! I recognized her immediately which was weird when I discovered her posts. That was so long ago I've forgotten.
But then I got used to seeing her post when I occassionally read the site, and haven't thought much about it.

That is until my friend was REALLY uncomforatable and upset by a post from my old nanny, my EX husband's good friend, and my former friend as well.

My friend vented about the post a bit, then later said she felt so badly when the old nanny/ friend actually went out of her way to be supportive of Katerina and Soren while they are in Buffalo.

I tried to tell my friend who was upset not to worry about it too much, as the whole thing about the FACTS of what happened in the PAST is always colored by perceptions and perspectives which are always different for different people.

So tonight in my obsessive insomnia state I actually finally SOUGHT OUT the offensive writing to see what it actually said.

And RELIEIVED I actually did not find it at all offensive!! I found it to be HER PERCEPTION, and I would never argue with what is someone else's opinion! I guess one of the reasons I even looked for it had to be the singing of the sitter Jose... who I think was being obnoxious and bizzare and rather rude while I was on the phone with Katerina. I actually think the content of his song was a jibe based on some perception of me that was passed on...albiet a very wrong one.

WHAT is RICH anyway? I think my family is most definately RICH when you look in terms of income and cost of things like house and cars and STUFF.... but honestly, in the end, I DON"T THINK THOSE THINGS REALLY MATTER to quality of life all that much! Seriously... I was just as happy of a person when I drove an old used Chevrolet Cavailer Wagon that had a crack in its engine, and a dent in its side as I was when driving a Toyota, as I am now driving cars that cost twice the Toyota... REALLY. THEY ARE ALL FUNCTIONAL CARS THAT DRIVE....

And I was just as happy in a crappy little apartment where there was a leak right above where I kept my houseplants as I have been in this home with an excessive amount of space. To me THEY ARE BOTH SHELTER and PLACES TO MAKE HOME....(ANd both sprung leaks from the ceiling! Ironically this place WORSE than the little apt! Water was literally POURING in here thus necessitating the whole new roof/ construction chaos project to begin with!)

So in the end.... what ARE the differences when one passes from one economic mileu/class to another? NOT MUCH ! In all seriousness, thinking there is some vast OTHER WORLD based on class in the US is a big myth if you ask me! I think there are all these MISCONCEPTIONS! I really think the big differences are BIGGER MORTGAGES.... More space and more bills. But does that space change LIFESTYLE all that much? NO!! PEOPLE LIVE THE WAY THEY WANT REGARDLESS OF INCOME/CLASS!

Lifestyle is all about the choices people make of what is valuable to them.

I saw a great book once about the secret lives of Millionares... and it revealed all their secrets:
THEY ARE CHEAP PEOPLE

Maybe the single most distinquiching characteristic was THEY WERE THE BIGGEST TIGHTWADS EVER... Wall mart shoppers....etc....

MAybe that's the one big difference, the millionares I have known won't spend a dime on anything that is not "an investment" SO frankly THEY ARE NOT AS MUCH FUN AS SO CALLED IRRESPONSIBLE POOR PEOPLE! They just drive fancy cars, have nicer houses, and eat better food- but in the end spend WAY MORE TIME WORKING and LESS TIME HAVING FUN.... This has really been true regarding those I met! And in the end I can't say either group of people, wealthy or poor, are more or less happier than another! But those with more do tend to get caught up in the management of all the STUFF in their lives and I think don't always stop to smell the roses as much! Yet they also thrive on the incessant work to do- and are the type of people who would rather cultivate the roses and deliver them to others to enjoy, or smell or paint or whatever. You get the analogy, next to God and nature having created the rose it takes all kinds in the world for us to enjoy them... (considering most are bought now from Peru where women are getting cancer from the pesticides they work with.... but oops I just ruined my analogy didn't I ? My point- there is a place for ALL OF US in the world (OK- except those who insist on the pesticides to increase profit while not supplying adequate ventilation or gloves..... see how I digress... and I came back on just to EDIT my mispelling but had to add these thoughts!

So maybe I should have envied Jose's silly singing with Soren in the kitchen while they did dishes. But instead I wondered if it was a passive aggressive insult directed at me.

People are People wherever they are. They all have the same issues and concerns. They all long for companionship and time alone, to love and be loved, and they all have their own health concerns and worries that are similar in some ways though different in others.

Anyway, I just told Soren about THE FIDDLER ON THE ROOF when I talked with him, and I encouraged him to try to remember the name of the movie and to try to borrow it from the library. So that's how I handled the singing of the song with the changes lyrics... just confronted it so Jose whoever he is knows I heard him, and decided to let Daniel know the ACTUAL words of the song and that it is in fact a great movie he'd like.

(I didn't tell him TEVYA Reminded Westley of himself!)

We actually borrowed the DVD from the library here just a few months ago and LOVED it! Both Westley and I had never before seen it. It really was remarkable how much Tevya was like Westley! The little girls also enjoyed it! (They liked the songs about the role of the MA MA and the PA PA and the daughters...) Anyway, I read the post which basically said my EX and I were opposite of each other and should never have been married. I think I understand the part that riled my friend- It had to be where it indicated I thought depression is "self indulgent"

I actually understand and respect her perspective!(Whether I agree with her is another matter entirely)

And I think in the end she was the one closest to our situation and really did her best to try to be supportive in her own way. Of course she made mistakes as we all did- but in the end, once again, all people really end up the same: All seeking to love and be loved,and I believe that the sin of trying too hard and being overinvolved in someone's life when you love them is indeed easily forgiven!

Heck- if that were the worst thing that we all did the world would be a much better place!

The one thing that does strike me is that she didn't understand a few things about us as a couple- most of all that the act of "detatchment" when one is in a relationship with an alcoholic is the healthy thing to do. I am sure that was what made her think I thought of depression as "self indulgence." When one acts detatched out of necessity of keeping a family functioning when one individual in it CAN NOT function,I suppose it comes accross as not being empathetic and thinking of the ill person as selfish. When a person refused to enable and insists on the other individual taking responsibility and accountability for him/herself it can come across as being judgemental.

Interestingly, Westley REALLY DOES see people who are debhilitated by depression as self indulgent! We have argued over that many times!

Suzanna Kayson in Girl Interrupted actually wrote, and then the movie conveyed, how the nurse helped her re-enter the world by realizing that she was nothing more than a "Self indulgent spoiled little girl..."

That language may not be exact, but I think it was close. And since Suzanna was telling HER OWN story and acknowledged that in her own way, it validates that SOMETIMES people CAN BE SELF INDULGENT And wallow in their own ilness to their own detriment...
kind of like me right now!!

I SHOULD BE SLEEPING RATHER THAN FINDING ANYTHING ELSE TO DO BECAUSE OF NERVOUS ENERGY!

And the reality is that if I just laid down to sleep I would have fallen asleep and been rested and better off! I CHOOSE TO STAY Up, and didn't even TRY to go to bed!(I never really have trouble sleeping!)

But in any case, I think the only one who could ever fairly calls someone's depression "self indulgent" is a person speaking in the first person! Only they could know their own reality of their illness.

WEll- enough of MY SELF INDULGENT neurosis tonight! My state of mind is actually really one of being very relaxed right now- I'm just joking as I COULD obsess and be a mess, but instead have really kept busy and most important for me HAVE WRITTEN which is what I find so centering for me!

WE bohemian types have to do these creative things when we have the urge! (HA HA)

Oh- to some day REALLY live that bohemian lifestyle again.... I really do yearn for that. Which is why I HAVE Married a Professional! I figured it out- You can't BE a bohemian and BE married to one! SOMEONE Had to feed the family... and it rarely is the artist or writer...

I also think that there is a place in ones life for being bohemian, and then there are times and places where one has to curb personal desires to be creative in order to fullfill other responsibilities. But in the end, all people have POTENTIAL to be creative and some are actually able to balance that desire with the need for other roles/responsibilities in life.

One way to achieve that balance is to be aligned with one doing the opposite of yourself!

Many professionals I know have artist spouses or significant others. The wifes of the team at AOL that Westley worked with are : A YOGA Teacher, A VISUAL ARTIST, A TEACHER, then there is the single guy who I am sure was a gay man.... but he wasn't sharing his secrets so I don't know if he had a significant other.... OH and yes, there is the guy who left from AOL/ TIME WARNER to himself persue being a visual artist full time. The company kept saying he was RETIRING and he corrected them that he was leaving for a CAREER change. The techies just couldn't VALIDATE being an artist as a "career" ! I found that sad.

EVEN more sad though is that an incredibly caring and wonderful man who is one of Westely's closest friends is being divorced by his wife now that he isn't making the well over six figures he used to make! We are really just in shock over this! She apparently thinks he is not doing well enough professionally and that he could try harder if he wanted to! She resents that he left the VC world to go out on his own as a consultant to make less money! Amazing....he is still doing VERY well! But now he is really saddened as he intended to be home more for his wife and new baby.... but she's leaving him since he isn't going to work elsewhere every day! She herself was a professional too! See... the match of TWO professionals there was a poor one! Because the wife made more $ than the husband there are all sorts of issues!

Oh well--As another diversion I can now surf the web looking to see if the artist, former network guru, has a show up yet! I'll check the Corchrane in D.C. (If that's spelled correctly? ) as I think that is where he has taken classes for years and where he hoped to have a show.

But that can be my diversion for another day! I am finally going to sleep now!

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