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2005-03-29 - 1:16 a.m.


And My result which surprised me as I LIKE to think I am OH SO LOGICAL ..... But since much of my life is full of ridiculous drama (and I THINK not infused by me but by the men I've found myself attracted to)- I shouldn't be too surprised by this result:

Your Love Style is Eros

For you, love is all about the passion!
And chances are, you're currently in love.
You have a strong physical response to love...
And you are great at committing
(As long as the person makes your toes curl!)

Hmmmm..... the problem with PASSION being a key thing one looks for is that you end up with passion in the relationship in not only the POSITIVE WAY but in the NEGATIVE sense as well! (Passionate people also tend to be of strong emotion in ALL ways in my experience- so while they LOVE intensely, they also are equally intense when angry or upset!)

Good news for me is that at least for now I think the main drama of my life is of the PAST!

And I am hoping all the passion that enters into life remains positive!

Westley is away on a business trip. I have spent the night doing a bunch of these dumb silly mindless entertaining tests rather than read like usual. I actually intended on writing and came on line to get info on some local poetry contest, and soon started procrastinating. I just needed a veg out session to unwind- but screwed around on line MUCH later than I intended!

Sleep would have likely been wise! I actually had a spell of asthma as I stayed with my friend Rosalina and her cat Friday night. I get asthma from cats! I know this and intended on bringing medicine (as I have a bottle of liquid albuterol which was left over from when Katie had bronchitis a few years ago!) I forgot the drugs! I did use my friends over the counter stuff and tried to get through the night without borrowing her inhaler as I felt badly that I have been relying on her medicine for months now every time I see her! PATHETIC that I FORGET to take care of me!! I mean if it were the baby's medicine I'd NEVER forget it! (I take the baby with me when I travel and leave Westley with the other three little ones)

I felt not only dumb but didn't want to yet again use her inhaler as I can just imaging her needing it someday and me having depleted her supply of albuterol!

I would have just put the medicine in my purse however since the little ones go IN My purse I can't do that!

According to another silly test :
Your Brain is 53.33% Female, 46.67% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female
You are both sensitive and savvy
Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed
But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve


What Age Do You Act?

You Are 31 Years Old


Good night now! My breathing is better. Oh yeah, I never finished that train of thought before. Basically after the asthma flare up I still had problems on Sat as I went on a long walk to a lovely park with Katerina and Soren. The hiking just was a bit much for me in a compromised breathing state! Then on Easter Sun I had another asthma attack at my sister-in-law's as I am SURE there must have been either a dog or cat in her house before she bought it a year ago. After a few hours I started wheezing. Even when pets are gone, if the heating vents and all carpets aren't replaced my asthma will kick in after about an hour or two somewhere. It's very annoying! When we stayed in NY we had to clean out all the vents as I couldn't breath in the house initilly because the previous owner had a dog.

Good thing my sister in law also had an inhaler!!

So this week I have on my TO DO LIST:

*Schedule Dr. visit for the baby (she's due for a regular check up)

*Schedule appt for me for asthma as I must admit to needing an inhaler!

*Write the KICK BUTT LETTER to get the ball rolling on addressing the legal issue of JOINT LEGAL CUSTODY meaning CRAP! That's a long story I may have rambled about.... I leave it at this: I'm at the point of making waves in an attempt to actually infuse meaning into the apparently now meaningless term "joint legal custody"... and no- the waves are not in regard to my ex and the custody stuff but COMPLETELY ANCILLARY as that situation has given me a unique opportunity to actually help OTHER people with the meaningless crappy phrase of JOINT legal custody that they ACCEPT THINKING IT HAS MEANING. Currently unless FORCED to the term JOINT LEGAL CUSTODY really is a farce. I AM IN A GREAT POSITION OF HAVING STANDING.... for whoever knows what that implys... so I think I can affect serious change with maybe one more KICK BUTT LETTER mAILED TO A SHITLOAD OF RECIPIENTS RATHER THAN MERELY THE ACTUAL SO CALLED "responsible" PARTIES WHO ARE IGNORING THEIR OBLIGATIONS.
(I actually did something similar years ago with only one embarassing letter which I wrote and mailed to OVER a half dozen places when the BUFFALO SCHOOL IDIOT BUS DRIVERS were repeatedly pulling away when kids were STANDING on the bus. A neighbor's child fell and got a cut on his head on Katerina's bus! They was no response to the mother's efforts until she talked with me and I assisted with a carefully and strongly worded letter that I sent ALL OVER TOWN including to the paper that ran it. THe shit hit the fan that day for the DEPT of transportation that called a meeting and invited she and I .... and the letter was posted at EVERY bus stop/ depot in the city and the drivers stopped their nonsense. It all was due to knowing who to write to--and not leaving anyone influential off the recipient list!

*Clean the remaining bathrooms AFTER seeing the DR! What put me in the state of poor breathing tonight was the bad choice of bleaching Katie's bathroom in her bedroom from top to bottom. She had an accident and while I could have cleaned only that, I instead soaked all the tub toys and bleached down every part of the room. It was just not a wise thing to do as I then once again was aware that my lungs are not up to par today!


*Cleaned the one bathroom!
*Remembered to do the one thing Westley asked of me and ordered Propane so we will continue to have heat as he noted we are dangerously low!
* Had a chat with the mail carrier who services the apt complex Katerina and Soren are in. He acknowledged he has been in the habit of LEAVING packages in front of the apt rather than leaving a card as he is SUPPOSED to do!
So I basically confirmed that the box of books I sent for the kids, and the Christmas gifts sent by their Philadelphia grandparents, and the box my mom recently sent of a doll and some new bras she embroidered on for Katerina are all indeed LOST!! Someone apparently lifted them.

That made me feel a LITTLE better... as had the carrier insisted he follows procedure rountinely that would indicate a WORSE PROBLEM to worry about as then it would mean that their DAD hadn't given the packages to them. I was honestly very afraid of that... and still worry that could be the case. When an addict one will do desperate things. It's not unheard of that addicts sell their own kids' clothes and belongings. That is my worst nightmare right now.

What's scary is that I was in the process of WRITING A STORY ABOUT MY WORST FEARS in AUG ... as a way of dealing with them. That was basically a story I was writing about kids being taken from a stable home due to lies and manipulation of a grandmother and then placed with a drug addicted mentally ill Father. IT was at the time my way of dealing with what I THOUGHT WERE FEARS.... and also what I thought was a great topic if done well. I really think the one thing not yet covered in Junior Fiction is drug addiction of adults. Yet it has to be a real issue for some kids. Darcy's Song by Cynthia Voight deals with the mentally ill parent, but I haven't found anything written that deals with a drug addicted parent. (I think I got the title of that wrong.... but its not coming to me.. its not Darcy... some other D name I think, Dicy? ) A Tree Grows in Brooklyn and tons of literature deal with alcoholism. I basically had been writing that story and hoping to deal with that topic .... That is until AUG when I stopped the writing.

I feel a bit better after talking to the mail carrier. He indicated he won't leave packages outside the apt there anymore but if no one is home will leave the postcard. He honestly explained he never leaves them in the lobby but walks up and puts packages in front of people's doors so he doesn't have to come back with them. I apprechiated his honesty. He inquired if they got the package he did leave just last week. I told them they had (It was an Easter Gift I had sent; a candy carrot box filled w/ chocolate)

*Called BACK the Post Office Supervisor who I had met with when in Buffalo on Sat and gave him the update of what the carrier said with the expectation that he will follow up so BEST PRACTICES and procedure are followed by his carriers

ON SAT the supervisor affirmed that a package is always SENT BACK if it is not deliverable because someone fails to pick it up or follow up on indicating when they will be home to reveive it.

The only thing that REALLY bothers me now is that Katerina DIDN"T receive the mail I sent that had the stamps enclosed for her to use on her thank you notes. Hmmmm..... they weren't worth much money. But if she doesn't get that letter from me, I'll take that as actual confirmation of my fears. That would be just too much to be a coincidence! Stamps can be sold for cash I am sure. And an addict would welcome even a few bucks.... SO I am praying when I talk to her next that she indeed has received that letter I mailed.

IF not- I'll be adding to my TO DO LIST


*Called my Mom and Dad. Had to give Mom the sad update that the hand made doll that was in the package along with the sewing she did is indeed lost. She unfortunately feels guilty that she didn't give Katerina the doll when she was visiting her in FL and was playing with it nonstop. She said Katerina really wanted it. The doll was actually my mother's as someone made it for her, and she didn't really want to part with it. Then she felt badly at not having been gracious and felt she should have let Katerina have it and she was excited to mail it off to her thinking Katerina would be thrilled.

SIGH..... BIG SIGH.....

TO BED now. Maybe I'll be able to sleep.

But one last thought... I am thinking of my mom feeling guilty when she hadn't offered the doll. HOW CAN SOMEONE TAKE a package like that without remorse??? WHAT could possibly make a person not have that empathy and care and concern about others? And then I know-- its not that they don't feel empathy or care. Its that they feel something stronger than anything else. AN ADDICTION That's what it is all about- something that is so compelling of a pull that it overpowers all other human feeling and instinct-- and for what?

For self destruction in the end.

Self destruction....

Its a self destructive pull.

My hope now rests on the recalling of the one social worker I met whose first question of me was "WHO WAS THE LAW GUARDIAN WHO PUT THE KIDS IN HIS CARE?"

That was uttered BEFORE I had spoken a word. She had only met my Ex. I don't think she was baiting me to see my response. I think she was literally in such shock she lost her Professional decorm and usual practice of not mentioning any of the other people involved in the case. Her job was to test my basic psycological heath from the sociological perspective.

Baby just woke! Off to feed her then go to sleep.

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